Recommend
1 
 Thumb up
 Hide
52 Posts
1 , 2 , 3  Next »   | 

BoardGameGeek» Forums » Everything Else » OLD BGGBlogs (do not use)

Subject: OT: Identity Crisis rss

Your Tags: Add tags
Popular Tags: [View All]
Valerie Putman
United States
Columbus
Ohio
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
The identity crisis of Dr. S/Mrs. P

I am an academic who recently married and kept my maiden name professionaly. I am published as Dr. S, my students refer to me as Dr. S daily, and it has been my self-identity for 30 years. But I recognize that I live in a culture that still expects a woman to sacrifice her identity when she marries (though this is slowly changing) and so my plan was to take my husband's name for non-academic life. But I was still being called Dr. S regularly and no one ever referred to me as Valerie Putman--so it really didn't stick. It actually wasn't until I attended a gaming convention last weekend and I started posting here after returning--where people only knew me as Valerie Putman, that it finally started to sink in as a real part of my self-identity. I can also see the benefits--people who google me now (a common hobby for many) get access to only one world. Students who google me get the academic stuff and gamers who google me...well you get my board game geek profile and that's about it. But I think I like that my students no longer get my board game geek profile. I do like to have some privacy in my personal life. (I know you can easily deduce what the S stands for in Dr. S by just looking at my login ID--if a gamer wants to google my professional name I could care less.)

Anyway, I am just babbling about something that has been weighing on my mind, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on two specific points....

1) Men...put yourselves in our shoes for a minute. How would you feel if you were asked to give up your identity as a result of a commitment you had made. For example, what if Josh Adelson (a dear, dear, friend that we all miss since he moved far away) was required to give up the MisterCranky title? Wouldn't we all be more than a little sad? And confused when some new name pops up claiming to be "the real MisterCranky"? (Which is why I kept my name professionally--it can be a nightmare trying to document that publications under a different name are really yours when you go on the job market.) Think about all the places your last name is potentially used--email addresses, login IDs, memberships, etc. How confusing would it be to have to change all of that?

2) For those of you who don't have a clever login ID or name on BGG, do you have any amusing stories of what happened when someone googled you and found your BGG profile?
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Brian Sherry
United States
Great Falls
VA
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
I'm not sure if I'm answering your question, but I understand completely the difficulty of changing one's name. I have wanted to change my last name to my mother's maiden name for a long time, but it seems like too much of a hassle.
My fiancee is keeping her last name when we marry. I'm kind of surprised by your solution, which frankly seems even more complicated: keep both names!!?

The real problem arises once children come into the picture: do we hyphenate? What happens in a generation or two when Johnny Smith-Adams marries Janey Brown-Carter? Do they name the kids Bobby and Cindy Smith Adams Brown Carter? I don't want my grand kids to sound like a law firm!!
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Valerie Putman
United States
Columbus
Ohio
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
LOL....yeah...that would be bad. And I have second guessed the dual identity thing MANY times.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
United States
Millersville
Maryland
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
That is an interesting story... and I can totally understand why you want to keep your maiden name for your profesional life since you have spent a long time building that names reputation.

I had not yet gotten into a proffessional life when I got married so I didn't have to worry about it. I just knew I didnt' want to marry a "common" last name, or I would have kept my maiden name.

I sort of pride my self in having a name no one knows how to pronounce. My full maiden name was Letitia Leigh Koether. My married name as you can see is also equally difficult for people to pronounce so I was quite happy with it.

I go by Tish though since that is MUCH easier for people to read and figure out how to pronounce.

And for pronouncation guide for those intersted...
Letita = Le tish a
Kother = Ko ther
Soulliard = Soul yerd

... back to your posted topic though....

