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Subject: Disapproval of Boardgaming Collection From a Close Relative rss

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Go Buckeyes
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Just had a bad experience with a very close relative (not my spouse) expressing disapproval of my investment in boardgames - both the money I spend on purchasing games, and the time I spend researching and playing them...soblue

This person is not a collector of anything, and is, in fact, the least materialistic person I know. In addition, I now have a collection of more than 200 games - not all of which get played due to current life circumstances. Bottom line, I can understand where this person is coming from, even if I really value the enjoyment I get from the gaming hobby in different ways.

That is probably why this person's unexpected and direct feedback upset me. He/She essentially acknowledged that they think less of me because of my gaming habits.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with a family member? If so, how did you handle it? Any changes in the dynamic over time?

Thanks,

MNBUCKMANIAC
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Des Lee
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I guess you better get a more socially-acceptable habit to appease them. Meth is cool right now, right?

More seriously, why does it matter what they think? Particularly about something as trivial as boardgames? If it wasn't boardgames, it'd be drinking. Or smoking. Or binge-watching TV. You've got to have interests....
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Osiris Saline
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I don't think a collection is bad or reflective of a negative character, but I do see the value in not owning a collection of things. If these collections tie into timesink issues then it is REALLY worth considering what people are saying. Do board games stop other forms of socialness? Do they interfere with housework? Do they take up so much space it bothers pets/friends/family when they come to your place?

I had that experience in my early 20s when I used to move house/apartment a lot due to work. I had three thousand CDs, hundreds of records, a lot of DVDs, dozens of board games, tons of keys/pianos/guitars/PA systems...and my partner and a few close friends would constantly mention how it was a detriment.

It wasn't solely related to moving frequently, but also as it seemed strange to leave stuff that collected dust on shelves/on stands/in cases. Due to that, and due to an awareness that obsessive collecting was a problem for me (purchasing to combat anxiety/get excited about something new), I did trim down my possessions by 80% (moving between countries helped that too!) and it did improve my ability to manage time & be more available socially. Plus, tons more space and all the stuff I own will get played and not left to the dust gods.
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You should make them a distant relative. You can't care what other people think about you. Everyone's got their own trip, no reason to worry about others'.
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Gláucio Reis
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MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
Has anyone else had a similar experience with a family member?

Not me, but if I had, I would just say it's my money and time, and I spend them however I want.
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Jeff Weber
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If they were way off base and your collection is just fine, then try to ignore it and move on.

But since the feedback upset you so much it might have struck a nerve, or something you were already thinking yourself but didn't want to admit. Perhaps you could cut the collection down a bit and be happier. In the end I always find it freeing to get rid of stuff I don't use.

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Will S
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A quote that means a lot to me:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."
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Dave
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I'm so sorry you had that experience. No matter how we would like to shake these things off, it stings especially coming from someone close (I'm going to guess a sibling or parent).

The obvious retort here is that this is none of their god damn business - not necessarily using those words, but making sure they understand this is the underlying meaning. Furthermore, I would *not* try to justify my hobby in any way; doing so only invites more conversation, but you are telling them that this is a conversation that you do not wish to have.

Most everyone has a hobby, or collects something. I'm sure that person does as well, whether they acknowledge it or not. Restaurants? Travel? News or internet junkie? Clothes/shoes/art/fashion? If they do not, it is a sad life they live, and be content that it is not yours.

Good luck! Establishing boundaries is a hard but essential skill in life. In general I've found that if done gracefully but firmly, it will increase the respect people have for you, not diminish it.
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James Lautermilch
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GSReis wrote:
MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
Has anyone else had a similar experience with a family member?

Not me, but if I had, I would just say it's my money and time, and I spend them however I want.


Three cheers. What I spend my money on is my business. You don't like it too damn bad. Get yourself a life and leave me to mine to live however I want. My gaming hurts no-one and is actually good for me. My collecting hurts no-one and is actually good for me. So to quote somebody somewhere:

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!
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Arthur Cormode
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Invite him/her to play. whistle
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Jesse West
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MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
He/She essentially acknowledged that they think less of me because of my gaming habits.



Pick up the phone.

"Hi (relative name). It's (your name). I've given a lot of thought to comments you made about me and my hobbies and interests. I found them offensive and unnecessary. If and when you'd like to apologize for your comments, I'll be here. Until then I'd prefer you didn't contact me. Goodbye."

This applies to anyone and everyone in your life for any reason you see fit. The only person you need to face everyday is the one in the mirror.
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Ray Stantz
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For me I'd just let it be a "water off a ducks back" moment and go buy another game.

Edit: I can't spell
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Black Bart
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Detail Brush wrote:
MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
He/She essentially acknowledged that they think less of me because of my gaming habits.



Pick up the phone.

"Hi (relative name). It's (your name). I've given a lot of thought to comments you made about me and my hobbies and interests. I found them offensive and unnecessary. If and when you'd like to apologize for your comments, I'll be here. Until then I'd prefer you didn't contact me. Goodbye."

This applies to anyone and everyone in your life for any reason you see fit. The only person you need to face everyday is the one in the mirror.
Great advice considering that you don't know either of these people, or any details of their conversation .
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Jesse West
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urbanus wrote:
Detail Brush wrote:
MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
He/She essentially acknowledged that they think less of me because of my gaming habits.



Pick up the phone.

"Hi (relative name). It's (your name). I've given a lot of thought to comments you made about me and my hobbies and interests. I found them offensive and unnecessary. If and when you'd like to apologize for your comments, I'll be here. Until then I'd prefer you didn't contact me. Goodbye."

This applies to anyone and everyone in your life for any reason you see fit. The only person you need to face everyday is the one in the mirror.
Great advice considering that you don't know either of these people, or any details of their conversation .


