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Subject: To orgasm or not to orgasm, that is the question. rss

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Joy Welke
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You all said, "Go for it!" on my first post on RSP, so, here it is!

After I got married, I entered a realm that has been full of surprises: the married women's circle. There's honesty and openness, and almost automatic friendship. Perhaps it's just the married women that I've encountered so far, but being married already provides two people with having a lot in common with each other. It's been fun hearing about other marriages and how their relationships work. I have found some awesome new friends amongst the married women that I have met.

Of course, one of the most exciting and fun topics that I've been chatting about with my married women girlfriends is SEX. I'm sure that's no surprise! modest

It's so obvious, though: if you're married, you're having sex regularly. Of course there are things to talk about! Gosh, there has been so much to talk about!

I've learned about many women's opinions on many things: different positions, foreplay, oral sex, anal sex, role playing, costumes, lingerie, and different types of orgasms. It has been illuminating and fun, and I've come to understand women's sexuality on a broader level because of all of those awesome sex discussions.

One thing that has come up quite often in different sex discussions that my married girlfriends and I have had is the issue of orgasm. I was quite surprised to find out that many women do not have at least one kind of orgasm when they have sex. In fact, it's quite common, at least from the circles that I have been in, for women to not have orgasms on a fairly regular basis.

Okay, yes, I have read my fair share of articles in magazines as well as sex-how-to books about orgasms and the lack of orgasms in the world when it comes to women, but still, I was shocked and saddened at the true lack of consistent and awesome orgasms amongst my married women girlfriends. I was also shocked at the pervading sense from almost all of the married women that I've met that orgasms aren't that exciting or needed in sex. I think it's so exciting and quite essential!

Personally, I love orgasms! They are so awesome! How could any woman have sex and not have or not want to have an orgasm? I'm of the opinion that sex is for both people's pleasure: you both give pleasure to each other, and that pleasure grows until it culminates in the climax of orgasm. It's a wonderful explosion of endorphins, positive feelings, emotions, and sensations. Why wouldn't you want to experience that every time you have sex?

Yes, I do understand that there are many factors involved in having sex, such as the mood of the individuals, the health of the individuals, the wetness/lubrication of the individuals, pre-ejaculation, the type of sexual position, etc. I also understand that because of these factors, orgasm might not be an easy thing to achieve for a lot of women when they have sex. Nonetheless, in my opinion, if you have muscles and can use them (every woman does and can!), it is still possible to have an orgasm every time, *even if there's been a mismatch of synchronization in timing between partners.

Perhaps I'm just young and have a healthy sex drive, perhaps I just love sex and exploring my own body and my husband's body, perhaps I'm in-love with the feelings and sensations that come along with orgasms, BUT all these reasons aside, I know from experience that it really is possible to have an orgasm, at least one kind (clitoral, vaginal/G-spot) if not both, every time a woman has sex.

I haven't been having sex for very long, but in my 2 and a bit years of having sex, I have learned that having a truly fulfilling orgasm (of either kind of orgasm, clitoral or G-spot) takes a lot of muscle work on the woman's part. Yes, her partner's touch and movements can help a whole lot, and sometimes completely causes an orgasm, but most of the time, a woman really needs to use all of her pelvis muscles (inside ones and outside ones), as well as leg, tummy, and back muscles to be able to achieve mind-blowing orgasms. It's seriously a cardio-muscle work out!

I think muscle work is perhaps the main reason as to why so many women don't have or don't want to have orgasms all the time. As I said before, biologically, a woman does have to move her body in a rhythm matching her partner's movements, while tensing and releasing certain pelvic muscles in a complicated rhythm to achieve orgasm (clitoral or G-spot). It takes a lot of practice to get really good at it, especially to be able to do it every time you have sex, no matter the situation, mood, or circumstances in your life at the time. Also, the complicated inner/outer pelvis muscle movements other muscle movements are a lot to concentrate on when you are enjoying your partner's body, the communion, and the intimacy that comes with sex. So, I understand that sometimes women just don't want to "work-out" when they are making love.

However, I'm of the opinion that it's so worth it! There are so many good reasons to have an orgasm: you share an orgasmic experience with your partner (if he's a guy, he has one every time unless he's trying very hard not to because that's how guys are wired ), you have an emotional/endorphin high after having an awesome and fulfilling orgasm, you get a great cardio work-out, and I think it makes the sexual experience more exciting and fun! It feels "completed," in my opinion.

