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David Dixon
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I wish to God I'd written this, but I didn't...

This is pulled from an IMDB review of Carrot Top's Chairman of the board.

I will post it below in the hopes that everyone else finds it as hilarious as I did.

Diis

/Begin Movie Review

A few weeks ago I watched Carrot Top's Chairman of the Board on HBO.

This is not just the worst movie I've ever seen, it's the worst movie that's ever been or ever could be.

There's a notorious scene in John Waters' Pink Flamingos where the drag queen Divine picks up an actual piece of dog feces and eats it. That is a Capraesque delight compared to the moment in COTB when Carrot Top leans in to kiss actress Courtney Thorne-Smith. Indeed, Thorne-Smith deserves an honorary Oscar for not vomiting her small intestines the second Top's fish-underbelly skin came within Taser range of her lips.

I have spent the better part of my life a happy-go-lucky atheist, endlessly circling an epistemological cul-de-sac, foolishly content in the delusion that naught but unremarkable randomness and the caprice of evolution govern our planet and our lives.

I write this now as a careworn and grudging theist, cursed with the metaphysical certainty that God exists and that there must indeed be a reckoning. Only a literal hell can restore to the universe a sense of order and return to our souls - souls thirsting for justice for humanity, for cable subscribers everywhere, and not least of all for Courtney Thorne-Smith - a small measure of peace.

Indeed, Mr. Top's crushingly unfunny "film" is a long, jagged scar across our collective unconscious. It is your hopes and dreams replaced by a dying, weeping child crushed and all at once bereft of breath in your unconsoling - and inconsolable - embrace. It is blood in your stool on the eve of your wedding day. It is an unaccounted-for prosthetic eyeball swimming languidly in your vegetable pad thai. It is happiness itself blotted forever from the cosmos.

Carrot Top is the worst human being who has ever lived or ever will live. Stalin? What's a pogrom here or there? Pol Pot? The killing fields are the sweet songs of seraphim heard within the fragrant bosom of your lover compared to this dread offering. Hitler? Europe, she recovered by and by. There is no Marshall Plan for the pain and ruin we Chairman of the Board survivors must endure the sad remainder of our now-squalid lives.

Not only are there no - no - laughs in this movie, this film will steal laughs from the rest of your life. It represents a debt that can't be repaid - not now, not here, not in Superman's Bizarro World, not in a far, future galaxy run by countless trillions of nanorobots singularly programmed to wipe away forever the stain of this film, a film that is now irretrievably etched in thousands of banshee-screaming layers of space-time.

What's done is done. Though every cell of your body may cry out in anguish and every ribbon of DNA struggle mightily against an unslakeable urge to rip itself asunder, there can be no peace - not for you, not for your children, not for your children's children. Satan, to put it all too bluntly, has won. The collective efforts of millions of preachers, doctors, philanthropists, inventors, kings, queens, philosophers and humble servants of God throughout history are but piffle and dreck.

At Carrot Top's official Web site, www.oh-my-god-why-am-i-typing-this/someone-please-take-my-e yes-out-with-a-melon-baller/and-fill-the-raw-moist-sockets-with-m olten-pig-iron/lest-the-next-thing-i-see-be-carrot-tops-shiny-disgus ting-head.org/index.html, Carrot Top offers 8-by-10 glossies of himself for 10 bucks apiece.

If deep within the 342 pages of legislation comprising the USA PATRIOT Act there had been a provision for abolishing the civil liberties and reproductive rights of all purchasers of the graven image of this execrable amalgam of Ed Gein-lampshade skin and circus peanut-colored horror, I for one would have been happy to donate every last dollop of fat and tallow in my belly, buttocks, thighs and shanks to grease the skids for fascism once and for all.

But alas, the right to be screamingly unfunny and to slobber to horrifying effect on attractive blond actresses is a long-recognized pillar of our democracy. The right to enjoy watching this sort of thing is similarly entrenched, as is the right to watch dwarf-tossing, to view pornography in which midgets peeing is the central theme, and to stare at the noonday sun.

Still, though I've never met a Carrot Top fan, they are presumably out there. According to his Web site, he performs in Las Vegas a lot. Believe me, I would prefer to see a Siegfried and Roy show in which their tigers break loose and devour half the audience and the better part of my lower torso.

