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Subject: The (full) story of Bruno, the villager rss

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Anders Olin
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Justice for the 96!
This is my way to describe a recent Agricola session, in the eyes of a young farmer called Bruno. It is not a usual session report as I only tell of the things that Bruno experiences.

It took SOME time to finish this off, hope you will enjoy!
Hello, my name is Bruno the Petty man (so my wife Hertha calls me). I want to share a story of what happened to my house some time ago.

We, survivors of the great plague, had decided to move to nice village to settle down near a nice village, in the middle of nowhere. Since we were (or are) very poor we just had two empty rooms (we had been told by ye olde priest that they don’t want to much ding-dong in the night, so we sleep in different rooms, me and my wife). When we came to the place I had seem some very interested things: a lake where we could fish, a forest where we could get wood and everything else you could need in a place where you wish to be alone (reed near the water, even traces of seed near the west side bank)
Let me, please, share the events that happened, to me Bruno, during these horrifying years.

We had just moved in and I was pretty pleased with my garden and being the religious guy I am, I kneeled down in prayer to thank the higher forces of the generous gifts I had received when I suddenly heard a voice in my head, booming: “Thy shall build thyself a farm and *I* shall reward thee if thy farm is good! Else thy shall feel shame and your pants become a wet place!” The voice disappeared and I was left in wondering. Seeing my house, I was wondering how this place could transform in to anything that could please this divine power. But since I had seen some resources I decided to head out and collect some, hopefully that could please the old man, I mean God.

But as I walked towards the forest I made a horror discovery: we were not alone!
- Halloo, I shouted.
- Go away, he responded.
- Isn’t there room for both of us, I asked in despair?
- No, it isn’t. No you go away, he shouted. And then I realized, the wood was not good enough for both of us. It was just too small.

I don’t know where they came from, but as I walked away I could see another house being built. It looked so awfully similar that I for a second thought that he had stolen mine, but luckily it wasn’t the case. Being down I fell on my knees and shouted to above: “Lord, help this stubborn man, show him the path on which he should walk!” Then again, the same voice boomed in my head, telling: “Thy shall become a schnapps distiller, thus provide food for yer future family, in hard times to come!” Being somewhat confused, when remembering some harsher statements in the Book about alcohol, I still happily accepted the offer and when home and learned the secrets in turning things in to that marvellous juice.

Later my wife returns, after how long I cannot tell since I drank a few bottles during exams, telling me that she has been out, ploughing fields. Or actually one field, but she says it was a pretty huge one.

I awake, and my wife is gone, “another stupid thing with living in separate bedrooms I mutter to myself”, but being encouraged by the last times actions I feel that I don’t need to go out today but instead kneeling in front of the Man again, awaiting His generous gifts and talents. But when I pray I just hear: “Today I am teaching another man, go away”, He shouts so hard that my teapot falls from the table (where a mysterious game called “Bonahnza” is being played). Disappointed by that I head to the woods, pretty afraid that I will encounter the stubborn man again, but to my relief I see that he’s by the lake collecting reed. So I enter the forest and get some pieces of wood. I return home, finding my wife there AND a sheep. I ask if she’s gone crazy and she mutters something about letting the sheep sleep in her room. Lucky sheep I think, and put the wood outside my hut and I start to wonder if Germany has forgotten to invent sex.

I awoke and again my wife was gone, missing, but at least the lamb was there. I started to fantasize about lamb chops but realized that we don’t own an oven or a fireplace. “Oh, cruel destiny” I cried, “why do you tempt in this way”, I cried! “Go out and get some clay, you lazy maggot”, the voice answered. Somewhat ashamed of my actions I started to move towards the place where I knew I had seen clay. But guess what, the stubborn man was there, once again showing me “the finger” and in sinister laughter saying that this clay-fond is not big enough for both of us. I threw myself to the ground, crying “LORD, the clay is empty, the oven is missing and the Lamb is alive!” The voice thundered once more: “Go to a holy place, and thy shall receive power to awaken early, thus being first to choose thy place the next morning!” I walked to the sacred place and I saw the holy pill, which should do marvellous things and as a bonus the Lord granted me to get a gift, a vegetable, which appeared in my pocket: “Go home and make schnapps when time is due”, the voice told me.
Home I went and to my surprised I saw the wife and a pile of Grain on the stairway. “Oh no, not food to the shitty old lamb” I though. But my wife said she had greater plans than that. I fell asleep dreaming about lamb chops.

