Vice-Grip-in-the-Rear Admiral Blurp – Commanding Glorp Fleet
Commander Rikerp – Tactical Officer
Lieutenant Bellerp – Communications Officer
“Admiral Blurp,” reported Rikerp, “we are now entering the Springfield System.” Then after an incredulous look at his ops screen, “Sir! There are three enemy fleets already here!”
“Rats,” bellowed the commanding officer, “they’re trying to get those horseshoes before us! Lieutenant Bellerp, signal all captains, ‘Battle Stations.’ Deploy the fleet. Prepare to engage. DVR Jersey Shore so I don’t miss Pauly D’s latest antics.”
Just then a bright flash of light washed out the command ship’s vision and it rolled like an ocean liner on the sea waves. Crewmen fell hard to the deck and had to regain their composure. All except for Commander Rikerp. He was striking a pose. “Great Scotts, sir!” he roared in amazement. “The Cranium Consortium just destroyed our Destroyer Alamo in Sector Grün with a direct hit! That was quick!”
“Crickey,” blurted Blurp, “I left my bowling shoes on that ship! Return fire at will.”
“Aye, sir,” complied Rikerp, checking his computers and growing excited. “Sir! The Dreadnaught Ares reports significant damage inflicted to a Klagon dreadnaught in Sector Gelb and the Cruiser Freya has vaporized a Tri-Bot dreadnaught in Sector Rot with a direct hit on their reactors.”
“So the tide turns,” said Blurp with relish.
“Admiral,” reported Lt. Bellerp, “a new Klagon ship has entered Sector Gelb. And the Ares is now signaling the enemy has laid a minefield in its sector and will need to take time clearing it.”
“Nonsense! Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead!”
“They can’t, sir, Willie Nelson is on the Ares and…”
“…Ugh, he’s always on their mine,” finished Blurp in disgust.
Just then the command ship jolted from a blast to the starboard section. “Sir, laser blast from a Klagon ship! Minimal damage.”
“That’s it,” raged Blurp, “they just scratched my new paint job. Counter-attack!”
“Aye, sir!” Rikerp studied his console. “The Freya reports moderate damage inflicted to a Cranium Consortium minesweeper and the Carrier Masoch has launched their bomber squadron to finish off a Tri-Bot destroyer in Sector Blau.”
If Blurp had fists, he would have pumped them into the air. “That’s what I’m talking about!” But his celebration was cut short by another blast into the starboard side, sending him spinning around. “Now what?!”
“Beam blast, sir,” replied Rikerp, “moderate damage.”
Bellerp strained to hear the com chatter and report. “Admiral, a new Cranium Consortium ship has entered Sector Rot and the Freya signals another strike on the Cranium carrier in that sector.”
“Hot dog! They’re on a roll!”
“Well, sir,” said Commander Rikerp, “they’re tactical officer is Joe Montana.”
“Oh, of course,” Blurp acknowledged, “that guy never misses.”
“But the Ares, did, sir,” bemoaned Bellerp. “The Klagons executed a perfect Shaun White Maneuver. Ain’t nothin’ touchin’ that!”
“Incoming fighters!” yelled Rikerp.
“Evasive action!” ordered Blurp as the ship hopped from side to side. “Geesh that was close! Do we got anything?!”
“Sir,” complied Bellerp, “an asteroid field is moving into our exposed Sector Grün! No one can hit us from there a while, now!”
“Well, that’s quite fortuitous!”
“And the Ares is back in action,” added Rikerp, “hitting a Cranium cruiser. But the Klagons avoided our bomber strike with a temporal flux – the entire squadron has disappeared!”
“Drat! Now we’ll never see them again until they wind up on Dancing with the Stars.”
“Sir,” said Rikerp, “the enemy fleets seem to be concentrating on each other.” Then eyes widening, “And the Tri-Bot command ship has been obliterated…their lone surviving starship is leaving the system.”
“Now’s our chance! Press the attack!”
“Yes, admiral,” beamed the tac officer, “the Ares has finally taken out the Klagon dreadnaught and the Freya reports a successful hit on a Cranium carrier!”
“Oh, happy dance!”
“Not so fast, sir,” warned Bellerp. “The Klagons are concentrating their firepower on our fleet! Both the Masoch and Freya are reporting minor damage.” Then smiling, “But….wait…a new Gorpian vessel is entering the system. It’s the Dreadnaught Hermes!”
“Well, if that ain’t a sight for sore eyes floating around in gelatinous cytoplasm! Deploy her into the exposed Grün Quadrant. Press the attack!”
With triumphant glee, Rikerp reported, “Admiral, the Ares has severely damaged a Klagon cruiser! And the Freya has finished off a Cranium carrier!”
“Ha-ha! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”
“Um, sir,” hesitated Bellerp, “this is a family-friendly site. That kind of nonchalant reference to such a terrible habit could have the OP banned.”
“I don’t care! They all can kiss my butt, if I had one!”
“Admiral,” interrupted Rikerp, “the Klagons are back with a vengeance! Both the Ares and Hermes report moderate damage. The Ares is in danger, sir!”
“Tell them they must stand! If they’re destroyed, then the enemy might shoot at me, instead, and that just can’t happen!”
“Yes, sir,” then pausing, “OH NO! The Cranium Consortium has successfully boarded the Hermes and captured her!”
Blurp was now practically frothing from the mouth; quite a considerable accomplishment considering he had none. “That’s not fair!”
“No time for that, sir,” said Rikerp, “the good news is the Masoch scored a direct hit, gloriously destroying a Klagon carrier! The bad news is our flank is completely exposed again and we’re heavily crippled.”
“Well, what do you have? There’s got to be something!”
“If I had a body, sir, I could strike an intimidating pose.”
The admiral squinted. “You’re a twerp, Commander.”
“Sir,” said Bellerp quietly and sadly, “incoming Cranium attack.”
“Are we dead, sir,” asked Bellerp.
“Well, we’re floating around, aren’t we?”
“We’ve always don’t that, sir,” pointed out Rikerp. "No bodies. Remember?"
“I mean metaphysically this time, you dolt! I wonder what Glorp Heaven is like?
“Look, sir,” gestured Bellerp. “There ahead. A sign. It reads: Tahiti!”
“Oh, that’s reassuring! Good times here we come! I hope none of those nerdy Craniums are there. Ugh, an eternity with those brainiacs…yikes.” Then pausing and observing, “Wait a minute, we’re floating right by. What?!”
“Hmmm…I don’t know, sir,” queried Rikerp, “but there. Look, another sign ahead.”
“Admiral,” squinted Bellerp, “it’s at the end of the road and it reads, um…Toledo?”
Good story. It reminds me of a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip:
Calvin: "Hobbes, where do we go when we die?"
Calvin: "Is that if we're good or if we're bad?"