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Subject: Hey friends, tell me what you think of this? rss

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I read Regretsy from time to time (daily) and I also enjoy her links to her column on Brides.com. She posted this today and I really enjoyed it. What do yous guys think?
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Billy McBoatface
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Well, my wife did most of our wedding planning. It was her day, after all.

But seriously, maybe it is genetic, I don't know, but everything about the wedding was about 10x more important to my wife. Since it was important to her, she made the decisions. I didn't do nothing; I went with her to try all the caterer's, to see all the venues, I did tell her which ones of each I liked best, but I always went along with whatever her final decision was.
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Blorb Plorbst
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I think the day people wise up and realize that extravagant weddings are a waste of time, effort and money we'll see a new recession.

I don't know of a single person who'll tell you they're glad they spent 20 grand on their wedding unless they follow it up with "It was the best part of my first marriage."
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Mystery McMysteryface
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It's an interesting read and she makes some good points. But, it all comes down to the individuals involved and what they actually feel is important. I never liked big, fancy, extravagant weddings, nor could I ever afford one. I did not want a "traditional" wedding with bridesmaids, white wedding dress and veil, and groomsmen, etc. However, I spoke with Mystery Bob about my feelings and told him that I would respect his preferences as it was our wedding, not mine.

He wasn't interested in the trappings of a big wedding either. We picked out the invitations together, his suit, and our rings. I didn't buy a traditional dress either and he was perfectly OK with that.

My biggest fight was with my family who criticized and ridiculed and insulted me from day one about my "ridiculous wedding."

The only thing I kinda planned on my own was the honeymoon, but he agreed to my plans and we both loved our honeymoon.

If I were to do it over, I would have just eloped and perhaps have 2 children instead of just one.

But again, that was us, and what we both wanted. I cannot begin to speak for other women or couples.

My only unsolicited advice is to have the wedding YOU both want and not the one anyone else wants you to have (family, siblings, in-laws, friends, etc.)
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EgorjLileli wrote:
My biggest fight was with my family who criticized and ridiculed and insulted me from day one about my "ridiculous wedding."

Which is why my family would get a notice announcing my already-completed non-fussy wedding (were it ever to happen, which is a vanishingly small possibility at this point)

Quote:
My only unsolicited advice is to have the wedding YOU both want and not the one anyone else wants you to have (family, siblings, in-laws, friends, etc.)

thumbsupthumbsupthumbsupthumbsupthumbsup

I agree that most women I know didn't want their fiance to help plan. American weddings are obscene not only from the expenditure aspect but from the unrealistic expectation of the bride that they are the center of the world and no one else matters. That cannot be good for anyone.
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The most boring wedding I have ever been to cost 75 thousand dollars. That's more money than I have ever seen before.

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Joe Gola
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Quote:
We don't actually want them to be involved at all

On a slightly tangential point, I have discovered that I am a domestic female's worst nightmare, because I actually have opinions on color and patterns and junk. My wife will sashay into the room holding out some fabric samples, fully expecting me to say "it doesn't matter, whatever you want is fine by me, honey butt," and instead I tell her that her favorite pattern looks like it belongs on a chair in a discount pediatrician's waiting room. Oh sure, that color's very nice, if you like being challenged by existence, if you're the sort who sometimes likes a freezing cold shower just because, or if you sometimes eat salad bar items that you secretly detest, like radishes or chick peas, just to build character though adversity. By all means, paint the walls that institutional teal that looks like an electric toothbrush left out in the sun too long. Comfort only breeds complacency. Paint the house a nice cheery color and the next thing you know we'll be in our sweatpants eating chicken straight from the bucket.

And of course the final indignity is that she knows I'm always right.
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Xander Fulton
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The article sez wrote:
He was thinking about staying home and taking a nap, but, by God, if Emily wants to wear a pretty dress and pretend to be a princess, he'll take a quick shower and head down there. It's all about her.


Sooooo...what's wrong with that? That makes sense to me...
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Paul Szilagyi
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April Winchell wrote:
Here's the thing, Cinderella. It's not your day. It's your wedding. And unless you're planning on marrying yourself, that day belongs to both of you.

April Winchell wrote:

Men have already had it made very clear to them that they just don't get it. And I'm not just talking about weddings. You see it over and over again in the media, particularly in advertising, where the stupid husband/sensible wife archetypes run rampant. He's an idiot who won't ask for directions, and she's the smart one who humiliates him at every opportunity.

