p55carroll
United States
Minnesota
flag msg tools
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby.
badge
If I were to hang my head, I'd miss all the rainbows. And I'd drown in raindrops instead.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
I just read yet another thread about some BGGeek looking for the right game to get his S.O. to play. I've seen many threads and Geeklists on the topic, and I've discussed games that work for me and my wife.

But today I realized it's not the choice of game that's key. Rather, at least in my own case, it's a whole complex of compatibility issues.

I don't want to digress into the many other areas of life affected by such issues--household chores, shopping, meals, sex, having guests over, visiting relatives, vacationing, child rearing, pets, etc. So let's just talk games. What compatibility issues figure into sitting down and playing games with someone?

Off the top of my head, and using my own situation as an example (btw, I live just with my wife; been married 22 years; no kids but three cats; we both work full-time; we both like games, though I'm more obsessed with them):

How often? Me, I’m up for a game every day, even several times a day. And I let my wife know that. But she’s only in the mood for a game every now and then--sometimes once a week, sometimes only once every few months. As you can imagine, that’s frustrating for me. Unfortunately, I’ve dealt with the issue in what turns out to be a very poor way—by just resigning myself to the difference and waiting for her to take the initiative when she’s ready. More on that below.

How regularly? In some ways, I’m a creature of habit; I can handle routine very well. If we had regular gaming nights—say every Wednesday and Saturday—that’d suit me perfectly (though I’d rather it be every day, as noted above). Not her, though. She might agree to a regular schedule if I caught her in a good mood and was sufficiently persuasive, but next time the appointment came due she’d think nothing of reneging; it’d depend on how she felt, what her “energy level” was, or what else was in the offing. She seems to like spontaneity and irregularity. Here again, I take a logical but ineffective tack by being all too passive—just waiting for her to surprise me when the mood does strike.

How long? When we do get together for a game, how long do we like to spend playing it? We’ve had some marathon games of many hours each—but not for a number of years. Still, this tells me she and I can both enjoy long games, under the right circumstances. Once we’re into a game, I lose track of time anyway; I could go on playing forever. She has a built-in clock, though, so she’s always aware of how much time we’ve spent and what else she has scheduled. So she often likes short games that she can squeeze in among other activities. Unfortunately, I tend to feel rushed, pressured, and dissatisfied then.

How many players? I’m something of a minimalist in this regard; one-on-one games are my preference, and my next choice is usually solitaire—because to me it’s just too much of a hassle to make social arrangements beyond that. My wife, in contrast, likes a gathering of friends or family—and our families live thousands of miles away, while most of our friends don’t do much gaming. So, if I suggest a game, her face might light up for a moment. But when she asks, “With whom?” and I say, “Just us,” that’s pretty sure to put a damper on her spirits. If it’s going to be just us, then she’d just as soon play solitaire (and we both do play a lot of solo games on the computer). On the rare occasions when we're going to have friends over, she's often the one to say, "Maybe we can play a game" (that just happened today), so she is interested in games. But if there were a local group we could join (and there probably is), I'd be the one to balk at that.

How intensely? Here’s another question that comes up once we actually get a game going. Do we play to the hilt, getting deeply into it and making our moves slowly, savoring every moment? Or is it to be a fast-paced “quickie”—perhaps to be followed by another and another, should the mood last? Generally speaking, I’m the slow, intense one, while she’s the fast, light player. But I can do fast and light, and sometimes she gets slow and intense. I enjoy Lost Cities (one of her favorite games), and she has enjoyed Advanced Civilization as well as even more involved computer games. So it’s not clear-cut, but she does accuse me of being too slow sometimes or making too big a production out of the thing; and I can sometimes be turned off by her wish to just squeeze in a “filler” game between other activities.

Who takes the lead? This is a real sticking point with us. I want to play games all the time, but I don’t want to keep asking her to play. She wants to play now and then, but she wants me to do the asking. To my mind, it’d be simpler if she just let me know when she was in the mood. But I guess she doesn’t know if she’s in the mood until I ask. So, I’m always having to psych myself up to ask—and risk being rejected again. (The payoff in other areas can be worth it; in games, I’m not so sure.) In any case, if game playing is not something we do pretty often, it just slips completely off my radar; I never think about bringing it up again--though I'm receptive if she brings it up.

