Gordy Crozier
United Kingdom
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WARNING THERE ARE UNMARKED SPOILERS THROUGHOUT AND A LOT OF TOOT
*Scene opens in a well stocked library, an old historian sits in a high backed leather arm chair*
Hello and welcome to "Wars and Whatnot" a discussion programme looking at the brutal wars of #1268. The history of this planet is bloody and full of intrigue. A number of personalities are associated with these conflicts. There were five generals who allied themselves with the 5 different factions. Connor the (Apple) Genius with an interest in South America, Lawrence the Huh, an expert in strange tactics that hardly ever worked, Andrew the Patient a sporting tactician with a firm grip over the EU, Gordon the Bold, a handsome, charismatic, inspired leader whose flat acted as a staging area for the conflicts and Craig the Sick, whose appearance in this first round of battles was late in the day but decisive. These men would have an almost god like control over the peoples of this planet and it was their actions that would leave the planet irreparably screwed!

Battle 1
Its was on the 29th day of December in the year of our Lord 2011 when the first conflicts took place. As per usual it was started as most wars do over a wedding. Queen Daisy the Dancing of the Enclave of the Bear distinctly heard the grand moff of the Imperial Balkania's wife question the size of her rear end and if the dress did in fact make it appear larger. War broke out with other factions joining in as it was easier to do so than to not. The Enclave of the Bears (Conor) broke from their South American stronghold and charged into what could be termed for now Africa, from here they sparred with the Die Mechanikers and the Imperial Balkans in North America from their HQ in South America. The Imperial Balkanias (Lawrence) Controlled most of North America before crossing the ocean into Asia and then down towards Australasia. The Die Mechaniker (Andy) held Europe and sat there for some time. The Saharan Ruplicans (Gordy) set up in Australia and proceeded to do little for the rest of the game as they were too far out and after signing a peace agreement with their robotic neighbours in Europe were unable to do much but be strung out, until they were attacked by the Imperial Bulkans and nearly wiped out. It was however the Die Mechaniker's who struck forth after building up a sizable force in Europe into south America and into North America. By capturing these HQ all were forced to admit defeat. From the ashes of this conflict the minor towns of Judonia were formed in Western Australia, Conland City in Argentina and Tiger Town in the Northwest Territories. The biggest change however was in the naming of Europe to Andyberg, although the Die Mechanikers called it 110001110.

Battle 2
The second conflict occurred during the reparation talks on the 29th December 2011 when the official soft drink was named as Sainsbury's Cream Soda. Kahn Industries (Gordy), makers of a rival soft drink saw this as being unacceptable and declared war on the Enclave of the Bear (Conor), the Die Mechanikers (Andy) and the Imperial Balkanias (Lawrence). The Saharan Republic failed to attend as Australia was just too far out of the way. Kahn Industries started from their corporate HQ in Brazil and assaulted the Enclave of the Bear in nearby Central America, the fight was short and pointless and basically ensured that they were crippled for the rest of the war. The Bears staved off this assault and were forced to defend against a pincer assault from the Die Mechanikers from Iceland. The Die Mechaniker's again held Andyberg choosing to build up a large force. The Imperial Balkanians fearing that supplies of Kahn Industries Turnip-ade would be withheld made inroads into South America from their stronghold in South Africa leaving themselves thinly spread. Once again automated fury would be the winner here with the Die Mechaniker's decisive strike into Africa, South America and North America capturing their opponents HQs. From this the cities of Foxy Bingo Town (Western United States) and Lawrence-opolis (Madagascar) were founded with Kahn Industries adding value to one of the neighbouring countries. The Die Mechanikers founded the city of Haresville in Northern Europe declaring it to have some of the hottest appliances they had ever seen ("Did you see the whisks on that mixer? I bet she spins all night long!"). With this victory, the other armies looked for other ways to have victory and other ways to gain advantages (First packet is opened, person writes their name twice on the board).

Battle 3
Peace talks again led to complications. This time Invitations were sent to the wrong countries leading to the Saharan Republic being invited and the Bear Enclave being left out. As a result everyone took offence and declared war. The only issue was that everyone got confused as to who they came with and so took a different general. The Saharan left with Andy and set up in Europe. Kahn Industries tried to leave with someone different but got confused and took Gordy back with them to their Coperate retreat in Ontario. The Die Mechanikers set up shop in Venezula with Conor at their lead due to his extensive knowledge of I-products and handy wheel based interface. The battle was once again short. This time Kahn Industries seemed to hold all the cards (literally) and after beating the Saharans seemed poised to swap in some resources for the victory. However he had not counted on the Imperial Bulkanians. Having been left in the peace conference by themselves they took the last remaining general with them (Lawrence). He proved to be less than what they wanted and after they lost their HQ to the Die Mechanikers looked to be beaten. However Lawrence the Huh lived up to his name and instead of retaking their HQ (which they were right beside) went on a route march from Africa to Australia. This bold and daring move did... absolutely nothing to help them. However Conor led the Die Mechanikers to attack the Kahn held Saharan HQ leading to victory. The Die Mechanikers were so overjoyed they named their base in Venezuela Shemaland in their new commanders honour. Kahn Industries decided to name a city "This", reasons would be revealed. The Balkanians named a city MegaLawcity in China to remember their long march and to try to study the reason why it happened in the first place. The Saharan Republic placed a city known as Hare’s Gap in Western Europe.