So, after my long shpeel, here's my question: Why do you think women don't have an orgasm every time they have sex, and what are your opinions on having orgasms every time you have sex?

I'd love to hear answers from both men and women!

*edit: added for clarification.
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Marshall P.
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Whoah.... this, uh, is NOT what I expected.
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CHAPEL
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Wynnellyn wrote:
... and what are your opinions on having orgasms every time you have sex?[/b]

I'd love to hear answers from both men and women!


Well, being a guy, I'm not sure I've not had an orgasm during coitus...ever, so I wouldn't understand the frustration women might feel about not being able to reach that level of climax. I'm sure it would suck.
 
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Tim Thorp
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I don't know why women sometimes don't have orgasms, but I'm sure that somehow the Democrats are at fault.
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Dave G
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Wynnellyn wrote:
... and what are your opinions on having orgasms every time you have sex?[/b]

I'd love to hear answers from both men and women!



Uh...I'm generally in favor?
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Green Dan
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"The Goal of the game is to win, but it's the goal that's important, not the winning."

By which I mean...the fun stuff around sex is important, it doesn't matter if either party doesn't achieve orgasm everytime. It can be a lot of effort (particually as you get older) but the effort can be the fun part!
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Adrian Hague
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MWChapel wrote:
I'm sure it would suck.


She does have a name you know..


too much?

Joy Welke wrote:
Why do YOU think women don't have an orgasm every time they have sex, and what are your opinions on having orgasms every time you have sex?


I think some of the reasons are:
i) A lot of men are unfamiliar with the 'geography' of their partners. You know how men hate asking for directions...
ii) Timing - For some men, climax can be achieved simply by looking at a suggestively curved rock. I think this is where foreplay comes to the ... fore. It can take a bit of practice and experience to synchronise events, so that the man is not beginning to fall asleep just as he gets his partner somewhere close to orgasm.
iii) Unfortunately, some (not all!) men just don't care.

Is now the right time to inform y'all I'm a virgin? whistle

oops, slip of the thumb!
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Jonny Lawless
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An interesting topic, and it's awesome that you've found out what works for you. That being said, I'd be really careful in assuming that every woman can get to where you are, and I'd be especially hesitant to suggest that it's generally her fault for not working hard enough.

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David Debien
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I am still confused about the conclusion that being married means having lots of sex. Otherwise, definitely in favor of orgasms for all!
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Joy Welke
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MWChapel wrote:
Wynnellyn wrote:
... and what are your opinions on having orgasms every time you have sex?[/b]

I'd love to hear answers from both men and women!


Well, being a guy, I'm not sure I've not had an orgasm during coitus...ever, so I wouldn't understand the frustration women might feel about not being able to reach that level of climax. I'm sure it would suck.


Okay, well, has your partner ever not had an orgasm and been sad or unhappy about it? I don't think women like to admit it that it sucks when the orgasm doesn't happen. That's a scary topic to broach during/after coitus.

Do you actively try to help her achieve orgasm, or is that out of your control??
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Chad Ellis
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Does it give my age away when I guessed you were young when you wrote, "It's so obvious, though: if you're married, you're having sex regularly"?



Among my wife's circle it's pretty common for couples to be having much less frequent sex than they used to, and some couples have stopped altogether or nearly so. I'm not sure if this means that failure to orgasm isn't the biggest problem or that these couples would be doing better if their sex featured regular orgasms.

I think there are a range of reasons that women may not orgasm during sex. Perhaps the most common problem is that women who have trouble orgasming don't treat it as a solvable problem. They may not feel comfortable talking about it with their partner or they may have accepted it as part of their sexual reality.

I don't consider orgasm completely essential to good sex, insofar as it doesn't have to happen every time. Some of my favorite sex has been "one sided," i.e. I brought my partner to orgasm but mine wasn't part of the plan, and sometimes my wife likes to reciprocate. (This can be particularly appealing when you've got kids and you're short on sleep.)

Oh, and unless you're ejaculating when you orgasm you're missing at least one type. "Both" indeed! ninja
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Chad Ellis
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Aside:

Am I the only one waiting for Jared's response to this thread?

