John Prewitt
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(I posted this in general gaming as well - thought it might be better suited here in hindsight).

Kind of a random question but in the last 2 years (since I started klonopin/clonazapam for panic disorder) I haven't really played board games. I used to order 3-5 a month and read the rulebooks the day I received the games and play them 3-5 times each that month. I could read ~100 page of rules in a day easily.

Fast forward two years and I think I have ~30 games I haven't played from Kickstarters. I've played maybe... five board games in the last 2 years. Before that it was every single day that I'd play. And I mean five games... once. So pretty much no board gaming for me.

Through these 2 years the only constant medication I've been on is klonopin 1mg - I tried like every antidepressant and other things for random conditions I won't bore you with but klonopin is the only constant and the only one I've stayed on.

Anyone else notice a severe lack of interest in gaming after starting a medication regime or simply starting a benzo (klonopin, xanax, valium, etc.)? I'm planning on tapering off slowly because I don't like the fact that it's nearly impossible for anything to hold my interest nowadays, especially something I loved such as board games (not to mention video games and reading are also very difficult now; I feel like my IQ dropped by 30 points since taking this stuff).

Sometimes I wonder if my interest's have just changed and/or I'm out of practice. I spent like 2 weeks trying to get the Nemo's War rules down (hated that game) when before I learned Mage Knight in a day. Today I forced myself to read Hoplomachus: Rise of Rome and played that and can tell it's my kind of game... IDK if I enjoyed the time really though. Which is quite frustrating. It's like the level needed for something to pique my interest has soared when before I could literally just play a board game (even a bad one) for 6 hours and be totally entertained doing so.

I'm personally very curious if anyone else has had this result with this particular hobby.
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David Jones
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I can't speak specifically to board games, but part of my "major depression crash" from about ten years ago resulted in my losing interest in just about everything I did. I use to run a website. I was huge comic strips fanatic. I was really big into music. Then suddenly one day I found that writing my HTML code was a chore, something as simple as taking 15 seconds to read a comic was also a chore, and I couldn't stand to listen to any music all and had to switch over to audio books and podcasts. Really it felt like my entire life was completely out of focus but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do that I would enjoy. I wasn't involved in board gaming at the time, so I can't really say if that would have been affected or not.

So one issue here is that part of depression is that the neural connections in your brain either stop functioning or do not work as effectively. If this is happening in the "happy" part of your brain, nothing is going to seem enjoyable, so there isn't necessarily a reason to think your problem is board game specific, unless this is only thing that you are having a problem with. Since you've mentioned difficulty reading game manuals, what about reading in general? What about computer games? Then the other issue here is, are games the only thing where you are noticing problems? If you are losing interest in other hobbies or entertainments or spending time with your friends, this is an indication of a more general problem and not something board game specific.

That said, its not unusual for me to change hobbies ever 5-7 years or so. Once I get to a certain point where I know "enough" about something in particular, I don't feel like putting the work needed to become an expert and it, so I move on to something else. I admit this is highly unlikely, but its possible that this isn't depression and you're just ready to move on to something new.

I was on klonopin for awhile. Its been so long since I was on the meds I can't remember what my reaction on it was, but for some reason I have a negative association with it. I want to say up front that I am not a naturalist or anti-corporate hippie, but really, if you can find a way to get over your depression without meds, you should. If you read the side effects of these drugs, some of them are insanely horrible. I've had several doctors admit to me that finding the right depression medicine for anyone is really a like playing roulette. You have to just keep trying until you find the right drug, so that doesn't really give me much faith in the science behind using this stuff. There was also a study that came out about two or three years ago showing that over 10% of patients who start a depression drug actually see their condition worsen. The best anti-depression programs are daily exercise, meditation, and use of a full spectrum lamp. Studies show both a higher success rate and a higher retention rate using these methods than with drugs. The hard part is that the same studies also show it takes about 6 months of continual use before you really see the results, so you have to commit to despite the initial lack of results. (That said, I'm not doctor and if your depression is severe enough, you may actually need the meds. Also, some people have amazing stories of stability and success using the drugs, but it really depends on the person and the drug. So check with your physician before quitting, but seriously, if you can get off of that stuff, you should.)
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John Prewitt
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I think I'm about 15 years into a major depression crash but it got a lot worse since we moved from CA to OR (clouds..). The panic attacks started in 2016 hence I started medication as I was in the ER like every other day and it was just too much. Board games are definitely not the only problem I have it's kind of everything. Like I said I feel like I have to push my stimulus level to really high levels to really feel anything, hence a minor drug and alcohol problem that has resolved since I quit the antidepressants actually. I run through hobbies in months typically though I've stuck with paintball, music, and video games my whole life. Most people have really bad problems with benzos and get addicted and abuse them. I don't personally "feel" them, except for the side effects and their intended use. I don't get "high" or euphoric. I know the side effects of almost all psychiatric meds are terrible, especially klonopin. I mean the two things I really DO need to do better are exercise/eat better, but the cycle is vicious because you never have energy so... you know how it is. I do plan on quitting klonopin during the next two months. Thanks for your response.
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David Jones
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Where in Oregon are you?