I remember when Star Trek Voyager started the actress who played B'Elanna Torres had just gotten married and was afraid that people who knew her from before would not recognize her with all her Klingon makeup on, So she hyphonated her name... but then later on she was SO much more famouse from Voyager than she ever was from her previous work that she dropped the hyphon.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
♪ Isaäc Bickërstaff ♫
United States
Greer
South Carolina
flag msg tools
designer
Entropy Seminar:
badge
The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekund lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot.
Avatar
mb
My wife kept her last name when we married. She had adopted her husband's last name during her first marriage, and after her divorce, she had her name changed back because she admired her mother's spirit (she always had) and wanted to keep that connection. She considered taking a hyphenated name when we married, if I agreed to do the same (I was willing to do it), but since both of us have single-syllable last names, we decided it sounded too Anglo-Saxon and just stuck with what we have.

What's interesting is that her grandmother has a difficult time coming to terms with my wife keeping her last name. No matter how many times she explains it to her, her grandmother always sends her cards addressed to her with MY last name. She's accepted that this is just the way it will be, and has stopped trying to explain it.

The only time this has ever been an issue, outside of the family, is when she received a check made out to her with my last name. We had a difficult time explaining that to the bank, partly because my wife refused to sign the check as it was made out to her; I can't say I blame her, since it's a simple thing to understand, given all the ID and the explanations.

Does this answer your question, or am I just rambling?
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Michael Weston
United States
Roswell
Georgia
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
It sounds like you've decided to keep your own name but not make a big deal out of it when someone assumes you followed the tradition of changing your name. Seems a perfectly acceptable middle ground. So in most parts of your life you may remain Staton, but you're not going to freak out and correct people who call you Mrs. P or send a Christmas card to Mr. & Mrs. P.

Use whichever name suits you whenever. A rose by any other name still smells as sweet.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Chief Slovenly
United States
Burlington
Massachusetts
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
1) My wife, after considering hyphenating (and rejecting it because it also sounded way too Kennebunkport WASPy), eventually took my name. It's funny -- while in college, I had my jerktastic stance on prospective mates... that she'd *definitely* take my name. Then a lot of time goes by and I don't give a rat's ass anymore -- I was actually fully in favor of my wife keeping her name.

The trouble is, if you don't change your name right away when you get married, it's a big pain to change it afterwards. Word to the wise.

Our kid(s) are going to take my name as well. That was the reason, ultimately, why she changed. She wanted us to be a full family, under one name, which I certainly respect.

2) I googled myself and found:
Acting stuff (no surprise there)
My harrassment of a certain goofy game publisher (twinge of regret there)
My career in Mexican wrestling (not true, but it'd be cool)
Tagging along on my wife's coattails at film festivals and such

Nothing too embarrassing, except for the crappier things I've been in
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Nate Merchant
United States
New York
New York
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Agreed.

My wife kept her own name and it works well so far. Why should it not? I would never dream of asking a woman to change her name to mine, quite frankly.

Also, my full name as you see is presen t for all to see and yes, if you Google me you get some entries that I've made for5 BGGT.com. And I'm proud of them! It's not like I'm selling porn....that was a long time ago....
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
CHAPEL
United States
Round Rock
Texas
flag msg tools
badge
"that's a smith and wesson, and you've had your six"
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb

Quote:
2) I googled myself and found:
Acting stuff (no surprise there)
My harrassment of a certain goofy game publisher (twinge of regret there)
My career in Mexican wrestling (not true, but it'd be cool)
Tagging along on my wife's coattails at film festivals and such



Besides my game blog, I found out that I was a good cop gone bad, and became a Mafia Hitman.

ninja
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Mark Goadrich
United States
Conway
Arkansas
flag msg tools
designer
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
My wife and I combined our last names when we married; while not the usual solution, it made the most sense to us. It took a little bit of writing a new signature and signing bills to get used to it, but overall it worked out very smoothly.

Of course, googling me is much easier now, as our last name is unique.
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Chief Slovenly
United States
Burlington
Massachusetts
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Quote:
I found out that I was a good cop gone bad


Did you have a supervisor who was always angry and pounding on his desk with his fist?