I could not agree with this column more. Particularly the final paragraph, but the symptoms do seem to crop up disproportionately around weddings.

Often, I'll hear this sentimentality justified around the idea that 'She's been planning this since she was three and a half.' So....what does that make the groom? A placeholder. Mr. your-name-here. I'm not saying a grown woman needs to scrap her entire plan, or any of it, necessarily. Certainly not, but it's the most important day in his life too. Or should be. His fiance should act like she believes that.

I do, very much, blame the media for this particular set of circumstances. Do you have any idea how many wedding shows they're producing right now? Dozens, easily. How many "bridal" (note: not marriage, bridal) magazines are published simultaneously? Hundreds.

I was very, VERY, fortunate to marry a sensible woman. She wanted what was best for the two of us, and I wanted what would make her happiest. Consequently, ours was the smoothest wedding day among any of our married friends. My bride was gorgeous, I looked sharp, and a good time was had by all. No muss, very little fuss, and nobody had to mortgage anything. Especially our future.
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Paul Szilagyi
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I should add that I believe that being disinterested enough about your own wedding to tell your future wife you don't care should, in my book, be taken by her as an insult.

If you genuinely have no preferences other than that it make her happy...feel free to come to the same conclusions that she does. Just don't throw out the old 'whatever you want, dear.' You don't want your married life to start on that stale, sour note.
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June King
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Never married, but have attended many weddings and been in the bridal party for a fair few. I was born and raised in the Philly area. Weddings are huge here.

What's wrong with U.S. weddings to day?

1. Weddings bring out the worst in the people you least expect. They will fight over ribbons vs. poufs on the headpieces, inviting the Sandersons (or not), cake flavors, you name it.

2. Too freaking expensive. It's a party. Places jack the prices up because it's a wedding. True story: A friend priced out her wedding on the phone. She called the same place the next day, asked for the exact same things, but did not say it was a wedding, only a party. Price was hundreds cheaper.

3. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the bridesmaids' dresses are the fugliest things you've ever seen. One notable exception: Laura Ashley tea dresses at a friend's wedding. The BMs all worked for the EPA and insisted on something that was natural fibers, off-the-rack and could be worn again. And they didn't outshine the bride, which is why the dresses are designed to be hideous in the first place.

3a. The bride will suddenly lose all her sense of taste while selecting a BM dress. It's really a test of loyalty. How much of an idiot/slut/hot mess will the bride's sisters and friends agree to look like for her wedding? "You can shorten it and wear it again!"


4. The prettier or more elaborate the wedding cake, the lousier it will taste. The more you spend on a cake, the more the baker will worry how it looks and less how it tastes. It's supposed to be cake, people, not sawdust and cardboard covered with nasty fondant!
5. There is no excuse for the Chicken Dance.

My friend Jen knew what was what and got the yummiest wedding cake EVAR. Her wedding was elegant and classy, the food was awesome, and the reception was lovely. She and her hubby budgeted, shopped around and kept it as small as they could. Her dress was vintage, so she saved a fortune. She had one attendant, who picked out her own dress (understated, on sale and off-the-rack). Live smooth jazz trio instead of a DJ. You would have though it cost a fortune. They spent a fraction of what most people pay in this area, and, to this day, I haven't seen a more elegant wedding, even on TV or in a movie.
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Scott Russell
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I really didn't care about most of the wedding, I was a lot like the man in the column. I wanted an open bar and some input on music at the reception. I liked the idea of including my sister as a bridesmaid and had some friends that I got revenge on by including them as groomsmen. That really was my entire contribution.

The whole ceremony was for her. I like the idea of committing to each other in front of family and friends, but I'd have been more comfortable doing it in casual wear in an informal setting. But I was willing to clean up, stay sober (this was trickier than it sounds given my recently graduated friends) and show up on time.

I really, really didn't care about colors, flowers, etc. The capper was that she wouldn't believe me and insisted that I come along with her and her mother to make final selections at our reception location (which was a one stop shop, invites, menu, cake, etc.)

On every decision, "I don't care" wasn't an acceptable answer. I had to actually select something on each point and go first! I think, literally on every choice, her mother selected something else and guess which one was the final selection? After a few hours of this, I finally asked if she really wanted me there and I got to pick the matchbook color.

Bottom line, I really didn't care. I wanted her to have what she wanted, but my input beyond that was really neutral. As long as I got to say, "I do" to and kiss my beautiful bride, I was getting everything I wanted. If dressing in a tux of whatever color she wanted was what it took, it was wall worth it!

