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Subject: The Nellie Contest , or How I won my free game rss

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Dick Jarvinen
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Conquest Gaming graciously gave me permission to post my winning entry to their Nellie Contest, and thus you will find it belowwithwhere. Russ also says he will (eventually) publish the official answers, and I'm holding him to that!

And thanks to Conquest Gaming and their generosity; a very nice prize, indeed.

So without further ado...


NB: The post I made in the bgg forums may have something to do with the tone of the following.

What I find most interesting about the Warlords of Europe map is that in no corner, in no hidden mountain region, in fact ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE does it even hint that the strongest army fielded by the most seasoned general can face up to an opponent who says "Well sure, you have a stronger, better, faster, and more handsome looking army commander than I do but you see... I've got these two cards that means my Archers get to attack you twice before you can blink, and I've got these other cards that say you really can't use your Knights, and if I somehow accidentally lose my boys in battle, they're gonna come back anyway."

What do Tulsa, Nashville, and the map of Warlords of Europe all have in common? Oh geez... well, I have no idea what you had in mind but I did find this: Tulsa, Nashville, Tangiers, and Bejaia all lie on approximately the 36th parallel. Not enough? But wait, there's more! Then how about this: the distance from Tulsa to Nashville is 615 miles, and the distance from Tangiers to Bejaia is 611 miles! Hah! Take that! Your answer COULDN'T be better than mine.

You must know about the Tabula Peutingeriana; looks like you either stole from them, or they stole from you. Say... how old are you guys, anyway?

Morning, noon, evening, or night? "It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun..." + "Let's step into the shadow of these trees" = morning

One of the placenames, coincidentally, is what my son calls my mom. Frank?? Lorraine? Brittany? I'll go with 'Lorraine'.

On the very first colored pencil version of the map, there was a fief that coincidentally shared a name with my favorite time traveling human-hybrid space station commander from the 1990's. The current fief is not called that anymore, but I wonder which one it was? Picard?? Babylon? SISKO???

Did you know that the Four Color Map Theorem states that given any separation of a plane into contiguous regions, the regions can be colored using at most four colors so that no two adjacent regions have the same color? Of course, you guys had those pesky mountains and plains running into each other all the time but still... nice try.

I see the Franks stole a page from the American southwest in creating their own version of Four Corners. The French... you just can't trust them with geography.

"Endless money forms the sinews of war" Tell me about it! (P.S. I also translated the others but... eh...)

Hispania's hold on The Dominions of The Almohades is tenuous, at best. Maybe we could revisit the graphics on that one.

I think you should have made all the coins the same size; might as well make it completely confusing.

You can accurately date the map by noticing that Sicily and Italy are still joined (I estimate it about 145,000 BC)

The feather that the sea monster in the Brittanic Ocean is wearing is a bit out of fashion. I'm not really sure what the sea monster in the German Ocean is wearing.

The chessboard upon which the Lion and the Gryphon are playing doesn't have enough squares; not very squarish either, is it now?

The German Ocean is the only feature on the map discussed on Wikipaedia in colloquial Scottish

Britain I'm just kinda passing over (mostly) Brittan and France; if I had two more weeks, I would probably dig a bit more.
- Ulster
- Belfast
- Hibernia
- Limerick There once was a lady from... never mind...
- Dublin OK, sure, I'll stick the Black & Tan in here. In fact, in virtually every pub.
- Kingdom of Scotland
- Edinburg
- Principality of Wales
- Garth Celyn Luckily I found this is now known as Abergwyngregyn. A very bloody and distressing place
- Milford Haven Once, long ago, I visited here for a business meeting. Nothing important happened.
- Northumbria
- York
- Norwich
- Dover
- Wessex
- Exeter
- Winchester
- London

Kingdom of the Franks
- County of Brittany
- Brest
- Royal Domain of Francia
- Paris
- Orléans
- Tours
- County of Champagne
- Amiens
- Troyes
- Duchy of Gascogne
- Angoulême ... Visigoths, Normans, Protestants... your typical French melodrama.
- Duchy of Aquitaine
- Limoges
- Clermont
- Périgueux From Petrocorii, a Latinization of Celtic words meaning "the four tribes", the Gallic people that held the area before the Roman conquest. Kinda interesting, I guess...
- Duchy of Burgundy
- Dijon
- County of Toulouse
- Foix was the start of Stage 15 in the 2007 Tour de France, and the end of Stage 11 in the 2008 Tour de France. I could do that! Well, not really...
- Narbonne
- Carcassone

