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Aaron Bohm
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Never Sessions: Chaos in the Old World

For people unfamiliar with Never Sessions, I wanted to make a spinoff of session reports so I created the fantasy world of Never to tell the story of our gaming events. I am hoping for this whole thing to be entertaining but for those of you more interested in "the meat" feel free to skip down to The Session. Though possibly a tad exaggerated, each character represents a real person and the "story" of the world represents our real game session. One of the interesting things to pay attention to is the wide spectrum of personalities (seriously, I tried my best to show what each person was like and how they think and react based on how I know them) as I think this is the most vital value to be found in a session. It should not only give you an idea of how the game plays but also how different people approach the game and have fun with their own unique quirks and strategies. Enjoy!

Meet the characters!

The Friendly Giant (married to Lady Justice):
One of the friendliest villains, Friendly lets most of the offenses against him roll off his back, laughing jovially. However, he is most likely to not stick his hand into the same trap twice. Blinded by love, Friendly's marriage to Lady Justice often causes him to aid her even to his peril. Before perishing in battle, he is often inclined to make one last effort to kick Dr. Target off a cliff.

Lady Justice (married to The Friendly Giant):
Lady Justice is one of the most feared heroes. Most of the time, Justice will tend after the weak and the wounded, helping those who are struggling the most. However, if crossed it becomes her sole mission to relentlessly undo the offender, whether friend or foe. Otherwise she will sometimes use her feminine charm to lure The Friendly Giant (her husband) into acts of submission, helping her complete her goals.

Little Goblin:
Little Goblin often finds himself on the wrong end of worse-case-scenarios and fighting losing battles. Despite his diminutive size however, he often rises to the challenge, puffing up with loud battle cries, finger pointing and clever talk while at the same time using his small size to cry foul when others take a swing at him. Being tiny also makes it easy for him to find the best place to put a dagger into the backs of any newly found allies. This strategy often has equal chance of prevailing as it does getting him stepped on by bigger foes.

Evil Dr. Target:
One of the smartest villains, Dr. Target has already pre-calculated every possible contingency of success and knows exactly what to do. His downfall? With a name like Target everyone seems to set their sights on beating him. Little Goblin finds it most fun to wait until Dr. Target spends endless hours setting up the perfect machine only to pull the cord at the most opportune time.

The Setting:

Little Goblin was in a foul mood, kicking at the banks of snow gathered about his cave.

Such a cold, cruel world, he thought, If only I had the power to do something about it!

Just then a strange portal opened up. Its eerie glow mesmerized Little until he got too close and, "slooooop" it sucked him in. Unknown to him however, Evil Dr. Target and The Friendly Giant were walking by Little's cave and saw all this happen.

Little landed in a strange world surrounded by four monstrous, hideous gods.

"Ah!" shrieked Little, "Get away!"


The realization that they were taking to him hit Little suddenly and he grew delirious with the possibilities. Dealing death and despair and drowning the dire in darkness?! Whoopie! he thought.

Just then, three more "slooping" sounds popped through another portal hole as Dr. Evil, Friendly, and Lady Justice appeared.


"Shh," Little tried, but it was too late. The others had already figured out what Little had come to realize.

"Though foul and wrong, I will use the power of my god to defeat you all. In the name of Justice!" shouted Lady Justice.

"Wait, how did she find out about this anyway?" Little asked.

"Sorry guys," Friendly replied, looking away with shame, hands behind his back and twirling one toe in the dirt, "but I couldn't leave without telling my wife where I went."

The Session:
Picking the Players
Each of the four chaos gods stood there and explained their purpose and goals for conquering the map splayed out before them to Lady Justice and the 3 villains: Little Goblin, Evil Dr. Target and The Friendly Giant.

Upon hearing that Khorne was the blood god, pent on death and destruction Lady Justice's eyes lit up.

"I'll take him!" she said, "Come on you big lug."

Friendly looked at the remaining gods. "Well, blue is a friendly color so I'll play blue," so Friendly chose Tzeentch

Little Goblin offered Dr. Target his choice, and the Dr. told him that the corrupted god fit Goblin best so Dr. Target chose Slaanesh and
Little Goblin got Nurgle.

Round 1...

The map shook and an event came about, one that Little Goblin was most happy to control the outcome of. "Warpstone Discovery" the card read, and Little, mad with power, jumped at the chance of throwing both warpstones into the middle of the map right on top of where Khorne usually starts, taunting Friendly and his god Tzeentch who thrives on warpstones, "I put them there because I know you won't go there."

The reverse psychology seemed to work as Friendly responded, "Oh? You think I won't go there, eh?"

Starting first and looking at the map Lady Justice asked, "Okay, so I need to spread out at much as possible?" so she sent a cultist into The Empire where Little had put the warpstones.

Little Goblin, knowing he wanted to be nowhere near Khorne's forces, looked at Estonia, "Hmm, now here is a region ripe for corrupting! Come on Nurgle, maybe we'll even get an early lead in threat as well!"