Battle 4
Kahn Industries had become frustrated with their current CEO but were willing to sponsor one more war. So it was that a new war was fought in order to sell a range of action figures. Although missing the Christmas rush they felt that the 29th December was the best time to launch. Kahn Industries began their assault in Alberta and quickly assaulted the Saharan Republic’s (Andy) stronghold in Andyberg (or Europe). At the same time they broke a long standing accord between themselves and Die Mechaniker (Conor) and assaulted their stronghold in Venezuela. The Imperial Balkans (Lawrence) exhausted from all their marching took it easy and did little of note. Kahn Industries found that their numbers of sales increased with the more Saharan’s they killed so before collecting their final HQ they wiped the Saharan’s from the map. The Saharan's had learnt a lot from their defeat and so gained abilities which would aid them in their struggle, mainly how to get resources when the country was only expanded and not conquered. They also learned that they could do better in terms of general and so began to interview for a new one. The spoils of battle meant that a city in Egypt was established and more resources could be extracted from a particular territory. Kahn Industries named their continent they were established in “Rock and Roll”, all to make sense of a cross promotional deal with the band “Starship” you see they had Built “This” city on” Rock and Roll”. But more vitally the last of the minor cities were established. With this politics entered Earth 1288. The various cities demanded their interests be taken into account, they demanded that generals be held accountable. So it was that the idea of drafting was introduced. No General could hold all the cards but some would do very well!

Battle 5
The Enclave of the Bears approached the Chair of acquisitions of Kahn Industries and asked if he would help them. On the 29th December, he (Gordy) acquiesced and rose to the rank of Supreme Yogi. Setting up camp in Alberta, The Enclave made a charge at Kahn Industries (Conor) base of operations in Venezuela. The attack, while brave, was plain dumb and as a result the bear riders were crippled for the rest of the game. The Saharan (Andy) sought revenge and pushed the victory on wiping the bears from the map from their base in Northern Europe across from Iceland. The Bulkanians (Lawrence) poked at Kahn Industries resulting in the company deciding that Africa needed to purchase some of their brand new Easy Clean Smoothie Makers so swept the Balkanians from the map. Both the Bears and the Bulkanians returned but were ineffectual. This resulted in both sides getting advice on how they could fight better (both got elimination powers, we misunderstood this, they shouldn’t have but hey its our war!). Kahn Industries used a number of contacts in Argentina and Brazil to bolster their already sizable army with mercenaries. With this the Conland of Em came into existence covering the land known in our parlance as South America. More territories became more significant in terms of resources but vitally the last city hit the board in Egypt.

Battle 6
And so it came to pass that a new general would surface. Craig the Sick had been unable to take part in previous battles as he had a chest infection (or as some of his later detractors would say Man Flu). So it was that at tea time on the day of the 29th December that through the mists of North Africa that the Imperial Balkania stepped forth with neat uniforms, a sense of decency and a general who hacked his guts up. 3 of the remaining generals felt that Kahn Industries (Conor) had too big a share of the market and immediately demanded that the Balkans show them to be with them or against them in their fight against Kahn Industries. The Balkans fearing the wrath of 3 armies declared that they were with the majority. So two armies the Saharans (Gordy) and the Enclave of the Bear (Andy) said that they would not attack any faction engaged in battle with the company thought to be just behind Starbucks in terms of evil companies, the Die Mechanikers began in Ontario and offered to assault the HQ in Venezuela. Due to his inspired leadership and nifty uniforms the Imperial Balkania army triumphed against the manufacturing giant taking their HQ before the Die Mechanikers but pushed on up into Europe and took the Bears HQ as well. Craig the Sick had won a decisive victory but could it last? He immediately used his class to re-name Africa as “Incontinent”.

Battle 7
It was toward the end of the 29th December that the seventh battle commenced. Craig the sick sneezed covering the grand moff in sputum. They dismissed him and brought back Lawrence the Huh. He may have been odd but at least he didn’t throw his bodily fluids around. Craig the Sick took up with Kahn Industries, sponsored by “Sneeze-ease” cough syrup, and declared war on his former employer. The Bears continued to hibernate in Andyberg and the Die Mechaniker army returned to Venezuela. The Saharan made do in America but expected little from their general (Gordy). Conor felt aggrieved at Craig the Sick as they felt he had led the assault on his fortress in the previous war so a conflict raged between the two. It was however the idea of a World capitol that would win this war. Egypt became flagged as a possible venue which interested several parties. Kahn Industries currently held the region, the Balkans had however named it part of their homeland, it was on the doorstep of the Bears and easy reach of the Mechanikers. While each staked their claim, the Saharans remained silent. They needed a win. It was with this in mind that Gordy swapped in some resources to further equip some of their soldiers. They held the entire continent of America as well as three minor cities. With this in mind the Saharans rushed across the sea from Alaska to Kamchatka and swept down into Egypt. All stood amazed at the audacity of such a move. With this they established Pickle Town replacing the city already there. All marvelled at its magnificence. They stood at the brink and after holding on against onslaughts from the Bears from Europe, and Kahn Industries, they swept into Venezuela to take victory. So the city of Jucouver was founded. But more changes had entered the arena. A World Capitol to take and hold and factions would develop their own ideas of what would grant them victories.

*Cut back to the library*
And so ended the first round of battles. War is a bloody thing and these conflicts were no different. And so we leave this story for the meantime. Until then, I better go, I have no idea whose house this is and I think they just came back. Toodlepip!
*Sounds of sirens as screen goes black*

So yeah after a day’s play 4 packets have been opened. Our starting powers were
Bears= -1 to lowest defenders dice
Saharan= Manoeuvre at any point
Imperial Balkania= Round up not down when dividing by 3
Kahn= 1 extra troop at any HQ you control
Die Mechaniker= Base is always fortified.
In terms of wins Conor, Andy and myself (Gordy) have two wins, Craig has one and Lawrence has yet to sign his name. All in all one of the best days gaming I’ve ever had! Will try and put up more as we play more. I do apologise as I waffle (see above) Hope it made you smile at least!
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