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Subject: Midgets, baseball, and the end of the world rss

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Goo
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Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
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In the 1940s, some baseball team (I can’t remember which) pinch hit a midget who, to no surprise, walked on 4 straight balls. I think it was the Cardinals (or maybe the Browns). Here’s what I'm thinking. You get a hitter like Bonds over to the AL and DH a midget right in front of him. Or maybe some kinda sideshow qualified not-different-but-special kinda guy who has, say, no torso, and maybe no thighs so that basically his shoulders sit on his knees and the dude, kinda, you know, doesn't even bother to bring a bat to the plate (though it could be digitally added by the good engineers at Fox Sports Net or something like that, so as not to trouble the suburban, white, over-privileged, under-disciplined, neo-perfect kids who watch the game in the back of mom's forty-K-and-change SUV) or who, after being nothing but walked at every single major league at bat, having side-stepped the whole farm system with a let's-face-it guaranteed 1.000 OBP (though being walked every time would make for exactly zero at bats, the stat line would read more like 0.000 BA which baseball superstatisticians would read with a wink and a nod) would eventually just go straight from the dugout to first base after all of the other teams had conceded the player was un-outable (veritably the polar opposite of what we in our neighborhood ballgames called the automatic out, or what is currently in the MLB just referred to as Todd Hollandsworth), though they were frantically contacting various exiled or hermited eastern European doctors-slash-cosmological-landscapers to perform the-word-controversial-doesn't-even-come-close operations on Guatemalan kids who, being unfortunately allergic to coffee beans, really have no career option that doesn't have the phrase "door stop" in the list of duties and being close enough to "succeeding" in said operations (understanding the morally ambiguous use of the term "success" here) are able to strike a deal with all-but-one-or-two human rights groups who, it goes without saying, have been getting their respective panties-and-slash-or-whitie-tighties in downright half-hitch and figure-eight knots over the whole nationwide-news worthy ordeal to have the good engineers at Fox Sports Net simply digitally add the three-foot-nothing, armpit-on-kneecap, un-outable (saying nothing about the "person's" sexual orientation and their position w-r-t the proverbial "closet"), "door stop" survivor as a graphic that shows up on first base whenever Bonds comes to the plate thereby assuring all HRs result in at least two RBIs and all base hits result in a, in the vernacular, Todd Hollandsworth at second base and the stepford children in their moms' SUVs are treated to only a video-game type addition to the MLB, which let's be honest again here, no one is watching anyway, instead of a surgically deformed lump of limbs and clubhouse-coffee-related hives which compels them not to be repulsed by the inhumane treatment of third-world-door-stops-to-be which might, in turn, inspire the suburban, socially-volatile youths to grow up working to make the world a kinder, better place, but rather being subjected to the fusing of a digitally programmed video "athlete" with the reality of the MLB continue on their hopeless paths of confusing fantasy and reality and spend most of their time performing the-farmers-insurance-guy-better-not-find-out backyard wrestling moves on each other and lying awake at night asking the voices to stop saying, "kill, kill, kill, kill..." which all proceeds swiftly and succinctly to a what-we-all-thought-of-as-kind-of-a-fantasy-but-were-proven-sadly-wrong end of the universe type deal.


-goo
 
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Peter Donnelly
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His record is still in the books
http://www.baseballlibrary.com/baseballlibrary/ballplayers/G...
 
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Kane Klenko
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Despite the fact that I don't like baseball at all, I was really enjoying your journal post. That is, until my head exploded.

I think you may have misplaced these . . . .. .. .. .. ... ... ..... . .. .... ..
I found them over here on the floor.
 
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John O'Haver
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I copied this reply from the Yawn thread.
I read your long post and all I can remember is "baseball", "just a torso" and "kill kill kill." I liked those parts


But dont' get out of shape or nothing but I'm just saying that if you'd read some of GROGnads posts you'd learn how to accent your key points AND somebody might send you some ransom money whether you've kidnapped their cat or not.
 
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The Real and Only
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Incidentally it is quite interesting how often one finds the term "midget" used in society, given that it is a derogatory term on par with certain reacial and ethnic slurs.

Even the link above for the record on another site uses the term midget.
 
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John So-And-So
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Taking offense at the word "midget" is a relatively new phenomenon. The word is over 150 years old and was coined to describe not little people, but a small insect. The "offensive" nature of the word is something that it's been saddled with only in the last 20 years or so. (I got this info from the Oxford English Dictionary). Anyways, my point is that not everyone knows some consider it offensive, as they do certain ethnic or racial slurs.
 
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Randy Cox
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Midget Schmidget
I'm not gonna get my panties in a wad over the lack of the word "little people." I'm not at all convinced that "Indian" or "midget" is anywhere near on a par with intentionally hurtful words for other minorities.

As to this post. I liked it, but don't have a clue what it really means. To rain on your parade, such shenanigans wouldn't be tolerated today, as the Commissioner would intervene "in the interest of baseball," which is what happened after that one fateful plate appearance (not an official at bat) of the lone midget baseball player.
 
