Chris Tannhauser
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If you're gonna win Talisman, I recommend you do it like this:


Fig. 1 — Actual victory tableau.

It began as usual, with the Black Knight black-knighting himself into OP status with the Cataclysm Blade and the Orb of Knowledge while that hivemind pig-thing with the halfling "rider" (tethered by a 20-foot leathery umbilicus that disappears into its pants) scavenged a load of junk and an ever-cycling magic wand—and I, the luckless Barbarian, stumbled straight into a one-night stand with the Witch—


Fig. 2 — ”But baby, 'You're pretty good for a witch' is a compliment!”

—and BLAM toaded right out of the gate.

The game developed along those initial trajectories as the Black Knight breached the Portal of Power shockingly early, with the pig-thing close behind. The Barbarian, meanwhile, wandered the land pantsless and alone; then he met the Gnome and was briefly happy—until he started what he was told was a "relationship" with the Hag.

"You've changed, man," said the Gnome as he slid sideways into the woods, never to be seen again.

With the Black Knight on The Eternal Crown the game was pretty much sewn up—the first shot slapped the pig-thing into a hyperkinetic anatomy lesson that left a stained groove across three counties—so I wandered back over to the Witch, you know, to see if she was interested in one last roll "for old time's sake"—of course, trying to hook up with an ex while your current girlfriend is right there leads to all kinds of problems: everything from cigarette burns to testicular trauma to murder. Everybody got mad, people threw stuff and I got toaded again.

"This is not how Barbarian dies," I croaked.

But the Black Knight was having trouble with The Eternal Crown’s targeting system—instead of arcing away into the sky and over the horizon, the purple lighting was coming out the head-hole, illuminating his skeleton and making him dance impossible joint-cracking jigs.

All he could roll were ones—and the third time his teeth finallly caught fire and the scream in his throat popped like a cork as his entire gut-sack flashed to steam and blew out both ends in a trefoil geyser from his face and a double-pronged one out the breeches.

A deafening silence rolled across the land, broken only by... dripping... and the pop and ping of the Black Knight's superheated armor beginning to cool.

They turned to me then, the apoplectic ghosts of my rivals, and with hollow disbelief declared me victorious by default.

And so I came to know what was best in life:

To grasp the female at the base, to stay in amplexus for several days, and to fertilize the double string of small black eggs.
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Chris Tannhauser
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You meet the hivemind pig-thing on the road:


"Ahoy-hoy!" you shout, waving your right hand to show you are not currently gripping a grave-goad.

"Gree-tings, crippled mono-form," it belches from a fifth orifice.

Your hand reflexively seeks a hilt, as is right.
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Ron
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HiveGod wrote:


I want that one as a playable character! With a matching mini of course! meeple
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Brett Christensen
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Awesome report. So, the Knight was taking damage on rolls of one? Where is that lifted from, I want to use it.
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Chris Tannhauser
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mothertruckin wrote:
Awesome report. So, the Knight was taking damage on rolls of one? Where is that lifted from, I want to use it.

It's included in Cataclysm:


Just might be my favorite ending.
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Brett Christensen
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HiveGod wrote:
mothertruckin wrote:
Awesome report. So, the Knight was taking damage on rolls of one? Where is that lifted from, I want to use it.

It's included in Cataclysm:


Just might be my favorite ending.


Wow! That is what I'm talking about. Much better than the vanilla crown.

edit: I just noticed now that we are inside The Cataclysm forum. I hate how I'm always proving my wife right.
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Patrick Leder
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Can you spend fate on rolls for the crown?
 
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GreenM wrote:
Can you spend fate on rolls for the crown?

The default rules for Fate are basically "any die roll ever" so yes.
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Aaron Tubb
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The Eternal Crown ending is definitely one of the best, and much better than the standard Crown ending! It's fast and fun, but with some danger to the caster, which is great.
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Aarontu wrote:
The Eternal Crown ending is definitely one of the best, and much better than the standard Crown ending! It's fast and fun, but with some danger to the caster, which is great.


That is what I was going for!

Great report. Made me laugh. Sad Cataclysm didn't get much time in the wild, but glad it's going to get reprinted by Coiledspring games!
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Stephan Beal
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Samuel Bailey wrote:
Aarontu wrote:
The Eternal Crown ending is definitely one of the best, and much better than the standard Crown ending! It's fast and fun, but with some danger to the caster, which is great.


That is what I was going for!


i recommend giving Pandora's Box, from the Nether Realm expansion, a try. It's my default.
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