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Subject: "Please!! No more wives in my game store!" He cried. rss

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As a man with a long history of both having wives and running a game store, I thought I would relate to the mostly male BGG members a couple of the more memorable incidents that involved the horrible decision many men make when they take their "little woman" into a game store.

My reasoning is simple... way too many of you men have some death-wish thingie happening where you think you'll somehow improve your life by bringing your wife (or whatever you call your main squeeze) into a game store. What a moronic conclusion to come to. How in the world will that help? Do you also take her into the locker room after you work out... so she can meet the guys and smell the putrid aroma of male sweat, jock straps, soggy Nikes and that foot smell that reminds us all of GenCon? Do you invite her along to shoot some 9-ball, have a few beers, fart and tell hoo-ha jokes with your gang?

I thought not.

She's at least smart enough to not invite you to her scrap-booking confabs, or demand you watch "This Old House" on Tivo with her clutch of fellow hens. She doesn't take you down to meet the girls at the Macy's make-up counter does she? I thought not. Well, read on and hopefully learn a few things. Game Stores are just not the kind of places that are healthy for a good relationship with your non-gaming wife.....

_______________________________________

Garrison was a guy I'd known for about a year. I knew he was hen-pecked about his love of 40K because he sometimes mentioned having to get cash before he came into the store to buy his weekly fix of Games Workshop crack. He was awfully nervous about buying too many things at once and would spread his purchases out, so, I suspected, he could sneak them into the house. Well, one day he got bold - which is another way of saying he got stupid - and brought the wifey into the store. Yuck. She was an attitude in high heels. Sneering, huffing, stomping back and forth while he frantically tried to concentrate on the new Eldar units and smiling in an ingratiating fashion at her... as if he expected her to slap him upside the head at any moment. The usual contingent of store-trolls took one look at her and veered off towards the back... where the Cheeto display and Mountain Dew were kept. A couple of them sniffed the air in her direction and grimaced at the stench her heavy perfume and leather accessories were emitting into the familiar cave-like smell of the store.

Finally Garrison made his selections and they approached the counter whereupon I smiled at her and in my most charming and debonair social veneer said, "Hi, you must be Garrison's wife, I'm DW." She looked at my offered hand as if I was asking her to shake off my choda after a long, satisfying, PBR-induced piss and replied, "Pffftt! I guess so. I just wanted to see what is so wonderful about all these little metal Barbies you boys play with."

I responded with an even larger smile but said nothing more to her, instead I finished ringing up the Eldar and said to Garrison, "That'll be $37.50."

She exploded, in a loud, screeching, kind of shrewish, grating tone, "What!!!! $37.50 for a few scraps of metal!!! What exactly is the scam here bucko! I had no idea Garrison was making your Mercedes payments with his little toy hobby."

Well, I'm normally nice enough to women, but this harpie was treading on thin ice with me now... a Mercedes? Hah! I owned a Porsche for Chrissakes! I looked her up and down and drolly replied, "I dunno lady, I figure you somehow managed to squeeze your ever-expanding butt into that dress, which probably cost about $300... and you still don't look thin to me... on top of which I can see you apply probably $15 a day in pancake make-up and eyeliner but every one of your pores still looks like a crater field on the moon and your eyes are still kinda tiny and piggish. Thirty-seven bucks seems pretty cheap to me if it keeps the guy you married happy."

Not suprisingly, she gave me the stink-eye and stomped out the door, glancing over her shoulder at a stunned Garrison and uttering, in a menacing tone, "I'll see you in the car."

All the trolls in the back of the room breathed an audible sigh of relief as she left. One guy farted and two of them started yelling in loud voices about whether a fighter-mage was a better character than a thief-cleric. I could tell they were content again.

"Well, "Garrison said, "that went well."

"Better than you think", I replied, "she's either gonna come around and cut you some slack or throw your gamer butt out the door. Either way you'll be a happier man."

Another story that sticks in my mind, as a cautionary tale about the dangers of allowing your women into the local game store, is the experience a gamer named Lenny had. It was shortly after MTG started becoming popular and Lenny was into the new CCG craze in a major way. It helped that Lenny had a great job because he was buying cards by the bucket loads. He confessed to me one day that his marraige wasn't going well and that his wife complained about all the time he spent playing Magic, sorting cards and trading. Perhaps, he wondered, he should get her involved... MTG is a game that women enjoy after all.

