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Subject: HiveGod's 50th Birthday Party / Caption Contest / Space Latrine! rss

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Chris Tannhauser
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Awww yeeeaaah—hit it ladies:



Half a century, fools! That means I'm most of the way to the Kurzweilian Singularity where I'll be resurrected as a squad of terrified appliances just before being accidentally overwritten by some nerd's petaporn. But those sweet split seconds of digital immortality will totally be worth the lack of cheeseburgers and couch surfing required to make it there. And while I should be doing deadlifts and wheatgrass shots all day, instead I'll be tummy-deep in Refn's The Neon Demon and an entire box of Lucky Charms. Hopefully the amount of time such things peel off the end of my life will mean that I expire just before the killbot swarm penetrates the bunker in 2076 rather than just after—it's the difference between telling everyone I love them as I close my eyes with a final sigh... or screaming at the dog to trigger the nuke as my intestines briefly snarl a killbot's whirly bits. The good news is that we all know that can't possibly happen—that is, after all, exactly what a killbot's whirly bits are for. They won't snarl in the least.

Until then, I'm sure there's cake around here somewhere, and a caption contest with fabulous prizes!*


*That is, if you think digital currency is fabulous—and if you do, well, then you're gonna love roboheaven!


THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN
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Yohannas Mamamas
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"You've got precisely 15 seconds to find that contact lens before I stomp your head again."
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Ron
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All you need is love :)
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Devoted Follower of the Most Holy Church of the Evil Bob. Possessed and down the road to become chaotic, evil & naughty. All hail the Evil Bob and his Stargate.
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Happy Birthday, Chris!



Contest Entry:
"Yippie-kayee, mo**erfu**er!"
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Walking on eggshells is not my style
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I may have mutant short legs and aerodynamic ears, but at least I ain't sporting a man-bun.... Big Guy.
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Rusty McFisticuffs
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HiveGod wrote:

"Wait--they're showering right now? Move, let me see!"
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Mystery McMysteryface
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[floatleft]

HiveGod: "You just couldn't say 'I DO believe in fairies!'"
MayaGirl: "Oh, God...I killed Tinkerbell..."
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Paul - the
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My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
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...and the Eye of Sauron the Terrible few could endure.
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HiveGod wrote:


No, I'm your father!
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♪ Isaäc Bickërstaff ♫
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Entropy Seminar:
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The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekund lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot.
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"Tell me one more time I look like Grizzly Adams. I dare you."
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Boaty McBoatface
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Monopoly, NOOOOOOO!!!!
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¡dn ʇǝƃ ʇ,uɐɔ ı puɐ uǝllɐɟ ǝʌ,ı
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Billy McBoatface
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Don't ever say "Happy Birthday" to me again, dammit!
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Dennis Ku
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"And that's just the LEFT testicle. You should see the other one!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY EYES!"
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Wendy Lee
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Yes! Yes, you may kiss my feet and begin your worship of me.
[/q]
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Robb Minneman
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Jackasses? You let a whole column get stalled and strafed on account of a couple of jackasses? What the hell's the matter with you?
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The Cubs won the Series. HiveGod is turning 50. <Insert terrible political comment here. Or comment about terrible politics.>

Truly, these are the signs of impending Armageddon. Happy Birthday, Chris!
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Steve Vondra
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[center]


Now... Anyone else wanna try and deliver that AARP letter?
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Chapel
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"Don't be humble... you're not that great."
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"Saigon, shit.
I'm still only in Saigon.
Every time I think I'm going to wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse.
I'd wake up and there'd be nothing...
I hardly said a word to my wife until I said yes to a divorce.
When I was here I wanted to be there.
When I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle.
I've been here a week now.
Waiting for a mission, getting softer.
Every minute I stay in this room I get weaker. And every minute Charlie squats in the bush he gets stronger.
Each time I look around the walls move in a little tighter.

Everyone gets everything he wants.
I wanted a mission, and for my sins they gave me one.
Brought it up to me like room service."
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John Hathorn
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Well, you won that game of Rochambo. Want to play again?
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Chris Tannhauser
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A woman in a darkened trailer park pawns her flat-screen TV for a shotgun.
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Meanwhile, there's a footprint on the moon.
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kuhrusty wrote:
"Wait--they're showering right now? Move, let me see!"