How much conflict or compromise is tolerable? Some people—like my wife—are fine with conflict. Others—like me--are so intent on harmony that they’ll bend over backward to compromise. Hence, when it comes to choosing a game, she’s likely to blurt out what she wants to play and not even think about my preferences; she expects me to likewise blurt out what I want, and then we can start haggling. But my style is to empathize and try to take her preferences into consideration, so I’m compromising from the get-go; and my needs often go partly unmet as a consequence. This also carries over to what’s tolerable during a game: she can handle games with direct conflict, and she’s often put off by wimpy “multiplayer solitaire” games (but then again, she can turn icy and walk away from a game if I get too clever and beat her). I’m sometimes happier with games that don’t involve a lot of direct conflict (but then I get frustrated when I fall behind and lose game after game, since I’m often slow to catch on to such games).

How much variety? She’s always up for something new. If she’s not learning something new, she’s bored—and she’s very unpleasant when she’s bored. As long as a game provides new patterns or problems or challenges to explore, she’s happy to replay it; but if we play too often, she feels she has exhausted the possibilities (even though I know she really hasn’t). Me, I’m usually content with the tried-and-true. If the game has proven itself to be great, it’s great each and every time we play—and it’s infinitely replayable. To balance this difference between us, she hates having to learn new rules, so she’ll replay a game rather than face that initial learning curve. And I’m something of a collector, so I usually have a stack of unplayed games ready to be tried out, in case she does get too bored with one of our regular favorites. I'd be happy, though, if we played nothing but, say, cribbage two or three times a week from now on. She'd soon get bored with that.

Under what conditions? Sometimes ambience can factor in. She’s an outdoor person, while I’m more an indoor kind of guy. So, she’d be up for a game like Hive or dominoes—something that lends itself to playing on the deck. I’d just as soon be away from the wind and bugs and stuff myself. As far as time of day, she wants to fit a game into her schedule, since she’s something of a planner. Anytime is good for me, though my mind is freshest in the morning. She’s a multitasker, so she’ll play a game and watch TV and browse through a magazine and make a phone call, all at the same time. I can’t stand that; I want us to just focus on the game and nothing else. Her mood is a factor; often she'll be more in the mood to get out of the house or do some work, or she'll feel too low on energy or too "brain dead" to think. I'm more steady in that regard; if I'm awake enough, I'm up for a game.

Which game? Considering all the foregoing questions, this one is almost moot. If we manage to strike some degree of compatibility in all of the above factors, it’s easy to pick a game. There are a dozen or so games around the house that we'd both be glad to play. So many games that many of them are as yet unplayed. But the reason they're unplayed has a lot to do with the compatibility issues outlined above.

Choosing the right game is the easy part. Getting together with the right person at the right time in the right place under the right conditions is what's hard.

That's how I see it, anyway. How do you see it?
15 
 Thumb up
0.25
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Roberta Taylor
Canada
Edmonton
Alberta
flag msg tools
designer
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Great post, and so true.

I don't know how long you've been married, but I find that some of these points become easier over time while some become harder, as behaviours and reactions become habit.

Lots of food for thought here- thanks for sharing your musings.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Eric Brosius
United States
Needham Heights
Massachusetts
flag msg tools
badge
My favorite 18xx game for six players is two games of 1846 with three players each.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Patrick, these are insightful comments. Have you discussed this with your wife? I suspect there may be options you haven't thought of.

For example, you mention that it's too much of a hassle to make social arrangements that might involve gatherings of people. But perhaps you might let her know you're willing to have her arrange gatherings (without asking you to help arrange) in which game playing might happen. Perhaps you might wind up playing a 2-player game with one other person while she joins in several shorter games with a larger group. This might lead to progress between you and her in other ways.

Let me give you an example. I have been the person who takes the lead in gaming between my wife and me for many years. I started going to the World Boardgaming Championships in 2003, and a few years later my wife accompanied me. Now she is the GM for the Ticket to Ride tournament, which attracted 220 people last month. I'd never want to do a job like that, but she loves it. We go to WBC and do different things, but we both enjoy it. And as a result, my wife has started to ask "do you want to play Lost Cities?" or "do you want to play San Juan?" after supper, partly because she knows she'll be playing these games at WBC and wants to practice.
2 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
'Bernard Wingrave'
United States
Wyoming
Ohio
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
You asked:
Quote:
What compatibility issues figure into sitting down and playing games with someone?