/aside
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Joy Welke
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jonnylawless wrote:
An interesting topic, and it's awesome that you've found out what works for you. That being said, I'd be really careful in assuming that every woman can get to where you are, and I'd be especially hesitant to suggest that it's generally her fault for not working hard enough.




Yes, I do agree that a woman's partner has a lot to do with the success of achieving an orgasm, but my point is that honestly, biologically, a woman's orgasm, especially the G-spot orgasm, IS still somewhat dependent upon a woman moving her own muscles in an appropriate rhythm.

What I want to know is what does a woman's orgasm depend upon? What exactly makes it happen? Does your partner actually tell you what makes the orgasm happen?
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Joy Welke
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Chad_Ellis wrote:
Does it give my age away when I guessed you were young when you wrote, "It's so obvious, though: if you're married, you're having sex regularly"?



Among my wife's circle it's pretty common for couples to be having much less frequent sex than they used to, and some couples have stopped altogether or nearly so. I'm not sure if this means that failure to orgasm isn't the biggest problem or that these couples would be doing better if their sex featured regular orgasms.

I think there are a range of reasons that women may not orgasm during sex. Perhaps the most common problem is that women who have trouble orgasming don't treat it as a solvable problem. They may not feel comfortable talking about it with their partner or they may have accepted it as part of their sexual reality.

I don't consider orgasm completely essential to good sex, insofar as it doesn't have to happen every time. Some of my favorite sex has been "one sided," i.e. I brought my partner to orgasm but mine wasn't part of the plan, and sometimes my wife likes to reciprocate. (This can be particularly appealing when you've got kids and you're short on sleep.)

Oh, and unless you're ejaculating when you orgasm you're missing at least one type. "Both" indeed! ninja


Thank you, Chad! This sheds some light on the reasons for some of the older married women's opinions about orgasms that I've heard in the past while during our sex discussions.

Perhaps my appetites for different kinds of sex, like the one-sided, will become a reality once my husband and I become parents someday in the distant future.

I guess the reality is that I'm in my sexual prime, and that's probably why I can't imagine sex without an orgasm to be as wonderful and amazing as sex is right now with multiple orgasms. (Yes, you are right that I forgot to mention female ejaculation)

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Jonny Lawless
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Wynnellyn wrote:
jonnylawless wrote:
An interesting topic, and it's awesome that you've found out what works for you. That being said, I'd be really careful in assuming that every woman can get to where you are, and I'd be especially hesitant to suggest that it's generally her fault for not working hard enough.




Yes, I do agree that a woman's partner has a lot to do with the success of achieving an orgasm, but my point is that honestly, biologically, a woman's orgasm, especially the G-spot orgasm, IS still somewhat dependent upon a woman moving her own muscles in an appropriate rhythm.


I think that women are different enough that this is not a universal truth. Even the G-spot's existence is very controversial. What I'm suggesting is that since women can be very different in this regard, one must take great care not to appear to be saying "you're doing it wrong."
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Joy Welke
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AdrianPHague wrote:

Joy Welke wrote:
Why do YOU think women don't have an orgasm every time they have sex, and what are your opinions on having orgasms every time you have sex?

I think some of the reasons are:
i) A lot of men are unfamiliar with the 'geography' of their partners. You know how men hate asking for directions...
ii) Timing - For some men, climax can be achieved simply by looking at a suggestively curved rock. I think this is where foreplay comes to the ... fore. It can take a bit of practice and experience to synchronise events, so that the man is not beginning to fall asleep just as he gets his partner somewhere close to orgasm.
iii) Unfortunately, some (not all!) men just don't care.


Thank you, Adrian! I totally agree with your reasons. Perhaps we women need to be unafraid and help our men explore our 'geography' so that we can both have great climaxes and truly know/discover what works for us women.
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Joy Welke
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jonnylawless wrote:
Wynnellyn wrote:
jonnylawless wrote:
An interesting topic, and it's awesome that you've found out what works for you. That being said, I'd be really careful in assuming that every woman can get to where you are, and I'd be especially hesitant to suggest that it's generally her fault for not working hard enough.




