Well me known for eating cookie when me don't they shout
Look! He try to throw loyal fans a curve!
Mr. Praline : 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
Mr. Praline : 'Ello, Miss?
Owner : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?
Mr. Praline : I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(The owner nods, understanding.)
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint!
Owner : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
Mr. Praline : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this game, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner : Oh yes, the, ah, Monty Python Fluxx... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's inconsistent, that's what's wrong with it.
Owner : No, no, it's ah... it's constantly improving.
Mr. Praline : Look, matey, I know a inconsistent game when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner : No no, i-it's not inconsistent, it's, it's constantly improvin'!
Mr. Praline : Constantly improvin'?
Owner : Y-yeah, constantly improvin'. Remarkable game, Monty Python Fluxx, isn't it, eh? Beautiful artwork!!
Mr. Praline : The artwork don't enter into it. It's always changing the rules once the game starts!
Owner : Nononono, no, no! It's constantly improvin'!
Mr. Praline : All right then, if it's constantly improvin', I'll see how it works!
(shouting out the text on the card)
GOAL: This is an ex-parrot: You win if you have the Resting Parrot and the Grim Reaper on the table in front of you.
(plays the card)
Owner : There, it got better!
Mr. Praline : No, it didn't, that was just a bloody rules change making it harder to win!
Owner : No it wasn't!!
Mr. Praline : Yes, it was!
Owner : It wasn't, wasn't....
(reads from the Grim Reaper card)
Mr. Praline : CREEPER! YOU CANNOT HOLD THIS CARD, BUT MUST PLACE IT FACE UP IN FRONT OF YOU!
(He slams his fist on the table, horribly hard.)
IF YOU DREW IT, IMMEDIATELY DRAW ANOTHER CARD TO REPLACE IT.
(He does it again, harder.)
YOU CANNOT WIN IF YOU HAVE THIS CARD UNLESS THE GOAL STATES OTHERWISE.
(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call making it harder to win.
Owner : No, no.... No, it's holding the other players back.
Mr. Praline : HOLDING THE OTHER PLAYERS BACK?
Owner : Yeah! You held the game up, just as someone else was about to win! Fiendishly clever play, major.
Mr. Praline : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That game is always changing the rules after it starts, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that the fact that only 100 cards were in the box would provide a similar experience every play.
Owner : Well, it's... it's, ah... probably just needs a couple of plays to settle the rules down.
(Praline looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Mr. Praline : NEEDS a couple plays to SETTLE THE RULES DOWN? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did the rules change the moment I shuffled the cards?
Owner : Monty Python Fluxx improves when the cards are shuffled! Remarkable game, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely artwork!
Mr. Praline : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that game when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had any consistency at all was because you always start with "Draw one card, play one card" rule.
Owner : Well, of course it starts with that rule! If I hadn't nailed that rule down at the start of the game, it would have slipped to the top of the deck, played at an inopportune moment, and made the game PREDICTABLE!
Mr. Praline : "PREDICTABLE?"
(Praline puts the game and takes the rulebook into his hands.)
Mr. Praline : Look matey, this game wouldn't be predictable if you added indigo and elected a governor! It's inconsistent!
Owner : It's not! I-It's settling the rules down!
Mr. Praline : It's not settling down the rules, it's always changing! This game is unpredictable! It has nothing consistent! It's throwing balls into a milk can at the carnival! This is an endeavor of chance! It's a gamble! Bereft of stability, it is constantly shifting! If you didn't start with one rule it would have no logical uniformity between plays! Its win/loss results are of interest only to statisticians who have no coins to toss! It's random! It's shuffled off this strategic session! It's run down the curtain and joined the ranks of Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magical Carrot! This.... is a LUCK-FEST!
Owner : Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He disappears behind the counter.)
Mr. Praline : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
(The owner returns.)
Owner : Sorry guv, we're fresh out of games.
Mr. Praline : I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner : (quietly) I-I've got a slug.
Mr. Praline : (sweet as sugar) Does it take 10-40 minutes to play?
Owner : Not really, no.
Mr. Praline : Well, it's SCARCELY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT then, IS IT?
Owner : Listen, I'll tell you that, tell you what, if you go to my brother's FLGS in Bolton, he'll replace your game for you.
Mr. Praline : Bolton, eh?
Owner : Yeah.
Mr. Praline : All right.
(CAPTION: "A SIMILAR FLGS IN BOLTON, LANCASHIRE")
(The customer enters a very similar FLGS, with a sign on the front reading "Similar FLGS, Ltd." The owner, who looks similar to his brother, is putting on a large false moustache in order to better distinguish himself from his brother. Which he isn't. Praline looks about and finds it to be very similar indeed. And when he finds his same game, with the same cards inside, that just about clinches it.)
Mr. Praline : Uh, excuse me, this is Bolton, is it?
Owner : (with the fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Mr. Praline : (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
(Mr Praline goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints.")
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint.
Attendant : I don't have to do this, you know!
Mr. Praline : I beg your pardon...?
Attendant : Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A MEEPLE!
- Last edited Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:43 pm (Total Number of Edits: 2)
- Posted Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:44 am
I laughed until I stopped.
That was... awesome.
I'm a meeple and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I farm all day.
(He's a meeple and he's okay,)
(He sleeps all night and he farms all day.)
I slop the pig, I help raise barns,
I stop by the abbey.
On Wednesdays I go trading,
And have the count 'round for tea.