I awoke early, thanks to my divine gift and I headed out to get the clay. But alas! The clay was few and I knew that this was not enough clay to even build the puniest of ovens. I therefore decided to go to the forest once more and to my surprise the forest had produced a surprisingly large amount of wood! I wasn’t sure if I could carry it all home, I could swear this was two times more than the last time I collected wood! Somehow I got all the wood, but as I was approaching my home I met my wife shouting and screaming, she had a hammer in her hand and was actively making…fences?! She shouted that she needed more wood and was more than happy to see me carrying this large amount. She made a huge pasture and to my huge disappointment she let that single sheep run loose! “What a waste of sheep…and wood…and hammer!” I thought.

Then a voice now speaking loudly across the village shouted out: “At the end of this day, thy shall feed thine family. Two foods for everyone. One is too little and three are too much (I don’t want any fat people around here).”

Then I realized we only had three foods! I asked the almighty:”What happens if the food supply is too puny and our stomachs not fed?” The answer came quick and my ears were deafened: “Then thy shall be called a beggar and I shall smite thee with an extra smite!” My knees were trembling and I thought that we would taste the wrath of the almighty…until I remembered my qualities in being a pro distiller. I transformed the vegetables in to so much liquor that me and my wife didn’t need any more food. “Thank you Lord for this brandy”, we prayed and as we emptied another bottle.

After some times I awoke, how long I had been sleeping on the floor I could not tell, but as I looked out I realized we were in a different season. I walked out, watching my wife still snoring on the floor, muttering about the fact that we don’t even own a kitchen. A bottle of schnapps was on the floor, “This is good enough for one piece of food”, I thought and then realized that we had not used the original food as well. We’re surly in paradise now and as I walked out things got even better, three pieces of wood left and some grain. “Lord, check out these resources”, I shouted happily. The voice answered: “I don’t like wood pieces and food, they are puny and worthless and will *NOT* be counted as Sacrifices at the judgement day. As for the grain, it’s puny and you are puny. Why are you wasting my time, you puny mortal anyway? Go and get me vegetables and cattles, aaah the sweet taste of these surly satisfies stomach divines.” Ooookey, I thought. (still hearing the voice mumbling of ala carte food), but where could I get vegetables and cattle? As far as I’m concerned they don’t appear in these woods.

I saw my wife walk away, holding a barrel of grain in her hand, saying she was going out planting some seed. Well, the grain was worthless in the eyes of the Lord, so better use it for something good. I then thought I would check out the clay again, and alas, the clay had multiplied, so I carried the clay home…just to see that the neighbour carrying some wood…again. “hehe”, I laugh that just half of what I received the other day, or was it the other season, anyways take a look at that puny pile of wood!

I return home with the clay and my wife reports that we should get a good harvest of the grain she had sowed. Life is good.

I awoke early but somehow someone had awoken even earlier! Because I heard some serious noises from the neighbour. “What on earth, is going on”, I thought to myself and went on a spying mission. Well, guess how surprised I was to see the neighbour building ANOTHER room. “Can you do that”, I thought. “you *CAN* do that”, the voice answered. But how I asked in awe? “Puny mortal, you need two reeds and five woods”, the voice answered again. I looked upon my three pieces of wood and the clay. “These are useless”, I cried, cursing my lack of luck and my wife’s lamb. After crying through two wooded walls of my neighbour’s new room I made up my mind and went out to get the recipe of a clay oven. Luckily only two clays were needed, although an exact replica could be bought for three clay. “How dumb is that?”, I thought and went home and built the oven. Welcome lamb I grinned…until I realized that it was not in singular mode anymore as I saw that now three lambs where roaming the fences…welcome to papa’s stomach I said to myself and fell asleep.

