Euros are better with dice!
In a undisclosed location
At an unspecified time
Jar Jar Binks: Misa thinka we going playsa Spaisa...
Yoda: Hush, the agents of the Dark Side everywhere are.
Jar Jar: Misa don't think misa getsa.
Yoda: Like the Trade Federation this is; on top some bosses then lots and lots of attorney droids. With them, would you want to mess?
Jar Jar: Ah, now misa gets it.
Game but just
To avoid a trademark
Qui-Gon Jin: Pardon for being late.
Luke: Have a seat, master Qui-Gon. We were just beginning on the rules.
Qui-Gon Jin: So that infringement thing?
Luke: Hasn't happened yet.
Yoda: The Force transcends all time. Letter of Cease and Desist coming I feel.
Luke: Worry not, master Yoda. I won't fail you. I'm not afraid.
Yoda: Oh! You will be. You will be.
Our Heroes must
Use their skills and
Ingenuity in devising
Ways to counter impeeding
Lawsuits while at the same time
Fighting off hordes of Tyran...
Luke: Dictatrons, we will be fighting hordes of Dictatrons. You will each command a squad of Cosmos Navy Extinguishers. Jar Jar, you'll take the Sanguine Seraphim, Master Qui-Gon, you'll have the Royal Paws and Master Yoda, you will play the Very Deep Blues.
Yoda: Umm, skilled have you become. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
Jar Jar: But disa rule manual say disa not Sanguine Seraphim. Disa Blood Ang*urgh*.
Qui-Gon: You almost got us sued. Are you brainless?
Jar Jar: I spake.
Qui-Gon: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Jar Jar: Misa able to reed too.
Qui-Gon: May the Force be with us!
A bit of rules explaining later...
Jar Jar: Disa ere rule manual say disa game for two playa. We four playa.
Luke: We are using a modified version of the first edition rules with some of the Afterlife Aeirlon expansion and the new box.
Jar Jar: Misa don't find dat in da rules.
Qui-Gon Jin: That's because there are many realities in the universe, some of them quite harsh. One reality that is inescapable is that there is nothing more valuable than a friend. But I feel about ready to revise that last statement.
One round of soothing everyone's feelings later...
Luke: So, are you all ready to enter the Derelict?
Jar Jar: Ya, misa ready, misa troopa ready. Misa commanda ready.
Yoda: Begin, we shall.
Jar Jar: Misa flam...
Jar Jar: Ya, misa fire guy will throw fire down disa lane.
Qui-Gon Jin: That will kill all of your Troops.
Jar Jar: Ops, misa almost cause-ed one itty bitty axadente.
Qui-Gon Jin: Now I know you were not banished for being clumsy.
Luke: We'll put your fire guy here on the other end of the line.
Jar Jar: But disa rule manual say de fire guy must stand with de otha troopas.
Qui-Gon Jin: Ops, look at that, your fire guy fell of the table and is gone.
Jar Jar: Misa don't see dat in da rules.
Qui-Gon Jin: It's in the online errata.
One further round of soothing everyone's feelings later the game begins...
Luke: Master Qui-Gon, my Dictatrons rush your position and charge into your Extinguisher and [rolls dice] rips through his Force Plate. Jar Jar, these Dictatrons do the same to you.
Jar Jar: Misa troopa gonna stop it with hisa, err...
Luke: Fulmination pincers.
Jar Jar: Misa did it! Misa did it! Misa troopa alive.
Qui-Gon: I don't see why his Extinguisher should be able to parry and not mine.
Jar Jar: Misa think yousa jealous cause misa troopa got four lightsabres in each hand and yousa only got one!
Qui-Gon: If misa don't shut up misa going to get a light saber up his wazzo.
Yoda: Beware the power of the Dark Side.
Qui-Gon: Yes, master Yoda.
The heroes delve further into the Derelict...
Jar Jar: Misa troopa going to knock on da wall.
Jar Jar: Disa dictathinga comma from da wall. Misa troopa gonna knock on da wall.
Jar Jar: What happen?
Luke: Nothing happens.
Jar Jar: Den misa troopa gonna knock on da wall again. What happen now?
Luke: Now a hatch opens and a guy from marketing says: we're not going to retain you for the sequel.
Jar Jar: WHAT? Come on, chicks dig me. I mean, misa popular!
As the Extinguishers approach the Dictatrons' main lair...
Jar Jar: Misa fire troopa gonna shoot down da door!
Qui-Gon: Idiot! You'll fill kill every one of us.
Jar Jar: Misa fire troopa not fire at all this game. Misa troopa sad!
Qui-Gon: Yousa troopa gonna be dead!
Jar Jar: Misa troopa don't care. Misa troopa fire!
[Physical Force Manipulation]
Qui-Gon: How can he fire when he's crushed, huh, huh?
Luke: You know, it took me four hours to paint this miniature...
Yoda: Dark day for the Force this is.
The Extinguishers terminate the Dictatrons.
Luke: Congratulations, you win. Want to play a filler?
Qui-Gon: I'd rather be struck by a lightsaber than play with this moron again.
Jar Jar: Count misa outta dis one! Better dead den here.…
Qui-Gon: That could be arranged.
Jar Jar: Yee guds, whata mesa sayin?!
Yoda: Something wrong with this gathering is.
Luke: Come on, make up, we'll play again next week.
Qui-Gon: I'll pass, Lucas' got me on autograph duty.
Jar Jar: Yah, misa gotta work as boombad General.
Yoda: Luke, games where fine print states "special help: Palpatine Industries" dark in the Force are.
Luke: Yes, perhaps we should play something more cooperative next time.
And everyone lived happily ever after...
... except for Qui-Gon Jin who was struck by a lightsaber.
... and Yoda who kicked but then suddenly grew old and died.
... and Luke who had to move out of his aunts basement and become a rebel general, a position of much responsibility and crappy pay
... and Jar Jar who singlehandedly voted the Republic out of existence and helped create the Empire.
But everyone else was just peachy.
(Disclaimer: I do like Space Hulk.)
Sorry mate, anything with Jar Jar in it can't get a thumb - its a fanatic thing, you understand.