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Subject: I really don't remember the film going like this rss

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Nick Reed
United Kingdom
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Having smuggled the prophesised baby, Elora Danan, out from under the evil Queen Bavmorda's nose, Midwife Mary makes a mad dash across the land to try and find somewhere to hide the child. Briefly considering making a small basket to float the child away downriver, to maybe be discovered by some noble Nelwyn, she quickly dismisses the idea - far too risky - instead, she decides "Where would be the last place the Queen would look for such an important child?" Well, the obvious answer is: stuffed into a crow's cage with some complete nutter she's never seen before! Applauding herself for her decision, she then flees the scene and gets eaten by a dog. Or something. I dunno.


The following day, Willow sets off to join in with the festivities at the Nelwyn Village, blissfully unaware of the troubles that will beset him. On his way there he stumbles across what can only be some kind of magic wand! And it seems to have the name "Cherlindrea" inscribed on it. However, despite this seeming a fantastic find, something is in the air that day, and Willow loses all his magical abilities, pitiful though they were to begin with. Even his popular pig trick fails at the local festival, with a huge bear appearing seemingly out of nowhere, which tries to maul him before it lumbers off into the woods. This is the start of a very bad week for Willow where every day brings creatures popping out of nowhere to try and kill him. The Nelwyn council tries to banish him, fearing for their own safety, but Willow mutters something about not being able to move after fighting, which the High Aldwin of the village reluctantly admits is true.


Miles away, General Airk has heard news that an old friend of his, Madmartigan, has been imprisoned in a crow's cage not too far away. Okay, Madmartigan isn't the most trustworthy person in the world, but he doesn't deserve that. Dragging the Galladoorn army along with him, he sets off up the road to free his buddy from the caged prison. The reunion celebration is cut short however when they hear word that the evil Nockmaar Army is on the move. Queen Bavmorda's daughter, Sorsha, has grabbed the last horse from the Nockmaar stables and is bearing down towards them whilst General Kael and the Army lumbers along slowly behind. Cutting the reunion short, Airk declares his intention to stop the General if he can and bids farewell to Madmartigan, who decides he's going to head on over to Cherlindrea's Forest. He's been meaning to go there for quite some time, and the forest flowers are supposed to be in bloom this time of year, so it seems a perfect time to go take a wandering holiday. Maybe he'll find some blackroot for the baby too.


Meandering his way over to Cherlindrea's Forest, Madmartigan spends several days worrying about how he'll find the rumoured hidden grove inside which contains a great treasure. It's supposed to be well guarded from trespassers. Fortunately, he encounters two small brownies, who introduce themselves as Franjean and Rool. Not having heard much of what's happening in the outside world, they've fortunately just been idling around, drinking beer. And look, this hulking great Daikini seems to be carrying a baby in his arms. What could possibly be the harm in letting him in to find The Sceptre Of Tir Asleen? None, that they can see. He seems trustworthy enough. And on top of that, Cherlindrea herself appears to Madmartigan and lets him know that if he were to head on over to Fin Raziel's Island he will find Fin Raz--- oh, no, wait, she's not there. There's a sword there though. That might be useful, right? Unfortunately they also learn that that annoying woman, Sorsha, is headed their way. Fortunately the trees seem to have slowed down her horse briefly, but a quick escape is needed, so the three strike out towards the aforementioned Fin Raz--- Sword Island.


With Sorsha horsing about in the forests, General Kael decides to bring his Army to bear on the goody-two-shoes Galladoorn Army. Unfortunately, General Kael has picked up quite a bit of help on his way from Nockmaar Castle and when the two armies clash the result is rather a foregone conclusion. The struggle is prolonged, but eventually the Galladoorn Army is routed, and Kael pummels their leader, Airk, into the ground. Amid the bloody mess, however, there appears to be no sign of any children, and so the General, through the benefit of some miraculous time manipulation device he's found, decides to randomly head on over to that pesky Nelwyn village. Okay, sure, no midwife in her right mind would have set a baby adrift down a river to be randomly picked up there, or anything, but those Nelwyn - always with their pesky pig tricks. He hates them so much! Willow, still pinned in the village, had his bad luck continue as one of the other farmers left the village's front gate wide open. And they thought dogs and bears were bad! Every Nelwyn is the village is slaughtered and when Willow's battered form is brought before the General it's clear that he doesn't have the child either. It's got to be with one of those annoying people Sorsha is chasing then. But they're miles away and there's no way the General is going to be able to get--- wait a moment! Is that a stable full of Pegasi over there? Enough for the general, his minions, and the entire Nockmaar Army? It sure looks like it. What the heck are the Nelwyn doing with those!?! Never mind - requisitioning them, General Kael rubs his hands in glee.


Despite a mad dashed flee through the forest, Madmartigan and Franjean & Rool get caught by Sorsha on her horse. When a few witty comments are thrown between the Madmartigan and Sorsha, the two brownies, whose knowledge of Daikini relationships is rather limited, decide that romance is in the air. So, throwing some Dust Of Broken Hearts into the air, they try to stop the bickering. Unfortunately, Sorsha seems rather unimpressed and, despite repeated attempts of Madmartigan's to persuade her that she could come over to their side, they only lose the angered woman when they take a conveniently found boat over to Sword Island, leaving Sorsha's horse floundering around at the far shore and striking off back up river to find the nearest bridge. Finding the sword there as promised, Madmartigan bids the brownies farewell when he finds a horse of his own back on dry land again, intending to head over to Tir Asleen, free it, and crown a new king and queen to stop Queen Bavmorda's rule. Unfortunately, General Kael has other plans and, having flown his entire army for a day and a night, he crushes Madmartigan flat as he lands a herd of Pegasi on him. Snatching the baby out the mud, he sets off back to Nockmaar Castle, with Sorsha joining him in hot pursuit when she finds a Pegasus of her own just stood around eating grass in the middle of nowhere. Laughing evilly, the two fly off into the sky - surely the Queen's plans will soon be complete!


Franjean & Rool meanwhile find an eagle to fly and with Madmartigan on foot now, and them on birdback, they set off in pursuit of the stolen baby. Unfortunately, the brownies' bird seem more interested in making diving attempts at Madmartigan's head, and so the two barely end up moving any faster than the stumbling Daikini beneath them. With Willow sobbing his lament at all his murdered friends, for reasons that he has no clue about, this only leaves General Airk to try and stop the evil pair from succeeding in their dastardly plans. Unfortunately, army-less, and horse-less, his bedraggled form wins no sympathy with the people he passes and so, when he finds himself at the gate of Nockmaar castle, he's alone and with no useful plans or strategy. And so, as he's coming up with a fabulous gopher-plan, a bolt of lightning strikes the top tower of Nockmaar Castle, and a child's scream is cut short.

Meanwhile, having decided to take a vacation over to a nearby Magic Spring in an attempt to turn herself back from being a Possum, the might sorceress Fin Raziel rolls her eyes and goes back to licking her paws. Idiots. What were they all thinking?
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