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Goo
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Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
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the point
The point of the writing is to show how having "people significantly shorter than me" play baseball might lead to the end of the world. It is not simply the use of "people significantly shorter than me," but it is the combination of having players who are "people significantly shorter than me" play baseball along side Bonds. Let me make a quick outline:

1. A team with Bonds (may or may not be S.F.Giants--doesn't matter) has a "person significantly shorter than me" bat in front of Bonds

2. At some point that "person significantly shorter than me" is recognized as un-outable and is, for the sake of keeping games shorter, just awarded 1st base

3. Evil scientists who start to see the value of "people significantly shorter than me" in baseball start to genetically engineer "people even shorter than the people significantly shorter than me" (these tests and operations are performed on ill-fated coffee allergic boys in places like Guatemala where if you can't pick coffee your vocational aspirations are severely hindered

4. As a response to the unavoidable outcry from human rights organizations, Bud Selig decides to further ruin baseball and just put a ghost runner on 1st before Bonds and remove the motivation for the evil scientists to perform said expirements and operations

5. To keep the viewers at home in step with what is happening, baseball broadcasts start to include a sprite-generated character at 1st base when really, there is no one there (and don't get on my for using the term "sprite"--I don't mean it to mean a "person significantly shorter than me," though of course a true sprite would be shorter than me, but more accurately called "a person even shorter than the people even shorter than the people significantly shorter than me")

6. Spoiled kids of the video game generation will soon be unable to distinguish between reality and video games since when they watch baseball it is further proof that video images and reality aren't so much different (this is an admitted leap in my scenario regarding the end of the world).

7. These kids who can no longer differentiate between video games and reality then go on various rampages of bloody death and destruction, avenging their rage on the world with a white hot intensity of a thousand suns

8. Q.E.D. the world ends


It's just a theory. Don't hold me to it.


-goo
 
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Mike Schmid
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The Madison Midgets
I think I'd just assemble a whole team of these un-outable players... Then we wouldn't even have to play the game! Of course we're going to score infinite runs, but at least the opposing pitcher will get a no-hitter every game! Hell, I could even be in the bullpen, maybe come in to close out the bottom of the 9th in the world series, and get a world series ring for myself!
 
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Dane Peacock
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This post almost killed me
First thing: I hate having to clean up milk off my computer and monitor. When it comes out of my nose it always gives me headaches.

Second thing: I only read out loud, and I only breath at periods. I passed out 5 times.
 
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Goo
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Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
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but you have to take the field at some point
Defense would be a bitch
 
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Chester
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OK, how about a whole team of midgets against one certain Coach Ditka? Ditka is regular sized.

Ditka twenty-tree ta nuttin'

OK, now ya got Rick Mearssss in da Indie 500 against Coach Ditka and a busload a midgets.

Da midgets.
 
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Goo
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Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
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coincidence?
I lost a Geekbuddy today. I'm not even sure who it was. I wonder if this post had anything to do with it. Maybe he read the post and thought, "that's it."

Or maybe he was a midg... "person significantly shorter than me." If so, I'm sorry.

Either way, I feel like I got dumped. Breaking up is so hard. I feel so cold... so very cold.


-goo
 
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Paul Marshall
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Great American Novel
If you were entertained by David's hilarious post, check out The Great American Novel by Philip Roth. It's baseball at its funniest.
 
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John O'Haver
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???????
Is this still here? On the front page? Hell, I better get to journaling and move this along.

Wait, I can't write until tomorrow. I'm playing Wallenstein tonight with cc_TheToph, Richard, maybe Vance von B and parties to be named very soon.


Carry on!
 
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Don Weed
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The low down
The 'midget' incident you are referring to is one perpetrated by the immortal Bill Veeck ('as in wreck....'). It was a publicity stunt that was done by signing Eddie Gaedel (the midget) and sending the contract to the commissioners office after the office had closed. The at bat went on the next day before the contract could be reviewed by the commish. Obviously, the contract was voided by the front office after the plate appearance was over. Too bad though. It could have brought whole new meaning to the 'shortstop' position.
 
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The Real and Only
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One thing I can say for sure....

Midgets are SOOO cool.....

Did you know that royalty used to collect dwarves and midgets? Peter the Great was known throughout Europe has having one of the most extensive and prized collections.

It all goes back to what I have always said...

Germans love David Hasselhoff........
 
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John O'Haver
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Is it still ok to say
"midget submarine?" Or are we using miniature submarines now? That implies a submarine too small for anyone to ride in though. Maybe even microscopic like the one in that movie, the name of which escaped me the moment I started to type it.

I disagree with koldfoot on his thead. Memory is the first thing to go.
 
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The Real and Only
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Oh and by the way John,
Taking offense to the use of the N word describing black people is also a relatively new phenomenon. Doesnt take away from the fact that MANY people find it offensive.

I personaly am not offended since I am neither black, nor height challenged.

However if I were black, or height challenged I may find the use of both terms offensive.

The use of the term Midget is just as offensive to "Midgets" as using the term N@##$r is to black people.

Once again, because I am Heinze 57 I am not offended. But if someone used the term "A1", I might get upset.
 
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