I'm in Wilsonville. I moved up here from Texas and, before that, Phoenix. Oddly, the summers here are just as bad as the winters. With sundown happening at 930PM and sunrise before 6AM, my body doesn't want to sleep or wakes up too soon, so I don't get enough sleep. Of course in winter, with only eight hours of light and constant cloud cover, you get the stereotypical "lack of sunlight" depression. Fall and Spring are the only times I feel "normal."

I think I've been on over a dozen meds. I finally quit about six or seven years ago because none of them were working in the long term. I understand what you mean about the vicious cycle though. For me the worst is diet. I hit comfort foods, espicially soda pop, when my depression gets bad. The best thing I've actually done was get a Headspace subscription. I feel much better when I am on it, but my personal bad habit is that when it starts working, I think I don't need it anymore and stop, and then the depression comes back and I have to muster up the determination to get back on it again. I think somewhere I have links to some free meditation MP3s online if you don't want to pay for a program. It would take a while to find though as my room is a bit disorganized right now.

The other thing I would say is that socialization really is important. Even if you don't feel like putting in the effort of learning a new game, show up at game day and play somebody else's game. Let them do the work of reading the manuals. But talking to people, even if it isn't about your depression, will still make you feel better. Get a Meetup account if you don't already have one. If you're burning out on games, see what other groups are in your area and maybe something will pique your interest.

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Xander Fulton
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79strat wrote:
I think I'm about 15 years into a major depression crash but it got a lot worse since we moved from CA to OR (clouds..)


?Maybe move somewhere sunnier, if that's your bag?

I'd been the exact opposite - from Ohio originally, having problems with motivation that lead to issues at work, and actually pretty bonkers Tourette's (not the language part that seems to be the assumed version, but just twitching that originally had diagnoses of some forms of epilepsy).

Turns out I just hate the sun. Moved to Oregon, from Portland and then to Astoria to get cloudier and cloudier, and started sleeping a LOT better and just feeling overall a lot happier overall. Some 14 years in the state, now, and basically nobody can even tell any symptoms of Tourette's, and mood is just generally vastly, vastly better - actually started doing work just for fun, getting published with some gaming material and all, even outside recognition at work I'd never had before. But it did take quite a LOT of travel to get to the spot in the country where I finally feel like I fit that solved things. (I mean, Ohio, Pennsylvania, the Carolinas, etc) Not every spot is the right spot for everyone - fortunately, it's a BIG country with quite varied climate, culture, food, entertainment, etc. (I mean, hell, even OREGON is stupidly large - the climate on the east side of the state is very little like the Willamette Valley or coast)
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davypi wrote:
Where in Oregon are you?

I'm in Wilsonville. I moved up here from Texas and, before that, Phoenix. Oddly, the summers here are just as bad as the winters. With sundown happening at 930PM and sunrise before 6AM, my body doesn't want to sleep or wakes up too soon, so I don't get enough sleep. Of course in winter, with only eight hours of light and constant cloud cover, you get the stereotypical "lack of sunlight" depression. Fall and Spring are the only times I feel "normal."

