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Subject: The private log of Bill, the legitimate paranormal investigator rss

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Aaron Tubb
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*Log date: June 6, 2008*

After an unsuccessful hunt for alien-controlled vampire rabbits on the outskirts of town, I get a call from my secretary, Susan, about reports of "strange activity" in the nearby suburbs. It's nearly on the way back to my office, plus I have my trusty camera, stake, silver spoon, paper clip, snorkel, glow stick, and garlic with me, so I decide to go check it out.

That's me:


When I arrive at the neighborhood where the activity was reported, I stop my car in front of the one house that seems much spookier than the others, assuming it must be the source of trouble. I call Susan on my watch phone and ask, "OK, Susan, what's the news?"

"Bill, General Mills is threatening legal action if you don't stop..."

"We've been over this before, Susan! Count Chocula is a real vampire, and until I can prove it to the world, no child is safe!"

"This time, they're talking about Frankenberry." Sarah sighed.

"Frankenberry is a real, uh... franken- thing, it's obvious! Anyway, I was asking about the 'something strange in the neighborhood' thing."

"The address is 291 Elm, one of the neighbors reportedly said he saw a zombie."

"Zombies? Please, Susan, you know I only deal with real paranormal activity, not stupid hoaxes! Zombies!? Who could believe in such nonsense?"

"Would you just go check it out, Bill?"

With that, I decided it was up to me to reveal this hoax and put the minds of the citizens at ease. It was already 9:00 pm by the time I reached the suspicious house, which was surprisingly tidy and clean looking from the outside and not spooky at all, a couple houses down from where I was parked.

The front door was ajar, and swung open with a loud creak when I knocked. The foyer was empty and had a single door in the wall opposite the front door. I braced myself for any punk kids dressed up like zombies that might jump out and say "I would like to eat your brains! haha!" and put my hand on the doorknob. I pushed it open and entered what appeared to be a large bathroom that contained what apeared to be four zombies. They looked like zombies, real zombies. They smelled like real zombies. Their teeth really hurt I found out a couple seconds later.

I pressed my weight against the outside of the bathroom door and tried to catch my breath. That was a close call; I had somehow beat off the zombies and retreated back into the foyer. Susans voice blared from my watch, "Are you alright!? What happened?"

"They seem to be genuine zombies" I conceded. "I'm sure there's an explanation, though. They can't be really real. Houses that look a lot bigger on the outside than they do inside, though; that's worth looking into. Put that on my to-do list."

Suddenly, the wall to my left exploded open in a cloud of drywall and rotted wood and three more zombies came through, lunging at me. I somehow beat them off and scrambled through the hole they made in the wall. They scratched me up pretty good.

"Looks like I found a secret room, here." I told my secretary. "It feels evil. There's blood all over the floor, and some burned down candles, and a table with what looks like... a board game?"

"What, like Monopoly?" responded Susan.

"Um... I don't know. It looks like someone cut out some squares and cards and made their own game, kind of thing. Looks kind of like a house and some back yard area, maybe."

I took a photo with my watch-camera and texted it to Susan; it looked something like this:
(thanks to avyssaleos for the image)

"It feels evil. I think it may have something to do with all this. It definitely bodes..." I said.

"Bodes what?" replied Susan.

"Just bodes, like, in general... See what you can find out about it."

There was a red container of gasoline on the table, too, which I picked up without thinking. Looking around, I noticed that the wall was lined with shelves, and the shelves were full of... board games! All kinds of board games that I've never heard of. Some of the larger board games bore titles I had previously only associated with video games; others looked German or something. In my state of shock and awe, several zombies ambled into the room through it's regular doorway. I beat them with the gas canister, my foot, and a game I grabbed called Twilight Imperium, but they hurt me pretty bad. I gathered up the paper board game on the table, pocketed it, and then laid in fetal position underneath the table with my thumb in my mouth.

I don't know how long I was under the table, but just as I was getting to my happy place, Susan interrupted, "Bill! What are you doing!? You have to get up and destroy that game! The only way to dispel it's magic is to bury it in the graveyard behind that house! Before midnight! Or else!"

I asked how she was so sure about it, and she said she read it on some guy's blog. With a new sense of purpose, I picked myself up and went through the doorway, finding some kind of storage room. Knowing that I needed more than just a gas container to fight zombies, I searched for a more suitable weapon. Unfortunately, all I could find was a candle and a couple matches, which I used to light it. It looked like another dead end, but just as I was about to turn back, the wall in front of me started to break away and I could see famished-looking zombies behind it. I thought fast (I'm pretty proud of myself for this one) and poured the gasoline through the little gap they were making in the wall, all over the zombies. I then took the opportunity to take some pictures; this was a perfect opportunity and I wasn't going to leave this place without some good photos of real zombies. When the gap was big enough for a man to fit through, I threw the candle at them.