Yes, I do agree that a woman's partner has a lot to do with the success of achieving an orgasm, but my point is that honestly, biologically, a woman's orgasm, especially the G-spot orgasm, IS still somewhat dependent upon a woman moving her own muscles in an appropriate rhythm.


I think that women are different enough that this is not a universal truth. Even the G-spot's existence is very controversial. What I'm suggesting is that since women can be very different in this regard, one must take great care not to appear to be saying "you're doing it wrong."



Well, the women that I've talked to that actually do like to have frequent orgasms and have success in achieving their orgasms like to be on top of their partner because then they have "more control" over what's happening during the movements of sex. This is the aspect of sex that I'm trying to explain. The successful orgasmers are the women who take an active, working moving part in the sexual act.

The women that I've talked to that are unhappy seem to have given up hoping for an orgasm. My point is that while men have to work to post-pone their orgasm, women have to work at having an orgasm. We're opposites, in a sense.
 
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I think it's great that you have a sex life that you're happy with and that you want all women to be as happy with their sex lives as you are.

I also believe that the situation is more complicated than you think it is. There is no "one size fits all" for sexuality, women's or otherwise.

Most of my sexual partners have been female, and, at least in my anecdotal experience, what gets a woman off varies pretty substantially from person to person. There are some universals for enhancing a sexual experience . . . good communication, truly caring about one's partner's satisfaction, and the like. Beyond that, not so much.
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Boaty McBoatface
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orgamsm are not the only fruit.
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Boaty McBoatface
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A serious question, Do men always have orgamsms?
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Chad Ellis
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Wynnellyn wrote:
Perhaps my appetites for different kinds of sex, like the one-sided, will become a reality once my husband and I become parents someday in the distant future.


Things definitely change as you age -- whether for better or worse depends on you and your partner. Fatigue and having little ones running around makes it harder to enjoy spontaneous sex the way we did back in the day, but if anything I think the sex we do have is better.

As you've pointed out, orgasm is a skill...and so is a lot of other aspects of sex. We tend to keep getting better at it, as long as we try. The mental aspects of sex are still fertile ground for exploration and I expect they'll remain so as long as we're alive.

Oh, and if I may add a fourth type of orgasm...hands-free.

Quote:
I guess the reality is that I'm in my sexual prime, and that's probably why I can't imagine sex without an orgasm to be as wonderful and amazing as sex is right now with multiple orgasms. (Yes, you are right that I forgot to mention female ejaculation)


Don't get me wrong. Orgasms are fantastic, and sex where one of us doesn't orgasm is rare. I would definitely not be satisfied if reaching orgasm was something either of us had difficulty with. I just don't think it has to happen 100% of the time. (In particular I'm often in the mood to give my partner an orgasm and want to focus on that; in those situations I sometimes prefer that my own orgasm be off the table.)
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Chad Ellis
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slatersteven wrote:
A serious question, Do men always have orgamsms?


No. Some me have difficulty achieving orgasm. It's just rarer and less talked about.
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Joy Welke
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corross wrote:
I think it's great that you have a sex life that you're happy with and that you want all women to be as happy with their sex lives as you are.

I also believe that the situation is more complicated than you think it is. There is no "one size fits all" for sexuality, women's or otherwise.

Most of my sexual partners have been female, and, at least in my anecdotal experience, what gets a woman off varies pretty substantially from person to person. There are some universals for enhancing a sexual experience . . . good communication, truly caring about one's partner's satisfaction, and the like. Beyond that, not so much.


Thank you very much for your awesome thoughts. This was the kind of thing that I was hoping for in response. I guess we women are more different than I thought we were.
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Chad Ellis
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I can attest to that as well. I know women who struggle to orgasm unless they're on top, but I know others who orgasm more easily in other positions. I know women who are fantastically orgasmic but not through intercourse. One partner would ejaculate almost every time through manual stimulation. She would sometimes orgasm through intercourse (not ejaculating) and sometimes not. I even have a female friend who claims she can only orgasm through anal sex and know many for whom orgasm depends on reaching a particular mental state far more than anything physical.
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Boaty McBoatface
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Chad_Ellis wrote:
slatersteven wrote:
A serious question, Do men always have orgamsms?


No. Some me have difficulty achieving orgasm. It's just rarer and less talked about.


Its what I suspected. So perhaps this prblom need to recive more attention.
 
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