I think I've been on over a dozen meds. I finally quit about six or seven years ago because none of them were working in the long term. I understand what you mean about the vicious cycle though. For me the worst is diet. I hit comfort foods, espicially soda pop, when my depression gets bad. The best thing I've actually done was get a Headspace subscription. I feel much better when I am on it, but my personal bad habit is that when it starts working, I think I don't need it anymore and stop, and then the depression comes back and I have to muster up the determination to get back on it again. I think somewhere I have links to some free meditation MP3s online if you don't want to pay for a program. It would take a while to find though as my room is a bit disorganized right now.

The other thing I would say is that socialization really is important. Even if you don't feel like putting in the effort of learning a new game, show up at game day and play somebody else's game. Let them do the work of reading the manuals. But talking to people, even if it isn't about your depression, will still make you feel better. Get a Meetup account if you don't already have one. If you're burning out on games, see what other groups are in your area and maybe something will pique your interest.



I'm in Albany. My wife is from Sweet Home. We were kind of forced to move here because our landlord in Los Angeles kicked us out because he wanted another $1000 a month and we had nowhere to go so we moved up here and bought a house. I hate the damn weather here but the depression/panic was just as bad back in Los Angeles. I don't think I miss it alllll that much though I do need a visit back home. I couldn't sleep for like 6 months from the medication I was on.. just recently I started taking natural sleep supplements and oh my god they've been life saving as I actually sleep now. Of course then there's the allergies...

I just can't be bothered to stand up and cook. I gained like 70lbs from the medication, I went from 140 to 210 in 6 months (I needed some weight to be fair, Im 5'10) and am now at like 180 since quitting almost all the meds. I have not heard of Headspace. I used to be VERY into yoga, nowadays I don't exercise at all and only eat if my wife cooks or I eat fast food.

The socialization thing is conflicting. Back in LA I literally never socialized. When we moved here I was at the bar every day (had nothing else to do) and made a ton of "friends". They all turned out to be less than stellar. I started going to veteran clubs and guitar jams but it's mostly people who are older or wayyy older than me. Finding people in their late 20s in my area is very difficult and people my age are just generally a lot different than I am (old soul?). I'm a solo gamer, lol.

XanderF wrote:
79strat wrote:
I think I'm about 15 years into a major depression crash but it got a lot worse since we moved from CA to OR (clouds..)


?Maybe move somewhere sunnier, if that's your bag?

I'd been the exact opposite - from Ohio originally, having problems with motivation that lead to issues at work, and actually pretty bonkers Tourette's (not the language part that seems to be the assumed version, but just twitching that originally had diagnoses of some forms of epilepsy).

Turns out I just hate the sun. Moved to Oregon, from Portland and then to Astoria to get cloudier and cloudier, and started sleeping a LOT better and just feeling overall a lot happier overall. Some 14 years in the state, now, and basically nobody can even tell any symptoms of Tourette's, and mood is just generally vastly, vastly better - actually started doing work just for fun, getting published with some gaming material and all, even outside recognition at work I'd never had before. But it did take quite a LOT of travel to get to the spot in the country where I finally feel like I fit that solved things. (I mean, Ohio, Pennsylvania, the Carolinas, etc) Not every spot is the right spot for everyone - fortunately, it's a BIG country with quite varied climate, culture, food, entertainment, etc. (I mean, hell, even OREGON is stupidly large - the climate on the east side of the state is very little like the Willamette Valley or coast)


Like I said I thought it was just the sun at first but I think the problems were "just as bad" back home. I do miss the sun though but I don't think it'd help anything. I am very familiar with Astoria. I'm glad it has helped your symptoms that's very interesting.

Cringing Dragon wrote:
I can't speak from personal experience, but only as an observer of a member of my regular gaming group. I only learnt a bit after the fact that he was diagnosed as bipolar and put on lithium, and I gather that he was on other prescribed drugs at other times. Assuming that the diagnosis is correct, I suspect I may only have seen his normal and high and not his downs. Post-lithium he's more suppressed than I ever saw him pre-lithium. He used to be very enthusiastic about the games, and would get impatient if we were just sitting around talking and not playing. Maybe he just didn't come to the gaming sessions when he was on a down, but he was one of the most regular of the regulars and didn't miss many sessions.
...I'm using past tense here because he broke up with his girlfriend a little while back and, kind of by mutual agreement on their part, she kept playing with us and he didn't - we ran alternating weeks for a while there, but it didn't last long.
Quite a while before that break up his attention span and ability to focus on the game dropped noticeably. He had been one of the keenest of our gamers, but he started playing with his phone during games, and had to be nudged to take his turn. Leading up to the break up I think he may have only been playing at all for his girlfriend's sake.