Friendly followed suit but instead went to the opposite side of the map with a cultist in Norsca as Dr. Target looked to hedge his bets. Little and I will make a splendid team, Target thought, and I will put up some defensive fellows to dissuade any would be attackers. But Dr. Target first placed a cultist in Estonia right next to his buddy, Little.

"What? How is this a Seductress?," asked Dr. Target looking at the game piece, "Aren’t these just two guys in robes?"

Lady then looked hard at the north, sending a chill down Friendly's back, but instead first turned south by extending a cultist into Bretonnia. Little, un-phased, placed another cultist in Estonia as Friendly also placed one on the next region in the north and Dr. Target bolstered his defense with a Daemonette in Tilea.

Next turn Lady continued south and finally pounced on Estonia with a Bloodletter. Little was still undaunted, looking at his hand, knowing all he had to do was get 1 cultist to survive this round he played yet another one. Friendly was to bide his time no more and slammed a lid on the north by putting a temporal stasis in Troll Country. All players immediately took a second to process: now Friendly had the north to himself, what a clever move!

Dr. Target finished off his defenses with a Daemonette in Bretonnia, seemingly a barrier around Estonia and taking the fight to the blood-goddess herself no less! Lady countered with another bloodletter in Dr. Target's territory of Tilea and her last move was a cultist out to The Border Princes - with some skill, next turn her reach would include almost anywhere on the board except that cursed north.

Nurgle sprung his plan then: Stench of Death in Estonia. Knowing all he had to do was get this fire started, Nurgle had many options as long as he could just get some corruption down this turn. Friendly finished up the north with more cultists in Norsca as did Dr. Target in Tilea.

Now the fights. Dr. Target would leave unscathed as the somewhat impotent bloodletter there couldn't finish off a single of his forces but Little would not be so lucky as Lady's forces, with some luck, wiped all 3 of his units (and him) completely off the map.

"Ahh! Now I'll start with nothing!" Little cursed.

Interestingly enough, Lady didn't advance threat more than Friendly her first turn but seemed to be in a good position: spread out and already putting corruption throughout the land.

Round 2...

Little Goblin was displeased, knowing it would be an uphill battle from here. Luckily, the next event unleashed Dark Elf Corsairs into three region of his opponents’ pieces, forcing them to move ‘em or lose ‘em.

Lady started in right away with bloodletters in Tilea as Little took a look at a new entry point on the board.

Hm, Friendly is too strong alone up there in the north, thought Little, Let’s give him some company. So Little placed one of his plaguebearers in Troll Country. Friendly knew he needed to slow down his wife, Lady, as she already was starting to go mad with bloodlust so he drained her power. Noticing Little move more into the neighborhood he drained him as well.

“Hey, I’m losing. Pick on someone else," cried Little.

Dr. Target, feeling good about his rout the last turn, continued to build up with a cultist in Tilea when, BAM! Lady put her Bloodthirster in Tilea as well, a big grin on her face, "I thought this would be fun."

Geez, I have to change my plans, thought Dr Target. And instead switched by placing a Daemonette in Estonia to clear out the bloodletter and make way for future forces. But Lady kept the pressure on and played a Skull Throne in Tilea, preventing the Dr. from moving.

All according to plan, thought Target as he played Field of Ecstasy to give him a stay of execution in Tilea for one more turn.

In the north, things had escalated. Little had gotten out 2 more plaguebearers and 2 cultists in Troll Country only to have Friendly come over the top with his Lord of Change and more cultists in both Troll Country and Norsca.

Friendly thought, I might be able to take Little out of the game here and now!

Finally, some luck for Little! He was able to wipe out Friendly’s lord along with all but one of his cultists with some extra attacks while only losing a couple plague-ee’s.

"Whew," said Little to Friendly "Okay, how about a truce in that region?"

"Sure," Friendly said, "so long as you move that plaguebearer out next turn."

Did Friendly fail to see the smallest hint of a smile on Little’s face? Lady was still only able to pick apart casualties in one region, Estonia, thanks to Dr. Target’s card. Her, Friendly and Target moved one threat, Lady upgraded her cultists as Little only got some corruption and 1 measly domination point. Corruption continued to spread across the land as the middle and south-east became eerily peaceful.

Round 3 and 4

Bretonnian Knights came onto the board next directed by Little. Even though seemingly allies just turns ago, Little saw the opportunity for mischief and added another hero token to one that had been on Bretonnia since the beginning. This, with Lady’s Bloodthirster in Tilea will keep the Dr. bottled up, Little thought to himself.

Little’s actions had the Dr. frustrated at this point. With no good moves, he shifted his attention to piling on guys into Estonia. Happy to spread the carnage with the kills she’ll get already from the Bloodthirster in Tilea, Lady added a couple new units into Estonia and then focused on the north with a cultist in Kislev and a bloodletter in Troll Country and Norsca. Finally!

Little’s Nurgle dug in with Rain of Pus in Troll Country, making Friendly the natural target there but Evil Dr. Target was quick to point out, "I thought you said you'd move that guy in Troll Country?"

