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Subject: Come play my game rss

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Wally Jones
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Windermere
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A few weeks ago some friends I were playing Vikings and making fun of the pieces. If you have ever played the game you will understand.

Then we started naming other things that bugged us in games. Apparently the same things bug most gamers.

Then we decided that it would be fun to make our own game featuring all the things we really do not like about gaming. It was hilarious. We laughed until we were in tears. This is what we came up with:



Box - The box will be at least twice as big as it needs to be. We must maximize the amount of shelf space it takes up. This thing will dwarf the Fantasy Flight big box, but only use about a third of the space inside it.

Box Art - The box art will have nothing to do with the game. If the game is a racing game lets put flowers and butterflies on the cover.

Theme - The theme will not be integrated into the game in any way. The theme will be pasted on at the last minute. We will randomly pick a theme that is currently very popular just to paste it on to help increase sales.

Insert - The insert will be totally non-functional. It will not have anywhere near enough slots to put everything in. And the pieces that do have slots will not fit anyway.

Direction - The rule book will be needlessly long. 80 pages at least, even though the rules could be explained in only 4 pages. Plus, the rules will be in 10 different languages each with their own 80 page rule book: Russian, Dutch, Spanish, Mongolian, French, German, Swahili, Portuguese, Chinese, and Sanskrit. If you want the English rules you will have to special order them. The English rule book is free, but shipping will be $34.95

English Rules - The rules will not be printed in black ink. Instead, they will be printed in some odd color, like light blue. Plus, they will be printed on a nice picture of clouds in the sky background so the light blue words totally disappear.

Central Building - The game will have some central monstrosity to build. Like the church in The Pillars of the Earth, only two feet tall and it will encompass must of the board. It will be really cool when it is finished, but ultimately has no value to the game what so ever.

First Player Piece - The game will have a marker to designate the first player even though the play will be in a continuous clockwise order so there is no actual first player. Furthermore, it will be the nicest piece in the game. All the other components will look like junk compared to this. In fact, it will be so nice that you will want to put it on the mantle and show it off. Go ahead and do that since you will not be using it in the game. A nice bust of Knizia's head works well for this.

Paper Money - The game will have toilet paper thin money. One ply. You could blow your nose with it if the need arose. The lowest amount of money a player could earn or spend in the game will be needlessly high, say $1000. But the money increments will be: $1, $5, $10, $20, $25, $50, $100, $250, $500 and $10,000.

Cards - These will be almost as thin as the paper money. Plus, they will be small. Really small. Thumbnail sized. No amount of quality control here. Plus these small cards will contain: a picture, flavor text, action icons, the card number, the conditions of when you can play the card, what you must say to the other player as you play the card, and where the card goes after it is played. If, and only if, their is any room left on the card we will describe what the card actually does. Furthermore, the cards must be separated into 5 different decks before play starts, but all the cards will have the same printed backs on them making it near impossible to separate them.

Cardboard Chits - Everyone loves cardboard pieces so this game will have no fewer than 1000 cardboard chits. Each player will have their own stack of 100 or so. But the die cutting will be really bad so they are hard to punch out and most of them tear.

Needless Cardboard Chits - Their will be an extra 200 cardboard chits that have no purpose at all. The 80 page non-English rule book will say nothing about them. Later, you will learn that they were for an expansion that never came out.

Meeples - Your choice of colors will be: Chartreuse, Sian, Magenta, Turquoise and Umber. Plus, all the meeples will be cut slightly wrong so they do not stand up correctly.

Wooden Pieces - The game will have 6 different resources all represented by wood cubes. Even though the resources are all different all the wood cubes will be the exact same size and shape. To further complicate this the different colors of the resources will be: Brown, Light Brown, Dark Brown, Tan, Beige and Tawny.

Dice - Each player will get 5 white d6. The game will require that all players roll all their dice at the same time and in a dice tower. Then try to figure out who rolled what. The winner of the dice roll will be the player that scored the highest roll, minus their lowest two dice, multiplied by the number of cards in hand, minus how many cardboard chits they have not yet played, plus the number of non-played meeples, divided by the amount of money they have. Once the winner of the dice roll is determined, whoever rings the bell first wins. Bell not included.

Scoring Track - The average score of the end game will be around 200 points. The scoring track will only go to 25. To rectify this the game will have multiple scoring tracks of different colors: Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Purple, White, Black and Orange. However, non of the tracks will not have any numeric value system what so ever. Instead, the value of each scoring track will be determined by blind auction at the end of the game.

Player Boards - Each player will have 3 different player boards, plus a player aid board, in addition to the main game board. Thus insuring this game will not fit on any table ever built. Player boards will be absolutely beautiful with very intricate artwork, but they will only be printed in 4 colors of yellow and green making it look like someone vomited on your game.

Playing Time - The box will say that the average play time is 60-90 minutes. You will never finish a game in under 5 hours.

Weight - The game will weigh at least 46 pounds.

Have fun playing.
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Wendell
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Are you taking orders?