It might not be that the drugs caused a loss of interest in gaming. It might be that gaming was a focus or coping mechanism that he didn't need any more when the drugs removed the need for the coping mechanism.


Well the standard treatment for bipolar is lamictal, lithium, and seroquel. I was on all 3 and thought they were helping a lot but it was at a time that things were going VERY good for me. It kind of just turned out that it was those outside factors making me happy not the medication - as soon as those factors changed the medication was worthless. Hence they diagnosed me and then undiagnosed me. Basically it was last summer and we just bought a house and moved in with our two best friends. Eventually living together we all started hating each other and they got kicked out one by one, but it was fun at first. Being on lithium itself I never noticed a difference - I do get "manic" but it's an OCD type of manic more-so than a bipolar type if that makes sense.

Thanks for responses everyone.
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79strat wrote:
The socialization thing is conflicting. Back in LA I literally never socialized. When we moved here I was at the bar every day (had nothing else to do) and made a ton of "friends". They all turned out to be less than stellar. I started going to veteran clubs and guitar jams but it's mostly people who are older or wayyy older than me. Finding people in their late 20s in my area is very difficult and people my age are just generally a lot different than I am (old soul?). I'm a solo gamer, lol.


I am also very introverted. I rarely go out unless its for a gaming group or something I've pre-planned with my friends. So in some sense I get it, but at the same time it also sounds like you are in a worse position than I've been in and I know better than to assume to know what someone else is going through. There is someone else in my main gaming group who, I think, is in a situation similar to yours. Gaming is typically the only time he gets out of the house. He has depression more than anxiety, but the core issue is that he has problems getting motivated and its a bit difficult at times to see his life just standing still. What is hard for me personally is that I know what he needs is something to push him into becoming more active, but 1) he's and adult and its not my place to tell him what to do and 2) the wrong kind of push can just make the situation worse. I don't really know the right way to approach that with him. So the best thing I think I say to you is to try to find something that motivates you and use that push yourself forward. Depression is more a lack of emotion than a sadness and you need to find something that will make you start feeling again. If games and music aren't doing it for you anymore, just start trying other things until you stumble into something you care about. I hate to sound cliche, but if there is some kind of volunteer work that interests you, that is a good way to get social and do something you care about.

I don't know that area of Oregon very well, but I would expect that OSU has a music department, so it might be easier to find jamming partners your age in Corvallis instead of Albany. Craigslist has a forum for the Corvallis/Albany area, so posting there might be a good way to try to locate local musicians. I'm sure the school has bulletin boards and similar ways of making connections. I know the U also has a board game club and there is a gaming community in that area, although it is pretty small. I was down there in April for Just A Game Con and had an OK time.

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davypi wrote:
79strat wrote:
The socialization thing is conflicting. Back in LA I literally never socialized. When we moved here I was at the bar every day (had nothing else to do) and made a ton of "friends". They all turned out to be less than stellar. I started going to veteran clubs and guitar jams but it's mostly people who are older or wayyy older than me. Finding people in their late 20s in my area is very difficult and people my age are just generally a lot different than I am (old soul?). I'm a solo gamer, lol.


I am also very introverted. I rarely go out unless its for a gaming group or something I've pre-planned with my friends. So in some sense I get it, but at the same time it also sounds like you are in a worse position than I've been in and I know better than to assume to know what someone else is going through. There is someone else in my main gaming group who, I think, is in a situation similar to yours. Gaming is typically the only time he gets out of the house. He has depression more than anxiety, but the core issue is that he has problems getting motivated and its a bit difficult at times to see his life just standing still. What is hard for me personally is that I know what he needs is something to push him into becoming more active, but 1) he's and adult and its not my place to tell him what to do and 2) the wrong kind of push can just make the situation worse. I don't really know the right way to approach that with him. So the best thing I think I say to you is to try to find something that motivates you and use that push yourself forward. Depression is more a lack of emotion than a sadness and you need to find something that will make you start feeling again. If games and music aren't doing it for you anymore, just start trying other things until you stumble into something you care about. I hate to sound cliche, but if there is some kind of volunteer work that interests you, that is a good way to get social and do something you care about.