The master of gossips, also known as my wife, awoke me with the breaking news of the neighbour’s wife being pregnant and was going to give birth…in the forest?! “Why are they not giving birth in their home”, I asked. “Well, you cannot do that”, she replied. I sort of asked if she also want to get pregnant, but she replied that it just can’t happen due two to reasons:
1. We have no room for the baby
2. We can’t have sex now
No, I didn’t get any further explanation of the second point and was beginning to think if I should ask the Lord to polymorph me in to rabbit. She then commanded me to get some reed and then the hope was again lit. “I will do that my lady”, I said roaming away to collect a bunch of reed.

We went back home and I saw my wife had collected even more wood. And now I saw her plan. Let’s go and sleep I thought…but the thought was short and lacked power, since the voice exploded in the village once more:
“It’s time to feed thy family again. Two food for the mature one food for the small”, it shouted. “Am I small”, I asked looking at my schnapps filled belly. “Thy are not small enough!”, the voice replied and that’s how I got tinnitus. I called for the single schnapps and ate a food, my wife ate the other foods. Then I looked out of the window suddenly seeing that the Lamb was giving birth to another lamb and a barrel of grain appeared at our front door.
“Thank you Lord”, I mumbled. “This is puny, you are puny, your farm is puny and where are my cattles?!”, it replied.

My wife awoke me and ordered me to go and expand our house. As I started using my hammer I suddenly understood what this could mean, S-E-X! After all these years of despair I could suddenly get to enjoy what every man needs. Therefore my hammer was quick and the nails were many. After an age or two, the new was ready. I tried to use the same style as before, so it wouldn’t confuse any new inhabitants.

I did put a rose on my wife’s bed in order to get the romantic atmosphere ready.

I waited and waited…and to my chock my wife returns…WITH A BABY!
“How, could you?”, I screamed, ready to exchange her for a sheep. “It wasn’t me, it just happened!”, she replied and had *that* look that kind of forced me to believe her. But I couldn’t still get how a woman could get pregnant without ME, the world’s greatest lover. I asked the LORD, “what’s the meaning of this all, my wife comes home with a baby and I wasn’t, eh, with her producing?” “I have thought of new ways, He answered, “to skip filthy humans doing their filthy work. Muahahaha, no more sex for puny human Bruno”, the laughter was both heartbreaking and agonizing. And with tears I went to sleep, ignoring the shouts of the new born baby, which actually is named Brutus by my self-baby-producing-mannish-need-ignoring-stubborn-selfish-wife.

“We need to educate Brutus”, is the words I am awakened by. Brutus has somehow grown in to mature man in a mysterious way. Wasn’t he last night a baby, I mutter to myself. Then ignoring the paradoxes I agree that we need to turn this man in to a special man. But what can this Brutus become, we are left wondering for some time and then realize we just have to ask the big man again. “Dear old man, sitting on your cloud, what shall our Brutus become, to serve You (and more importantly), us throughout his years”, I whisper. “THY son is a wreck and I don’t find him beauty for my eyes, therefore thy shall take him to MY school and I shall teach him to ancient Chinese secrets of becoming a…”
*heavenly drum rolls*
“…Village Beauty, but I need a small sacrificial tribute in form of one food!”
“Do you accept grain?”
“You’re out of that sweet schnapps?”
“Dear Me!, I really need to send down more vegetables!”
We gave a food and send the boy to “school”, and realized that we could do with some more food so my went out looking for some. I planned to stay on the sofa and count sheep, but my wife disapproved with the argument that I would probably fall asleep before I had counted them all.
“Go out and plow a field, or else you won’t have anymore schnapps and…things…sort of…something”, she said. And as a good husband I am I went out and ploughed a field and even though they looked similar to my wife’s ploughed field I would swear that my was a lot better.

Then my son came home. And DEAR GOD, had he not transformed in to a transvestite? “What on earth has you been doing you lad?”, I shouted while looking at his bosoms, long hair and purple toenails.
“Nothing, I just went to collage and when I came back I was like this” he, she or shemale answered in a suspicious feminine voice.
My wife returned and also gave a suspicious look at Brutline as she nowadays was named.

