Advanced Progeny  in Madame Mittermaier’s, vs. Guise , Eternal Haka , Chrono-Ranger Best of Times , and Termi-Nation Absolute Zero . These promos were not exactly picked for the sake of winning; BTCR’s power is totally useless in this match, although the extra HP might be crucial to him, while AZ almost certainly doesn’t dare use his Power, AND he has terrifyingly low HP. Combine that with Progeny’s disastrous Advanced status, where he can get as many as all eight of his scions into play, and I don’t know how much hope we can possibly hold out for this match. I’ve beaten Progeny several times, but it was almost always early in my career, probably not on Advanced, and very likely assisted by rules confusion that I can no longer rely upon. My highest priority for this match is to try and make it fast, so we’ll see if we can avoid losing intentionally, but just as determinedly prevent our game from falling into a stalemate.
Setup: Progeny begins as a Scion of Frost [Guise 26, Haka 32, CR 28, AZ 24], so maybe the heroes have a chance. Guise draws Gimmicky Character, Selling Out, Look What I Found, and Retcon. Haka starts with Taiaha, Punish the Weak, another Taiaha, and Vitality Surge. Chrono-Ranger gets Sudden Contract, Hunter And Hunted x2, and The Ultimate Target. AZ has two Isothermic Transducers, Thermal Shockwave, and Modular Realignment.
Villain 1: Progeny plays Elemental Outburst [Haka 29]. He deals the usual 2 damage to all heroes [Guise 24, Haka 27, CR 26, AZ 22].
Guise 1: Since he has a Retcon and is in a super-dangerous Environment, he figures he might as well start by Selling Out, possibly for a candy bar or the like, since he isn’t actually going to be doing very much with it. He activates Tough Choices, dealing 1 damage to Progeny which only heals him, and draws Say Cheese as well as Where Did I Leave That.
Haka 1: Does Vitality Surge  and draws Haka of Battle. Activates Haka of Knowledge, drawing Enduring Intercession, discarding Haka of Battle, and drawing Elbow Smash and Mere, then draws another Mere.
Chrono-Ranger 1: Sees no real reason to play a card this turn, so draws Displaced Armory and “Just Doin’ My Job”.
Absolute 01: Puts down his Transducer, uses no power, draws Cold Snap.
Enviro 1: Gone Without A Trace enters play. It’s far from doing anything, so Guise sees no reason to dispose of it, and his Selling Out proves fruitless.
Villain 2: Plays Scion of the Storm [Guise 23, Haka 28, CR 25, AZ 21]. Deals his innate 2 [21/26/23/19], then plays another Scion of Frost [20/25/22/18]. This is the first time I can recall having ever had three Scions in play; perhaps that was because I didn’t know what I was doing when I last played his Advanced version, or maybe he just didn’t draw three Scions before flipping.
Guise 2: Returns his candy bar uneaten, and goes digging around in his man-purse for Gritty Reboot and I Can Do That Too. With Tough Choices, he plays the latter, then punches himself  and draws Super Ultra Kawaii as well as Gimmicky Character.
Haka 2: Since it will take serious damage to ever get through all that Frosty healing, Haka plays Punish the Weak, certain that it will never backfire against this villain. Haka of Knowledge draws him Haka of Restoration, which he exchanges for Enduring Intercession and Punish the Weak. Finally draws yet another Punish the Weak.
Chrono-Ranger 2: Uses Displaced Armory to fetch his Compounded Bow, dealing 1 damage from which Progeny heals, but then using his power to deal 2 more which gets through . Draws another Sudden Contract.
Absolute 02: Draws Cold Snap and Frost-Bound Drain as his whole turn.
Enviro 2: Unstable Midway enters play.