I don't know that area of Oregon very well, but I would expect that OSU has a music department, so it might be easier to find jamming partners your age in Corvallis instead of Albany. Craigslist has a forum for the Corvallis/Albany area, so posting there might be a good way to try to locate local musicians. I'm sure the school has bulletin boards and similar ways of making connections. I know the U also has a board game club and there is a gaming community in that area, although it is pretty small. I was down there in April for Just A Game Con and had an OK time.



The crappy thing about depression is you often don't care about anything. I've never felt compelled to volunteer for anything in the slightest. I've been all over Craigslist and Facebook for the area - met quite a few people - few things have worked sort of (musically) but generally not much.
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Xander Fulton
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79strat wrote:
XanderF wrote:
79strat wrote:
I think I'm about 15 years into a major depression crash but it got a lot worse since we moved from CA to OR (clouds..)


?Maybe move somewhere sunnier, if that's your bag?

I'd been the exact opposite - from Ohio originally, having problems with motivation that lead to issues at work, and actually pretty bonkers Tourette's (not the language part that seems to be the assumed version, but just twitching that originally had diagnoses of some forms of epilepsy).

Turns out I just hate the sun. Moved to Oregon, from Portland and then to Astoria to get cloudier and cloudier, and started sleeping a LOT better and just feeling overall a lot happier overall. Some 14 years in the state, now, and basically nobody can even tell any symptoms of Tourette's, and mood is just generally vastly, vastly better - actually started doing work just for fun, getting published with some gaming material and all, even outside recognition at work I'd never had before. But it did take quite a LOT of travel to get to the spot in the country where I finally feel like I fit that solved things. (I mean, Ohio, Pennsylvania, the Carolinas, etc) Not every spot is the right spot for everyone - fortunately, it's a BIG country with quite varied climate, culture, food, entertainment, etc. (I mean, hell, even OREGON is stupidly large - the climate on the east side of the state is very little like the Willamette Valley or coast)


Like I said I thought it was just the sun at first but I think the problems were "just as bad" back home. I do miss the sun though but I don't think it'd help anything. I am very familiar with Astoria. I'm glad it has helped your symptoms that's very interesting.


Eh, you might be surprised. Vitamin D production is a thing. My brother (back in Ohio, which *I* left because it was too sunny, heh) gets seasonal affective disorder over their winter months when any sort of extended darkness starts going on. He got a few of those sunlight lamp things for his house and office which he says helps a lot.

It's just different things needed by different people - he REALLY needs the sun, even if it's just the simulated effect from the lamps, and it makes a big difference for him. I'm quite the exact opposite, although I'm given to understand most people lean more his way than mine. And while California might be impossible to get back to due to pricing - there is quite the swath of sun-soaked states in the country. We've got a bunch of family down in Arizona and New Mexico, and it's pretty much...well, hell there, to my taste. laugh But they like it. And it is a LOT cheaper than California!
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I did end up buying vitamin whatever supplements for lack of sun exposure. Vitamin D I presume? I forget. We bought a house and racked up some debt - like $20,000 from 18 months. Kind of impressive actually, so I think we'll move when I get that paid off or I'll get used to it here. We actually spend way more money up here, probably because it's boring and we always wanna be out of the house wasting money lol.
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79strat wrote:
The crappy thing about depression is you often don't care about anything.


Trust me, I totally get this. This is what I call the evil Catch 22 of depression. You have to engage in things in order to get your brain to start making emotional connections again, but because your brain has taken those connections away from you, you don't feel like engaging in anything. I have plenty of days where I come home and just can't bring myself to do anything. Suddenly two hours have passed and I'll I've done is stared at the tele or re-read the same news articles. This hasn't happened in a long time, but when things are really bad, I can sit on the floor and stare and the carpet for an hour and do literally nothing. A lot of what I've read even talks about a "fake it till you make it" strategy. Sometimes you have to let your intellect override your depressive emotions and just force yourself to do things even if you feel don't like doing them, often for months, before they become enjoyable again. Mind you, I'm not saying any of this is fair, I'm just saying what is.