"It's your funeral Pal." Was all I said.

So the following week Lenny trots wifey through the door... she ain't half bad looking either. She glanced around, smiled coyly at me, said Thank You to every troll who lumbered over to tell her she was beautiful and reminded them of a Warrior Princess and even added a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew to Lenny's purchase of $900 worth of booster packs. I thought maybe she was okay.... until she cut a swath of financial destruction, sexual frustration and deviant MTG trading behaviour through the entire assemblage of drooling, unshaven, beer-bellied, greasy-haired semi-humans who were my bread and butter customers. She came to every MTG event and she traded with a lack of compassion that even I was suprised by. She wore low-cut blouses and wiggled her bootie when she walked among the heathens.... and it didn't hurt that the bootie she was wiggling was Class A and barely covered in exactly the kind of shorts you want your girlfriend to wear... but not your wife.

She teased, beckoned, soothed, suggested and ripped off pretty much everyone... the 13 year-old genius kid with an IQ of 200 and a social ineptitude that all but guaranteed many lonely nights of quiet desperation... the two Mountain Troll brothers who wore matching Beevis & Butthead t-shirts and never failed to help me move heavy objects when asked (even if the heavy objects were other trolls who had fallen asleep in a pool of spittle at the gaming tables)... the Goth freaks fell to her spell, even the one of indeterminate sexual gender who wore black skirts, lacy gloves and spoke in a baritone... the computer nerds were awash in a hormonal ebb and flow that they probably hadn't experienced since sneaking their Dad's copy of the SI swimsuit edition into their suitcase for the annual trip to NASA summer camp.

It was like Attila the Hunette had rampaged through Europe leaving nothing in her wake but a few bad MTG trades and a basket full of boners.

Finally, I took Lenny aside and told him, "Lenny, I think I'm gonna have to ban your sweet and charming little bride from the store. She's ruining my business. She snagged every Black Lotus opened in this store for the last month and I consider this place to be my claim. It kinda torques me when she gets to the Power Nine cards before I do. Besides which, my Porsche payments are pretty steep."

Lenny agreed. He had noticed that wherever Mrs. Lenny went there was a crowd that followed her around, panting like dogs in heat, shoving Mox Ruby's at her and asking if she had any Twiddles for trade. "I'll take care of it tonight DW, she probably doesn't even know the value of the cards or the effect she's having on those two Mountain Trolls that seem to have become her personal guards."

Poor Lenny. As it turned out, she not only knew the value of the cards, she had been covertly amassing a stack of three-ring binders with page after page of the most expensive cards in the game. When Lenny broached the subject she cackled evily, opened her briefcase and flung divorce papers at him. She left... that night... with nothing but a shoulder bag, a pair of very attractive hot pants (matched with a tight tube top) and a briefcase with $150,000 worth of rare MTG cards.

Epilog

After Garrison's wife stomped out of my store I didn't see him for almost a year. Then, one bright sunny day he walked in. He was arm in arm with a very attractive young brunette dressed in a white t-shirt, faded levis and a beautiful smile. As they wandered over to the Eldar I heard her say, "Those are really nicely done miniatures Garrison." "You think?", he asked. "Yes, I really like the fact you have your own hobbies, it was nice of you to bring me here."

I never saw her again, but as the years passed Garrison brought in his young kids, took them to the Eldar display and told them, "That's what Daddy likes. Mommy will let you get any army you want so long as you don't ask her to play."

________________________

Lenny was devatstated by his wife leaving him and suing for divorce. When he realized how much the Magic cards she took were worth he was almost suicidal. But he was tough way down inside and he pulled himself up by his bootstraps and got mad. So mad, in fact, that he researched and wrote a book about gold-digging women, sexual abuse of men by the hot pants and tube top industry and the uplifiting story of how to avoid suicide when you realize you aren't going to get any nookie for a long, long time. The book was a best-seller and Lenny now does the college speaker tour at $10K a pop.