- Kingdom of León
- León
- Kingdom of Navarre
- Pamplona
- Kingdom of Portugal
- Porto
- Lisboa
- Kingdom of Castile
- Talavera = Caesarobriga; he just had to put his name on everything he stomped on.
- Toledo
- Kingdom of Aragon
- Zaragoza ... the Spanish Inquisition. This bears looking into.
- Barcelona
- Valencia
- Al-Andalus
- Granada
- Dominions of the Almohades ... founded by Ibn Tumart who is famous for his one-minded zeal in destroying every jug of wine in sight. This was not a 'good' person.
- Tangier
A herb store owner, name of Herb,
Moved to a rainier Mount Rainier.
It would have been so nice in Nice,
And even tangier in Tangier.

Kingdom of Italy
- Ifriqiya
- Bejaia formerly Bugia where 0,1,1,2,3,5---- er... Fibonacci lived for a time, where he learned that the Hindu-Arabic numbering system was a bit better than the clunky Roman one.
- Bona Tools from 85,000BC were found here, another litmus test I used in dating your map.
- Tunis
- Republic of Pisa
- Cagliari = Casteddu (Castle); LOADS of history hire; I gotta visit this place.
- Cardo An important city in Corsica until the Genoese arrived and ruined it in favor of Bastia.
- Kingdom of Sicily
- Syracusa Poor Archimedes; I knew thee well... guess you shouldn't have insulted that Roman Soldier, eh?
- Navoli Italians can't even spell the names of their own cities correctly!
Papal States
- Roma Gee, did anything important ever happen here?
- Spoleto ... medieval history of warfare in a nutshell: Hannibal, Roman civil wars, destroyed by Frederick Bararossa, occupied by Pope Greogry IX, taken over by France... and it has great wine!
- Ancona ... Italian coastal town, spoke Greek, had its own coinage, conquered by Caesar, attacked by Goths, Lombards, and Saracens... not a likely spot for my summer home.
- Lombard League
- Milan
- Republic of Venice
- Venice

Kingdom of Germany
- Duchy of Swabia
- Geneva
- Basel
- Duchy of Bavaria
- Augsburg
- Salzburg
- Ratisbon Peter the Hermit led a mob of Crusaders who attempted to force a mass conversion of the Jews of Regensburg--- er... I mean, Ratisbon--- and killed all those who resisted. The swine!
- Margraviate of Austria
- Vien
- Presburg You spelled Bratislava way wrong. Abolished serfdom in 1848; I suppose that was a good thing.
- Kingdom of Bohemia
- Bautzen has an asteroid named after it. Bet you didn't know that! Also, Wenceslas had something to do with some dirty business in Bautzen in 1408, killing some uppity artisans.
- Prague
- Duchy of Saxony
- Brunswick
- Duchy of Lorraine
- Metz .. captured by Attila in 451! How cool is that?
- Tréves Trèves trivia? Try Trier for Brot und Spiele.
- Polish Principalities
- Kraków
- Włocławek ... the most interesting thing about this town is how hard it is to spell.
- Lublin

Kingdom of Denmark
- Low Countries
- Ghent
- Utrecht
- Groningen
- Holstein
- Kyle I would have spelled it a bit differently than youse guys. I also would probably have stuck it to the northwest of Hamburg.
- Hamburg
- Duchy of Pomerania
- Griffinhagen So very strange; I could only find weather reports about Griffenhagen. Greiffenhagen, on the other hand...
- Jutland
- Aalborg ... in 1516 Aalborg was granted a monopoly in salt herring. My god, they must have had an economic stranglehold on the entire European economy!
- Aarhus ... not far from the highest point in Denmark, towering at 561 feet above sea level. It must certainly have been a bastion of defense in the Middle Ages.
- Ribe... in October 11th, a storm tide floods the city with water levels rising to approximately 18 feet above average. Weak sauce.
- Sjælland
- Havn ... now this is a cool place; Vikings, pirates, smuggling... what's not to like?
- Skaane
- Lund ... has been praised for its cycling infrastructure. 'There are 5000 bike parking spaces in the town, including a multi-story facility, 100 miles of bike paths, and 45% of commuters travel by bicycle. There has been no increase in car usage for the past 10 years.' I could live there.
- Kalmar ... home of the Kalmar Bloodbath where the mayor, the city council, and some nobles were all granted immunity following some religious quibble. They were then invited to a celebration feast where the immunity was suddenly revoked and they were then all executed by hanging or decapitation. Those Swedes... such kidders.