I'm going to focus first on the online game experiences I have with a friend who lives in another city. We have been getting together online to play boardgames for an hour or so most Sundays for the past few years. We picked a time when we were both available on a consistent basis (after his kids were typically in bed, but before I was feeling sleepy). Then we started playing games that would fit the limitations of online boardgaming:
1must have an online implementation that works for both of us,
2must either be short enough to finish in one evening at our speed or be capable of being saved and resumed later,
3must look enjoyable enough that we will both want to try it out,
4must be pretty good with two players.
For subsequent plays of the same game, we decide whether to continue based on how much fun we're having; if one of us is sick of a game (or in my case, sick of repeatedly losing a game), we move on to a different one. I put together a list of games that fit the first two points above, and then we pick from that list.

In terms of the larger compatibility discussion, this online gaming is really nice because it scratches some of my boardgaming itch. I'm OK with playing boardgames with my wife and/or her son every few weeks (or less) in part because I have other opportunities to play games (Sunday nights online, Play-By-E-Mail Friedrich, monthly boardgame nights at church, occasional boardgame nights at friends' houses or at a game store). It works out nicely.

Edit: Added link.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Daniel Corban
Canada
Newmarket
Ontario
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
I am curious why you are so against playing with more than one player. It seems odd to me that a boardgamer would actually prefer to play solitaire! I would think such a person would be more inclined to just play computer or console games.
3 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Rick Goudeau
United States
Moody
Alabama
flag msg tools
Laissez les bons temps rouler
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
An insightful post and thank you for not being about Space Hulk, something I'm thoroughly tired of seeing.

Your wife sounds much like mine - a Social Gamer. The like multiplayer, the interaction with the group. The games are usually known or lighter so they don't get in the way of the group. The intense gamer games are just not as popular and detailed wargames are definitely out. I like you have these as some my favorites. I've accepted that my wife gets something different out of gaming, and have found a couple of wargaming partners.

I think Eric had a good idea one I may adopt as well. In our game group I frequently break out to a 2 player wargame while a 4 or 5 player game is going on.

dcorban wrote:
I am curious why you are so against playing with more than one player. It seems odd to me that a boardgamer would actually prefer to play solitaire! I would think such a person would be more inclined to just play computer or console games.


I'll take a shot at this.
I am a long time wargamer. At the battle or campaign level it is usually two sides contending. Even at the strategic level multi-factioned conflicts are not common. Now I have done some team games where you have an overall commander and subordinates, but that takes a particular mind set.
Solitaire: I sometimes approach a wargame much like a history book. That is to develop and understanding some of the restrictions and issues the sides faced. When I'm in that mood I don't need an opponent.
I've always been disappointed with computer and console games - when playing solitaire, I guess I like to play around with the rules too much.
2 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
p55carroll
United States
Minnesota
flag msg tools
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby.
badge
If I were to hang my head, I'd miss all the rainbows. And I'd drown in raindrops instead.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
dcorban wrote:
I am curious why you are so against playing with more than one player. It seems odd to me that a boardgamer would actually prefer to play solitaire! I would think such a person would be more inclined to just play computer or console games.


I'm not sure I can explain it clearly, since I'm a little vague in my own understanding. But I'll give it a try.

1. I've loved games with a passion ever since I was a tiny tot. But to my mind, a game was (and still is) basically a fun world of make-believe to escape into. Everything else about a game is secondary to that. Yeah, it can be sociable if others join in exploring the game-world. Yeah, it can be mentally challenging if there's deep strategy and tactics involved in the game-world. But basically, it's still a matter of being transported into this neat little artificial world.

2. I learned checkers at age ten or so, chess at age twelve, and then discovered board wargames at age thirteen. I soon became an avid wargamer. Meanwhile, in the early years I also played games like Careers with my family; and I have fond memories of that, but it was a different kind of experience. When I think of "the joy of board gaming," my attention first goes to elaborate wargames and deep strategy games like chess and go. Other kinds of games are an afterthought.

3. I've enjoyed the likes of Advanced Civilization, Kingmaker, History of the World, Dune, Merchant of Venus, and Catan with four or more players. I know what that experience is like, and I'd do it again if it became convenient. But while playing those games, I always had mixed feelings. I liked the socializing--all the table talk; it was good to have friends and family gathered around doing something together. And I liked the games; I had some fun doing what I was supposed to do as a player. But at the same time, I missed the head-to-head strategy of the kind of game I was more used to--wargames and the likes of chess, go, backgammon, or cribbage.