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Jonny Lawless
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Your game needs to come complete with someone that stands around asking, "Is this like Risk?"
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Morgan Dennis
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Make sure you include an play book with examples that contradict the rules.

Also, see if you could get it made in the factory that produced Duel in the Dark or Blood Feud in New York, because they make such a pleasant smelling product.

Oh, and be certain to market the game as a "Military Strategy Game" so we can argue about whether it's a wargame. That's always fun.
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Aaron Brooks
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Add in a mechanic so that it is impossible to plan your move until it is actually your turn. No thinking ahead so that you are ready by the time it is actually your turn.
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(The Artist formerly known as) Arnest R
Germany
Munich
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The game box needs shaped as a hemisphere and its expansion a three sided-pyramid. The inserts are entirely unrelated with the contents and have been glued in the box.
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Rod Batten
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I think I bought this in the 80s. Is this an 'improved' re-release?
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Scott Nicholson
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That sounds

XTREEM!
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Al Sefcik
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Bolingbrook
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Co-op??? NOOOOO!!!
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Actually, it sounds OVERWHELMING to me!
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Adam Brant
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I think with that many pieces, and especially the 2ft tall useless center building, you will take up more than 1/3 of a Fantasy Flight big box sized box. You'll need a bigger box to meet your target of 2/3 wasted box space. Something to think about before you go to production.
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Rod Batten
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To fulfill the box space and insert requirement, I suggest that you issue the game in a custom package boxed in a steamer trunk with a moulded in polyurethane insert.

A 'deluxe edition' could be released with a monkey butler in a concealed trunk compartment. Make sure that there's enough food for the expected shelf life before sales to keep *all* components fresh.
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Mike Cooper
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Don't forget that you have to limit production to 100 copies that are only available at Essen, but all numbered as 2/100 so everybody thinks "Ooh, the designer's keeping #1, but I got #2!"

Then, after the game is sufficiently hyped and sold out, announce that the same edition will be in stores worldwide next week, cost 1/3 as much and is in a limited print run of 150,000 (because that's only as many as the printing company can handle at a time - they're committed to at least 10 print runs), each with #2/100 printed on the cover.
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Matt Lee
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Everything needs to be printed in China but left out for a few weeks to generate enough mold-encouraging moisture so that when sealed tightly, they'll be nicely covered by the time they make it on the shipping container.

Also, as others who are old enough to remember from the early printed copy protections for software will remember, the rules must be printed in rust colored or burgundy colored ink on dark brown colored paper for maximum...er....readability.

Don't forget a box top that is thin enough to dish and buckle during the shrinkwrap process (at least for 3/4 of the run).
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Ken H.
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morgand wrote:
Make sure you include an play book with examples that contradict the rules.


Good idea. Also, after the game comes out, be sure to issue a revised edition of the rule book. Don't provide it for free though. Your customers will enjoy paying extra for the revisions. After all, they want you to succeed, so they're willing to make the sacrifice.

Quote:
Oh, and be certain to market the game as a "Military Strategy Game" so we can argue about whether it's a wargame. That's always fun.


Yes, and include miniatures too. Because debating whether something is a "miniatures" game is just as fun.
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Wayne Hitchcock
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Tanzih
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1. Number of Players: Make this a ridiculously large number so as to reduce the possibility of actually being able to gather enough people together. For 11 to 13 players

2. Suitable for Ages: Make this range as wide as possible to be "more inclusive" For Ages 2 - 102

3. Solitaire Suitability: Despite the number stated in 1, rate this very high.

4. Matrices: There must be at least 9 double-sided printed cards, each of which contains a minimum of 12 matrices whose complexity is second only to those found on the Canadian Revenue Agency T1 General Tax Return; the only purpose of which is to determine whether a particular die roll be modified by + or - 1.
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Alan Monroe
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klz_fc wrote:
left out for a few weeks to generate enough mold-encouraging moisture


AND everything will curl or warp to boot.
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Wayne Hitchcock
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Rygel wrote:


Weight - The game will weigh at least 46 pounds.



That system of measurement is too common. Your advertising should say something like "weighs only 3 stone"
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Chris Schenck
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Number of Players: The box will display a pleasant range, like 2-6.

However, the real number is 2 players, with a third player going every other turn. Even then, the game is only playable by compiling multiple sources of errata published in Aramaic.
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Kris Verbeeck
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DancesWithBeagles wrote:
Rygel wrote:


Weight - The game will weigh at least 46 pounds.



That system of measurement is too common. Your advertising should say something like "weighs only 3 stone"


Or say something this game can be moved in a non-regular pickup truck.
This will tell us something about size and weight but not really.

 
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Sean
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Ah, the joys of alcohol.....
 
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Paul O'Connor
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Of course you'll have to concoct a pre-order bonus in the form of some incomprehensible and entirely disposable additional component, then fail to ship to your customers until after the game has been blown out on Tanga.
 
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Derek H
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... and now I so want a game - any game - that has a nice bust of Knizia's head (1:5 scale would be great!)
 
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