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Subject: Dispatches from the Elmwood Country Club rss

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Erik D
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Yesterday marked the 7th annual Nycavri's Employer's Golf Fundraising Outing Thing. I signed up having never played a round of golf in my life. In fact, the first hole I played was a month ago for practice. Here's how the day went down:

- eggie: "I never thought I was going to say this: I'm seeing my husband off to a country club so he can go golfing."

- nycavri on what constitutes a great day: "I love it. We're going golfing while our wives go to work."

- I see the club's driving range on the left as we're driving in. It's incredibly tacky. The 250-yard sign is a giant golf ball. I can't believe people call this a club. It turns out the club is across the street. I was looking at a regular ol' public driving range.

- At the registration table, all participants receive a green rapair kit with ball marker, a jacket, a sleeve of golf balls, tees galore and a beer koozy. That's an impressive amount of swag for a fundraiser.

- Breakfast was incredible. I had bacon, potatoes, grapefruit juice, a cheese danish, an almond danish, some fresh fruit, banana mini muffins and an omlette with half a farmer's market in it.

erak: "This is the most shameful breakfast I've had in a long time."
nycavri: "I don't know what you're talking about."

- nycavri mentions multiple times how he flipped a golf cart last year. I do most of the driving.

- There's a "logo ball challenge". Essentially, each group member rotates which hole they hit the "logo ball". The group with the best logo ball round wins a free round of golf. If you lose the ball, you're out. Kenny, the third in our group, loses it on the first shot.

- My best hole on the front nine is a 6 on a par 3. I resolve to achieve the impossible: a double bogey before day's end.

- While watching Kenny shank a tee shot, I feel a sharp pain in my back. One of the golfers in the group behind us hit his shot right into my left kidney. They're not done with us. At least three more times a shot of theirs lands either near or in our golf carts.

- The course was beautiful, way better than where I played last month. Even the giant power lines and towers cutting through the course looked nice from one hole.

- Two double bogeys in a row! I'm on a hot streak until a terrible swing wrenches my back. By the time the advil kicked in, my swing was gone for the day.

- I play downhill holes very well. I'm going to build a golf course down a mountain. Everyone's a champion there.

- The golf gods demanded one terrible tee shot with a driver per hole, a burden nycavri bore for the first 15 holes. His best drive of the day landed 20 yards outside the tee box. He gives up and switches to the 3-iron. Now I had to appease the golf gods for the rest of the day. Thanks, nycavri.

- The last hole of the day was basically 400 yards of the Jersey Shore. At one point, our caddy tells me my best hope is to hit from one sandtrap into another, a feat I accomplish, though it took me 3 swings to get it right.

- Nycavri completes a frustrating day with a perfect bunker shot followed by a 15-foot putt. He was owed that. At least 5 times previous to this, incredible putts lipped out on him.

- After all the mulligans, hand wedges, and downright generous drops by our caddy, I shot a 138. Tiger Woods's career average is 68.86, meaning he is only twice as good as me.

- Corona never really does anything for me, but after a 5-hour round of golf in the sun, it's about the tastiest beer you can drink.

- There are some seriously swanky things up for silent auction. I'm surprised to see Devils/Sabres tickets on there. (I didn't think there were too many Devils fans in White Plains, NY.) However, they're luxuruy box seats and the minimum bid is $300 - a little too rich for my blood.

- Dinner consisted of steak, ribs, cucumber salad with feta, baked beans, pasta salad, fresh tomatos, pickles, cherry peppers, 2 mini cannolis, a brownie bite, 1.5 chocolate chip cookies, a slice of cherry pie and a scoop of coffee ice cream smothered in coconut, Oreos, marshmallow fluff and Reese's Pieces.

erak: "I'm really going to hate myself for eating all this."
nycavri: "I don't know what you're talking about."

- Microsoft Word's dictionary has no entry for "cannolis". Spell check suggests I use "cannibis" instead.

- 5 minutes left in the silent auction and they announce minimum bids have been lowered on some items. I check the hockey tickets. No bids, but still a $300 minimum.

- 30 seconds left in the silent auction. I check the tickets one last time and see the minimum was set to $200 and someone had bit. I up it to $225. As I walk away with 10 seconds remaining, I see someone sprinting towards the tickets section. I either got 2 luxury box seats for $225, or cost someone $50.

- I'm $225 poorer.

- One of nycavri's former co-workers gives us a ride home, a huge favor considering it chops 90 minutes off a commute that would've required both Metro North and the subway. It turns out I played against the guy in an Ultimate Frisbee scrimmage last year between teams neither of us play for anymore.