Kievan Rus’
- Livonian Brothers of the Sword
- Memel
- Riga
- Kernavė ... impressive! Sparingly inhabited at the end of the Paleolithic era... hmm... too far back; oldest known medgrinda ( a secret underwater road paved with wood)... that's pretty interesting; International Festival of Experimental Archaeology... that's just bizarre.
- Principality of Polotsk
- Polotsk ...the city has produced players to the Belarusian national bandy team. That... um... doesn't really work, does it?
- Minsk
- Principality of Kiev
- Kiev
- Old Prussia
- Balga was a medieval castle of the Teutonic Knights. Well, I thought it was interesting!
- Löbau
- Black Ruthenia
- Grodno
- Brest Do I get credit for finding the second Brest? Now if you had called it Brest-Litovsk, I would have found it immediately. The Russian Campaign, and all that...
- Pinsk
- Principality of Volhynia
- Vladimir-Volynsky

Kingdom of Hungary Poor Hungary is the only Kingdom that has a seacoast but no sea transport lanes. Didn't you guys read "Sailor of Austria" by John Biggins? Seriously. You need to read it.
- Red Ruthenia
- Peremyshl is interesting because it is the one place on the map where I'm pretty sure nothing important ever happened.
- Principality of Galicia
- Halych
- Zvenigorod ... the most interesting thing about this small town in Galicia is its spelling.
- Sacra Corona Hungaraie
- Buda I was thinking you reversed the positions of Buda and Pest but then realized you sidestepped the issue by not saying if the name of the town pointed to the city on the left/right of the name or above/below the name. Clever dogs.
- Pest I was thinking you reversed the positions of Pest and Buda but then realized you sidestepped the issue by not saying if the name of the town pointed to the city on the left/right of the name or above/below the name. Clever dogs.
- Gran You spelled Esztergom wrong.
- Transylvania
- Alba Iulia
- Walachia
- Tîrgoviste .. Ohhhhhhh! Dracula connections! Very nice.
- Slavonia
- Colocza ... omigod, could you people have got any more obscure? I only learned two things about the Archbishop of Colocza, and I'm pretty sure I've never learned two things of less interest.
- Orsova
- Severin
- Croatia
- Zara

Latin Empire
- Servia
- Ragusa
- Belgrade
- Niasso
- Kingdom of Bulgaria
- Vidin
- Veliko Turnovo = Voliko Turnovo... strongest Bulgarian fortification of the Middle Ages between the 12th and 14th century. I have to admit that I didn't know that.
- Thrace
- Adrianople
- Constantinople
- Kallipolis ... I suspect the only place in the world where a strait of water was punished with 300 lashes (not really sure that Xerxes had it altogether on that day...).
- Kingdom of Thessalonica
- Thessalonica
- Despotate of Epirius ... Aha! You spelled 'Epirus' incorrectly! Bad! Bad!
- Scopia
- Durazzo ... well, I suppose you had to get Albania on the map somehow.
- Principality of Achaea
- Athens
- Empire of Nicaea
- Smyrna

Some not really very interesting bits of tid:
-- All of Britain's fiefs can be reached with sea lanes
-- Germany and Hungary have no sea access at all
-- There is a strange mark after the "Kievan Rus" label, kinda like a superscripted '1'. I have no idea what that is about.
-- Only four fiefs are adjacent to only two other fiefs: Hibernia, County of Brittany, The Dominions of Almohades, and The Empire of Nicea. These would be places to 'hunker down' (that is, if you don't mind a slow, agonizing, economic strangulation).

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Was George Orwell an Optimist?
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Randy Weston - The Spirits of Our Ancestors
djarv wrote:
... you will find it belowwithwhere...

Is that anywhere near Prineville?
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Dick Jarvinen
United States
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Sphere wrote:
Is that anywhere near Prineville?

Actually, it's 16 miles due east of Bend.

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