Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
But my greatest power is this: When Destiny speaks, she speaks to me. She says hi, by the way.
Oh! And I've been killing the bees!
Official record of the B.S.M. Pandora's 10-month maiden voyage. Her mission: explore exotic planets, capture unique fauna and bring it home so scientists can poke it with needles and teach it our language by shouting random words really slowly.
Captain's Log, stardate, uh, I actually have no idea. Um. Is this thing on? Eh? Supervised loading of the freeze-dried McMeat that will sustain us. Hey, this captain's chair is really soft on my butt! Where was I? Oh, I ordered that buttons be pushed to make us go really fast. First stop, a small planet called Mephisto.
Captain's Log, stardate, umm, two months later. Should have hired the guy with Master's Degrees in that alien biology stuff, because the guy I hired as Science Officer is getting on my nerves. Hope he gets eaten right away. Sent him and Weapons Officer Wang to Mephisto with the rover, two bots, an e-cage and some stunbombs.
Summary of field report by Science Officer Smith. Despite the poisonous atmosphere, lack of water and geological instability, optimism abounded, largely due to copious supplies of McMeat. But tension mounted quickly, as I could not get Wang to stop saying, "Hey look, more lava!"
Near the end of the first day, we found a section of abyss (technically, a big hole in the ground) inhabited by a large, sentient, vining plant that nearly snatched Wang when he stumbled within its reach. I apologized for bumping him, but for some reason he insisted I remain in front of him at all times. I ordered Wang to take pictures with the holographer, but he said, "You were supposed to pack that", and I said, "No, you were", and the damn robots refused to take sides. We decided not to tell the captain, since he doesn't read these reports anyway.
The next day, at the limit of our supplies, we finally ran into a new life form. I mean literally, ran right into it, I don't know why I let Wang drive, and I'm shouting, "Hey look, big lizard!", but I guess he thinks I'm trying to be funny, because he runs right over its tail and wakes it up. Luckily, it's as dumb as it is big, and we quickly capture and cage it. In keeping with the ancient starfaring tradition, a new species is named by whoever first shouts out something that's not already taken. I was leaning toward "Big Lizard", but Wang was first out with "Scorsaur." En route to the shuttle, the lizard ate the last of the food. Note to scientists: McMeat does not agree with giant lizards. Seriously.
Captain's Log, stardate something something, we're in freaking space, no day and night, it's really confusing. Orbiting a tiny biosphere planet called Picole. Reprimanded the Science Officer for deliberately mispronouncing it "Pickle." Sent Smith, Wang and Ground Survey Officer Gordon down with the rover, two bots, a netgun, the scanner, e-cages and stunbombs.
Summary of field report by Science Officer Smith. The near weightless environ meant extra cargo capacity for the shuttle. More McMeat! How can there be a tropical climate and plentiful water without atmosphere? I wish I had finished reading Space Travel for Dummies.
Day 1 started well. Through the fog, we spotted a small, butterfly-like creature with shiny wings. We debated whether it was more likely to shoot laser beams or spit venom, but the specibot called us "girly-girls" and flicked the thing into an e-cage. Wang shouted out "Ornifly." How does he come up with this stuff?
Tragedy befell us the following day when we encountered a hideous humanoid with gurgling organs visible inside transparent skin. But "hideous humanoid with gurgling organs visible inside transparent skin" took way too long to shout, and Wang won again with "Glassman." Unfortunately, while we shouted, the creature drew a mofo death ray gun and vaporized Wang and the reconbot. Angered by the loss of Stinky, my robot friend, I poked out the Glassman's eyes and pelted it to death with frozen McMeat lumps.
Despite our recent misadventures, I couldn't help but feel our luck was turning. With Wang out of the way, I got to drive, and Gordon agreed to let me name the next creature. I got my chance within hours, as we came upon a large, mosquito-like insect. But the double-crossing bastard quickly dubbed it "Mirror Fly" as he snatched it out of mid-air and tucked it in a cage.
