My wife loves to watch HGTV. She does not seem to grasp how agitated that channel makes me. "We want to remodel our garage, but we only have $80,000 so we'll need to be frugal."
Last night was all about the tiny homes. Yay. The people on all of the HGTV are just always terrible and only have a passing familiarity with realty. "I want a home I can tow with my Civic, but it's got to have room for my bikes (3 of them), a place for my home-brewing because that's so important to me and who doesn't love beer? *sad laugh* It can't feel cramped either." "Ron and Terry are medieval buffs and have no jobs to speak of except to write novels they will never finish. They want to have more free time to spend with their newborn so they want a tiny house with an entertainment center, dedicated work space, separate sleeping areas and a bathtub."
Rarely have I hated people on TV more. I would rather spend an evening with the guy from Saw than listen to these dumb asses whine about how "small it feels." It's a tiny home, dipshit. It's literally in the name of the show you agreed to be on. No, you can't fit an entertainment center in a 300 sq-foot house. Sorry, your 55-inch plasma will have to find a new home.
The best one was the guy with about $12 to build his house because "I just don't want to have to work. I want to spend more time on what's important like bicycles." They were literally showing him models with buckets instead of toilets. I can imagine that life: stomach flu and a 2am wake up call for an emergency blowout. Shimmy along your loft because it's only about 24" tall until you get to the ladder that will be so damned fun to try to climb in the dark while the devil himself is calling. Then explode violently into a bucket about the size of a chicken bucket from KFC. Then try to deal with that cleanup without vomiting all over the rest of your tiny home.
Listen, I get the tiny home thing, I do. But Do you really want two full-grown adults and a newborn in one? What's more do you want two adults and a teenager in one? There aren't even any doors for her to slam! Just accept that being high as a kite most of the day isn't a valid career path and find something that you can afford that actually makes sense for children!
Gah! HGTV makes me so angry!! I need to watch something with explosions to calm down.
Yeah, I've been there. The only thing holding my brain in while my wife watches those shows is the fact that they are more fake than real. I still lose my shit when they say "....and I have room to host!" NO just no. I don't know what would be worse, the person actually thinks that or that a writer of the show thinks that BS is even worth trying to get away with.
"This is a really weird game, and you’ll find that most people will not want to play this."
The only thing holding my brain in while my wife watches those shows is the fact that they are more fake than real.
Exactly. HGTV purposely creates home-improvement personality archetypes so you have someone to root for and against. The dumb vacuous ladies who go "house hunting" and say obnoxious things like "We can't buy this house, the closet door is off the track!" while the archetype of the poor, put-upon husband/boyfriend stands dutifully by with the sad look on his face. That stuff is scripted & planned and those people have already decided on whether or not to buy a house & where. The rest is theater.
Bringing you quality product in the face of crushing indifference since 1970.
I wrote this in 2010, before the tiny house thing. I also hate the people on HGTV.
An open letter to owners of homes featured on HGTV or DIY network shows:
Dear Lucky-to-be-so-well-off people, For the most part I enjoy watching your houses featured on television. It helps me get good design ideas, and sometimes steers me clear of bad decisions that you have made. Kitchen renovations are of particular interest to me, so I like to watch those the best. After a long day at work, I like to mix up a Cosmo in my desperately out-of-date scullery, then retire to the living room for a video tour of your granite slathered, $70,000 ultra-modern kitchen. You talk about how the glass tile was "a choice," and how the granite island that seats six is, "really useful." You show me your garage-sized pantry, with built in wine cellar, made of bricks brought from a 400 year old French villa that you stayed near on your honeymoon. Eventually you get around to the stove, and this is when every single one of you says the same stupid thing. You point out the $6,800 stainless steel, industrial 6 burner cook-top with double oven and say, "We really like to cook, and we entertain a lot..."
OH GOD! Just shut the fuck up! Look! I really like to cook and my wife and I entertain a bit as well. I also have two children, so food is being made everyday no matter what! Our stove is a freestanding, normal width frigidaire with 5 burners and a convection fan in the oven. It cost 1/20th of what that professional restaurant model you have did, and it cooks, boils, bakes, fries, roasts and broils everything that I can throw at it. It's a fantastic tool.