I slop the pig, I buy new cloth,
I love wine 'n give back rubs.
Then dress up like the princess
And hang around in pubs.
I slop the pig, I wait in towers
For a knight to rescue me.
I wish I'd been a fairy
Just like my big poppie.
Is this the right room for an argument?
Well me known for eating cookie when me don't they shout
Look! He try to throw loyal fans a curve!
DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Oh, I'm sorry, this is abuse!
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory
yeah, the fun of fluxx is in finding strange ways to screw people over, while simulataneously avoiding the "random win".
You could try to say this in a game of Monty Python Fluxx and be rewarded
The Tale of Sir Grant (with thanks to textfiles.com)
(thump thump thump)
TALLGRANT: Open the box! Open the box!
TALLGRANT: In the name of Eurogaming open the box!
TITAN: Welcome gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Ameritrash.
TALLGRANT: The Castle Ameritrash?
TITAN: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every gaming need!
TALLGRANT: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail Game?
TITAN: The what?
TALLGRANT: The Grail Game. It is here.
TITAN: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Arkham! 1830!
ARKHAM and 1830: Yes, O Titan?
TITAN: Prepare a table for our guest.
ARKHAM and 1830: Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
TITAN: Away, away varletesses. The tables here are warm and soft, and very, very big.
TALLGRANT: Well, look, I-- I-- uh--
TITAN: What is your name, handsome knight?
TALLGRANT: Sir Grant... the Tall.
TITAN: Mine is Titan. Just Titan. Oh, but come.
TALLGRANT: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail Game!
TITAN: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
TALLGRANT: No, look. I have seen it! It is here, in this--
TITAN: Sir Grant! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
TALLGRANT: Well, I-- I-- uh--
TITAN: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young games and expansions, all between one and thirty-three-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to play us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: dusting, boxing, unboxing, punching out exciting counters. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
TALLGRANT: No, no-- it's-- it's nothing.
TITAN: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
TWILIGHT IMPERIUM: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
TALLGRANT: They're doctors?!
TITAN: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes.
TALLGRANT: B-- but--
TITAN: Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Twilight Imperium! Doctor Civilization! Practice your art.
CIVILIZATION: Try to relax.
TALLGRANT: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
TWILIGHT IMPERIUM: We must examine you.
TALLGRANT: There's nothing wrong with that!
TWILIGHT IMPERIUM: Please. We are doctors.
TALLGRANT: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to Eurogames.
TWILIGHT IMPERIUM: Back to the table! At once!
TALLGRANT: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail Game!
TWILIGHT IMPERIUM: There's no grail game here.
TALLGRANT: I have seen it! I have seen it! (clank) I have seen--
SQUAD LEADER: Hello.
ARKHAM EXPANSIONS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
UP FRONT and BANZAI: Hello. Hello.
CIRCUS MAXIMUS: Hello.
SHATTERED EMPIRES: Hello.
NUCLEAR WAR: Hello.
THE REPUBLIC OF ROME: Hello.
STAR FLEET BATTLES: Hello.
MERCHANT OF VENUS: Hello.
VG TITAN: No, I am TITAN's identical twin sister, Victoria Grace Titan.
TALLGRANT: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
VG TITAN: Where are you going?
TALLGRANT: I seek the Grail Game! I have seen it, here in this castle!
VG TITAN: Oh no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Annabelle Holly Titan!
TALLGRANT: Well, what is it?
VG TITAN: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Titan! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is Reiner-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
TALLGRANT: It's not the real Grail Game?
VG TITAN: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Titan! She is a bad game and must pay the penalty. Do you think this post should have been cut? We were so worried when that idiot was writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the his previous junk, I think.
FORUM THREAD: At least ours was better visually.
FORUM REPLIES: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of bad jokes.
OLD MAN GREENWOOD: Get on with it.
DOMINION THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!
ARMY OF EUROGAMERS: Yes, get on with it!
VG TITAN: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
ALDIE: Get on with it!
VG TITAN: [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Titan. Oh, she is a naughty game, and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Ameritrash, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Reiner-shaped beacon. (die roll) (consults CRT) You must throw her down on a table and play her.
GAMES: A playing! A playing!
VG TITAN: You must play her well. And after you have played her, you may put things in her box. And then, play me.
ARKHAM: And play me.
1830: And me.
THE REPUBLIC OF ROME: And me.
VG TITAN: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good playing!
GAMES: A playing! A playing! There is going to be a playing tonight! Gaming marathon for the entire weekend!
VG TITAN: And after the playing, the oral--
(crash, camera shake)
TALLGRANT'S WIFE: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
RSP INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody still reading this must go too.
EUROGAMER #1: All right. Come on. Back.
TALLGRANT'S WIFE: Get that one.
EUROGAMER #1: Back. Right away. Just... scoop it into that box with your arm. Come on. Come along.
RSP INSPECTOR: Put this game in the trash.
EUROGAMER #1: Clear off the table. Come on.
TVDINNER: With whom?
RSP INSPECTOR: Which one?
EUROGAMER #1: Oh-- this one.
RSP INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.
EUROGAMER #2: Get a leaf blower.
EUROGAMER #1: We have no dump truck.
EUROGAMER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
EUROGAMER #2: Run along! Run along!
EUROGAMER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive rulebook, that is.
EUROGAMER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
RSP INSPECTOR: Everything?
EUROGAMER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.