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1989: Dawn of Freedom» Forums » General

Subject: So, how about some jokes? rss

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Matus G
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We hear a lot of sad stories about living in socialist regimes during Cold War era, about oppresion of civil and human rights, censorship, etc. But people always find a way how to cope with their hard living and humour is one of these means.

So, here are some jokes from Cold War era, I only hope I didn't spoil them much with my bad translation. And please, feel free to ad your favourite ones. I really wonder if there are also jokes from Western World (Europe or USA).


My favourite one:
- Can a young member of the Socialist Youth Union criticize the Communist Party?
- Of course he can. But it's a pity of loss of young man.
--------
Radio announcement during tense Chinese-Soviet relations:
A peacefull Soviet tractor was plowing near the Chinese-Soviet border when suddenly two Chinese fighters started an air attack. The peacefull Soviet tractor took off, counterattacked both Chinese fighters and after successfully destroying the fighters landed on the nearby Soviet military base.
--------
One about Nicolae Ceaușescu (Iwonder if this joke was popular in Romania too):
Morning radio broadcast:
- It's 6:30 AM. Our beloved leader Nicolae Ceaușescu wakes up and the whole Romania wakes up with him!
- It's 6:45 AM. Our beloved leader Nicolae Ceaușescu is exercising and the whole Romania exercises with him!
- It's 7:00 AM. Our beloved leader Nicolae Ceaușescu is eating his breakfast and the whole Romania is wishing him "Good apetite!"


I also hope I didn't offend anyone. I created this thread with my best intentions.
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Ted Torgerson
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A man is hopping on one foot in Revolution Square in Bucharest.

"Have you lost a shoe?" asks another man.

"No! I found one!"
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Ben Delp
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Great idea for a thread. More, please!

Maybe turn it into an open geeklist? That way everyone on the site can see and enjoy.
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Ted Torgerson
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Walter Ulbricht is sitting in a restaurant. The cute young waitress is flirting with him, and Ulbricht says, "I will grant you one wish."

The waitress asks, "Why don't you open the Wall for just one day."

Ulbricht replies, "Ahh. So you want to be alone with me?"
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Dan Moore
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"How does the communist system work?" asked a tourist in Red Square.

"Oh!" said the tour guide. "It is simplicity itself. We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay us."
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Ian Wakeham
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There are a number of jokes over at this page at the Making the History of 1989 site (just follow the links to documents A, B, C and D).

My own personal favourite from there:

A domestic GDR flight was hijacked to Bonn (West Germany). The airplane stood on the runway. The Central Committee debated for two hours over how to proceed. Finally, someone suggested that they ask the hijacker what his demands were. The hijacker, a married man with two children, listed three demands:

1. He wanted his Trabant delivered finally—it was ordered 14 years ago.
2. He wanted a three-bedroom apartment for his family.
3. He wanted a vacation rental this year on the Baltic Sea.

The mediator communicated these demands to the Central Committee. They debated for several more hours over whether or not to concede. Mielke advised the Central Committee not to give in, as they could create precedent by doing so. Someone suggested that they next ask the hijacker what he would do if his demands were not met. The mediator was sent to the airport to inquire. The hijacker's threat? "Then every hour I'll let two hostages go free...!"
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Wendell
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Si non potes reperire Berolini in tabula, ludens essetis non WIF.
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Hey, get your stinking cursor off my face! I got nukes, you know.
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The description of Soviet Communism I remember, told from the worker's perspective:

In communism, we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us.
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Wendell
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Si non potes reperire Berolini in tabula, ludens essetis non WIF.
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Hey, get your stinking cursor off my face! I got nukes, you know.
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And one I remember from ages ago:

Some guy called Joe has died and has gone to Hell. He is being escorted around by Satan, so Joe can select his torment.

Satan takes him to the first pit of Hell, and it's the traditional, flames-licking-at-the-naked-bodies-of-sinners type of hell, with much screaming and the smell of sulphur. Joe says "No thanks."

Satan shows Joe the next room - a Tantalus version of Hell. People are standing in water with grapes hanging above them. Doesn't look so bad, Joe thinks, but he notices the grapes are always out of reach, and the water always lowers when somebody tries to get a drink - an eternity of thirst and hunger. "No thanks" says Joe.

After a few other unpleasant pits of Hell, Satan shows Joe a very nice room, looks like a swishy hotel. In it is Marilyn Monroe, and smooching and slobbering all over her is Leonid Brezhnev. Joe goes "This is the one for me!"

Satan says, "Sorry that's not available. This is Marilyn Monroe's Hell."
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Matus G
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I know (only) one joke about USA:

USA wanted to create the ultimate spy. He was trained in Russian language, Soviet history, political situation, habits. He was perfect. So they sent him to Moscow to start gathering information.
But everyone who spy contacted turned around, didn't want to speak with him, and called him a spy.
So finally the desperate spy asked one man: "What am I doing wrong? My Russian is perfect without any foreign accent, I know all the habits, political situation, I can speak fluently on any Soviet topic and yet everone marks me as a spy."
And the man answered: "Well, you are black."
--------
And now some real info: Plzeň, a city in the western part of Czech republic was liberated at the end of the World War II by Americans. But Soviet propaganda tried to cover this fact, so we were thought in the school that it was Russians in american uniforms. Funny that some of the Russians were black.
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Matus G
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delp1871 wrote:
Great idea for a thread. More, please!

Maybe turn it into an open geeklist? That way everyone on the site can see and enjoy.

I can try to turn it into a geeklist, but I don't know how.
 
