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Subject: Van Helsing is on FX. rss

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And I'm watching it, for the first time. I'm only 30 minutes in to it, but it looks like the best praise I can give to it so far is, "Well, it's better than Catwoman."
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Joe Gola
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ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!
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OK, I just saw some vampire/harpy thing pick up a cow and throw it into a church. This movie makes Knowing and The Happening look like Academy material.
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Why are the best visual representations of werewolves always in films like this? I do like the special effects in Van Helsing.
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I noticed one of the wounds on the flying vampire harpies was moving independently of her body, and then she said, "Too bad, so sad." It's really a shame that Joel Hodgson is no longer doing MST3K.
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shake Just wait until "operatic Frankenstein" shows up...see if you can identify the warped and tactless rip-off from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. shake
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João 'Finding a new way to make you WTF today' Marum
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Van Helsing is one of those rare movies that are so awful they're bloody awful. It's perhaps one of the worst movies ever made.

The best part is that people who see the trailer of Solomon Kane say that that movie ripped off from Van Helsing.

facepalm.jpg it's all I say.
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MGBM wrote:
Van Helsing is one of those rare movies that are so awful they're bloody awful. It's perhaps one of the worst movies ever made.

The best part is that people who see the trailer of Solomon Kane say that that movie ripped off from Van Helsing.

facepalm.jpg it's all I say.



shake There's another recent vampire flick that makes Van Helsing look like high art--Bloodrayne. Oof what a fiasco! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...shake
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Verkisto wrote:
OK, I just saw some vampire/harpy thing pick up a cow and throw it into a church. This movie makes Knowing and The Happening look like Academy material.


I'm not sure I see the problem here. Since when is throwing cows not awesome?
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Joe Gola
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One of the big problems with the movie (I mean besides the grating noisiness of it and the ubiquitous stupidity) is that the characters are basically indestructible. They'll get thrown fifty feet, bounce off a stone wall, and hit the ground running, so when you see a horde of monsters charging at them, it's like, who cares?
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cabalzero wrote:

shake There's another recent vampire flick that makes Van Helsing look like high art--Bloodrayne. Oof what a fiasco! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...shake


Are we bashing Uwe Boll again?
Yeah, he really is a cheap target.
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Gola wrote:
One of the big problems with the movie (I mean besides the grating noisiness of it and the ubiquitous stupidity) is that the characters are basically indestructible. They'll get thrown fifty feet, bounce off a stone wall, and hit the ground running, so when you see a horde of monsters charging at them, it's like, who cares?

There was also that scene with the werewolf, Kate Beckinsale's character, and her brother. I forget exactly how it went (I'm attempting to block it from my memory, after all), but it seems like her brother was about six miles up a tree, with a werewolf in a cage, and then the cage dropped, broke open, and the werewolf ran after Kate. She stops at a cliff, the werewolf mere steps behind her, and then her brother pops up out of nowhere and shoots the werewolf. Is her brother supposed to be Barry Allen? Because I can think of no other explanation for how he got ahead of them.
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Teleport!

BTW this movie is so awful, so awful, that I don't know which is a worst form of torture: this, or Alone in the Dark.
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My biggest disappointment with the movie was that there wasn't a scene where someone is looking up at the sky shouting "VAN HELSING!!!!!"* This would ideally have been a crane shot, maybe even in the rain.

That would have really helped the movie.

I did like the idea of the Q gadgeteer monks though.



* Sometimes I do this as a general cry of outrage. Try it! It's fun. VAN HELSING!!!!!!!!
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That's it! Just out of spite, I'm going to watch this movie the next time I have the chance, and I'm going to enjoy it, dammit.
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João 'Finding a new way to make you WTF today' Marum
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tatoolo wrote:
That's it! Just out of spite, I'm going to watch this movie the next time I have the chance, and I'm going to enjoy it, dammit.


Good luck with that!
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tatoolo wrote:
That's it! Just out of spite, I'm going to watch this movie the next time I have the chance, and I'm going to enjoy it, dammit.


I dare you enjoy it. It is impossible
 
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tatoolo wrote:
That's it! Just out of spite, I'm going to watch this movie the next time I have the chance, and I'm going to enjoy it, dammit.


What...what have I done? It was terrible. cry

That said, it's the best movie about Van Helsing I've ever seen.
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