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Subject: Rule Book Review rss

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Jeremiah Sharpensteen
United States
Kentucky
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Hey Everybody,

First off I just want to say if this is the wrong forum for this, please let me know where I should put this instead.

I'm looking for some people who would be kind enough to give my rulebook a read. We've been play testing our new game, but it's mainly been with us explaining/making sure it's played how we want it to be. So if you all would be so kind as to give it a read, and let me know any comments/call outs you may have, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UkkjYUwuz5cRsjPOuWro12OF...



 
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Calum Taylor
Scotland
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Hi,

I think you need to see about being more economical with your wordcount.
One example would be this rule

"2) You may now enter your first action phase. In this phase you do one of the following two actions.
a. You may use this phase as a move phase. If so you will roll the die (if you roll the die you cannot use a support ability). You may move a total number of spaces up to the number shown (you may move less). You may play 1 eligible enhancement card with your move. The Enhancement card will state when they can be played.
b. Or you may use a single support technique of your choosing from your Power cards. This is the only time in the round that you may move, on your own, or use a support ability. If you have an Enhancement card to boost your support ability, you may play one now."

I would try to cut it down to something like this.

"2) Next is the first action phase; you have two options in this phase:
1 - Move. Roll a dice and move up to the rolled number of spaces. You cannot use support abilities but you may use one Enhancement card with your move. Check the enhancement card to make sure it can be played.

2 - Use one support technique from your power cards. You can also
use an Enhancement card that would boost your support ability."

The second version is a full 59 words shorted while containing the same information. Your game looks interesting so the last thing you want is players put off by wordy rules!

I hope that helps a little.
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Jeremiah Sharpensteen
United States
Kentucky
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Great callout, thanks. I'll look into making it more concise.
 
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Jeremiah Sharpensteen
United States
Kentucky
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Thanks for everybody that has taken a look at the rules. I've made a bunch of changes to the rules, and hope they are much more solid. I would still like to get as much feedback on them as possible. I've added the link below, and updated the OP. Thanks for any help.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UkkjYUwuz5cRsjPOuWro12OF...
 
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Conor Davitt
United States
Ohio
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I've added several comments/suggestions to the document as well. Hopefully they make sense, but if you need more info, please let me know. Good luck!
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Daniel Connaughton
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Hello Jeremiah! I like the overall game idea and reading the rules really makes me want to check out the maps. I added some comments to the google doc. I had some of the same as Conor (he has helpful comments in there) so I didn't bother repeating those. Anyways, hope what I did add in helps out.
 
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Jeremiah Sharpensteen
United States
Kentucky
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Thanks for the comments Dan & Connor! I'm going to work through them this week, and hopefully post an updated version by Friday.
 
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Jeremiah Sharpensteen
United States
Kentucky
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Thanks to all who have commented so far. I've made quite a few revisions, and have updated the OP link. There are a couple things (the card description sections) that I haven't changed yet. I'm waiting just a little longer to finalize a few things before updating that section. However, I will make adjustments in future revisions. I will be adding an example gameplay section, at the end, once those items are finalized, also.

Again thanks for all the commentary, and here is a link to the newest update.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UkkjYUwuz5cRsjPOuWro12OF...
 
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Marcus Maclean
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Hello Jeremiah!

I like the concept but your rulebook has many basic grammar issues. Not the end of the world but I would look at fixing them before moving forward.

I've made quite a few suggestions early in the guide.

Basically, I'd recommend using shorter, simpler sentences. Try breaking long sentences into two or three. (Makes it easier to read.) I'd recommend using Google Chrome with the Grammarly extension.

Depending on what your plans are, you may want to consider working with an editor. Or a ghostwriter. Unfortunately, a great game with a poorly written rulebook may be a total turn off for some people.

The concept itself is awesome though. Fix these basic errors and you'll be well on your way!
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