________________________

The Troll brothers and all their furry friends never seemed to change. They still farted, wheezed, stunk and bought t-shirts three sizes too small. I understand they not only don't age, but they don't actually die.... unless you burn them.




*edit* for a few of the spelling and grammar errors.

*edit #2* Sheesh! I can't believe I wrote t-shit instead of t-shirt. Even MS Word would have let that one slip by.
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Erik Nicely
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Classic.
 
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e h
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wow! if you would have said that to my wife i probally would have knocked you out.
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Marco Fuini
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bark40oz wrote:
wow! if you would have said that to my wife i probally would have knocked you out.


If he had said that to my wife, she would probably have knocked him out!

But my wife would not be rude enough to deserve it in the first place (or be able to knock anyone out, even if she tried!).

Great creative writing, by the way.
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Mike Compton
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DWTripp wrote:
Well, one day he got bold - which is another way of saying he got stupid...


True words DW...true words.

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Eugene Zehner
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Ya know, DW...you can't make this stuff up. I've spent the better part of my adult life in and around the gaming community and have seen similar hair straightening tales with the "gamers wife."

Fortunate enough to have a gaming family, I sit back with a smirk on my face when my daughter, who drips with personality, charms her way to another win against the teenage angst ridden cardfloppers or when my sweet, sweet wife drops another 150+ score on TTR against the Mountain Dew guzzling game clubbers. Aah, for a few social graces.

Take Care,

Gene Z



 
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Mike Compton
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(Warning: Opportunity for shameless braging about to be taken...)

For the record, my fiancee has been in my local game store a lot, knows most of my friends, and has played games with us. She likes Puerto Rico, Cartegena is one of her favorites, and she even has played and liked Die Macher for crying out loud!

Granted, gaming is not a full on hobby for her like it is for me but she enjoys it enough.

(...shameless bragging now concluded.)
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John So-And-So
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It's like Oscar the Grouch reading me Chaucer at bedtime.
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Robert Wesley
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bark40oz wrote:
wow! if you would have said that to my wife i probally would have knocked you out.
so states the "Big MAN on teh Intartubes"! surprise
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Ernesto Cabrera
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Gender wars in 5..4..3..
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Youri Janse
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So you're basically telling us to bring our wives to the stores and clubs, it's the ultimate test to see if you're going to be successful later on ?

Seems to me both cases got a good happy ending only because they brought their wives along.


I tested it, she's now hooked up on Carcassonne: The City, World of Warcraft and Railroad Tycoon, and even Doom. I can't get her to play a real confrontational game, although she will try out any game to see if she likes it.


Ow, and she paints my WFB Orcs rank-and-file for me occassionally.
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Rachel
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Clearly I'm one of the best wives in the world. I encourage my husband to buy stuff by saying things like "if it went out of print and you couldn't get it, you'd be really upset".

Proudly enabling my husband's gaming habit since 1996. laugh
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Got two game tables and a microphone
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Geosphere, where'd you go?
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bark40oz wrote:
wow! if you would have said that to my wife i probally would have knocked you out.

You can't knock out DW.
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Jason Cheng
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Now that's entertainment, and much funner to read, thanks for sharing.

Anyway, who dictated that shopping in a gaming store together is a must to get your SO interested in the hobby?
 
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Funny, here in Helsinki the oldest gaming store is Fantasiapelit (fantasy games), that traditionally has been selling RPG stuff. Lately, they have expanded their business to euro games and manga, and most of the folks in the store nowadays seem to be ... surprise, surprise ... teenage girls standing in front of the manga shelfs.
 
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Jim Patterson
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Oh, man. That hurt so good. Hopefully having given Paul's thread the thumbs-up earlier will keep my karma in balance.
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Dwayne Hendrickson
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Simon Mueller wrote:
bark40oz wrote:
wow! if you would have said that to my wife i probally would have knocked you out.

You can't knock out DW.


because Chuck Norris tongue waxes DW's Porsche!
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sifu-uk wrote:
Clearly I'm one of the best wives in the world. I encourage my husband to buy stuff by saying things like "if it went out of print and you couldn't get it, you'd be really upset".