Villain 3: Form of the Harbinger fetches a fourth Scion for Progeny, discarding Beginning of the End, another Form of the Harbinger, an Hour of Reckoning, and arriving at Scion of Blight. He deals poison damage all around [Guise 18, Haka 24, CR 21, AZ 17] and Guise draws X-Treeeeeeeeme!!! Then he deals Form of the Harbinger’s energy damage [Guise 17, Haka 23, CR 20, AZ 16] and Guise draws Gimmicky Character (which I must point out is a completely useless card in this match, so it’s fitting that he’s drawing so many of them, much as all the others except CR are drawing junk). Progeny now deals his innate damage all around [Guise 15, Haka 21, CR 18, AZ 14], and Guise draws Best Card Ever. “Finally” Progeny plays another Form of the Harbinger, discarding Elemental Outburst and getting Scion of the Storm [Guise 14, Haka 20, CR 17, AZ 13, Guise draws SUK again, Guise 13, Haka 19, CR 16, AZ 12, Guise draws I Can Do That Too – it’s a real pity he’s not last in turn order, or he could make excellent use of out-of-turn Violent Shivers]. This then plays Obvious Futility, and Progeny is finally done. Gritty enough for you, Guise?
Guise 3: Through with spouting detective-movie cliches, Guise still doesn’t have his Barbarian card, so he figures it’s not time to go off yet, and plays Retcon on the Unstable Midway, drawing Uh Yeah I’m That Guy. Activates Tough Choices, draws Say Cheese, and punches Absolute Zero , since the party needs to feed Progeny a sacrifice or they’re going to be extremely dead. Draws Lemme See That.
Haka 3: Plays Mere, concurs with Guise’s analysis, and bonks Absolute Zero on the head , drawing Taiaha and Dominion.
Chrono-Ranger 3: Plays Sudden Contract, dealing 1 damage to Progeny (this is reduced to 0 and thus does not make him heal); AZ discards a Cold Snap. Plays By Any Means on Progeny, but that’s not good enough to justify firing his Bow this turn, so he draws Eye On The Prize and is done.
Absolute 03: “If you wanted me damaged, guys, you could have just asked; I have Frost-Bound Drain right here.” Instead, Zero puts down Thermal Shockwave, uses no power, and draws Focused Apertures.
Enviro 3: Another Gone Without A Trace enters play. There’s a serious possibility that if the heroes can get Progeny down to 12 HP (because of By Any Means) while either healing or killing each of their casualties, Progeny might vanish into the Festival; this is about their only chance at this point.
Villain 4: FLIP! Plays The Inevitable, discarding The Inevitable, Scion of Blight, Elemental Outburst, and playing Hour of Reckoning. Deals 1 to each hero [Guise 12, Haka 18, CR 15, AZ 8]. Deals 3 radiant to Zero , then plays his Advanced card, which is another Inevitable. This discards the other Beginning of the End and a Scion of Flame, producing more Obvious Futility. Another global damage goes off [Guise 11, Haka 19, CR 14, AZ 4], and his first Scion of the Storm then outright plays Time of Tribulations off the other Scion, fortunately doing no damage with it – up until his second Storm Scion plays Scion of Flame. This is 4 fire damage, so AZ dies without getting to Transduce [Guise 7, Haka 15, CR 10] – and that means the heroes have to throw another of their number under the bus, without playing a card, or else Progeny will unflip from AZ’s death and will not be able to destroy two Scions with his deadly Ongoings. (Actually no throwing was required, since I forgot to have Guise damaged by this latest Scion, so just assume that his martyr antics in the following round are in-character tomfoolery)
Guise 4: With the lowest HP, Guise is selected as the new butt-monkey, so he makes the Tough Choice to draw Look What I Found, then punches himself . Also draws I Can Do That Too (which will definitely not be comboed with Violent Shivers this game).
Haka 4: Clocks Guise with his Mere , largely because Guise was stupid enough to punch himself when he could have drawn two cards the old-fashioned way. Of course, so could he...come to think of it, let’s Retcon that neither of these attacks happened [Guise 7]. Draws Rampage and Haka of Restoration.
Chrono-Ranger 4: Draws Temporal Grenade and Bounty Board.
Absolute 04: As powerful during the Hour of Reckoning as he would be otherwise, dead AZ ditches one of the Obvious Futilities.
Enviro 4: The Abandoned Big Top materializes around the party. Gone Without A Trace doesn’t yet have any effect.
