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Subject: Karl the Bone Lich rss

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Chris Tannhauser
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SCENE: A deep, dusty tomb. By torchlight, our Hero wedges a pry bar under a massive stone plug etched with ancient and inscrutable warning runes. He puts his back into it, shattering the plug and revealing the dread space beyond. He squeezes through, torch held high. Suddenly, a sumptuously robed skeleton jolts upright out of a crypt, turns the black pits of its unseeing eyeholes toward our Hero in a blood-freezing gaze, spreads its rickety arms wide with a hideously dry parchment rattle, and hisses—

HERO: Hey Karl.

KARL: Oh, hey. How’s it goin’?

HERO: Oh, you know. The usual.

KARL: Yeah, yeah. [sighs] I suppose you’re here for—

HERO: No other reason. Sorry.

KARL: Are you? Really?

HERO: [pause] No.

KARL: Yeah, I kinda figured.

HERO: [impatient] You know the drill—let’s do this.

KARL: [unbuttoning sumptuous robes] Hold your horses! There are only so many wearable clothes down here, and I’d rather not have my current ensemble get all torn or burned or... ? [looks expectantly at hero]

HERO: Torn and burned. I’m pretty much gonna one-shot you with “Before Combat” effects.

KARL: Jesus. Whatever happened to the good old days? You know, when we’d turn this into an all-day thing, me stalking you through the halls, telling you all the horrible things I was going to do to you between jump scares and desperate skirmishes? Those were the days. Now everyone’s in such a fucking hurry to level up. No respect for the dance.

HERO: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t respect you.

KARL: [folding robes and setting them aside] You know... I almost believe you. Okay, let’s do this. Just understand I gotta make it look good, you know? There are Dark Forces watching, and I got a rep to maintain.

HERO: [drawing flaming sword] Understood.

KARL: And leave my magic bracers where I can find them when you’re done. Also, not the face. Teeth are hard to come by these days.

HERO: [tilting head to crack neck] You got it. [pause] You’re really the best there is, Karl.

KARL: [pause] I really am, aren’t I?

Karl snaps fully erect, cackling as hell-spawned energies dance between his hoary finger bones and our Hero leaps aside, dodging the first bolt of searing death-magic. The camera pulls back, slithering rapidly away through the labyrinth, the yellow shimmer and orange firelight receding until we cut to black with a sound like a xylophone being kicked down a flight of stairs.
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Frank Franco
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You don't get that in 3rd edition!
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Andrei Filip
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HERO: Hey Karl.

KRAL: Actually, it's Kral.

KRAL:*muttering* Heroes nowadays. No fucking manners shake
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Mike Speck
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Well done with a full flavor of Runebound; good to know the game is alive for others and not just me and my group.

Whether it was intentional or not, the switch to Karl brought out more of the comedic undertones!
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Chris Tannhauser
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mikeytheflop wrote:
Whether it was intentional or not, the switch to Karl brought out more of the comedic undertones!

With only three life, Karl is pretty much just a very angry Halloween decoration. He's been "Karl the Bone Lich" since Day One!
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Delith Malistar
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Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
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I really like these. Do more!
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Matt Sturm
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HiveGod wrote:
I’m pretty much gonna one-shot you with “Before Combat” effects.


This made me sad. Poor fucking Karl. What an un-life.

Brilliant.
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Mike Speck
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Ooooo! Me next, pick me!

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Mike Speck
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Found this in some older Runebound lore, enjoy!

Runebound History, Excerpts from the Chronicles of Autorius of Greyhaven, Emeritus of History, Greyhaven University

“Kral claims to be immortal, and his detailed personal knowledge of the time before the Dragon Wars suggests his claims might be true. He is the master of the secret “shadow academy” – a loose cabal of dark magicians who teach and study the dark arts in the seedy corners of Greyhaven. Kral taught Vorakesh (and his fellow students) in exchange for a taste of their souls. Once Kral realized what Vorakesh was planning, he offered the necromancer his support. His motivations are his own, but he claims that he has been waiting for the day when Margath would return.”
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Chris Tannhauser
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Runebound History, Excerpts from the Chronicles of Autorius of Greyhaven’s Sixth Rank Assistant, Changer of Pots, Greyhaven University Adjunct Basement

“Karl claims to be immortal, and his detailed personal knowledge of the time before the Dragon Wars suggests his claims might be true. He is the master of the secret “shadow klub” – a loose cabal of ironic magicians who teach and study the snark arts in the seedy corners of Greyhaven. Karl taught Vorakesh (and his fellow students) in exchange for some chicken wire, papier mâché, and a sack of baby teeth. Once Karl realized what Vorakesh was planning, he offered the necromancer his support. His motivations are his own, but he claims that he has been waiting for the day when Margath would return, because that guy totally owes him money.”
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Josh
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Man, these modern times...

Back in my day, there was in inherent sense of respect to a Lich. If encountered by your average Joe Adventurer, a lich had a menu where death was the least bad option. You might of heard of molecular gastronomy? It was like that, except significantly more... visceral.
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Steve Shockley
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I was actually coming here to unsubscribe from the Runebound 2e forums, but this excellent and rib tickling piece of writing has convinced me to stay signed up. Bravo!
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