With a smile Little replied, "Well, I might as well keep him there to defend against Khorne."

Little placed 4 more cultists, a total of six with six corruption already stacked there. I’ll get to ruin it this turn! He thought and made plans for doing away with Friendly’s one cultist so as to deprive him of those points.

Friendly, not paying attention and still remembering those 2 warpstones in The Empire got 2 cultists down there with 2 warp shields as protection. He then turned to his wife, "I was going to do something mean but instead I’ll do this," and he teleported the Norsca bloodletter right on top of Dr. Target in Estonia? Boy did this make him mad!

The fortunes of the resulting battles once again shined upon Little who cleared out all forces from Troll Country. The ruined region of Troll Country went to him, with his corruption being the highest total. But Dr. Target however got cleaned out, keeping him from getting a single threat in either region but with surviving legions there to keep him from leaving the area.

“Literally the worse possible outcome, arg!"

The fourth turn was immediately Plunged into Chaos, Lady and Friendly both got points by showing off their peasants’ corpses.

Dr. Target, normally the rational, calculating one may have taken too many blows to the head by this point as he continued to pile units into Estonia, hell-bent on getting that dial tick and ruining the region. Lady was more than happy to put some more units there as well. This time, however, he made the brilliant play of moving the hero down to her Bloodthirster. The hero would kill him off and the door would be open!

Lady also noticed Friendly’s presence in The Empire and shifted some power there. Friendly was more than happy to respond in kind, he placed 2 Persistence of Change, 1 horror and 2 cultists there and stated, "I love you, Honey," with a smile.

“Don’t be a jerkface," she said.

Little was happy to finally have the north to himself and moved his 3 cultists to Kislev along with a Plague Touch. Noticing Lady’s hand reach for a bloodletter to put in Kislev, Little was quick to remind her, "by the way, my units here have 1 extra defense" and she then placed it elsewhere. Little also took more of the fight to Friendly. Remember that 1 plaguebeared that never got moved? Well Little moved him right into Norsca with a cultist as well, now challenging Friendly’s hold there.

In the resulting battles Friendly lost a few units, both to Little in Norsca and Lady in The Empire, but his one horror fought and won to keep both Persistance of Change cards in effect. Dr. Target is cleaned out again, this time to the last cultist.

“Why do you keep on doing that?" Friendly and Little shouted in unison, "Don’t you know what the definition of insanity is!"

Lady gets another 2 ticks and Little Goblin gets his first one, "Finally, a threat dial tick!" Corruption was overflowing with several regions now dangerously close to being ruined.

Round 5 and THE LAST ROUND

Lady now had a dilemma. With her forces primarily in the south and Dr. Target all but wiped out there was little left to focus on. She hedged her bets with bloodletters in Kislev, The Empire and Bretonnia. Little meanwhile hoped to seal the deal in Kislev with the Stench of Death and a Plague Aura. Dr. Target, now back to his senses, knew what his best plays would be.

"My new goal is to not come in last,” he said as he put Fields of Ecstasy in Estonia along with some units. Later in Bad Lands he’d finally able to get free with a Sporific Musk, taking a Khorne cultist and then placing his own. Unfortunately for him, Little was already on his way down with a couple of plaguebearers as well.

Giving up mostly on The Empire, Friendly moved to Bretonnia and then to a now-mostly-vacant Tilea.

From the battles Lady is only able to get the two, one from Little in Kislev and Friendly’s in Bretonnia; Friendly matched her for the single tick. The lack of blood meant that most of the cultists were unchecked. Little polished up Norsca and Lady and Friendly shared the ruin in The Empire, but this put Little precariously high in points. Dr. Target’s one stand now cleaned out his foes in Estonia for the first time in ages. The Bad Lands saw a Target-controlled Khorne cultist fight against Little but luck shined on him once again, he wiping both units out and giving him dominance there and in The Border Princes.

No one knew what was about to happen. Everyone seemed close to winning (well, everyone but Dr. Target.) Him, Lady, and Friendly made a push for the corruption of Tilea while Little did the math. He would be short in Kislev. Another Plague aura and Stench of Death was played in Kislev and units were placed there as well as his two dominated regions to try and protect his lead. Lady moved north, west, east and south, killing someone in every location for a record amount of carnage. It would seem she would win. But wait. As the cultists in each region were counted, first Estalia fell to corruption. Dr. Target had finally managed to put away that region and got rewarded handsomely. But then, Tilea also fell, only Lady and Friendly were on the receiving end this time. Friendly was now way up in points! It didn’t matter however, as Lady stood smiling on the shoulder of her bloody god. A threat dial victory is greater than the points from 5 ruined regions.

"I was told I couldn't win with by getting points, so I wanted to try and prove them wrong," Lady Justice said, "but this is okay too."

Sitting in last place point-wise, Evil Dr. Target grimaced, "I don't like games where people can gang up on me..."
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Joel Schuster
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Estonians will be outraged
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