Villain 5: Stays flipped, destroying the Hour of Reckoning, the Time of Tribulations, and both Scions of the Storm, along with the four Hero cards in play. The last card in Progeny’s deck is another Time of Tribulations, so Guise really feels Progeny’s innate [3 base damage doubled by Scion of Flame and Time of Tribulation, leaving Guise at 1]. Advanced text shuffles Progeny’s deck and plays Scion of the Storm, dealing 4 damage across the board [Guise X, Haka 11, CR 6], and then playing an Elemental Outburst which deals 4x3 damage to Haka, and now he’s dead as well. The Gone Without A Traces could easily disappear him before he can do anything here….
Guise 5: The Gone Without A Traces are safe enough as long as there’s not more than one Attraction in play, so Guise’s third ability destroys the Big Top in order to keep things under control.
Haka 5: All damage is reduced by 2.
Chrono-Ranger 5: Plays and uses the Temporal Grenade to remove Obvious Futility. Draws Displaced Armory.
Absolute 05: All non-cold damage is now reduced by 3, and cold by 2.
Enviro 5: Chrono-Ranger hides in the Maze of Mirrors. This is the one way he might escape this alive. He’s just high enough HP to escape the Gone Without A Traces.
Villain 6: Progeny stays flipped, destroys the Scion of the Storm, and plays Hour of Reckoning. So far, so good with this plan. His innate damage is redirected to himself by the Maze and reduced to 1, so 4 points of healing  and a discard are triggered (the discard is a serious issue for the sole surviving hero; for now he ditches The Ultimate Target). Advanced text also plays Elemental Outburst; with his redirection used up, he targets CR with 2+2+2 damage, but all of it is reduced at least to 0.
Guise 6: To get CR further away from the risk of being disappeared, Guise makes him discard a Hunter or Hunted to heal .
Haka 6 and Absolute 06: Continue turtling.
Chrono-Ranger 6: Draws Terrible Tech-Strike and Dead Or Alive.
Enviro 6: You Won’t Believe Your Eyes enters play.
Villain 7: Hour of Reckoning destroys one of the Scions of Frost, so that CR might have at least some hope of whittling Progeny down if ever he dares to try (or more likely so that Progeny might actually kill himself in the Mirror Maze). Progeny plays Form of the Harbinger, discarding Elemental Outburst and Form of the Harbinger to get Scion of Blight; the toxic damage is redirected to himself and reduced to 0, while the energy is not redirected but is reduced. The other Scion of Frost is destroyed, and now CR has a chance. Progeny deals 1 actual point of radiant damage to CR , and fortunately only then plays Time of Tribulations.
Guise 7: Discards Dead Or Alive to make CR heal as far as he will ever dare to .
Haka 7: Since it’s time to drop the turtling, makes CR play Bounty Board, getting three Bounties back to his hand; he declines the projectile damage, since it would just hit him in the face.
Chrono-Ranger 7: Draws the near-useless Just Doin’ My Job and the completely useless Kill On Sight.
Absolute 07: Allows CR to play Dead Or Alive.
Enviro 7: Progeny doesn’t believe his eyes, dealing 2 psychic to himself ; CR discards Kill On Sight and Just Doin’ My Job. CR also doesn’t believe his eyes, but that’s just 1 damage . The card destroys itself, then the Festival plays All-Seeing Alzrabar. There are 2 Attractions in play, which is now a dangerous number; for the moment CR is safe, but one more Attraction will doom him. He discards Just Doin’ My Job to use Alzrabar on himself, revealing Ranger’s Mark; Kill On Sight goes into play just because it can, and since the first damage dealt by CR and the first damage dealt to Progeny are already accounted for, he goes ahead and shoots the big lunk for 1 .
Villain 8: Time of Tribulations removes a Scion of Blight (I remembered to do this retroactively after the card play, but it’s unlikely I would have chosen otherwise). Scion of Flame enters play; Progeny deals 3 damage to his mirror image , and CR discards Sudden Contract. Progeny then deals his innate, currently at 5 damage [CR 3], and then plays Beginning of the End, ditching the two Bounties that happen to be sitting out, and wiping out the Environment. So much for CR’s relative safety; it’ll be a long time before that Mirror Maze comes back.