In fact, Carrot Top came to my home town earlier this year. Some poor reporter at our local paper had to write a feature story on him. Knowing that writing anything about Carrot Top that doesn't completely savage him is akin to being one of the PR flacks assigned to spin the Bhopal thing for Union Carbide, I can sympathize with this poor fellow. But not that much.

For when it comes to Carrot Top, his stupid AT&T commercials, or that steaming pile of offal Chairman of the Board, you are either with us or you are with the terrorist. Suffice to say, you're better dead than red.
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Andy Andersen
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What kind of a parent would name their kid "Carrot Top?"
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'Twas a bit verbose, but not inaccurate.
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Scott B
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Of course, one effect of such a review is that people will now go watch it to see if he's right...
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Brian Bankler
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No, the best review consisted solely of a comma and exclamation point.

The AVClub's Review of 'Couples Retreat' wrote:

Couples, Retreat!
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Anne Freitas
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Oh, hyperbole, how we love thee.

How tortured a soul he must have been to dedicate so many fun analogies to this terrible movie. It's akin to the same amount of energy an elementary school bully uses to pester a girl he secretly has a crush on.

I think he's a masochist.

He could only forgive himself for such a cinematically aroused state by crafting such purple prose for Carrot Top and his film.

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howl hollow howl
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I always figured Norm McDonald had the final say on Chairman of the Board :

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Gil Hova
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Very good review.

To me, the gold standard in bad reviews is Roger Ebert's review of Rob Reiner's North.

Quote:
I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.


At Reiner's roast, someone forced him to read that bit of the review. Reiner gamely read it, smiled, and said, "You know, if you read between the lines, it isn't half bad."
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Erik Henry
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One of my favorite negative reviews is Roger Ebert's famous review of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

http://www.rogerebert.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/2005081...

Th conclusion is the best part:

Roger Ebert wrote:
The movie created a spot of controversy last February. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.

Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.
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Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets! It's an unpleasant tingling! The deepest of wriggles!
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Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don't mix.
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I vote for the last paragraph of Ebert's review of The Human Centipede:

"I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don't shine."
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Gil Hova
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mistermarino wrote:
I vote for the last paragraph of Ebert's review of The Human Centipede:

"I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don't shine."


Yes, Ebert reserves his "no star" rating for movies that aren't just bad, but that he finds are actively depraved or lacking in any moral redemption. While one can quibble with these ratings (Blue Velvet had the "honor" of being a no-star film), he has repeated that Human Centipede sentiment for other movies, most notably Pink Flamingos...

Quote:
I am not giving a star rating to ``Pink Flamingos,'' because stars simply seem not to apply. It should be considered not as a film but as a fact, or perhaps as an object.


Elsewhere I recall him saying of the same movie that "This film exists outside critical commentary, like the weather," but I can't source that quote right now.
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The neutral evil villain known as
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mistermarino wrote:
I vote for the last paragraph of Ebert's review of The Human Centipede:

"I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don't shine."



I just finished watching the 1976 version of King Kong and I wish to apply all of these reviews to it.
wow, everyone in that movie is famous, yet it was almost unwatchable. Tho I was pleased to see rene "ODO" aberjonis in it! LOL!
P
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M@tthijs
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Great line: "Not only are there no - no - laughs in this movie, this film will steal laughs from the rest of your life."

Thanks for sharing. Will avoid the movie like the plague.
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Landstander wrote:
Of course, one effect of such a review is that people will now go watch it to see if he's right...

Yeah, it was probably written by Carrot Top.
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M@tthijs
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BoB3K wrote:
Landstander wrote:
Of course, one effect of such a review is that people will now go watch it to see if he's right...

Yeah, it was probably written by Carrot Top.
No thanks.
I just recorded "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" so I think I have my share of bad movies ready for a year. Will be fun!
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Michael Edwards
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The hyperbole is pretty amusing, but when I cut it out, the "review" was basically:

The movie sucked. I hated that Carrot Top kisses this actress. The movie was un-funny.


But other than the guy is creeped out by Carrot Top - a reasonable position - it's not really a review of the movie. That distracted me from enjoying him going off on Carrot Top!
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Dennis Ku
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So...wait - did he like it or not? I can't tell.
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