Proudly enabling my husband's gaming habit since 1996. laugh

My SO does something similar. When I tell her I'm interested in a game or considering a game purchase, she usually says something along the lines of: "Well, you want it, so go buy it. Just put it on your credit." laugh

Chris
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daveroswell wrote:
Geosphere, where'd you go?


Actually, somethings wrong.

He ran out of work yesterday.

His wife was in Stonybrook Hospital.

He isnt in today - and he should have been here an hour ago.

I dont know anything more.

Im not real good on your guys forum yet so I didnt know where to post personal stuff or if you guys do that.
 
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Sue Hemberger

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This is why online retailers are so important to the hobby. They let us chicks leave the Mountain Trolls in peace and still get our own game fixes (and/or buy the occasional present for our beloveds).
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Steve R Bullock
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Nice! Well done, although I feel it is a bit like a docu-drama; some items have been added to heighten interest. But that is good!

I took my wife to a small game convention last year- although not a huge mistake, I am happy to say our marriage survived the encounter with the black t-shirted dudes with beer bellies the size of small automobiles who, as she said, seemed more interested in the food they were eating than the game they were playing.

I will play it safe. I know I am a lucky man and now have a wife who has accepted my game hobby (does not LOVE it, but accepts it) and I will not jepordize it by taking her into a game store.

I would feel weird doing it, anyway. In addition to that there are no game stores within 60 miles so I only shop online.

Sorry DW, but at current gasoline prices there is no way I am driving a total of 120 miles to pick up a copy of DUST.
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Steve Severino
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DW wrote: "It was like Attila the Hunette had rampaged through Europe leaving nothing in her wake but a few bad MTG trades and a basket full of boners."

You, my man, are a genius who has missed his calling in life. You ought to be a professional WRITER.

Great stuff and thanks for making my morning. I'm still wiping away the tears of laughter.
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Richard Jackson

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Isn't it funny (and actually kind of sad) how easily the patrons of typical LFGS and game groups can be summed up? Not that we all fit that mold by any means!

My SO will usually let me do whatever I want when it comes to gaming. I have however made certain never to take her around the LFGS when an event is happening or on a busy day. It's simple really...

...As long as she sees me in my gaming goodness, but in a 'normal' environment (our house, with some of my closet-geek buddies) then she takes this as just kind of a geek thing, and no big deal. She and I even play games occasionally.

But, I think there is an important reason to keep your LFGS Game-self and your 'normal' game worlds seperated. A game-geek divided against himself (or herself!) cannot stand. Worlds collide. Calamity ensues. If she were to see me in my game-geek mode, as I rained down blows (literally) upon my opponent out of anger for being mana-screwed or the perpetually bad die rolls, then things would change. Maintaining the facade of a normal "day-walker" allows us all to slip in and out of society at will.

But it takes all kinds. Certainly wives and GFs are not the only ones that have a tendency to look down us. In all reality, the comfort we all have with ourselves, our hobbies and interests, just makes these types of people insecure about their own closet desires. Or at least I tell myself that so I can fall asleep at night.

Game on!
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SultanSevy wrote:
DW wrote: "It was like Attila the Hunette had rampaged through Europe leaving nothing in her wake but a few bad MTG trades and a basket full of boners."

You, my man, are a genius who has missed his calling in life. You ought to be a professional WRITER.

Great stuff and thanks for making my morning. I'm still wiping away the tears of laughter.


Thanks Steve, I noticed you corrected even more of my spelling errors.

Thanks also to anyone else who enjoyed the little snapshots of game store life... even that guy who wants to knock me out .

Geosphere caused this anyway. I was settled in last night with my TIVO control and a fresh 12-pack of Coors Light when something came onscreen that made me flash to Paul's tale of the WWII vet and I started chuckling. Well, strong alchohol like Coors Light lowers inhibitions and I began to reminesce (would one of you spelling Nazi's correct that last word for me?) about the old days. Before too long I got to thinking of Lenny and Garrison and decided somebody had to respond to Paul's harsh portrayal of game stores.

Speaking of Paul... I saw that his co-worker added an alarming note to the thread. Hopefully all is well for him and his family. I'm beaming positive waves all the way to Long Island.
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