Guise 8: CR discards Hunter and Hunted and heals 2 .
Haka 8 & Absolute 08: Back to turtling.
CR 8: Draws The Masadah and Danny-Boy.
Enviro 8: Wheel of Misfortune enters play, and plays the Shooting Gallery (thankfully CR’s exhausted buddies have managed to replace all his bullets with Nerf darts).
Villain 9: Hour of Reckoning enters play, then Progeny deals 2 net to the surviving hero .
Guise 9: CR discards Danny-Boy to heal .
Haka 9 & Absolute 09: Turtle power, such as it is.
CR 9: Draws Ranger’s Mark and Temporal Grenade.
Enviro 9: Unstable Midway enters play, then Wheel of Misfortune plays the World’s Biggest Pool Table. The damage is all nerfed.
Progeny 10: Hour of Reckoning destroys one of the Scions of Flame. Plays Obvious Futility, deals his full 4 damage to CR , and plays The Inevitable, discarding the remainder of his deck without further effect.
Guise 10: Makes CR discard a Temporal Grenade to heal .
Haka 10: Turtles again, though it’s increasingly uncertain whether this is a good idea.
CR 10: Plays and fires the Masadah; with no bounties in play, this has no effect on his target. Draws Eye On The Prize.
AZ 10: Destroys the Futility, hoping this does enough to save CR in spite of his extreme danger (if Progeny does absolutely anything to increase his net damage output through Haka’s reduction, the game will end).
Enviro 10: The Unstable Midway collapses, though it all fits on Haka’s broad shoulders and nobody is hurt in the slightest. The bonus card is in fact the Maze of Mirrors! This destroys Unstable Midway, then Carousel of Horror is played. Wheel of Misfortune brings back Alzrabar, although the risk of killing himself with a Terrible Tech-Strike (unlike all his other damaging one-shots, this one isn’t optional, not even the projectile part) ensures that CR doesn’t dare play for now. Shooting Gallery and Pool Table are nerfed, and Carousel of Horror discards You Won’t Believe and Displaced Armory without other effects, since Progeny’s deck is empty.
Villain 11: Reshuffling the deck for what seemed like an adequate time, I pull Beginning of the End as his play; after ditching the Masadah, CR gets to choose two of the six environment cards to stay in play, and unsurprisingly picks Alzrabar and the Mirror Maze. Progeny’s innate is redirected to himself, but also reduced by 2 . He then plays Elemental Outburst, again threatening to kill CR if Haka ever stops protecting him.
Guise 11: By now CR is almost out of O/Es to discard, so he must give up By Any Means in order to heal .
Haka 11: Continues his thankless task of holding the two survivors of the battle apart from each other.
Chrono-Ranger 11: Ranger’s Mark brings back Dead Or Alive; declines the damage, uses no power, and draws Eye On the Prize.
AZ 11: Enhances Haka’s turtling with some ice armor.
Enviro 11: The Abandoned Big Top enters play. It is now pretty irrelevant, since only two character cards remain active.
Villain 12: Obvious Futility is back; thankfully, this only means Progeny deals the full 4 of his innate to himself, ignoring his own protection . CR discards an Eye On The Prize (I’m choosing to ignore the high probability I’ve forgotten a few Scion of Blight discards already). Then plays The Inevitable, discarding Scion of the Storm, The Inevitable, and Scion of Frost, but putting Time of Tribulations into play and then dealing 4 irreducible, un-redirected damage to CR . With no risk of death, CR decides to discard another Eye On The Prize to play Alzrabar; Hunter and Hunter is revealed.
Guise 12: Only “The Ultimate Target” remains to discard for healing .
Haka 12: “Sigh...” Damage is at -2.
Chrono-Ranger 12: Finally heals from Dead Or Alive . Draws the Hunter and Hunted along with Terrible Tech-Strike, and then discards the last Eye On The Prize to Alzrabar up his own hat.