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Fabian Mainzer
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Two jokes allegedly told by N. Chrushchev himself:

When asked, what would have happened if he had been shot by an assassin and not J.F. Kennedy: "I don't know, but Aristotles Onassis for sure wouldn't have married Mrs. Chrushchev."


What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism? Capitalism is the exploitation of man by his fellow man. In Communism, it's the other way round."
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Judit Szepessy
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A boy from Austria and a boy from Hungary meet one day somewhere in Hungary. The Austrian boy is eating a ham sandwich. The Hungarian boy asks the Austrian to give him a bite. He refuses and then the Hungarian starts bragging.
H: - Please, give me a bite!
A: - No, I won't.
H:- But I have a one bedroom house!
A:- I have a four bedroom one!
H:- I have a Zaporovec car that can sit four people!
A:- I have a For van that can sit six people!
H:- Please, give me a bite!
A:- No, I won't!
H:- But we have a Warsaw Pack!
A:- We have something similar too!
H:- But also we have Council for Mutual Economic Assistance!
A:- One day we will have that one too!
H:- Yes, you might, but then you wont' have a ham sandwich!
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Christian Krach
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Erich Honnecker is visiting a LPG (agricultural production cooperation). But suddenly a pig runs right into his car, the driver could not stop and kills it. Honnecker is very upset and sents his driver to appologize. One hour later the man returns heavily drunken. "What happens?", H. wants to know. "I just said 'I am Honnecker's driver, the pig is dead!", he answered.
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Matus G
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Seven Wonders of Communism:
1. Everyone had a job.
2. Although everyone had a job, nobody did anything.
3. Although nobody did anything, the plan was fulfilled to 100%.
4. Although the plan was fulfilled to 100%, the shops were empty.
5. Although the shops were empty, everyone had everything.
6. Although everyone had everything, they were all stealing.
7. Although they were all stealing, nothing was missing.
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Richard
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Granted, this would be a couple years before '89 but close enough
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Matus G
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A man runs into Leonid Brezhnev's office:
- Comrade Brezhnev! There was an assassination attempt on John Paul II.!
And Brezhnev says:
- Oh, it's 13th May already?

(a joke that looks like there could be some truth in it)
---------
And another good one my colleague just told me:

A drunken man is walking through Moscow streets, when suddenly falls down. While trying to stand up he grabs on sewer bars and cries:
"Why, comrades, why?"
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Christian Krach
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Hm another one:
Honecker visits a school and asks on student:
"Well,son, who is your father?"
"Walter Ulbricht, Commrade Honecker !". he answers proudly.
"And who is your mother?"
"The GDR, Commrade!"
"And what do you want to be later in your life?"
"Orphan, Commrade!"

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Matus G
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Are you familiar with Radio Yerevan jokes? It was a fictional radio where people asked questions and Radio answered. The jokes were not only political, but still reflected the life in the Eastern block. You can read about the Radio on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Yerevan. There are also some good jokes.
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Proudly annoying Capitalists since 1959
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1 funny one, who most probably everybody knowns.

Honnecker gets up in the morning and looks at the sun. "good morning Sun" he says. "hello Erich" the sun said back.

During lunch Honnecker takes a small walk and looks up to the sky "good afternoon Sun" "good afternoon Erich" the sun replied.

Just before the sun sets, Honnecker looks out of the window and says "goodnight Sun". The sun doesn't reply.
"goodnight Sun" Honnecker says again.
No reply.

He opens the window and says "goodnight sun"
The sun turns around and says "I'm in the west now...."

Cheers, Haring

It's much funnier in its original german.
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Guillaume Lamothe
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A few jokes I remember about East Germany:

"Why do Trabants have a heater at the back?
- To keep your hands warm while you're pushing it."

"What would happen if the desert suddenly became a socialist country?
- Nothing, for a while. But then there would be a sand shortage."

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Rafał Harasimowicz
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Q: What would have been in Poland without communist government?
A: Everything.

----------------

Q: What is the plural for the word "person"?
A: A queue

EDIT: I've changed the first joke. The previous version wasn't the best translation. I hope now is OK.
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Matus G
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Raphus wrote:
Q: What is the plural for the word "person"?
A: A queue


No way! There is a game about queueing?

Also great jokes!
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Rafał Harasimowicz
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stosedem wrote:
Also great jokes!


So I have another one:

Mao Zedong phones to Joseph Stalin and asks:
- Comrade Stalin, could you send us 100 000 tons of coal?
- No problem - says Stalin.
A week later Mao phones again:
- Comrade Stalin, I need 100 000 tons of grain. Could you send us that, please?
- For you everything comrade.
A month later the same situation:
- Comrade Stalin, could you send us 100 000 tons of rice?
Stalin says:
- Coal - OK, grain - wasn't a problem as well, but I don't know where the Poles will find 100 000 tons of rice.

(Maybe this time I translated it properly.)
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Dan Williams
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Two guys are standing in line for vodka near Red Square. After a couple of hours the first says, "To hell with it. I'm tired of this. I'm going to go shoot that SOB Gorbachev," and takes off. A little while later he returns, and his friend asks, "Well, did you do it?" To which, he replies, "No, the line was longer for people waiting to shoot him than it is here."
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Rafał Harasimowicz
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There was an exchange of secretaries between the US and CCCP embassies. Two weeks later, the American secretary is typing a message to the Americans:
"Dear Sirs,
It’s terrible here. No new technologies. I keep making tea for my boss, and I got such a long skirt that I can hardly walk."
At the same time a message is being sent to Russia:
"Dear Sirs,
It’s terrible here. There are computers, lights, buttons all over the place and I have nothing to do. I am getting bored. And they gave me such a short skirt that my balls and Kalashnikov may be seen."
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