I like the ambiguity here. Am I saying it? Is he? A third party off frame? These are the questions that make life worth living.
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Chris Tannhauser
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A woman in a darkened trailer park pawns her flat-screen TV for a shotgun.
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robbbbbb wrote:
<Insert terrible political comment here. Or comment about terrible politics.>

My original lead went political but I nixed it on account of having actual empathy—like the blind men with the elephant we're all looking at the same dumpster fire and when the fire department finally gets here and puts it out half of us will see that there was, indeed, a hobo in there the whole time.
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Chris Tannhauser
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A woman in a darkened trailer park pawns her flat-screen TV for a shotgun.
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Meanwhile, there's a footprint on the moon.
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MWChapel wrote:
"Saigon, shit.
I'm still only in Saigon."

And now, drunken Tai Chi in my underwear.
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Rudy
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I think I'll lay down for a bit...
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Things are looking up!
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Happy Birthday, Chris!
HiveGod wrote:

"That's right, there is no Santa Clause. ...And Mr Snuggles had to be put down, he did not run away. ...And you will grow in a job without benefits or a retirement plan. The company will let you go and Social Security will not be there when you need it. You will be old and nobody will understand you.

Look, next time I want you to take out the trash, just do it. OK?.
"
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George Rothrock
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Games!
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TAP TAP SQUEEEeeeeee

"Um, is thing dead?"
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Robert Wesley
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HiveGod wrote:
"Don't worry, since CGI has it 'appear' that I'm young Obi-Wan and you're young Anakin with limbs 'cut-off' amidst HOT LAVA DEATH, or along those lines."
robot *Bonus* "Star Trek-The Movie" taught US that in SPACE you can SEE and hear 'colours'-streaks, apparently ONLY during "Warp-speeds"!
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Chris Tannhauser
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~ About the Musical Accompaniment ~

There is a moment in Blade (1998)—an okay-I-guess movie about a half-vampire with IRS troubles and a very grumpy Kris Kristofferson—where your benumbed brain suddenly sits up and shits itself:



(For some reason this is a four-minute loop; you can kill it at 1:08.)

You spend the rest of the movie in raw, aching wonderment at those glorious 30 seconds: Who are they? Why have I not heard this before? I must wallow in their entire oeuvre or I will surely die!

You go straight from the theater to the Tower Records on level three, where you purchase a compact disc of the Blade soundtrack, after which you struggle to open the jewel case in your car before inserting that rainbow platter into your Sony Discman (with cassette tape adapter) for a skip-tactic listen on the drive home...

And that song is nowhere to be found.

It's okay, you think, it must be a hidden track, somewhere past track 86 or some such—you just need to get home where you can skip over the 20 minutes of silence to the entire reason for the album, the entire reason for the movie, the entire reason for Wesley Snipe's loud, sweaty conception—

But that's all a lie.

THE SONG DOESN'T EXIST

You start asking your friends. Then your weird acquaintances who are, you know, totally "into music"—no, like really—and when that turns up nothing you try that whole "Information Superhighway" thing some people are talking about, but it's like HAL 9000 singing "Daisy Bell (Bicycle Built for Two)" even though Ragu (the spaghetti sauce company) has a "website" that was talked about on the TV news. Maybe the 23 subscribers to Fangoria magazine would know, but their basements aren't wired yet, so there's no way to find out.

You spend years, literal years, wondering at the thing, questing like a fallen knight through swamps of blank faces and "Why do you keep watching that scene from Blade over and over?" questions from concerned loved ones...

Until...

One day, the internet proper wakes and connects the dots, and all those lonely questing knights come together in an army, an army whose deafening battle cry is "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING?!"

And the answer: "Oh, that? It was a throwaway bit of junk scraped together on the fly to fill thirty seconds of screen time between some forgettable dialog and a murder spree. Why would we put that on the soundtrack?"

If you have to ask, you're dead inside.

/Old Man HiveGod


And now, some Sigue Sigue Sputnik:

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Billy McBoatface
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I have to agree, that Bang Wa Cherry clip is pretty awesome. If the whole movie had been that cool, well, it would have been a better movie.
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