The greatest insult I've seen (too long for this youtube clip) was from Talk Radio (my bold emphasis added, below):
"Believe it or not, you make perfect sense to me. I should hang. I'm a hypocrite. I ask for sincerity, and I lie. I denounce the system as I embrace it. I want money and power and prestige. I want ratings and success. I don't give a damn about you or the world. That's the truth.
"For this, I could say I'm sorry, but I won't. Why should I? I mean, who the hell are you anyways, you audience? You're on me every night like a pack of wolves, 'cause you can't stand facing what you are and what you've made. Yes, the world is a terrible place. Yes, cancer and garbage disposals will get you. Yes, a war is coming. Yes, the world is shot to hell, and you're all goners. Everything's screwed up, and you like it that way, don't you?
"You're fascinated by the gory details. You're mesmerized by your own fear. You revel in floods, car accidents, unstoppable diseases. You're happiest when others are in pain.
"That's where I come in, isn't it? I'm here to lead you by the hands through the dark forest of your own hatred and anger and humiliation. I'm providing a public service. You're so scared. You're like a little child under the covers. You're afraid of the bogeyman, but you can't live without him. Your fear, your own lives, have become your entertainment.
"Next month, millions of people are gonna be listening to this show, and you'll have nothing to talk about! Marvelous technology is at our disposal. Instead of reaching up to new heights, we're gonna see how far down we can go. How deep into the muck we can immerse ourselves.
"What do you wanna talk about, hmm? Baseball scores? Your pet? Orgasms?
"You're pathetic. I despise each and every one of you. You got nothing, absolutely nothing. No brains, no power, no future. No hope. No God. The only thing you believe in is me. What are you if you don't have me? I'm not afraid, see? I come in every night, make my case, make my point, say what I believe in! I tell you what you are. I have to. I have no choice. You frighten me. I come here every night, tear into you, I abuse you, I insult you, and you just keep coming back for more.
"What's wrong with you? Why do you keep calling? I don't wanna hear it anymore. Stop talking! Go away!
"You're a bunch of yellow-bellied, spineless, bigoted, quivering, drunken, insomniatic, paranoid, disgusting, perverted, voyeuristic, little obscene phone callers. That's what you are. Well, to hell with you. I don't need your fear and your stupidity. You don't get it. It's wasted on you. Burros before swine."
2nd, 6th and 7th Wisconsin, 19th Indiana, 24th Michigan
24th Michigan Monument Gettysburg Pa
Years ago I had a friend who was an author. He started writing a book series where the hero was an Arabic merchant with a talent for the creative insult. Things like "May warts grow on the inside of your nose oh drinker of camel's piss". After a while friends were helping him with insults. He'd get home and his answering machine would have multiple messages on it that were simply insults. The phone would ring and he'd answer, be insulted and go "That's a good one" and write it down.
My wife accidentally and hysterically swore at a dinner one night. We were at a convention and were having dinner at the big banquet. They had those big banquet tables that seated 10 or 12 and being an English Porcelain collectibles convention most of the folks at our table were British friends of ours. My wife was having a good time and they were talking about someone. My wife decided to be funny and called him a "wanker" which she had heard on British TV a few times and thought it sounded funny. The people at the table laughed and one of them said "Judi, that is the first time I've ever heard you swear". My wife got a shocked look on her face and I leaned over and whispered to her telling her what the word meant. She turned bright red which of course just set the entire table off into a laughing fit.
My personal favorite is the late (and missed) Jon Candy's tirade tearing into his niece, Mazey's, elementary school principal. It's the section where he just rips on the mole on her face and ends by saying, "Here's a quarter, why don't you go down to the docks and have a rat gnaw that off your face." Or something to that effect.
Although this became a popular catch phrase in our home for awhile (and still gets pulled out from time to time), I have never gotten it.
Can someone spell this one out for me? I'd be eternally grateful.
I watched it with commentary (Yes, I really did) and Jared Hess said that he and the guy that plays Kip were at a show in a club and the openers were these young guys. Some guy was there heckling them. When the lead singer said, "We're working our way through college," or something like that, the dude yelled back, "Your mom goes to college!" They thought it was the funniest thing and stuck it in the film.
Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn! With cheeze!
From the Jose Ferrer Cyrano:
Le Bret: Alone, yes! --But why stand against the world? What Devil has possessed you now, to go everywhere making yourself enemies?
Cyrano: Watching you other people make friends everywhere-- as a dog makes friends! I mark the manner of these canine courtesies and think: "My friends are of a cleaner breed; Here comes, thank God, another enemy!"