Richard Blight
United Kingdom
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Chronicles of Gloomhaven, part 2: Solving your problems with brains and a flamethrower. (Spoilers for scenario 2.)

So I see that great lunk has been telling you ‘bout our exploits, eh? He's a funny one, ain't he? He acts so gruff and mean but I reckon he's a cutie under all those horns. Still, don't get me started about how he thinks he's the greatest warrior ever. And those “jokes”! Did you ever hear anything so, like, UNfunny?

But enough about him, what about me? He already told you my name, right? I'm Delice, the craftiest Tinkerer from here to the Misty Sea. OK, that’s not so far away right now. But when I've been to the other side of the world it'll be MUCH further.

I can't believe Victor missed out all the best bits of our trip into the Barrow. Like how I got through most of it without using my special targeting goggles, just for a bet. OK, he told you about my awesome ink bomb. But he didn't tell you about how I shouted out “EAT HOT LEAD-BASED INK, SCUMBAGS!!” as I threw it, did he? And he didn't say about how when we met the bandit chief and all those zombies, I jumped in front of Craggy and shouted -

OK, I got a bit ahead of myself there. Victor had just told you how we had killed the skeletons and the archers and found the map to the Arcane Library, right? Ah, he didn't mention where the map was to? That's SO like a Brute. Anyway, I tuck the map in my backpack and lead the way down the stairs. It was REALLY eerie down there. I mean, I'm used to the hairs standing up on the back of my neck, it comes as standard working with static electricity, but this was WIERD with a capital W.

Right at the bottom of the stairs are these four bandits with bows, with traps in front of them just waiting for us to stroll into them. Craggy whips up a tornado on their sorry asses and Victor does his leaping into action thing, but honestly! You remember the big lummox telling you about not killing all those bandits earlier on? This was even worse. He swishes around with his big sword and near cuts his own EAR off! Me, I'm cool and collected same as always. Out comes the hook gun (another one of my own inventions, by the way), and POW! One of the archers is dragged into his own trap and ends up reeling around like a dummy.

Still, the big brute did make up for his comedy incompetence. BAM! WHACK! goes his sword and two of the archers are dead. Then he whips out a dagger and slips it in the ribs of the one I stunned earlier. Three down, one to go. Before I can do anything Craggy elbows open the door and kicks the final bandit in the -

OUCH! Where was I, anyway? Oh yes, the DOOR! Behind it is this big room filled with sarcophagi. (That's the word for “lots of sarcophaguses”, by the way. Betcha didn't know that!) And behind one of them is a big bandit and two more archers. The bandit draws himself up to his full height and says - oh, something, I wasn't really listening. I was more worried about tweaking the valves on my napalm gun. He starts to move towards us but Victor rushes him and plants his sword hilt right in the bandit’s face. That would have been enough to fell a normal man but he just stands there and gives the brute as good as he got.

Me and Craggy run up and start pelting the archers. I'm not getting anywhere near that big bandit right now, he's gotta be three times my size! Then things get seriously trippy. The bandit's eyes go all funny, he pulls the lid off a sarcophagus and a skeleton crawls out! WHAT is going on there? Craggy’s not having any of that. (I think he's scared of skeletons. Just because he's made of rock doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings, you know.) Before you know it the ground heaves between him and the skelly and there's a big pile of earth in the way. Of course, this leaves Victor in the corner with the skeleton, the bandit and one of the archers. Boy, does HE not look happy.

He didn't have much to worry about. The bandit must have been scared ‘cos he ducks outta the way, runs over to a door and flings it open. There's a dark corridor behind it, and shambling towards us comes three ZOMBIES! Seriously! And there's three more doors - that's, like LOADS of zombies. I could see Victor trying to work out how many, and we’d still be there if he hadn't given up and just decided to kill the skeleton and archer in front of him. Meanwhile Craggy and me are keeping up fire on the bandit and he’s not looking so good now. He pulls open another tomb and out pops another skeleton. But the three zombies, the bandit, the remaining archer and the skeleton are all bunched up in the corner now and Craggy just lives for moments like this. He throws two boulders (WHERE does he pull those things from?) right in the middle of the lot of ‘em. He barks commands to us all. “Victor, flank from the right and draw the bandit chief’s attack! Delice, stay behind me and I will protect you from the undead hordes!”

I guess he forgot who’s really in charge here. I'm not having a rock man telling me what to do! Victor, dumb as a bag of rocks (so maybe that's why he listens to Craggy) steps up and wallops the bandit dead, but am I hiding at the back? No siree! It's time for my patent napalm thrower! Nozzles to wide - check! Pressure to maximum - double check! Zombies to dead - triple check!

We never did find out what was behind those other doors. I even used my patented Unlock-O-Matic but it was no use. We did find a map showing where to find some crypt or other though, and the stuff the Valrath wanted. She gave us some money for it too. Now - what to buy with it? Ideas, you guys?

Next on Chronicles of Gloomhaven: Episode 3!
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