AZ 12: Destroys the Futility.
Enviro 12: Unstable Midway enters play.
Villain 13: Destroys Time of Tribulations and Scion of Blight. Plays Hour of Reckoning. Deals 2 to himself , then plays Scion of Flame, hitting CR for net 1 , and not destroying any other Scion.
Guise 13: Turns Hunter and Hunted into healing .
Haka 13: Continues juggling the Unstable Midway.
Chrono-Ranger 13: Heals , then draws Jim’s Hat and No Executions (the one Bounty he literally can’t play at all in this match). Discards No Executions to spin up Alzrabar (who is a “put into play” effect, so he gets around Hour of Reckoning), getting a Sudden Contract; he puts the Whole Gang into play, declines to damage Progeny, and is done.
AZ 13: Activates global “chill out” effect. I forgot to use Alzrabar here.
Enviro 13: The Unstable Midway deals no damage, reshuffles the Festival trash again, and plays Gone Without A Trace. Alzrabar goes off before this does, so CR discards a Tech-Strike to spin up...a third Tech-Strike. Oh well, Haka keeps him from hurting himself. Gone Without A Trace finds 3 attractions and only two targets, so it deals 2 net damage to CR .
Villain 14: Hour of Reckoning destroys a Scion of Flame, as well as The Whole Gang and itself; Dead Or Alive remains. Plays Scion of the Storm, whose 2 damage is reduced to 0 and also redirected (that probably contradicts the actual rules, but I’m pretty sure it’s the way I’ve been doing it here). So his innate hits CR for 1 , then he plays Beginning of the End, destroying Dead Or Alive after all, along with the whole Environment. The new Scion then plays the increasingly-Obvious Futility of it all.
Guise 14: Jim doffs his Hat to heal one more time ; he’s now pretty much completely out of discard fodder.
Haka 14: Reduces damage, of course.
CR 14: Draws Neuro-Toxin Dart Thrower and Displaced Armory.
AZ 14: Removes the Futility.
Enviro 14: We don’t believe our eyes.
Villain 15: Hour of Reckoning enters play. Progeny’s innate deals 2 to CR , then he plays Time of Tribulations, then he plays The Inevitable, discards his deck, and again fails to quite kill CR .
Guise 15: Discards the Dart-Thrower to heal .
Haka 15: Of course.
CR 15: Draws Ranger’s Mark and Just Doin’ My Job.
AZ 15: Damage reduction.
Enviro 15: Everyone believes their eyes since there are no Attractions out (it occurs to me that the “fewer than 5 targets were damaged” clause might not actually work here, since no damage whatsoever occurred, but I’m assuming the card is indeed destroyed in this case). Carousel of Horror enters play, again when Progeny’s deck is empty; Unstable Midway and Just Doin’ My Job are discarded.
Villain 16: Wipes out all his remaining Scions. Reshuffling, plays Scion of the Storm; the entry damage is reduced to 0, and so is the base amount of his innate. Plays Hour of Reckoning x2.
Guise 16: CR is out of ways to heal, so Guise has him discard My Job to draw Eye On The Prize and Sudden Contract, leaving him with one card in his deck which I think must be the Bounty Board I’ve been waiting on forever.
Haka 16: Damage reduction.
CR 16: Draws his last card, which is indeed the Bounty Board; chooses not to draw again.
AZ 16: More damage reduction.
Enviro 16: Freak Show enters play; CR is even more helpless than he was, though not by much. Gone Without A Trace is the only discard.
Villain 17: Doubly destroys his only remaining Scion, then plays Time of Tribulations, so his innate punches through the -3 damage reduction for 2 points [CR 1 yet again]. Advanced text yet again plays Obvious Futility.
Guise 17: Unable to heal CR anymore, he decides to use his seldom-advisable middle ability, revealing Scion of Frost, Scion of Flame, and The Inevitable. None of these can be played without killing CR, so the match finally ends with Guise getting bored and tossing his glass-cased buddy to the villain’s mercy, presumably assuming that everything will work out okay in the sequel.