4. I've always had a strong aversion to "playing the players," so to speak, in any game. I don't want to fool anyone or be fooled. If I can think things through more deeply than my opponent and make a better move, that's fine; but if I succeed at bluffing my opponent, that's not OK with me--I feel bad about it. Hence, I avoid games of deception like the plague (my least favorite game is Diplomacy. And I steer clear of games of negotiation, trading, bluffing, and bidding as well. All those things go against my grain. I can be roped into this type of game, but it's never my choice and I'm never very happy with it. (Part of the problem here is that this kind of game tends to take me out of the wonderful game-world of make-believe and remind me that I'm at a table with real, live people. Even if the people are playing roles, it's all too real and immediate for my liking.)

5. Why solitaire instead of computer/console games? Well, I do both, actually. As a low-tech guy, I'd rather stay away from the computer anyway (but the convenience of the darned things keeps luring me in). Playing both sides of a two-player wargame (or any game, for that matter) involves some interesting challenges as well as rewarding immersion into the make-believe world. Also, it serves as good practice for the face-to-face game I'll play someday. On the computer, I usually prefer to play games that I can also play with others face-to-face (e.g., dominoes, backgammon, chess, cribbage); that way I'm just using the computer to practice. I generally don't like solitaire (patience) card games or games designed for just one player--whether they're board games or computer games; something important always feels missing.

6. I guess the main reason I prefer one-on-one games is that there's a chance I might find a compatible opponent and be able to enjoy the game the way I like to. Add a third player, and odds are I'll run into some degree of incompatibility with one of them. Add a fourth or fifth or more, and it's almost certain that I'll be at the table with some people I like a lot better than others. I can handle that; I've done it and survived, and even had a good time now and then. But there are lots of little allowances and compromises involved, so I never really get to play the game on my own terms, so to speak--at my own pace and with my preferred degree of involvement or intensity or immersion or whatever you want to call it.

In short, I guess it's that (due to my personality type or whatever) I'm always on the lookout for a gaming "soul mate"--someone I'm totally in sync with gamewise. The ideal gaming experience, to me, would be a satisfying one-on-one interaction via a favorite game--where we delight in exploring the game-world together while also providing each other with mental challenges.


2 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Martin B
Canada
Richmond Hill
Ontario
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
What you need is a committed couple to come over to your house on a regular scheduled basis. These can't be your existing social gamer friends, but someone dedicated like you. A nice couple is more acceptable as regular visitors to your home than a bunch of sweaty guys, and the scheduled routine will force you and your wife to play, since you don't want to let your guests down week after week.
3 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Seth Brown
United States
North Adams
Massachusetts
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
dcorban wrote:
I am curious why you are so against playing with more than one player. It seems odd to me that a boardgamer would actually prefer to play solitaire! I would think such a person would be more inclined to just play computer or console games.


This has definitely been my experience; aside from playing through the solo Agricola "campaign" once to see how it worked, solitaire board gaming really doesn't appeal to me. I see board games as a way to match your strategy against that of other players, and interact a bit socially. This is why I a) don't enjoy online board-gaming very much, and b) put down the board games and pick up the video games whenever I'll be playing alone. At that point, I'd prefer a completely immersive single-player experience, music and all.

BakeliteTM wrote:
What you need is a committed couple to come over to your house on a regular scheduled basis. These can't be your existing social gamer friends, but someone dedicated like you. A nice couple is more acceptable as regular visitors to your home than a bunch of sweaty guys, and the scheduled routine will force you and your wife to play, since you don't want to let your guests down week after week.


This is a great idea. Having a regular gaming night with other people makes it happen a lot more often, and if it's combined with dinner occasionally, and becomes a real social event, it might well turn into something you all look forward to each week.

Naturally, that doesn't preclude other gaming during the week, but it's a fine baseline. You might try to get used to playing a quick game after dinner, while digesting. Even something quick and simple like Lost Cities. Once you build up the habit of gaming every night (or so), it'll be easier for you (or her) to suggest, "Why don't we play something heavier tonight".