Did you have a traumatic event in your past that haunted you in your police work?

Did you have a fish-out-of-water partner?

 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Rod Spade
United States
Elizabethtown
Pennsylvania
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Your name may be your "identity" on paper, but it's not who you are. I don't think that taking your husband's last name as a symbol of your unity requires any sacrifice of your "self-identity". (Is "self-identity" a "technical" psychological term?)

I suppose changing your name (or having two names) is a hassle, but if you want to use different names in different contexts, I don't see why that would affect your perception of your "identity".

Or maybe I'm a clueless guy who just doesn't get it....

 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
John Lopez
United States
Tucson
Arizona
flag msg tools
Get off my lawn!
badge
The explanation: Impossible Triangle + TW (my company initials) = my logo.
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
My wife is also published, so she couldn't change her professional name. Frankly, I find the whole "I'm going to change your name" thing a bit silly. Back when women were basically property, it probably seemed more reasonable. Thank goodness for more enlightened times.
2 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
shumyum
United States
flag msg tools
badge
♒♒♒♒♎♒♒♒♒ sloooowly sinking
Avatar
My wife kept her name. One reason is that she is a photographer and her business name has her name in it. But she probably would have kept it anyway. I certainly encouraged it. I'm was in academics too, so it was a common thing in my life and it definitely makes the most sense to me. Our children are Greens (my last name). It was the path of least resistance. There is a small confusion over it about once every three months and then it's forgotten. Either way, it's a big deal at first and then you get used to it. Marriage will bring far more...um...*interesting* issues to the table that bury the name thing.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Chief Slovenly
United States
Burlington
Massachusetts
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Quote:
Marriage will bring far more...um...*interesting* issues to the table that bury the name thing.


Truer words...
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
United States
Millersville
Maryland
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
I was just reminded of a friend of mine whose mom's maiden name was the same as her married name.

So she got the best of both words... granted it was a common last name... Moore.

But she had problems becuase when she would fill out applications and it would say "Last Name" and "Maiden Name" and she filled in the same name in both places, she actually had people rip up her applications because she "did it wrong".
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Jeff M
United States
Bethesda
Maryland
flag msg tools
The key to the treasure is the treasure.
Avatar
My fiance plans to keep her last name when we get married, and I have absolutely no objection to that. I can't see why she should be forced to take my name, nor do I think that anyone in major metropolitan areas really expects a woman to take her husband's name anymore. The issue will probably be moot before a generation is out.

I agree that it's really about self-identity. One's name is one's own -- even if most women that are keeping their last name are simply keeping the last name of another man: in this case, their father.

The trickier question is what to name the kids. In our case, I think we'll stick with my name. It's easier to pronounce, and I think societal expectations are still at the stage where the family would see it as emasculating to not have the kids named consistent with the father's last name.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Kane Klenko
United States
Ridgeway
Wisconsin
flag msg tools
designer
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
My wife has a friend whose last name was Crapp. She always looked forward to the day she could get married and change her name. Well, she finally met a guy and got married. Unfortunately his last name is Gas. I don't think she hyphenated.

I don't think I helped you answer your question, but that's a true story and I always find it amusing. I wonder if the headline above their picture in the newspaper said "Crapp-Gas Wedding"?
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
The Real and Only
United States
Aubrey
Texas
flag msg tools
Avatar
mb
Its all a bit silly isn't it? Who couldn't name tons of different traditions that are silly now a days.

Woman changing their names when they get married.
Men opening doors for women.

Someone spending time with the children instead of the day care, school, or their peers raising them.

Family game night.

Folks should be careful of what traditions they decide to disrespect.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Jesse Miller
United States
Gettysburg
Pennsylvania
flag msg tools
badge
Punk Rock Warlord
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Interesting that so many of the men posting here had their wives retain their last name when they hitched up.

