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Subject: Who is this Star Wars nerd, and what have you done with my wife? rss

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Chris Tannhauser
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"I looked at my hands, I understood that one fine day, one fine evening to be precise, they would no longer be hands but some other awful thing." —Jack Kerouac
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My beautiful wife married a Star Wars nerd, and then gestated, birthed and raised two more, without, I think, ever having even seen a Star Wars movie. Of course, she can sort-of name most of the significant figures in the pantheon—like any red-blooded American she can identify the hamburger clowns and knows that the dude strung up in the pointy buildings is Jesus—so she’s familiar with the larger cultural touchstones even if she doesn’t eat fast food or go to church. Darth Vader is the bad guy. Princess Leia and Han Solo are the good guys. There are stormtroopers and a Death Star. But it gets fuzzy beyond that.


Fig. 1 — Kinda hot.

So what, right?

Well, this Star Wars agnostic is going to go see Rogue One with her boss and coworkers tonight, and yeah, the rest of us are apoplectic with varying levels of disbelief and envy.

In preparation for the event she asked me to help her cram so she looks like she knows what she’s doing, and man, does it ever sound stupid once you start trying to explain it to a nonbeliever:

“So Star Wars Star Wars—the one you know from 1977—was actually Episode Four.”

“Why did they start with episode four?”

“Yeeeah—that’s a long story. The movie you’re going to see is the prequel to that one.”

“So it’s… episode three.”

“Uh—no.”

“What?!”

“We’re not going to talk about Episode Three—forget all that. In Star Wars Star Wars they blow up the Death Star, right?”

“Yes. Hey, why did they want to blow up the Death Star?”

I took a moment with this one.

“Well, first off, Death Star, secondly it blows up planets.”

“Does Darth Vader help them?”

“No—he rides around in it.”

“So the Death Star is like his tank?”

Beat.

“Sure. So this movie is the story about how they get the plans to blow it up in the first Star Wars movie.”

“In episode one.”

“No—don’t say that, don’t talk like that. Don’t mention ‘episodes’. Just stick to ‘Star Wars’ and you’ll be fine. So this is the movie before Star Wars.”

“And the stormtroopers are the good guys.”

“No, they’re the bad guys—the white is ironic.”

“Oh. Does Princess Leia have any stormtroopers or does she run around all by herself?”

And so on.

Fast-forward to last night—she gets home late and first thing through the door asks if any packages came for her. I reply in the negative and she begins excoriating Jeff Bezos and “guaranteed delivery days” and how critical it is that this package is here before Thursday—emphasis I take to mean it’s a work-related book or somesuch because otherwise why should the timing matter? I tell her that sometimes they come as late as eight pm and it’s only seven so there’s still a chance—

The doorbell rings and she bolts, coming back inside with an enormous box. “Wow,” she says, “they must be bigger than I thought!”

“What did you get?”

“Leia buns for everyone.”

Let that sink in for a second: Leia buns for everyone.

I don’t even think she knows the word “cosplay” and yet here we are. My beautiful, non-Star Wars wife is dressing up with her boss and coworkers to go see the latest Star Wars movie before anyone else in her family.

“No spoilers, Mom,” said my son.

She laughed. “I wouldn’t do that to you guys!”

“Yeah, but you won’t even know what’s a spoiler and what’s not, so you can’t say anything.”

I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
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Josh Jennings
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HiveGod wrote:

“So Star Wars Star Wars—the one you know from 1977—was actually Episode Four.


Tripped right out of the gate, I see.
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Josh Jennings
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Out of curiousity, did you bring up the Bothans?
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Rob
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Made my day!

Thanks,
Robbo
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Chris Tannhauser
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thermogimp wrote:
Out of curiousity, did you bring up the Bothans?

I did indeed, and the fact that she would see many of them

Spoiler (click to reveal)
die.
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Billy McBoatface
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HiveGod wrote:
thermogimp wrote:
Out of curiousity, did you bring up the Bothans?

I did indeed, and the fact that she would see many of them

Spoiler (click to reveal)
die.

Wasn't that the 2nd death star? I don't think we'll necessarily see it in Rogue One. Probably Rogue One and Three Eights will cover it.
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Josh Jennings
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Crap. I've been out-Star-Warsed. I'll show myself out.
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Chris Tannhauser
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thermogimp wrote:
Crap. I've been out-Star-Warsed. I'll show myself out.

See? You see how confusing it is?
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Jeff G
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Congrats on finally converting her over.
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HiveGod wrote:
thermogimp wrote:
Crap. I've been out-Star-Warsed. I'll show myself out.

See? You see how confusing it is?


It's alright, Bothans probably died for the first one, too.

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Next, tell her Boba Fett started off as a cartoon character from a xmas special.

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Chris Tannhauser
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MWChapel wrote:
Next, tell her Boba Fett started off as a cartoon character from a xmas special.

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Chris Tannhauser
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Drew1365 wrote:
Don't get me started on the Planet-based Death Planet from The Force Awakens. (That didn't merely require one to suspend disbelief, but hang it until dead.)