The a loud bell dinged; “DING-DING-DONG”, “it’s food time!”, a well-known voice reminded us.
“Food again?, you gotta be kidding my most high divine power. Didn’t we just eat?”, I asked with such a convincing voice that probably would scare every god out there.
“Ye has not eaten in a long time, just take a look at your Son…daughter…thing. You haven’t eaten anything since that thing was born”, the voice boomed.
“But…”, I started to say, but after recalculating some numbers I understood he was right, we had not eaten anything…somehow…since Bruteline was born.
And all we now have is one vegetable, a grain, and some sheep.
“Aaaaah, sheeeeep”, I said while drooling and got a futuristic vision of a yellow bald man with four fingers.
We decided to send one of the sheep to the oven and once more use my alcoholic skills to feed us. Only this time I ate lamb while watching my family knock themselves out.
Life is grand.

I awoke and with a tingelin sensation I thought that all the business with Bruteline was just a horror nightmare, but as I went out I saw her dry her hair by the fireplace. "Dear God! The nightmare continues", I gasped while I looked at her with a grin. My wife brought me big news, a wildboar had been spotted in the woods and she thought that we could both expand the hut and cath the boar. Of course I was the man to catch the boar.

As i walked, after convincing bruteline to help her mother finding some more wood for the future fences, I heard a voice that echoed in my sock: "PUNY MORTAL!", it said.
"yes, big fatso", I replied.
*Lightning bolt from sky*
That's how I become impotent and lost my hair.
"Forgive me", I wept in tears.
"Ehum", it answered.
"I will give a schnapps", I tried.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES", it answered and continued:
"Know, that thy house is so puny it won't stand on judgement day! And see that the wildboar is single and no singles ever produce!", it told.
"But what can man do against such evil?", I asked.
"What the heck are you talking about? Go to the sacred spot, and thy shall awaken early bla bla bla and thy shall also notice another carrot in thy pocket!" it said.
Off I went to the familiar place and as the Lord said, another vegetable appeared again...! "Sweet zombie Nelson", I thought walking home in rejoice, planning big parties until i remembered that the old drunkard has claimed a share of my sweet juice.

"What a big pile of wood we have here", I heard myself whispering while trying to figure out a why to spend them. Then my wife stated that another room was needed, as quick as possible. She had already a pile of Reed and Wood ready, so she ordered my right away to start to build the hut.
"What are you going to do, when I am doing this slavery of work?"
"Shut you, up and learn to be a man and do a stable while you're at it!", she answered and went away with Bruteline.
I worked all day (or was it week or month) and totally forgot to check out with the BIG man during the day.
That seemlingly didn't please him so he send a tiny cloud, big enough to cover my head, and made it rain for 2 weeks.
The house was ready...and just in time for...ANOTHER baby?!
"Dear God, how can you do this to me!", I yelled!
"Shut up!", four voices answered, including the baby and the old man.

Then the strangest of sights: An old man appeared
"what is this", I asked.
"You have not enough food for your family", a thunderous voice answered.
"Shall he stay with us?!", I wondered, while looking at the begging-looking man.
"I can sleep with the sheep", it said.
"Very well." I said and went for bed..

"Today we need a larger stable", more animals are due. "We also need another field and a vegetable". My wife we're screaming out orders as usual.
"I can collect the vegetable", I shouted realizing that it SHOULD be the easiest of tasks.
"You do that", she said and off I went.
Well it took forever and two weeks before I found even the puniest of vegetables. I looked and looked, first in the forest then by the lake just to find it in newely discovered area just beside the place where the wildboars once roamed. Where did they go?
I went home with the vegetable and my wife placed it at beside the threshold, saying "we'll just that later".
With a dream of a well made schnapps I fell a sleep while counting our wildboars: "1...", well there wasn't many.