Add me to the list-- Meghan has a very Irish last name, and is proud of her heritage. I really didn't give a rat's butt. When/if we have kids, the situation may become complicated but she has indicated in the past that she would want them to have my name but I'm still ambivelent about it.

My father said that this was an example of "feminism run amok". laugh

Jesse
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Ray
United States
Carpentersville
Illinois
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
How much does anyone really use last names any more? I use my userids (both professionaly and for hobbies) much more than I use my last name (and like Valerie I keep my different worlds seperate by having different userids). I think given time that will become even more dominant (as userids make our first names even more distinct than last names do).

Oh, and I did the same thing with business cards: company logo for work and purple troll counter for game cons (and no one notices the last name there either).
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Mike Adams
United States
Brigham City
Utah
flag msg tools
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
I lived in Spain for some time where it's just the opposite. Everyone keeps their names when they get married. The children then have both last names, the father's first and the mother's second. Nice system when tracing family histories, really.

But I knew one woman who took her husband's last name when she married. It was odd. People just couldn't adjust to it. She was called by both names by different people. She was frequently criticized by others, even worse than what I see in North America when a woman keeps her name upon marriage.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Chief Slovenly
United States
Burlington
Massachusetts
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
Quote:
I use my userids (both professionaly and for hobbies) much more than I use my last name (and like Valerie I keep my different worlds seperate by having different userids). I think given time that will become even more dominant (as userids make our first names even more distinct than last names do).


Or, given enough time, our last names will become the names of the entities we work for (as one semi-comic novel had it)...

Brian Wal-Mart, John Genentech, Mary Coke, Meredith Government...

/soapbox
 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Scott Russell
United States
Clarkston
Michigan
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
to answer your original question, if society had since time began used the woman's name after marriage, I don't think I would have minded. But this is a hypothetical, so I can't be sure.

My wife uses my last name and is used to it now (17 years and counting), to the point that when she sees her maiden name she has to think about it. We didn't really discuss the issue though. I don't think I'd have had a problem with her keeping her last name, but it just didn't come up. We also were sure that she would go back to work after having kids, but that "plan" changed (and not makes no sense to us at all ), so it's really hard to put myself back that far and be sure how things would have worked out if we had discussed it.

We do have some friends that both kept their premarital names and it often leads to confusion. Teachers (and others) assume that they are divorced, my (and other) kids have trouble understanding why the mother's last name isn't the same as their friends and why it's Mr. X and Mrs. Y when they address said parents. One mother said she once had problems retrieving her kid from school because of the name mismatch and an application needing to be located. And Xmas card addresses look cumbersome. In theory, other addressing would, too!

So nothing insurmountable with different names, but definitely some unneeded (IMO) complications. Working with Mexican colleagues exposes the difficulties of hyphenating. They usually keep four last names, then start dropping them.

But if your sense of identity is strongly tied to your name, then I can see why you would hesitate to change yours.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
Chris Shaffer
United States
San Francisco
CA
flag msg tools
badge
Avatar
mbmbmbmbmb
My partner and I both use the same names we used when we met each other. I wouldn't consider it any other way.

When our daughter was born, we thought about giving her one name or the other (mine if a boy, hers if a girl was one possibility), or hyphenating (but what do you do when Smith-Jones hooks up with Thompson-Marks? Name the kids Smith-Thompson-Jones-Marks? And anyway, when you hyphenate, people inevitably drop the first part of the hyphenation). We decided against all that.

We ended up giving our daughter a completely new last name. Talk about confused grandparents.
1 
 Thumb up
 tip
 Hide
  • [+] Dice rolls
1 , 2 , 3  Next »   | 
Front Page | Welcome | Contact | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Advertise | Support BGG | Feeds RSS
Geekdo, BoardGameGeek, the Geekdo logo, and the BoardGameGeek logo are trademarks of BoardGameGeek, LLC.