As for game selection, I might suggest one of the two crazy game selection mechanics I've seen on BGG (can't recall where, or I'd link). One involves both suggesting games until you have 9 candidates, and putting them into a 3x3 matrix. Then you secretly select a row while she secretly selects a column, and you play the intersection. If you're playing with more players, then you should place two possible games onto the table. Clockwise, each other player should also place one possible game onto the table. You then remove one game from the table that you least want to play. Every other player then does the same, leaving you with one game.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
p55carroll
United States
Minnesota
flag msg tools
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby.
badge
If I were to hang my head, I'd miss all the rainbows. And I'd drown in raindrops instead.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
BakeliteTM wrote:
What you need is a committed couple to come over to your house on a regular scheduled basis. These can't be your existing social gamer friends, but someone dedicated like you. . . .


Hmm . . . sounds like something that would work for my wife. Not sure it'd be agreeable to me, though.

In past years, we used to get together with friends and coworkers for evenings of gaming. It was good, but some people moved away, two of them died, and we're now back to the point of trying to get other couples we know interested in gaming.

But what you're suggesting reminds me of what my wife recently did in regard to physical fitness. She's never been able to motivate herself to do regular workouts, as she knows she should. In past years, we joined fitness clubs, and that helped a little--but she'd eventually stop going. Now she has hired a personal trainer to come to our house on a regular basis--and she's finally working out regularly.

However, I'm just the opposite. I hate working with trainers or going to gyms, and it'd stress me out just knowing that the trainer is going to arrive at such-and-such a time every week. Instead, I simply work out on my own. I'm self-motivated, and I do two exercise routines every day--a light one in the morning, and a heavier one after work. Since it's my own schedule, I don't feel pressured; I just get in the habit of doing it, and it works great.

So, I'd probably be uncomfortable arranging to meet up with a "dedicated gamer couple" at a scheduled time every week. Anything that structured would put pressure on me and make gaming feel a little too much like work.

I'd rather that gaming become just part of our own routine. Right now, she comes home from work, grabs something to eat, and plops down in front of the TV. When I finish my workout, I heat up something for supper, then either join her in front of the TV (just to be in the same room with her, if it's a show I can stand to watch) or take my supper into the computer room. After the meal, she continues watching TV and I play on the computer. That's where a change of routine could be in order. She keeps saying she's tired of TV and wants to do something else. Why not turn the TV off and play a game?

I suggest that every now and then. But habits are hard to change. She doesn't say no; she thinks it'd be a good idea too. But then she'll get interested in a show--and by the time it's over, it's too close to bedtime and we have to get up early.

Today, btw, we had a couple over for a late lunch. We talked about introducing them to Bohnanza. A couple times, my wife said she'd really like to play that game if the opportunity arose. So I broke it out, reread the rules, and prepared the cards for a four-player game. After lunch, I took advantage of a lull in the conversation to remind her about the game. But she didn't sound too interested, and the other couple said they couldn't stay much longer. After they left, my wife said she just wanted the game to be available as a fall-back in case the conversation dried up.

I don't know--maybe I really am basically a computer/console game player. But I'm just old enough that it's hard to see myself that way; I still think of computer games as newfangled fads, because video arcades didn't come along till I was in my twenties, and we didn't have a home computer till I was in my mid thirties. So, I tend to think of video and computer games as "kids' stuff." Yet, I own a Nintendo DS and a dozen game cartridges for it, plus a number of PC games. And in the past couple weeks, I've spent more time playing Civilization Revolution on my DS than any other kind of gaming. I also have an Advance Wars cartridge in the GBA slot, and I've been happily working my way through those campaigns. Mario Kart is also a nice change of pace.

But those don't seem like real games to me. They seem more like entertainment packages presented as pseudo-games for a single player. A real game has physical components and can be played by two or more people at a table. Or at least that's the notion I've got stuck in my mind. Maybe all I need to do is let go of that old mindset and wake up to the twenty-first century.

It's what my wife does. She's quite happy, apparently, playing Heroes of Might & Magic III Complete (with the "Wake of the Gods" mod) on the PC--or playing Puzzle Stax, a favorite puzzle game--or playing with Brain Age on her Nintendo DS. She spends quite a bit of time on those games and likes the fact that she can start and stop anytime she likes and not have to make arrangements with me or anybody else.

With certain games, I can enjoy that too. But 90 percent of what's published for the Nintendo DS is not to my taste; it's for the younger generations. And when I play a game, I don't like anything being hidden "under the hood"; I want it all spelled out in the rule book so I can fully understand what's happening and how and why. I also want to be able to tinker with the rules and fix any flaws I detect.