Professional cook-tops and stoves are engineered to cook all day, everyday. From early morning till the restaurant closes, these tools have to be in top working order. If I demanded this much from my Frigidaire, I'm sure it would not last more than a couple years. Your Wolf would be up to the task I'm sure, but that's a lot of entertaining, and you will have to quit your job so that you may pursue that profound 'like' of cooking. So can we agree that your chosen cooking appliance is a bit much? I hope so.
Perhaps you say I'm just spiteful and jealous, and that I would have the same gleaming industrial stainless steel monuments to modern living in my humble kitchen, if I had the means to get them. You might be right. If I could afford these things, and it made sense for the house, there is a very good chance I would own them too. The difference, childless couple in Florida that both practice law, or middle aged gay couple outside of Cincinnati, between you and me is that if I was ever asked about the stove, I would say one of the following things:
"We are not planning on staying here and these things really pump-up the resale value."
"I really wanted the biggest, most bad-ass stove that I could fit into this room, because it looks great and will outlast the house by 60 years!"
and then continue...
"I mean would you look at that thing! 48 inches, 6 burners and a grill. It rocks so hard! NOTHING says 'kitchen domination' like that red-knobbed stainless steel box of awesome! Sometimes I just stand in front of it and hold up my lighter."
Seriously people, be honest with yourselves and tell the truth, I'll like you better at the end of the day. Anyway, I know that most of you are lying about liking to cook. How do I know you ask? Because if I spent $70,000 or more on a custom kitchen, and was being interviewed about it, I would only mention my enthusiasm for cooking while pointing out the shelves I installed for my COOKBOOKS, not my bad-ass stove.
I'm subscribing to this, not because I really care about Tiny Homes (I'm 6'5" so a tiny home for me is, ya know... a home). Nope, I'm subscribing because those 2 rants were stupendous and I'm hoping for a few encores!
Its reality TV. Its all mindless drivel with fake contrived drama. Stop watching it and hopefully that garbage will all go off the air. They put in crazy stoves like that because a sponsor gives them the stove hoping suckers at home will buy the thing. Convince your wife to play a board game with you instead.
Thank goodness my girlfriend isn't into that crap. She might be a keeper.
Haven't seen it in a while, but I remember I used to get agitated about the couples on there...
"Well, I own a small bicycle repair shop, and my wife is a schoolteacher for the local elementary, so our budget for the house is going to be pretty firm. We can't go a penny more than $600,000...." Seriously, do you also run a meth ring out of the basement? Or your wife moonlights as a jewel thief?
I've had to talk to my wife about the adjusted reality of those shows a couple of times, for fear of her getting her expectations too high for what I'm able to provide for her. (Or, maybe that really IS the standard, and I'm just doing this whole finance thing wrong!! You tell me, Chit Chat, are you reading this post in the comfy yet stylish couch in your sitting room in your tastefully decorated Victorianesque mansion?? On second thought, if you are, don't tell me - I'd only get irritated...)
Season 4, Episode 6 Tiny Sheepherder's Wagon Rebecca and Kendall push tiny to the extreme by giving up their traditional American home for an 84-square-foot tiny sheep wagon! It's a family affair as they're joined by Kendall's parents who come from a long line of sheepherders and wagon builders. Bare necessities are what this couple wants most, so no plumbing required for this teeny one-room space. They're not "sheepish" to admit that their friends are their biggest skeptics as they give it all up to follow their old-school American dream.
I hate most (ok, pretty much all) reality shows and these are some of the worst.
I saw one where the house hunters were shopping for...ISLANDS. "This one is a little above your budget, at $7.2 million." Maybe a bit of it is sour grapes, and a bit of it is just that any lifestyle that leads to statements like that is totally incomprehensible to me.
That said, it does help me appreciate the quite good cost of living where I live.
Oh wait, I do like one reality show - The Contenders.
Home and Garden TeleVision. Buying houses, selling houses, flipping houses, remodeling houses, remodeling beach houses, building treehouses, and other miscellaneous house-related shows.
We also have the DiY network, and there are one or two other third-tier channels.
The best (i.e., highest quality, least infuriating to watch) shows are crypto-Canadian. All Canadian cast, production, and locations, but they never admit it. (Although they drop hints, like: "since it's chilly 11 months out of the year, they'll need a nuclear reactor to keep the pipes from freezing.")
I heard a funny thing on the radio recently:
Host 1: What are you gonna do this weekend? Host 2: Me and Cheryl are going to watch HGTV and play that drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says "shiplap." Host 1: Let me know if you need a ride home from the emergency room.