After another strange series of evens I found myself on my knees, praying:
"Dear God, the gods have been good to me and I am faithful. If you freeze everything as it is right know I will not bother you anymore. If that's OK, give me no sign."
"LOL". it answered, "changes are due" it continued.
I saw that we had both been sowing and plowing and it seems that Bruteline had done both things?
"How is it possible for you to do all that by yourself", I asked.
"I don't know, I was walking and suddenly I felt great power to all this in just one...something", she said,
"Great news, that must mean I can sit on the sofa and watch the sheep roam, I said to myself.
"No can do", my beloved wife said. Today you shall go after CLAY in large amounts!
Said and done I did that, finding surprisingly much of it.
I returned home and my wife told me she would start renovating all our huts at once. Said and done, at the end of the day we all lived in a nice CLAY hut, a dream and come true!
We are LAMBchops to celebrate and dream of a long life.
This day was strange. Hertha was pregnat again and was in a hectic mode, shouting out orders like a Pingvuin, when it tries to fly, with not much success.
I decided to take a walk and behold! A alone Cattle was in might sight, I started to drool and began dreaming about a great steak! I used my hypnotic skills and lured the cattle home, ready for the oven!
But my wife pointed out that it won't happen and guided the cattle to the fields, which many were now occupied by many things. I saw much grain, a few vegetables, sheep in count that made me dizzy and even a pair of Wildboars.
With a slight dissapoitment I sat down, ready to distill another vegetable to some Schnapps! But as I was going to do that I heard a heavenly voice whisper, oh what the heck, it was talking, no screaming, with a decibel of 140 and drowned a nearby concert held by Manowar, into my ears:
We did eat a couple of fishes and two sheep.
"Don't you want any food", I asked

"Don't worry about me old chap, I will come in to use later", it answer with a grin.
"Okey, dokey", it's your own fault I answered him.

We all ate and both the sheep and the wildboars did nature's magic.

I thought about going to sleep and looking forward to another new day, as our farm was looking pretty good but was interupted by that awful divine holy thunderous deafening voice again.

We were all confused by this. What did HE mean.
I was brave enough to ask, "Oh, dear lord of lords and kings of schnapps, what do you want us to do?"
"JUST FILL IN THIS LIST I SEND DOWN TO YE!", it answered. And down came a single papyrus scroll with empty boxes reading: "Fields, Pastures, Vegetables, Grain, Sheep, Wildboard, Cattle, Unused Space,Fenced Stable, Clay Hut Room, Stone Hut Room, Family members, Cards, Special Bonus cards" and a holy pencil which we should write down the correct number.
I tried to cheat by writing down that we owned 11 vegetables and that's why I am called "the peg-legged Bruno".
We wrote down our tally and it was something like this:
4 Fields
5 Pastures
3 Vegetables
4 Grain
3 Sheep
4 Wildboars
1 Cattle
2 Unused fances
1 Fenced Stable
4 Clay huts
0 Stone rooms
5 Family Members
0 Bonus points
1 Cards

We heard that our neighbour had 34 points, so we were anxious to see if we could beat him!
*a lot of heavenly calculations*
"HURRAY", I shouted with all the might a deaf, impotent, peg-legged man can do!
suddenly shouted.
"What about you, you old man", I answered.
"YEAH, WHAT ABOUT HIM?", the voice from high above replied?
"Read the holy book, page four", it said.
*Heavenly reading*
"THEN IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH", it answered and revealed that my old man granted me a penalty of a whopping three points, subtracting my tally to only 32!
"How can that be, after all the work I have done for this house?", I wondered. But since I knew that the AgriGod was full of mercy and grace I knew that he would bless us both mightily.

The last thing I saw was my neighbour experiencing the rapture in to the heavens to the sound of "HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HAAAAAALLEEEEEEELUJAH".

Then I recalled the wise words of Gola:
"You are the crappiest god ever!"
And thus ended the adventure of Bruno, a man no one will remember.
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Mike K
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Fairless Hills
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Gola would be proud. I think you just won 'Session Report of the Year' with this epic.

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Geoff Burkman
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And there weren't even any zombies!
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Simon Lundström
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Now who are these five?
Come, come, all children who love fairy tales.
I love this session report!

One minor language thing, though… as you revelled in old pronoun forms…
victoryzine wrote:
“Thy are not small enough!”

You'd want this to be "Thou art not small enough". "Thy" is "your" like in "your car" ('thy car'). (And if you want to write "yours", the form is "thine")
Not meaning to offend, just informing. The session report was fantastic!
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Anders Olin
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Justice for the 96!
Zimeon wrote:
I love this session report!

One minor language thing, though… as you revelled in old pronoun forms…
victoryzine wrote:
“Thy are not small enough!”

You'd want this to be "Thou art not small enough". "Thy" is "your" like in "your car" ('thy car'). (And if you want to write "yours", the form is "thine")
Not meaning to offend, just informing. The session report was fantastic!

Thank you sire, I am not skilled in the ancient language
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Gregory Curtis
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Best. Session. Report. Ever.

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