A game like Race for the Galaxy: The Gathering Storm suits me because I can play it solitaire and be learning things that will be important to know in a two-or-more-player game. The solitaire game may be different, but the knowledge and skills employed in the solo game do mostly carry over. When I play solitaire, I feel I'm practicing for a two-player game.

Kinda the same when I play a wargame solo. Yeah, I'm playing both sides against each other--but I'm also practicing for what I'd do when playing either side against an opponent. Actually playing against an opponent would be better, but preparing to do is the next best thing.

1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Gordon Watson
United Kingdom
Banstead
Surrey - United Kingdom
flag msg tools
ASL - other tactical wargames call it Sir.
badge
Beneath this mask there is an idea.....and ideas are bulletproof.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
I know you said you didn't want to digress into other areas of life but I suspect that if you substitute "sex" for "a game" in the text below it holds true for that aspect of many relationships as well as games - I have shortened some of Patrick's text somewhat.

Patrick Carroll wrote:

How often? Me, I’m up for a game every day, even several times a day. And I let my wife know that. But she’s only in the mood for a game every now and then--sometimes once a week, sometimes only once every few months (ouch). As you can imagine, that’s frustrating for me.....

How regularly? In some ways, I’m a creature of habit; I can handle routine very well. If we had regular gaming nights 'say every Wednesday and Saturday'that’d suit me perfectly (though I’d rather it be every day, as noted above). Not her, though. She might agree to a regular schedule if I caught her in a good mood and was sufficiently persuasive, but next time the appointment came due she’d think nothing of reneging; it’d depend on how she felt,...

How long? When we do get together for a game, how long do we like to spend playing it? We’ve had some marathon games of many hours each (way to go), but not for a number of years (yup). Still, this tells me she and I can both enjoy long games, under the right circumstances. Once we’re into a game, I lose track of time anyway; I could go on playing forever.

How many players? I’m something of a minimalist in this regard; one-on-one games are my preference, and my next choice is usually solitaire (OK moving swiftly on), because to me it’s just too much of a hassle to make social arrangements beyond that. My wife, in contrast, likes a gathering of friends or family (moving even more swiftly on) and our families live thousands of miles away, while most of our friends don’t do much gaming. So, if I suggest a game, her face might light up for a moment. But when she asks, 'With whom?' (go boy go!) and I say, 'Just us' (Doh!), that’s pretty sure to put a damper on her spirits.....

How intensely? Here’s another question that comes up once we actually get a game going. Do we play to the hilt, getting deeply into it and making our moves slowly, savoring every moment? Or is it to be a fast-paced 'quickie', perhaps to be followed by another and another, should the mood last? Generally speaking, I’m the slow, intense one, while she’s the fast, light player. (roles normally reversed)

Who takes the lead? This is a real sticking point with us. I want to play games all the time, but I don’t want to keep asking her to play. She wants to play now and then, but she wants me to do the asking. To my mind, it’d be simpler if she just let me know when she was in the mood. But I guess she doesn’t know if she’s in the mood until I ask. So, I’m always having to psych myself up to ask, and risk being rejected again. (sigh - we're all with you bro)

How much variety? She’s always up for something new (yabadabba doo). If she’s not learning something new, she’s bored, and she’s very unpleasant when she’s bored. As long as a game provides new patterns or problems or challenges to explore, she’s happy to replay it; but if we play too often, she feels she has exhausted the possibilities (even though I know she really hasn’t). Me, I’m usually content with the tried-and-true.

Under what conditions? Sometimes ambience can factor in. She’s an outdoor person (give it a try, it can be fun), while I’m more an indoor kind of guy.

How do you see it?



6 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Justin Rio
United States
Bellevue
Nebraska
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
domus_ludorum wrote:
I know you said you didn't want to digress into other areas of life but I suspect that if you substitute "sex" for "a game" in the text below it holds true for that aspect of many relationships as well as games - I have shortened some of Patrick's text somewhat.


Not sure or not if you meant that, but I would agree in a non-haha way.
What I see here isn't a problem of picking the right game, the right time, the right mood, none of that.
It is exactly what you wanted to avoid, a topic which is not game-related. It is relationship-related. And if you substituted "sex" and used "sex" advice, you might find it works pretty well. I'll not cross any other boundaries publically without further prompting.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
p55carroll
United States
Minnesota
flag msg tools
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby.
badge
If I were to hang my head, I'd miss all the rainbows. And I'd drown in raindrops instead.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
domus_ludorum wrote:
I know you said you didn't want to digress into other areas of life but I suspect that if you substitute "sex" for "a game" in the text below it holds true for that aspect of many relationships as well as games . . .