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I've never felt compelled to volunteer for anything in the slightest.


I hesitate to share my experience on this because for some people volunteering just isn't the right thing for them. But I do feel like sharing a personal story because its relevant. Growing up I absolutely hated sports. H-A-T-E-D them. For the most part I still do. I have a younger brother with Down's Syndrome. I certainly did some share of helping the family when he was growing up, but being 13 years older, I was busy trying to get through high school and college during his formative years. He has been in Special Olympics almost his whole life and Mom and Dad were coaches for most of the teams he was on. Making a long story short, my Dad eventually became to ill to coach and I stepped up and took over where he left off. Its was probably not the best reason to volunteer as it felt more like an obligation than something I actually wanted to do. Also, I still hate sports. Very seriously, I neither understand nor enjoy softball, and there are days when I leave practice absolutely hating the drills that we run our athletes through. But I have been coaching softball and basketball for a decade now and I have seen these athletes become more socially functional and gain self confidence and, outside my family, they are probably the most important people in my life. If, any time before I was 30, you had told me I would later become a sports coach, I would have taken you down to the looney bin and locked you up myself. But today, its hard to see my life without it. My point here, is that volunteering affects people in ways that they don't always expect and it isn't so much the activity you are doing as it is the time you are giving that matters. There is actually a fair amount of scientific evidence showing that, for most people, the most fulfilling path to happiness is to help other people.

Similar to what I've said before, its not really my place to push you into things that you really don't want to do. I spend a lot of time reading about depression and I can tell you what our current scientific understanding is. What you do with that information is your call. But ultimately "doing" is better than "not doing", even if you don't feel like it for months on end. If you knew me personally, you would be right to say there is some hypocrisy here. I certainly understand that its a struggle to do things when you simply can't find it within yourself to care about anything. Unfortunately I don't have any magic tips on how to get yourself moving. Its OK to take a break if you need it. Its OK to talk to somebody and vent about how boring and frustrating it all is. Its OK to give up whatever you are doing and try something different - in fact, its probably the best thing to do as you are more likely to stumble into something new you will "wake you up" again emotionally. But "not doing" is a guaranteed path to failure.
 
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davypi wrote:
79strat wrote:
The crappy thing about depression is you often don't care about anything.


Trust me, I totally get this. This is what I call the evil Catch 22 of depression. You have to engage in things in order to get your brain to start making emotional connections again, but because your brain has taken those connections away from you, you don't feel like engaging in anything. I have plenty of days where I come home and just can't bring myself to do anything. Suddenly two hours have passed and I'll I've done is stared at the tele or re-read the same news articles. This hasn't happened in a long time, but when things are really bad, I can sit on the floor and stare and the carpet for an hour and do literally nothing. A lot of what I've read even talks about a "fake it till you make it" strategy. Sometimes you have to let your intellect override your depressive emotions and just force yourself to do things even if you feel don't like doing them, often for months, before they become enjoyable again. Mind you, I'm not saying any of this is fair, I'm just saying what is.

Quote:
I've never felt compelled to volunteer for anything in the slightest.


I hesitate to share my experience on this because for some people volunteering just isn't the right thing for them. But I do feel like sharing a personal story because its relevant. Growing up I absolutely hated sports. H-A-T-E-D them. For the most part I still do. I have a younger brother with Down's Syndrome. I certainly did some share of helping the family when he was growing up, but being 13 years older, I was busy trying to get through high school and college during his formative years. He has been in Special Olympics almost his whole life and Mom and Dad were coaches for most of the teams he was on. Making a long story short, my Dad eventually became to ill to coach and I stepped up and took over where he left off. Its was probably not the best reason to volunteer as it felt more like an obligation than something I actually wanted to do. Also, I still hate sports. Very seriously, I neither understand nor enjoy softball, and there are days when I leave practice absolutely hating the drills that we run our athletes through. But I have been coaching softball and basketball for a decade now and I have seen these athletes become more socially functional and gain self confidence and, outside my family, they are probably the most important people in my life. If, any time before I was 30, you had told me I would later become a sports coach, I would have taken you down to the looney bin and locked you up myself. But today, its hard to see my life without it. My point here, is that volunteering affects people in ways that they don't always expect and it isn't so much the activity you are doing as it is the time you are giving that matters. There is actually a fair amount of scientific evidence showing that, for most people, the most fulfilling path to happiness is to help other people.