*FWOOSH* (or something like that) All three zombies burned like crazy flaming zombies and fell into a smoldering heap. Climbing through the hole, I found myself in a bedroom. In a fit of inspiration, I searched under the pillows and found a machete. That would come in handy. Leaving the bedroom, I found the kitchen, where I snacked a bit on some cheesecake and corn from the fridge. I felt a spark of hope; I was feeling much better than I was a few minutes ago. I walked out of the kitchen into the family room and found five zombies mesmerized by the television. I waited for the commercial break to end so I could see what show they were watching, but when one of them came over and scratched me on the arm, I ran back into the kitchen. I had seconds on the cheesecake and popped some frozen fish sticks into the microwave, as I was really starting to crave fish sticks for some reason. I entered the dinning room, next, and had to machete my way through a gang of four zombies. I could feel myself losing strength, and I knew that I had to move quickly. The microwave beeped, letting me know its contents were ready for consumption. I checked my watch; it was almost 11:00 already. Crap. I didn't have time to go back and eat the fish sticks.

I stepped out into the cool, night air. I couldn't see any graveyard, but it was dark, and there seemed to be something like a hedgerow maze back here. I ventured away from the house and stumbled on something. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was only a board with some nails sticking out. Moving right along, I came across a garden full of herbs and vegetables. I helped myself to a ripe tomato, which sent a pleasant surge of tomatoey-goodness down my whole body. Oh yes; that was a good tomato.

Leaving the garden, I unexpectedly found myself surrounded by six(!) zombies. Keeping my cool, I calmly turned around and knocked over two lawn chairs, banged my shin on a pink flamingo, and injured myself by trying to run through a hedge in my attempt to escape the gang of death. Picking myself up out of the dirt, I crawled over to the garden and grabbed something and ate it. I think it was catnip, but it still made me feel better. I certainly felt good enough to run in the opposite direction of those zombies. I reached a swing set and a slide, and got on the swing without thinking. I think it was the swing set or something; something definitely made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt like my very soul was not wanted there. I decided to make a note, "Evil swing sets, Susan. Make a note. Now, that graveyard has to be around here, somewhere..."

I continued on, knowing I must be getting close. I could smell blood; that boded of something, too. Not sure what it was, yet, though; probably something bad. After some more aimless wandering, I checked my watch and saw that it was already 11:47 pm! Crap, crap, crap.

"It's already 11:48! What the crap are you doing!?" yelled Susan from my wrist.

"I know! I still can't find it!" was my lame retort.

I then proceeded to meet and greet, and subsequently flee from, more zombies. I had nearly given up hope, when I finally came across a small graveyard with only a few graves and one empty pit. As I neared the pit, a group of four zombies attacked me from the darkness. That machete saved my life, and I hacked the zombies to bits with just enough time to bury that little game. As I dumped the little pieces of paper into the hole and covered it with dirt, I had this awful taste in my mouth, all the sudden, like I just bit into a just-removed sock worn by an athlete that has been running all day in just his socks in knee-deep manure with just a pinch of miracle whip.

"TATES! SO!! ...ICKY!!!" I cried out.

Susan started saying words or something, but I wasn't listening at this point. I think that experience nearly killed me. Wow, that would have been embarrassing; I can just imagine the forensic report: "cause of death: icky taste in mouth". Fortunately, I lived and the taste soon left me, mysteriously as it had come. I checked my watch, and it was precisely midnight.

I must have expected something really spectacular and showy to take place, because I remember being very disappointed that nothing seemed to happen. I eventually noticed that the destroyed zombies were gone; there was no trace of them at all.

Suddenly realizing that it was finally over, I said "We did it, Susan!", and we exchanged a couple weary "yay"s and stuff like that. Getting excited and taking out my camera, I said "Now, the skeptics will have to believe me! I have photographic evidence!"

Susan, just to be sure, asked "You didn't leave the lens cap on, again, did you?"

"..........GRAGH!!!!"

Susan tried to cheer me up, but I was pretty upset that I had got pretty beat up to save the world, or at least the neighborhood, and had nothing to show for it. Making my way back towards the house, I noticed that flames were roaring in a couple of the windows. Flashing lights in the distance indicated that a fire truck and/or ambulance were nearby. I saw a couple firemen axe down the back door and rush inside. A moment later, one of them said "Hey! Fish sticks!", to which another responded "Score!". Oh well. I guess I could always go out and buy fish sticks, but fish sticks taken from the fridge of an evil-zombie-infested house of evil were always so much tastier, for some reason.

mmmmm... fish sticks

*end of log*


EDIT: here is a scan of the game played. I played it on a piece of paper:
sorry for breaking the fouth wall, here.
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Jeremiah Lee
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Wow, this was fun.

I'm glad he didn't bash any zombies with Dune, or some other OOP classic.

I love session reports. Love'em love'em.
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tim Tim TIm TIM TIMMY!!
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That report rocked, thanks for sharing.

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Aaron Tubb
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Thanks for the comments! This is a fun little game!
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tim Tim TIm TIM TIMMY!!
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No No, thank You for the report, what a great style you chose, very enjoyable and readable, I will be looking for more of your session reports for sure.....................

And you have pictures, a level above my reports for sure.
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Eric Phillips
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"All three zombies burned like crazy flaming zombies"

Nice.
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Aaron Tubb
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I added a scan of the game to the original post. (I treated the second exit from the evil game room as a false door because it was at the edge of the paper)

Thanks for the compliments!
 
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Torin Hill
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Aarontu wrote:
That was a close call; I had somehow beat off the zombies


I nearly did a spit take on that one.
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