In my first draft of the initial post, I started with something like, "Isn't it uncanny how the quest for a satisfactory gaming arrangement parallels the quest for the 'S' thing we can only discuss in the RSP
forum?"

I went on to illustrate some of the parallels, speaking in the first person but drawing upon slightly exaggerated scenarios that would likely be familiar to others. Then, after sleeping on it and hemming and hawing awhile, I decided to deflect the discussion back toward games and game players. But of course some readers are seeing through that and picking up the original line of thought.

I really don't want to discuss the "S" thing here; it belongs in the RSP forum (or better yet, in private discussion offline). But my main point still stands: I do see compatibility as the thing that's likely to make or break a satisfying gaming life. And the reason, of course, is that gaming is one aspect of a relationship (just as sex is another aspect of certain relationships). What applies to a relationship as a whole is reflected in the various aspects of that relationship.

In short: you're going to be happier gaming (or doing anything) with someone you can get in sync with than with someone whose preferences vary a lot from your own. And I think there are some gender-related differences that regularly affect couples gaming--as evidenced by the many discussion threads on that topic.

No, the initial post is not a backhanded expose of my marital life (on rereading, it comes close here and there, but it's way off in other areas; I find myself alternately blushing and laughing). But it ends up coming across like that because of the parallel I was originally trying to set up.

Basically, I was looking to present familiar scenarios--things others would be able to relate to--in order to generate replies like, "Oh, yeah, I've experienced that" or "That's never been a problem for me" or "I used to run into that, but I changed my approach and got around it."

All in reference to game playing, though--which is the aspect of relationships this forum is all about.

Oh, and one more point to clarify: I write in the first person and give close-to-home examples as a way of inviting others to reply in kind. I'm not soliciting help or anything. My own situation (gaming and otherwise) is manageable, thank you very much. But I've seen enough BGG threads that indirectly speak of compatibility issues that I see it as a topic of general interest.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Justin Rio
United States
Bellevue
Nebraska
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
"That's never been a problem for me." She does things she doesn't want to for me, and I do things I don't want to for her. This relates to gaming, as well as all other parts of our life.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
p55carroll
United States
Minnesota
flag msg tools
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby.
badge
If I were to hang my head, I'd miss all the rainbows. And I'd drown in raindrops instead.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
IndyOfComo wrote:
"That's never been a problem for me." She does things she doesn't want to for me, and I do things I don't want to for her. This relates to gaming, as well as all other parts of our life.


I guess lots of people are like that, come to think of it. I once read that there are basically four kinds of people in the world, and only one of those types seeks a soul mate (someone they're always perfectly in sync and naturally in harmony and empathetic agreement with). The other three types dismiss that as an unrealistic fairy-tale dream and pursue a more down-to-earth, give-and-take relationship.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Justin Rio
United States
Bellevue
Nebraska
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Maybe so, but if you're thinking "never been a problem for me" means the latter three types, I whole-heartedly disagree. I would say that soul mate and give-n-take are in the same relationship, but that would require getting into the 'R' part of RSP.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
p55carroll
United States
Minnesota
flag msg tools
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby.
badge
If I were to hang my head, I'd miss all the rainbows. And I'd drown in raindrops instead.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
IndyOfComo wrote:
I would say that soul mate and give-n-take are in the same relationship, but that would require getting into the 'R' part of RSP.


Oh, let's not go there! (I've probably gone too far as it is.) I'm using the term "soul mate" as it appears in Webster's ("a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament"), not in any religious sense.

Intimate relationships are complex and varied, and I do believe there's a spiritual dimension to all of them. But I've been trying to stick to just the area of personality matchups (or clashes, as the case may be).

 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Jeff Miller
United States
Ogden
Utah
flag msg tools
badge
Working through the night Jeff fixed the broken link. After being fixed the broken link became Jeff's BGG profile.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Wow, it's like you've been a fly on the wall in my own home.

I mean seriously, if you wrote that as a geeklist, I couldn't help but have thumbed every post.

thumbsupthumbsupthumbsupthumbsupthumbsup
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Front Page | Welcome | Contact | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Advertise | Support BGG | Feeds RSS
Geekdo, BoardGameGeek, the Geekdo logo, and the BoardGameGeek logo are trademarks of BoardGameGeek, LLC.