Similar to what I've said before, its not really my place to push you into things that you really don't want to do. I spend a lot of time reading about depression and I can tell you what our current scientific understanding is. What you do with that information is your call. But ultimately "doing" is better than "not doing", even if you don't feel like it for months on end. If you knew me personally, you would be right to say there is some hypocrisy here. I certainly understand that its a struggle to do things when you simply can't find it within yourself to care about anything. Unfortunately I don't have any magic tips on how to get yourself moving. Its OK to take a break if you need it. Its OK to talk to somebody and vent about how boring and frustrating it all is. Its OK to give up whatever you are doing and try something different - in fact, its probably the best thing to do as you are more likely to stumble into something new you will "wake you up" again emotionally. But "not doing" is a guaranteed path to failure.


Catch 22 indeed. Though I've never been the volunteer type. I used to sit on the carpet for hours staring at the ceiling when I started klonopin, lol. The thing is I don't have to work because I'm a disabled veteran and make an income from that... so "retiring" at such a young age is kind of weird/hard. In hindsight of my life though I've never particularly enjoyed anything - I've been depressed/anxious since I was a child (long story) but it all kind of culminated last year in panic disorder and being prescribed tons of meds and alcoholism and drug use. Was a... bad year. I care for animals and have volunteered to help animals before but I adopted a diabetic/hyperthyroid/generally super fucked up cat who I volunteer enough of my time with at home so IDK that fills "that" need I guess, lol. In my profile it says "she's a handful, but worth it" which is still true. I'm sure helping people is good for some people... but people like me (hate to say it) generally "hate" people. Which is true. I don't think I've ever had a good/close friend, I've been alone since I was born. I've been married 8 years and she's my only real friend I've ever had. This has mostly turned into me discussing myself and my problems and I think my best course of action is to quit the benzo (klonopin) and probably start working again (which is truthfully kind of scary, it's been about 4 years since I worked) - but I think that would fill up a lot of the time/void of my life. I quit my last job (as an electrician) to finish my masters degree and haven't done anything since, because I simply haven't needed to (I make more now then I ever have, doing nothing, sad but true). I did play the most board games when I was unemployed though - when I worked I just smoked weed all the time because being an electrician is hard ass work and I just wanted to relax. Nowadays all the drug use (much harder things than weed) and alcohol is pretty much behind me because I simply got bored of it. Thx for your post, I do agree with the "not doing" thing... that seems to be the most dangerous/poisonous option.
 
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Greece
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1. Depression causes lack of interest.
2. Some antidepressants (like your ones) cause lack of interest.
3. Doing the same thing over and over again, causes lack of interest.
4. Having lots of free time while depressed, only worsens the symptoms (ie lack of interest).

In other words, you need to make some changes or else things will remain as they are no matter the pills. Re-wire and motivate yourself.
The learning 'barrier' is a result of you continuously trying to block out certain thoughts. Thoughts that you end up making more, while trying to forget them.
Buying lots of toys/games can fill the void but only for a very short amount of time.. The more you have, the more uninteresting they become.
Keep yourself busy by working (even in a part time job!), exercising (however you can) and buy less stuff. Eat healthy and gradually stop using those meds (AFTER and IF your doctor agrees).
Changes can be scary but without them you cannot evolve.
Then, with less time left in your day to do negative thoughts and new activities to keep you motivated, some things will become more meaningful again!
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John Prewitt
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I actually screenshot that because that's all part of the plan it's just I gotta execute. Thanks.
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79strat wrote:
I actually screenshot that because that's all part of the plan it's just I gotta execute. Thanks.

Great! Best of luck!
 
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