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Subject: Joke rss

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Tuomas Korppi
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Where did Robin Hood store monks? - In a tuckbox.
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fightcitymayor
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Pennsylvania
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Proprietor and Chairman Emeritus of The Naughty Palace
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A woman has twins, and gives them both up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Rob
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30° 12′ 38″ N, 95° 45′ 2″ W
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You can't rob Peter, Paul and Mary to pay yourself.
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What is Spiderman's favorite brand of rice?

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Uncle Ben's
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CHAPEL
United States
Round Rock
Texas
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"that's a smith and wesson, and you've had your six"
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What did the Brontosaur say to the Tyrannosaurus after eating lunch?

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Nothing, because they're all dead.
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Morgan Dontanville
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Charlottesville
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Plate of Shrimp.
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Here we are folks, the dream we all dream of.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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Chips Reynolds
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Lake Orion
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Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First, a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or greenish, or black..."

Second little boy..."Leaves are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the leaves are all kinds of colors."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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Chips Reynolds
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Lake Orion
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(a bit long, but worth it)


The factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the
Tickle Me Elmo toys, is hiring.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM .

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really
beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge
bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I
gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles .
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Rudy
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No too far from Philly
Pennsylvania
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...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
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...and reaching forth unto those things which are before,...
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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Michael Edwards
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Everett
Washington
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YA R'LYAH
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Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn! With cheeze!
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I was just reading a "Ask Me Anything" thread with Notch, the creator of Minecraft. Someone asked him his favorite knock knock joke.

Quote:
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Jason.

Jason who?

Please unlock the door, Mom, you need to take your medicine.

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R.T. Sloan
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A man returns from the drug store and is excited to tell his girlfriend that he has just purchased a box of Olympic themed condoms.

"Tonight I'm going to going to wear the yellow one, and go for the gold." he says.

To witch she replies, "Why don't you wear the silver and try finishing second for once in your life."

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Robert Wesley
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Chanfan wrote:
I was just reading a "Ask Me Anything" thread with Notch, the creator of Minecraft. Someone asked him his favorite knock knock joke.

Quote:
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Jason.

Jason who?

Please unlock the door, Mom, you need to take your medicine.

wow ~"Knocketh Knocketh!"
~"who dat dare?"
~"...`tis 'moi' William Shakespeare; 'bard' extraordinaire sans 'doubtseth'!"
arrrh ~"it's 'Shakesbeard' and he was a 'famous pirate'!..."
~"dag, yo!..."
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Eddie Meister
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Peoria
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You know what the funny thing is about corn?

It looks the same coming out as it does going in.
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Chris
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Chicago
Illinois
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God messed up and here I am!
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It is my firm belief that little puppy dogs named Mr. Poopytime will bring our country together!
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I'm so "Meta", even this acronym.
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David Bush
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Radiant
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A rampart, a smooj, and a flumgee were flarngring in the veldt one day. Says the umpox, "oblee me a wabba." But sernz were they on the umpox. Finally many things had to happen. Sarko was rest! We achieve the dynamic tension.

Heh Vogon humor.
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I like board games more than most people.
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Northlake
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When I die I want people to look at the condition of my games and say, "Man, he really played these alot."
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

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The Holocaust


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Robert Wesley
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What's 'worstest' than finding the "Holocaust" within your 'apple'?
Spoiler (click to reveal)
WERE such an actual 'caramel' sort!
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VETRHUS of Rogaland
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Milwaukee
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An ash I know, Yggdrasil its name. With water white is the great tree wet; thence come the dews that fall in the dales. Green by Urth's well does it ever grow.
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What's BROWN and STICKY??

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a stick.
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Jeff Wiles
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Two ducks were sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other "Would you pass the soap?" The other duck replies "What do I look like? A typewriter?"
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Middlesboro
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What kind of cheese isn't yours?

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Nacho Cheese!





(This is my all time favorite joke.)
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Mystery McMysteryface
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Florida
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In a kindergarten class the teacher was teaching the 5 senses. She handed out Life Savers to the children to teach about the sense of taste. After successfully identifying all the regular flavors, the teacher gave the children honey-flavored ones.

The children were stumped, so the teacher gave them a hint: "It's what your mommy usually calls your daddy."

Mary screams: "Aargh, everyone spit them out--they're assholes!!"
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CW Lumm
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Hampden
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

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Beef jerky.
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Mystery McMysteryface
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The real story of Cinderella:

When the Fairy Godmother appears to Cinderella and gives her the clothes, carriage, horses, etc., she tells her: "Cinderella, if you're not back by midnight your you-know-what will turn into a pumpkin."

"Oh, don't worry Fairy Godmother, I'll definitely be back by midnight."

The Fairy Godmother watches Cinderella go off to the ball and sits up to wait for her. 11pm, 11:30pm, Midnight, and Cinderella is nowhere to be seen.

Finally, at 3:30am, Cinderella arrives home, skipping and singing.

Horrified, the Fairy Godmother says: "Cinderella, didn't I tell you that if you weren't back by midnight that your you-know-what would turn into a pumpkin?"

"Oh, it's OK, Fairy Godmother, you see, on the way home I met Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater....
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Uffe
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Chanfan wrote:
I was just reading a "Ask Me Anything" thread with Notch, the creator of Minecraft. Someone asked him his favorite knock knock joke.


He also delivered this diamond on his blog a while ago:

Notch wrote:
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it’s not dangerous. He said it was distracting him.
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Tuomas Korppi
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What is Scottish Jacuzzi like? - You eat a can of beans before bath...
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