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Bitter and Acerbic Harridan
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What would they say?

We even have entry number one done.

(1) Congratulations on new baby

DWTripp wrote:
I think it's great though that this guy who I don't know and never will meet is having a child that in no way shape or form will ever have any direct impact on making my life better or worse. I do like kids though, so there's that.


Although it will need tweaking. More like: I hear you are having a baby, which realistically will never have any direct impact on making my life better or worse. I do like kids though, so there's that.


But really, the possibilities are endless. Graduation from college, birthday, thank you cards, wedding cards, father's day, mother's day, Christmas cards, Happy Holiday cards, etc.
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Sam I am
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Merry Christmas...

You do know that almost everything you like about the holiday was stolen from pagans.
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Damian
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Do we need more than just the one?

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True Blue Jon
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Merry Christmas, here's a goat.
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Carl Parsons
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Grief:

Sorry about your loss, but it's no worse than the current administration.
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batman wrote:
Grief:

Sorry about your loss, but it's no worse than the current administration.


Sorry to hear about your (father, brother, mother, etc.). Thanks, Obama!
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Stephen Rost
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Roses are red and ready for plucking,
You're 18 and ready for college.


I think that one's a Vonnegut (Psalm Sunday?)

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Born To Lose, Live To Win
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Happy Birthday! One year closer to your yearly death panel appointments!

Get well soon! I know you didn't get to keep your doctor, but at least you can go to Mexico to get treated!

Congratulations on surviving 8 years of Obama The Hun's despotic rule!

Happy Birthday! I sent you an Apple Store gift card link, but it was stolen from my email server by Russian hackers.

Get well soon! Lots of people are saying your tumor was YUGE, lots of people.

Congratulations on your graduation! I heard on a totally legit website that Liberal Arts degrees make lots of money.
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Junior McSpiffy
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Frankie Bitcoin wrote:
Age is not a tangible substance and has no intrinsic value. It is related to something completely arbitrary like how often the earth revolves around the sun. Our lives continue independent of such concern. Please investigate a resource-based birthday.
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Anniversary card by ShreveGreetings, Ltd.

I hear you are celebrating your 7th anniversary. I would say mazel tov, but instead may I suggest this?

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Moshe Callen
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ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, μοῦσα, πολύτροπον, ὃς μάλα πολλὰ/ πλάγχθη, ἐπεὶ Τροίης ἱερὸν πτολίεθρον ἔπερσεν./...
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μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος/ οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,/...
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How about a passive aggressive one:

birth of a son to a Jewish family:
Quote:
Mazal tov on the birth of you son!

I shall not be attending your ritual genital mutilation so don't even bother letting me know when and where it is.


Engagement after at least one marriage:
Quote:
Congratulations on you engagement!

I didn't think you're fiancee was as gullible and stupid as the women from your past relationships but obviously I was wrong.


For a wedding:
Quote:
Congratulations on your wedding! Enclosed is my business card; I'm a divorce attorney.
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Sam I am
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I heard from 'legit sources' that it's your birthday!
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Sam I am
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Happy Anniversary,
May your love live as long as an Annunaki.
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Congratulations on your college graduation with only a three month sentence!
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Happy Birthday Grand______!

Here are some BitCoins don't spend them in one place!
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Get well soon....
and if you don't it will be the fault of the ACA.
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Sorry to hear about your loss...

Did He/She know the Clintons?
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Stephen Rost
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May your discomfort be minimal,
Much like the scientific evidence for the so-called “Theory” of Evolution.

Get well soon!

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Ryan Johnson, board gamer of questionable taste but artist of real talent, used to work at hallmark. Maybe still does? I think if you run some of the ideas by him you might get some insight on what it takes to score big in the greeting card industry. I'm partial to any cards that use the word "fuck" or just outright make people feel pissed off at the sender.
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Happy 25th Anniversary!

By the way - being married for a long time to the same person isn't an achievement, billions of people have done it. In fact, by sending you this card, just shows the limited scope of understanding people are often saddled with when they believe what their church tells them.
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J.D. Hall
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Apology:

I'm shitty at apologizing, so...

Unfuck you ... or whatever.
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Congratulation on the new baby!

Too bad they'll have to grow up in a dystopian libtard shit hole.
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HAPPY EASTER, don't forget that firsthand accounts are often unreliable.
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Birthday thank you card.

Stick your ageist birthday card. I'm sure you'd call out the hounds if I was black and someone accused me of being less intelligent because of my race. Or if I was gay and someone here used my gayness to attack me. But because I'm merely old, you send me this fucking card. Fuck you, you useless cunlipped fuckwit.
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Moshe Callen
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ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, μοῦσα, πολύτροπον, ὃς μάλα πολλὰ/ πλάγχθη, ἐπεὶ Τροίης ἱερὸν πτολίεθρον ἔπερσεν./...
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Generic:
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People say you're not as smart as your dog, but I stand up or you. I tell them you are.
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