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The neutral evil villain known as
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Gola wrote:
Quote:
We don't actually want them to be involved at all

On a slightly tangential point, I have discovered that I am a domestic female's worst nightmare, because I actually have opinions on color and patterns and junk. My wife will sashay into the room holding out some fabric samples, fully expecting me to say "it doesn't matter, whatever you want is fine by me, honey butt," and instead I tell her that her favorite pattern looks like it belongs on a chair in a discount pediatrician's waiting room. Oh sure, that color's very nice, if you like being challenged by existence, if you're the sort who sometimes likes a freezing cold shower just because, or if you sometimes eat salad bar items that you secretly detest, like radishes or chick peas, just to build character though adversity. By all means, paint the walls that institutional teal that looks like an electric toothbrush left out in the sun too long. Comfort only breeds complacency. Paint the house a nice cheery color and the next thing you know we'll be in our sweatpants eating chicken straight from the bucket.

And of course the final indignity is that she knows I'm always right.


wow, you sound like a peach to live with....

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Richard Hedke
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Ludocrazy wrote:
5. There is no excuse for the Chicken Dance.


If possible this should appear in neon letters four feet tall.

During my wedding planning I was the guy from the story who let the person who actually HAD an opinion on such matters make the decisions. I had only two requests of my fiance in the wedding plans: keep the cost under ten percent of the national debt and no chicken dance. She ignored both.
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Ookami Snow
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qzhdad wrote:

Bottom line, I really didn't care. I wanted her to have what she wanted, but my input beyond that was really neutral. As long as I got to say, "I do" to and kiss my beautiful bride, I was getting everything I wanted. If dressing in a tux of whatever color she wanted was what it took, it was wall worth it!


This. Some guys care, some guys really don't. I think the true problem is people getting their relationship advice from columns that are printed somewhere who really do not understand the nuances of each and every relationship. Having all brides make their husbands-to-be make wedding plans, is just as bad as all brides making their decisions without their husbands.

The correct answer is to talk with you husband before the process and really figure out what he cares about (and what you care about). In some cases I bet the husband really doesn't care at all, and wants the wife to have a day of "being a princess", and you know what, that is OK too.
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Mystery McMysteryface
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Oh, about the cake. I priced some cakes at local bakeries and they were b*tt ugly and expensive. A friend knew a lady who worked as a baker and did a side business from home. We went to her house and picked a cake from a booklet she had, she delivered it, and it was really delicious and not incredibly expensive. I made the topper myself and still have it.

We also wrote our own vows. I still wish I had eloped. SIGH
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Billy McBoatface
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Ludocrazy wrote:
3a. The bride will suddenly lose all her sense of taste while selecting a BM dress. It's really a test of loyalty. How much of an idiot/slut/hot mess will the bride's sisters and friends agree to look like for her wedding? "You can shorten it and wear it again!"
I think my wife and I did it best: A maid of honor, a best man, that's it. It's impossible to pick out matching outfits for the bridesmaids without making them look stupid. But with only one, the bridesmaid could wear anything she wanted that looked nice and wasn't white. It was great.

And our cake? It was black. Not very pretty - just a big black cake with a carmel glaze over it. And it was a very tasty ginger cake. We went to a restaurant where we'd had a great tasting cake before, asked if they could make it big enough for 70 people, they said "yes" and that was that. Then the guy asked my wife (who placed the order), "So...will this be a lesbian wedding?" It turns out he'd made the same cake for weddings twice before, both times they were lesbian weddings.
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Tim Thorp
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I had only one request of my wife: we do not write our own vows. That's a deal breaker. As to the wedding itself, I had no problem with her making the decisions. Not because I wanted to be at home taking a nap, or because I was lazy, but because it was something that was really important to her, and I wanted her to be happy. Because face it, when it comes to doing any sort of planning for something this important, I know ziltch. She did ask my opinion many times, and I gave it. Sometimes she went with it, sometimes not. In the end, our wedding was happy and memorable for both of us, and that's what matters most.
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Mark Foret
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My wife of 21 years and I eloped with no regrets -- at least none that my wife has ever verbalized to me. Oddly enough, the person who was most disappointed with our decision was my father, for mostly religious reasons. The very pleasant and tangible side effect of our decision was that we, after sidestepping the sizable wedding expenses, were able to afford something much nicer than a typical newlywed starter home. When we returned from our honeymoon, we even had a reception for family and friends in a garden on a warm, sunny June day.

Health,

Dr. Foret
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