- All in all, I enjoyed the trip to the point of actually wanting my own set of clubs. (That sound you just heard was eggie rolling her eyes.) After all, when I got my own bowling ball, my average increased by 20 pins. With my own clubs, I can hit a 118 easy. Tiger Woods will only be 1.7 times better than me at that point. Suck it, Eldrick.
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Avri
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Yeah, what he said, plus:

- I can't believe we didn't take a picture of the vat of bacon and sausage at brunch. We could have doubled the number of people at the outing next year, just from Chit Chatters . . .

- we decided that there's a really neat game design opportunity in the "best 10 out of your last 20 rounds" golf handicapping system. That or Knizia invented golf . . .

- my normal routine of horrendous front nine followed by reasonable back nine was not to be this year (I play one round a year, and was very pleased to break 100 at the 6th Annual . . .) The golf gods were having far too much fun with me, so much so that I stopped keeping track of my score when I'd missed the proverbial cut after 5 holes . . .

- after 15 holes I had publically announced my intention to never golf again. I'd even made plans to take the day off, make a donation to Camp, then spend the day at my favorite bar shooting pool and drinking bourbon. I think I had erak signed up.

- I left my pride on 15, and switched to hitting irons from the tee. After explaining to the British staff I'd hired (who were watching the hole for potential hole in ones) just how awful my game was, I stepped up and hit my longest, straightest drive of the day. Now they think I'm a douchebag . . .

- Then 18. erak and I leapfrogging each other 35 yards at a time down the fairway, caddy driving the golf cart (and sniggering at us) as we walked most of the course. Ready to quit for life again, I go up and down from the bunker and Tiger couldn't have done it any better. Even the caddy acknowledged I was due. I told him I'd see him next year . . .

- The open bar was something of an alternate reality for me. I like to be a regular in a bar, know the staff etc., and my wife worked for 10 years "singin' and slingin'" in Piano Bars, so I always take care of the bartenders. When I ordered the first drinks, mine was the first tip in the guy's tip jar and he thanked me. When erak and I went back for round 2 (or 3? maybe 4?), it was like we'd become invisible - he served everybody but us until it had to be intentional. Was he insulted that I'd tipped him? A couple more bourbons (or in erak's case, a hidden Sierra Nevadas) later all was forgiven (or at least forgotten . . .)

- The front row Giants tickets on sale at the silent auction were for the same day as my wife's best friend's baby shower. Guess who's going to be watching the game at home with the baby rather than at the Meadowlands . . .

- Chef Dave, who cooked for us this summer, was bidding all night on the of Giants tickets and a set of Yankees tickets. He was so excited when he finally won both that it was just too easy to say, "Wait, weren't they both on the same day?" Maybe I *am* a douchebag . . .

- The talk on the train up to Elmwood was all Boardgames. The drive back was all Ultimate Frisbee. I napped . . .

- When applying (and reapplying) sunscreen, it's not smart to forget to protect the triangle of chest that the golf shirt doesn't cover. My face and arms have a nice, healthy color, my neck/chest region looks like the aforementioned logo ball . . .

- If I had time and money, I'd really enjoy golf . . .
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Avri
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erak wrote:
- Breakfast was incredible. I had bacon, potatoes, grapefruit juice, a cheese danish, an almond danish, some fresh fruit, banana mini muffins and an omlette with half a farmer's market in it.


You missed the French Toast, the croissants, the sausage, the other various fruit juices and yummy, yummy coffee . . .

And you didn't mention the bacon nearly enough.

erak wrote:
- Dinner consisted of steak, ribs, cucumber salad with feta, baked beans, pasta salad, fresh tomatos, pickles, cherry peppers, 2 mini cannolis, a brownie bite, 1.5 chocolate chip cookies, a slice of cherry pie and a scoop of coffee ice cream smothered in coconut, Oreos, marshmallow fluff and Reese's Pieces.


You did, however, cover that very nicely . . .
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Erik D
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nycavri wrote:
erak wrote:
- Breakfast was incredible. I had bacon, potatoes, grapefruit juice, a cheese danish, an almond danish, some fresh fruit, banana mini muffins and an omlette with half a farmer's market in it.


You missed the French Toast, the croissants, the sausage, the other various fruit juices and yummy, yummy coffee . . .

And you didn't mention the vacon nearly enough.



I also forgot to mention the salmon sculpture made out of lox!
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L C

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erak wrote:


- nycavri mentions multiple times how he flipped a golf cart last year. I do most of the driving.


- All in all, I enjoyed the trip to the point of actually wanting my own set of clubs. (That sound you just heard was eggie rolling her eyes.) After all, when I got my own bowling ball, my average increased by 20 pins. With my own clubs, I can hit a 118 easy. Tiger Woods will only be 1.7 times better than me at that point. Suck it, Eldrick.


A HA HA HA HA HA HA
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