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Subject: Orph, you were right (lousy movies) rss

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Joe Gola
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Strange Brew is pretty terrible. Apparently there is an exception to the Max von Sydow! rule.

In other news, I also watched the first half hour of Q, a movie about an Aztec monster that flies around New York City and bites the heads off of window washers and high-rise construction workers. It all happens in broad daylight, but somehow nobody in the crowded metropolis seems to notice anything. I guess back in those days people didn't really look out of windows much. The only thing that happens is that blood mysteriously drips out of the sky and people are like "hey man, cut the shit!"

Meanwhile Michael Moriarty plays a character who seems to have accidentally wandered in from a John Cassavetes movie. He's a mixed-up jazz musician/coward who somehow gets himself involved in a heist, but the job goes haywire and he's the only man to make it out of the jewelry store alive. He is immediately sideswiped by a cab and loses the diamonds like some kind of dork. However, despite the fact that he's a pants-wetting failure, he has an attorney with offices in the Chrysler building. He hobbles over there, finds the offices closed, and, to elude a mildly curious security guard, goes up inside the spire...only to find a demon-beast nest, complete with chewed-up skeletons and a big honking egg. He wets his pants yet again but spends the night anyway, since he's on the lam and everything.

Later, when he goes back to his girlfriend's depressing apartment (though it's pretty nice considering that she's just a bartender), his clothes look like he has been working in a coal mine for a month. What was he doing up there in the nest, rolling in demon shit? The state of his armpits was particularly distressing. It was like he was sweating Bosco.

Meanwhile there are upsetting scenes of people getting flayed by Aztec religious zealots and upsetting scenes of David Carradine with a really bad haircut.

As if that all weren't enough, I also watched The Devil Doll, which was kind of a snorer. In fact I did actually doze off at one point. The gist of the story is that a mad scientist discovers a way to shrink human beings to one sixth of their normal size, imagining that this will be the solution to the world hunger problem (and not considering that this might only be the solution to the hunger problems of cats and large birds). He has a sudden heart attack, however, and his invention is instead used by a framed ex-con to kill off the three men who ruined his life. Since the police are after him, however, he hides his identity by dressing up like an old woman and opening a toy store in Paris. If this all sounds like an unnecessarily convoluted way to get back at the people who sent you to jail, let me just say that it's also a rather convoluted way to get back at an audience. I mean, really, who wants to see Lionel Barrymore simpering around as an old woman for an hour? He's not exactly Mr. Charming to begin with, do we really need to see him in a dress? Gah!

So, the theoretically suspenseful moments of the movie are when the little doll-people are sneaking up on other people to stab them in the ankles with wee little knives. There's a deadly poison on the knives, you understand, but what's funny is that sometimes ordinary-sized people are trying to poison each other, but they still only do it with the tiny-sized knives. Why not just use a regular knife? Or put the poison on a croissant or something? It's a mystery.

Anyway, feel free to share the details of the terrible movies you watched this weekend.
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Thee Insidius Doktor Glaze & His Sidekick Donut Boy with the Amazing Monkeytime Dancers Ooh!
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I'm 45 minutes into Werner Herzog's 1970 black-and-white all-midget tale of revolution on a remote Pacific isle, the classic Even Dwarfs Started Small. So far it's a doozie, more soon.
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Keith "Boaty McBoatface" C
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Yeah, Strange Brew wasn't worth buying, but I have a copy, although I should try and get rid of it. I was so close.

I watched Wall-E this weekend. It was cute, but wasn't really that great a movie. But, I understand it was a family movie, so I didn't really expect much of a deep plot to begin with. So, okay, but don't need to see it again.
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