I wanted to stay and seethe a bit longer, but Gordon jumped behind the wheel and headed for the shuttle. I began to shout at him at first for no good reason, but then about his reckless driving. The rover hit a rock, bounded in the air and went out of control. It flipped and scattered its load. Shaken but not seriously injured, I surveyed the carnage and prioritized my actions. I secured the McMeat, made sure the bot was okay, checked on the Mirror Fly and verified the rover was ruined. Gordon wouldn't stop screaming, so I finally rolled the rover off of him.
Gordon's legs were injured, and he struggled mightily to lug the cage and all the supplies, so I graciously agreed to carry the shuttle keys. His right leg eventually snapped, but not until he dragged himself into the shuttle. My sacrifice clearly made a difference.
Captain's Log, stardate I-don't-care-any-more! I'm bored and I want to eat all the McMeat right now. Time for one more stop. Mezo. Ha. Me so want go home. Won't something please eat my infernal Science Officer? Sent him and Maintenance Officer Meldrick to the planet. Only chance of a successful mission now is to bag several new creatures without incident.
Summary of field report by Science Officer Smith. Heavy gravity severely limited the shuttle's cargo capacity. We could only bring one bot, one stunbomb and some e-cages. We devised a cunning plan in which several creatures would run blindly into our cages without resisting. The robot labeled our plan "amusing but unrealistic."
We wandered for more than a day, burdened by heavy gravity and a poisonous atmosphere, through a fog-shrouded landscape of frozen rivers and glacial ice. The specibot kept mumbling, "I'm freezing my nuts off," but we weren't sure what it meant by that.
We encountered a huge, armored, silicon creature that did not seem to have gotten the memo about surrendering. It reared, crushed the bot like a pop can and tossed us aside. As we flew through the air, I shouted "Crusher" and smirked at Meldrick. I don't think he noticed, probably because of the blood seeping from his eyes and ears. Badly wounded, we abandoned everything and ran. The creature pursued, but fortunately it was slow and ponderous. A belly full of McMeat will do that.
Too battered to explore, we recuperated in the shuttle until the food ran out. We felt much better after riding a buttery waterfall that spiraled down to an underground crystal palace full of beautiful native women and rainbow-colored penguins with singing hats. Note to scientists: Don't eat the mushrooms on Mezo.
Captain's log, stardate four months until we get home so we can be summarily fired. Our haul: two bugs and a big lizard. Our losses: the rover, one specibot, one reconbot and Weapons Officer Wang. We grieve our fallen comrade and are haunted by a single thought: What might we have done differently to ensure the death of the Science Officer instead?
Will need a month to lick our wounds and reorganize before heading home. Which means we'll be a month late. Which means I'll have to explain to my wife that, no, I couldn't call, because I was 10 billion miles away. Talk about roaming charges. And will somebody please give that lizard a breath mint? Sheesh. I do not want to smell that for four months.
End of log.
This session report brought to you by McMeat, the official food-like substance of interstellar travel. Mmm...McMeat. The mystery meat that can't be beat. We can't tell you what's in it, because if we did, you wouldn't eat it!
- Last edited Sun Dec 14, 2008 7:27 pm (Total Number of Edits: 1)
- Posted Thu Mar 10, 2005 11:11 am
1 Player hardcore
No one will likely ever see this comment on an 8 year old session report for a 32 year old game.
So in lonely witness will it stand in recognition of this being one of the funnier session reports on BGG.
Having just finished an absurdly long visit to my first planet with a near weightless gravity rating in which I explored 15 hexes and only had 3 encounters, I am hopeful that I will squeeze out some more planets rapidly in the 28 months of the voyage I have remaining before my wife squashes all future scientific research & exploration efforts.
I saw it.
I remember playing this game in the old country, and now I REALLY want it.
So there, poopyhead.
Has it really been 32 years?
What amazes me is that nothing quite like it has been published over that span. Something about the '80s SF/F boardgame market fueled a Cambrian-Explosion-rivaling adaptive radiation that hasn't been repeated. Was it the combination of component constraints and a more focused market? Or just a ready supply of bored nerds? We may never know.