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Subject: Chuck Norris And The Rock Review Xevoz rss

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Paul DeStefano
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Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. I do not know Chuck Norris nor Dwayne Johnson. However, I do know Xevoz, and I'm fairly sure if the two of them got together to review the game, it would go like this.

Now, you may wonder why Chuck Norris and The Rock would be playing Xevoz, the constructable action figure game. I'll tell you why: these are the only two guys who would assemble and disassemble these 6" tall ball and socket figures without constant exclamations of pain as they repeatedly press and pull on pointed plastic bits that would mutilate lesser mens fingers. If average humans play this game, there is much swearing and sucking on fingertips. The review would take too long as most of the descriptions would be the torturous pain of trying to snap a painfuly angled mantis man's leg into what you assume to be his hip. Chuck and The Rock are more capable of enduring this pain, or at least, not wincing.

Now, on to our star reviewers: Chuck & The Rock.

CN: I ain't playing with no kid toys.

TR: C'mon Chuck, give it a try. Think of the children. They look up to you.

CN: OK, but only for the kids. What do we do? And why aren't you wearing a shirt?

TR: Never mind that. Luckily, we happen to have a big bin filled with all these bits of cool aliens.

CN: Looks like R2D2 took a crap in a shoebox. What the hell is this piece supposed to be?

TR: That's a... Let me see that... This is... Either the thighbone of a skeleton, or the front fork of a motorcycle.

CN: Motorcycle?

TR: Some sets had vehicles. The background isn't solid like The Rock.

CN: What am I supposed to do with it?

TR: You build a warrior. An action figure.

CN: As long as its an action figure, and not a dol, I'm OK with it. Is there one of me?

TR: No. Things like werewolf monsters, bugs, undead things.

CN: Stupid game. I had an action figure line. I'm going to use one of those. Better than a cyber-mummy-scuba diver.

TR: Chuck, you promised. Now you have to build a figure of the exact same number of pieces as I do.

CN: How do I know what to build?

TR: You can use the rule sheet to give you ideas, or just wing it. Really, each piece acts as kind of a hit point to track damage...

CN: Hitting? Damage? Now we're getting somewhere.

TR: But some pieces match up to these triangle rods, which you'll use to build a battle die.

CN: This chunk has stars and swords on it. And there's a picture of a gun on this side.

TR: That's a piece of a die. If your figure has that gun, you can take that piece. Stars heal your guy, swords hurt the other. As long as the number on the die is higher than the other guys roll.

CN: This one has a bomb. This is getting better.

TR: Bombs do massive damage.

CN: Like a roundhouse kick to the neck.

TR: Sure, Chuck. Now, if you have a high number, you win the fight. And you get to do what the die shows. So, if a side has a high number and a sword, it has a good chance of doing 1 damage, removing a bit from the opponent.

CN: Like a roundhouse kick to the neck.

TR: Right. But some weapons have really low numbers, but do lots of damage.

CN: Like a roundhouse kick to the neck.

TR: OK. So now build your figure, and take 6 die bits that match weapons and armor and such to make this odd shaped die to roll. When you roll, you choose white or black side of your die face to count. So you can make black all attack and white all defensive or just random or whatever, to kind of try to control what your guy does.

CN: Let's do it.

(At this point The Rock and Chuck Norris assemble their alien warriors without even a grimace or complaint which a lesser man would have. Considering the target audience for this game is about 10 years old, it generally requires Dad to come by, assemble the figures and bleed from his fingertips.)

CN: I'm ready. I built my guy, I built my die. Let's fight.

TR: Good, I... Chuck, your guy has no head.

CN: You said I could do what I want.

TR: But your...

CN: I'm Chuck Norris.

TR: An action figure should really at least look...

CN: I'm Chuck Norris.

TR: What is it you even have there, it just looks like a bunch of armored legs.

CN: Roundhouse to the neck. Every turn.

TR: But what if my...

CN: My guy has no neck. Perfect defense.

TR: I think maybe you're missing the point here...

CN: I'm Chuck Norris. Your guy looks like a punk rocker on a flying surfboard with a cannon for an arm. That's better?

TR: OK, fine. Take your ball of legs. Now, some packs come with a map like this one. Put your thing over there.

CN: What's these numbers on the map?

TR: If your guy is standing on one that and his roll matches the monster type on the space you're on, you get a bonus.

CN: Tactical terrain advantage. Got it.

TR: And some let you teleport to other boards that give your guys more chances for more bonuses.

CN: I'm Chuck Norris. I don't need more bonuses.

Chuck and The Rock proceed to move their figures and roll dice.

CN: HA! Roundhouse to the neck! I kick your head off! I win!

TR: They're aliens, Chuck. They don't die that easy.

CN: I knocked his head off. He can't use his eye lasers, right?

TR: I guess you would think that, but according to the rules, I can still use my eye laser. I told you the body parts were more like hit points.

CN: Rules? I don't need rules. I kicked your head off. I win.

TR: For the kids, Chuck.

CN: OK, but I know I won. I'm Chuck Norris.

Play continues as characters move for advantage, roll dice, heal and damage each other. After about 5 minutes, Chuck Norris has a thigh, shin and foot, facing off against The Rock's abdomen and head which he healed back on.

CN: This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can still roundhouse you over and over. What can you do?

TR: Its a kids game, Chuck, don't read into it.

CN: Who made this game, Monty Python? What are you going to do, bite my kneecaps?

A few die rolls later, and The Rock is defeated.

CN: This is no surprise. I'm Chuck Norris.

TR: Well, what do you think?

CN: I think the figures are a pain, the die rolls random and the map almost let me take control. But I won.

TR: The figures do look pretty cool, I'll give it that. And the way one figure is forced to follow the other around is kind of strange, but it kind of simulates wrestling, where you guide the opponent to where you want him. But the dice really decide the game.

CN: I'll give it three of five roundhouses to the neck. Its OK. If you're a kid. And I'm not. I'm Chuck Norris.

TR: And I'm The Rock, and that was our tag team review of Xevoz.
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Ken B.
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Paul, every time you do a review I'm left thinking, "Now why the !#$@#! didn't *I* think of that?!"


Funny stuff!
 
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Brian M
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That was a hilarious review!

But it makes the game sound much, much deeper than it really is.
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Paul DeStefano
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franklincobb wrote:
"Now why the !#$@#! didn't *I* think of that?!"


It would be terrifying if two people independently though of having The Rock and Chuck Norris review Xevoz.
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Joel Daves
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Oh my.. I'm glad no one else was left in the office to hear me laughing as I read that. Anybody actually buy enough of these things to build a Chuck Norris Ball o' Legs to photograph and put up on the Geek?
 
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Paul DeStefano
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Thanks. I'm here all week.
 
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Steve Wagner
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Chuck Norris and the Rock should review every game.
 
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