Rusty McFisticuffs
United States
Arcata
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After 30 minutes of haggling--in which real tears were unsuccessfully deployed as a negotiating tactic--the kids and I have agreed on the toppings for our take-and-bake pizza.

("But why do we have to get tomatoes?" "Same reason as the last three times you asked: because they're good for you." "Well, I'm going to pick them out." "And then eat them, right?" "Yes, I'll pick them out, and wash them off, and then eat them." "Fine, I don't care how you eat the only healthy part of your dinner, just that you do." "But why do we have to get tomatoes? Why can't we get it without tomatoes, and then stop at the store and get a tomato, and then I'll eat that--" "What!? Because-- Because that would be-- Look, I'm going to become violent, do you understand?")

So, now we're arguing over who's going to run home to turn on the oven while the pizza is being assembled. The burrito boy wants to run home alone, but doesn't know how to operate an oven because it's not some lame iPod app; Hellhammer knows how to do it, but I don't trust her to run home in the dark without getting hit by a car; I can't let them both go because I need someone to carry the cheesy-bread; etc. (See, and you didn't think there was a practical application for those logic puzzles where a farmer is trying to cross a stream in a rowboat which only has room for a goat or a cabbage or a dog.) Finally we agree that the boy will go alone, once he's been briefed on the operation of the oven.

"So, I press 'bake,' and then press up and down to change the temperature to 375?"
"Right. But first, look inside the oven to make sure one of the cats hasn't crawled inside and died."
"You would like that, wouldn't you."
"Of course not! Burning cat hair smells terrible. Here are the keys."
"Par-tay!"
"Son, focus on the meaning, not the words: the solution no one talks about is beating the goat into unconsciousness with the cabbage."

Just then the pizza guy tells us our pizza is ready, so the boy sprints out the door so that he can beat us home.

A few minutes later, as Hellhammer and I are crossing a street a few blocks from our house, she mutters that she hopes her brother crossed carefully.

"Yeah," I say, "if you see a long red smear and what look like his shoes, let me know."

"That would be great!," she shouts. "I wouldn't have to share you and Mommy."

"Well, don't you think we'd be a lot less fun? We would always be crying about how our child died."

"It's OK, I would cheer you up. I would wake you up every morning with a puppet show."

"A what--did you say a puppet show?"

"Yes. It would be about how he got hit by a car, and at the end I would splash red paint on you."
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Andy Andersen
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Michigan
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The time may be ripe for some therapy (but I'm not sure for whom).

The puppet show does show compassion, however.

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Joe Gola
United States
Redding
Connecticut
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and everything under the sun is in tune
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You are sick, twisted, hilarious man.

And here I thought I was a bad parent because yesterday I was chirpily telling the heir about how the three witches told Macbeth how he was going to become king and he just couldn't wait so he sneaks into the king's chamber while the king is sleeping and, heh heh, get this....
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Marc P
United States
Seattle
Washington
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Gloomhaven is a great niche game
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What--tomatoes? I thought pizza was a vegetable...


But seriously, couldn't you just have gotten a side salad or something?
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Tim Thorp
United States
Granite Falls
Washington
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"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? "
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Therapy, hell...you need to get an agent. You're family stories are ripe for a weekly series in the ABC lineup!
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David Debien
United States
Round Rock
Texas
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It's eat the cabbage, take the goat on the boat and let the dog swim. Or was that eat the dog and let the cabbage swim...
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Richard Hedke
United States
Gibraltar
Michigan
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Most problems can be solved with either a stiff drink, a bowel movement, or a bullet.
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No offense, but don't try representing her yourself. Get her a good agent now so he can start booking her on the talk show circuit.
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Troy Davidson
United States
Bountiful
Utah
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bismarck1871 wrote:
No offense, but don't try representing her yourself. Get her a good agent now so he can start booking her on the talk show circuit.


And an account on BGG. I want to hear her side of the story. It sounds like pure comedy gold.
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Robert Wesley
Nepal
Aberdeen
Washington
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That only required some 'befitting ending', such as with: "...the 'kuhrusticrats'!" whistle
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Chris Tannhauser
United States
San Diego
California
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She liked farming...
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...he preferred stabbing things in the neck.
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See, this is where all the hard work and social stigma of parenting inappropriately comes back to repay you thousandfold. Everything after this gets intensely interesting; even the most boring obligatory family function is suddenly a mad cabaret of language and ideas... and best of all, you're no longer the asshole for saying the thing that makes everyone gasp.

So have a seat and enjoy the show—those kids are ready to man the strings.
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Aloha!
United States
Kalamazoo
Michigan
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Meega, nala kwishta!
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AAGH! YOU'RE TOUCHING ME!
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I'm not sure what's worse, that you constantly have these tales of emotional scarring or that they have caused me to subscribe to you long ago.
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Dave Wilson
United States
Pleasanton
California
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kuhrusty wrote:
After 30 minutes of haggling--in which real tears were unsuccessfully deployed as a negotiating tactic


I'm still trying to figure exactly who deployed the tears.
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The Minister of Sinister
United States
Pennsylvania
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As you guide your cursor over the blue avatar a strange feeling of dread comes over you.
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"take and bake" pizza ?

you West Coasters are so damn cutting edge....

round these parts we just make the pizza place cook it
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Key Locks
United States
McCordsville
Indiana
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Mulligans wrote:
"take and bake" pizza ?

you West Coasters are so damn cutting edge....

round these parts we just make the pizza place cook it

On the west coast the pizza places can't be trusted to cook it.
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Larry Haskell
United States
Springfield
Illinois
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...so... a stripper who does a puppet act. She's got her future all figured out.

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Robert Wesley
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Aberdeen
Washington
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While SHE doesn't 'believe' they're: "hitchhiking girls"; either! surprise
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