If anyone in your life, let alone a family member, is too oblivious as to when to keep their mouth shut when it comes to how you spend your time and money (given you don't live in poverty), they aren't worth your time.

Relation does not equal obligation. Respect is earned in all instances. Period.
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Ri
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Fuck 'em.
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James Derbyshire
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Hold up. There might be more to this that we're not hearing?

Say you're really hard up, maybe lost your job and are struggling to make ends meet. Or not paying rent/mortgage or getting my car fixed to get to work. Or something similar. Then, if my folks saw me in that predicament, yet sitting on a stack of unplayed, potentially expensive games, then I could understand the "concern".

I have recently moved into a 410 year old house. It needs lots of work and I am haemorrhaging cash. In my garage, I have a very expensive, limited edition, Italian motorbike that's sat unused for two years. I could (should and will) sell it to fund some repairs and I know that my folks are keen for that (they never liked me having it in the first place because of the dangers of a 180mph bike!). They often ask if I've sold it yet. It's the sensible thing to do, and they often hear me complaining about the cost of repairs I'm having to do at the house.

Point is, more often (I hope), our close relatives just care about our wellbeing and do worry, regardless of how old you are.

Just another angle to consider.
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Dave
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Norbert666 wrote:
Hold up. There might be more to this that we're not hearing?

Say you're really hard up, maybe lost your job and are struggling to make ends meet. Or not paying rent/mortgage or getting my car fixed to get to work. Or something similar. Then, if my folks saw me in that predicament, yet sitting on a stack of unplayed, potentially expensive games, then I could understand the "concern".

I have recently moved into a 410 year old house. It needs lots of work and I am haemorrhaging cash. In my garage, I have a very expensive, limited edition, Italian motorbike that's sat unused for two years. I could (should and will) sell it to fund some repairs and I know that my folks are keen for that (they never liked me having it in the first place because of the dangers of a 180mph bike!). They often ask if I've sold it yet. It's the sensible thing to do, and they often hear me complaining about the cost of repairs I'm having to do at the house.

Point is, more often (I hope), our close relatives just care about our wellbeing and do worry, regardless of how old you are.

Just another angle to consider.


Concern and judgment are two very different things. Sounds like he experienced the latter, not the former.
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Nicholas Palmer
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"And I would like you to know that I think less of you for judging what someone does with their spare money and time that hurts no one."
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Shawn
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I wouldn't be too hard on them. They probably just have it in their minds (as many non-gamers do) that anything to do with play is "childish" and "immature"

It could be there is something in your life they feel you need to focus on more. I'm would like to believe their intentions are in the right place.
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Haven't experienced that in particular but I really don't understand that sort of behavior. I would never ever go up to someone and tell them "I think less of you" because of something they do... Well I might think a bit less about a person who would do such a thing
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First, if there are real issues of tight money or space, your relative might have a point. Other than that, they sound out of line. If your spouse is cool, and you aren't troubled, not to worry. You and your spouse should be the only ones involved in this kind of discussion. This person thought less well of you?!? Because you collect stuff?!? Ridiculous.

Are there better ways to spend your money? Sure. If you're a Zen monk you could give all your cash to charity. Since you're not, spend as you please within your income. They should be happy you're not spending money on hookers and blow.

The only criticism I've gotten, mostly behind my back, is from my mother in law. I know she thinks games are wasteful and childish. Whatever. It's mildly annoying but I mostly ignore her. My wife thinks my game collection is a bit big but likes to play with me so she's pretty cool about it. That's all that matters to me.

As long as you aren't causing others harm your hobbies should not be the business of others.
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I think football, the Olympics, reality TV and theme-driven/roleplaying games are tedious and dislike them. But people can like what they like. If anything, I find it interesting that humanity, as a species, can have such varied tastes.

I will say that people being judgmental about things that don't affect them is a pet peeve. It's the same trait that drives homophobia, transphobia, etc... In which case, they should keep their mouth shut and opinion to themselves.
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J J
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What is it that they disapprove of?

Collecting games, or playing games?
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MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
That is probably why this person's unexpected and direct feedback upset me. He/She essentially acknowledged that they think less of me because of my gaming habits.


Straight to the point question: are you upset because deep down you realise he/she could be quite right ?
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MNBUCKMANIAC wrote:
Just had a bad experience with a very close relative (not my spouse) expressing disapproval of my investment in boardgames - both the money I spend on purchasing games, and the time I spend researching and playing them...soblue

This person is not a collector of anything, and is, in fact, the least materialistic person I know. In addition, I now have a collection of more than 200 games - not all of which get played due to current life circumstances. Bottom line, I can understand where this person is coming from, even if I really value the enjoyment I get from the gaming hobby in different ways.

That is probably why this person's unexpected and direct feedback upset me. He/She essentially acknowledged that they think less of me because of my gaming habits.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with a family member? If so, how did you handle it? Any changes in the dynamic over time?

Thanks,

MNBUCKMANIAC


It is my opinion that putting someone down for doing something that brings them happiness is one of the most evil things you can do. There is so much struggle in everyone's daily life and we are all just trying to find that person, that job, or that hobby that brings us joy. When you see that someone else has found that thing and you decide to piss on it with your negative words you are basically telling them they shouldn't be happy. You're subtly telling them you think you are better than them and that thing they like is a useless waste of time. I'm sure we are all guilty of being this sort of negative person at some point in our lives. We need to realize not everyone likes the same thing or chooses to live the same life. Even if you vehemently disagree with someone's life choices, as long as they aren't hurting anyone you have no right to judge them or make them feel shame. Let people do what makes them happy. If you can't see the value beyond that then you're an idiot and should keep your negativity to yourself. Buy ten more games and send this family member a picture of you proudly putting them on your shelves.
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