So it fired from where to where? Planet Death Planet was in the same solar system as all its targets? Wouldn't it have been easier (and much, much cheaper) to just... drop a rock on each one?


PS. It is only fitting that this thread should devolve into pointless nerd-squabbling.
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Robert Wesley
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robot You should have had her watch "Hardware Wars" with 'moi' "fav" character "4-Q-2"! whistle
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Robb Minneman
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HiveGod wrote:
Drew1365 wrote:
Don't get me started on the Planet-based Death Planet from The Force Awakens. (That didn't merely require one to suspend disbelief, but hang it until dead.)

So it fired from where to where? Planet Death Planet was in the same solar system as all its targets? Wouldn't it have been easier (and much, much cheaper) to just... drop a rock on each one?


PS. It is only fitting that this thread should devolve into pointless nerd-squabbling.


Oh, a free license to nerd-squabble!

It is clear from the workings of the Star Wars universe that Einsteinian physics (aka Special Relativity) doesn't apply*. Given that, just accelerating a rock up to some fraction of c and dropping it on a planet may not work as well. Plus shields**.

Also: It is specified by hand-wavy dude at the Special Briefing that Starkiller Base is, "Some kind of Hyper-Lightspeed Weapon." If it's a nifty-doodad-thingamajigger*** then it doesn't need to worry about being in the same solar system as its targets. It just pulls the trigger and shoots them from wherever it wants to wherever it wants.

* Seriously: Causality, FTL Travel, Relativity. Pick two.
** Which also violate known physics****.
*** I thought Star Trek was the one that went in for technobabble.
**** Which is why this is space opera and not science fiction.

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Xander Fulton
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Drew1365 wrote:
Honestly, how long does it take to build a Death Star (aka "Darth Vader's Tank")?

Because it's in the planning stages in Episode 2, construction has begun by the end of Episode 3, and finally completing the first test of its Planet-destroying Laser Gun in Episode 4.

So that's a heck of a long time. Approximately two decades (Earth Reckoning).

Which means either Death Star II (aka "Palpatine's Casket") was begun soon after work on Death Star I began . . . or they spent a lot of valuable Civilization points to rush the completion of the Space Wonder before the other Civ players.

Don't get me started on the Planet-based Death Planet from The Force Awakens. (That didn't merely require one to suspend disbelief, but hang it until dead.)


The book 'Catalyst' (an otherwise dreadful slog) establishes that the Death Star I was built by Geonosians after the Republic reconquered their planet as the 'Republic battle station'. Those working on it thought/believed that Dooku was building his own (the plans, after all, originating from a Separatist world) and they were in a race to finish theirs first. It's not established in the novel whether Dooku ACTUALLY was or wasn't building one for the Separatists, but...well, I wouldn't put it past him. In any case, if it was being built, it never got completed (obviously) because Dooku was killed, the Clone Wars ended, and the droid armies shut down.

Wouldn't surprise me to find out that is where the Death Star II came from - once the Geonosian Death Star was destroyed, Palpatine had construction resume on the Endor Death Star. (Question being how long it would take him to find it, presuming he didn't know where it was in the first place)
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Billy McBoatface
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Drew1365 wrote:
Oh, I guess it was actually Phobos.

(Click for Bigly Size)

 


I wonder why they didn't use Deimos. It would have been easier.

C'mon, Drew! You can't leave us hanging! What happened to Wilma and Lt. Burke?
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Bryan Thunkd
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Did anyone ever really need a deathstar? Just throw some engines on a few giant asteroids, get them up to light speed and aim them through a planet.
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robbbbbb wrote:
**** Which is why this is space opera and not science fiction.


QFT
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Well, there's a "1st"-ever whence stated: "And we're two weeks late..." inferring Wilma's onset with "pregnancy"! Usually, the Father is informed after many another already 'heard' since: "Women!" Not even Adam were. shake
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So it goes
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This whole business with episodes is why I can't have nice things. My wife is a trekkie.
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So at no point did you try to have her at least see the original?
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Wendy Lee
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Time for a check in from the wife.

Dear HiveGod Honey,

Yes, I did see the first Star Wars film in 1977 in a theater by myself because no one in my family would go and I wanted be a part of the nerd-fest I could see coming. Clearly my exposure was limited, so now I am just catching up--kinda of like the Lego problem I have. I appreciate your loving attention to my Star Wars education.

Oh yeah, I picked up a Rebel Alliance shirt to wear with my Leia buns tonight. Sorry you're not here to see that. Great news today! The big boss agreed to let our whole team fly Rebel Alliance flags outside our offices to distinguish our team from the rest of the teams on the floor of our building. Good thing that I will soon know what that flag means.

I'll try not to let out any spoilers or gloat too much that I got to see it before you and the kids.

May the force be with you.
Your loving wife,
Maya
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whistle He's "playing" HON Solo on the 'sofa' accompanied with "Choosepillowy" the 'Schmoopiee'!
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