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Grant Johnson
United States
Cedar Park
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Well me known for eating cookie when me don't they shout
Look! He try to throw loyal fans a curve!
Before I begin the report, I want to give a special thanks to Gola for all his contributions to the site, and specifically his great session report on Amun Re. The enjoyment I had reading that report is what prompted me to start writing session reports. And that report was the inspiration for this particular missive.

The following journal was recovered from a long abandoned tunnel, by a group of adventures searching for nicer apparel. Apparently visiting a clothier was out of the question. There’s a widely held misconception that the most fashionable accessories are hidden underground.

Year One

In a magical faraway land there lived three aspiring young masters of evil who hoped to one day to have dungeons to call their own, where they could stash all their loot and it would be safe from pesky do-gooders. These three were known as Grantred the Sinister, Biggus Dicktatorus, and Lauridien the Ethically Neutral.

Now Grantred had great evil in mind and intended to terrorize the local populace. But evil deeds are strictly regulated and the Ministry of Dungeons required that all sorts of forms be filled out in triplicate and examinations be given before any naughtiness occurred. And so Grantred said "I am more than capable of managing my own evil empire- leave me be!" But many Demons were instead brought to enforce the will of the Ministry, and Grantred grudgingly accepted the authority of the governing body.

And as the time of testing grew near, the Ministry of Dungeons grew upset, for the procedures manual clearly stated that four Dungeon Lords must be tested simultaneously. And to fulfill this requirement, they found the first passerby and pressed him into service. His name was Ignoramus Randomus, and he had just fallen off the turnip truck.

And Grantred decided that he would observe the fine print in the Laws of Dungeoneering to impress the examiners. He obtained permits for digging tunnels and prepared a magic room so the imps in the dungeon could raise families of their own, per the Evildoers Medical Leave Act. He hired a Troll and Witch to ensure that the rooms were vigilantly guarded by ethnically diverse employees. He installed nice trap doors that would protect his tunnels and also meet OSHA safety regulations, which he thought was pretty sweet. And he even pretended to be nice to the townsfolk as an excuse to spy on the mages training at the local college so he would know what the nasty adventures had planned for Fall raiding season.

And Dicktatorus prepared his dungeon, but he did not consider any of the design standards or regulations as enforced by the Ministry. He greedily mined for gold and threw it around recklessly. And he built rooms where he could counterfeit currency and undermine the Ministry's authority. He showed blatant favoritism in choosing employees. The Vampires he hired consistently broke the town curfew, which local law enforcement blamed on rowdy teenagers. And strong heroes were hired to prevent juvenile delinquency, who were later reassigned to Department of Hometown Security and Dungeon Uprooting.

And so Grantred watched as two warriors and a thief made preparations to reach his dungeon. And he smiled as two wizards and a stronger thief made their way to Dicktatorus' dungeon. And they both scoffed at Lauridien, for she had spent her time kissing up to the townsfolk, who then told thieves the secrets of her dungeon.

And when the Fall raids were concluded Grantred had lost a tunnel at the dungeon entrance, while Dictatorus threw money at his problems in the form of Cursed Rings. And Lauridien was greatly ashamed, for most of her dungeon was conquered and one of the thieves escaped. And Grantred took note of the 7 examination titles: he was as evil as the other dungeon lords, had more tunnels, imps and riches than the others, and was holding serve with the number of monsters he had hired. And he thought "The other examinees are unworthy" and sent his minions to deface Dictatorus’ dungeon with spray paint and catchy slogans. And Dictatorus said "Who has done this thing?" and he did go over to Grantred’s dungeon and knocked on the door in anger. But Grantred had soundproofed his Magic Room and Dictatorus’ minions were forced to clean up the mess.

Year Two

And Grantred decided that he was fulfilling the exact wishes of the ministry and would not change his methods. And so he sent his minions to obtain mining permits. But the Ministry of Dungeons limited the amount of mining that Grantred could do on his own property, and Grantred was soon broke. He attempted to buy food, but as his monetary supplied had dwindled the minions were sent away emptyhanded.

And Dictatorus' Vampires continued to terrorize the villagers, leaving flaming bags of dragon droppings at the local weaving huts. And the villagers concluded that Witches were responsible for all the trouble. They paraded to Dicatotorus’ dungeon with torches and pitchforks. And Dictatorus foisted the blame on Grantred’s Troll, who was dragged away and sentenced to 400 hours of community service.

And despite the impending tax season Grantred was unable to get permits for mining more than 2 gold pieces every three months, for the other examinees did not consider the impending taxes. And Grantred realized that he would need to choose between paying his monster and paying his taxes. And so Grantred bought a minimal amount of food and hid his debt collection notices underneath his copy of Evil Dungeonkeeping.

And in the end Grantred's image was destroyed amongst the villagers and a thief with two weak priests were sent to his dungeon. And he struggled mightily to capture them and most of his tunnels were conquered, and the local townsfolk no longer feared him.

And Dictatorus' dungeon was cleared of adventurers so quickly that the Vampires took some time off to write their memoirs. These memoirs sold well to adolescent girls in the village and the Vampires were able to purchase automobiles with loud stereo systems and massive subwoofers, and the peace of the decent townsolk was forever destroyed.

And in the end Dictatorus was the Lord of Dark Deeds, the Lord of Halls, and the BattleLord. And Lauridien was the Tunnel Lord and the Monster Lord. And Grantred's careful observation of the Ministry's standards led him to be Lord of the Imps and Lord of Riches, for he had been unable to use all of his traps. So the examiners stamped Dictatorus' license 25 times, and also stamped Lauridien's license 3 times. And Grantred was told by the ministry of Dungeons that he had fallen just one mark short of passing, but that if he would be willing to submit new paperwork along with 15 gold pieces, he would be allowed to reapply in two years.

And Grantred looked at the Ministry of Dungeons staffers and said, "You are the crappiest evildoers ever."

And Grantred was then hit with the full force of their bureaucracy in a way too horrible to describe, but suffice it to say that he was thinking back fondly on the times when he was only struggling to make payroll. And he was intensely audited, and he was placed on a "No Dragon Flight" list, and his wages were garnished for the next 3000 years.

These events spanned two years, though the journal containing this record was read in 130 minutes.
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