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Subject: Excerpts from Imaginary Novels rss

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Joe Gola
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Redding
Connecticut
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and everything under the sun is in tune
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She smelled like paint, dead birds, and a weekend on the tilt-a-whirl, and yet somehow she was still the prettiest girl in town.
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Morgan Dontanville
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Plate of Shrimp.
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Here we are folks, the dream we all dream of.
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The cruel hat slid on perfectly despite the angles that would make it seem impossible.
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Paul DeStefano
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Long Island
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It's a Zendrum. www.zendrum.com
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Angela's sister, an only child, slept that night in the deep sleep of a kitten with three legs after first encountering the marvelous miracle of yarn.
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James Bentley
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Cleburne
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It was a stormy and dark night...
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Shaky Ulnas
Canada
Steinbach
Manitoba
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Yet feet that wandering have gone
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Turn at last to home afar
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Facing forward, the man reared back. He had been petting a hairless cat the entire time!
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Erik D
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Pasadena
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Strict government regulations prevented him from hitting sand even if he fell off a camel.
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Adrian Hague
United Kingdom
Bristol
Bristol
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RAWKET LAWNCHA!!!
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The cellar door gaped wide open.
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Texas
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"that's a smith and wesson, and you've had your six"
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The ivory keys felt as if the beast they once were attached to were barreling into his bruised fingers, but he wouldn't give Master Domenico the satisfaction of anything less.
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Matt B
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Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice, 'without pictures or conversation?'
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Troy Davidson
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Bountiful
Utah
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Best. Imaginary. Novels. Site. Evar:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

I love this one:

A small assortment of astonishingly loud brass instruments raced each other lustily to the respective ends of their distinct musical choices as the gates flew open to release a torrent of tawny fur comprised of angry yapping bullets that nipped at Desdemona’s ankles, causing her to reflect once again (as blood filled her sneakers and she fought her way through the panicking crowd) that the annual Running of the Pomeranians in Liechtenstein was a stupid idea.
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Mark Finch
United Kingdom
BERKSHIRE
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Rule changes for tonight's game:-
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. No, the best. No, it was the worst. Best. Worst. Best best best. Worsiest worst. Triple best.Asshat.

Fin.
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Scott A. Reed
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Lawrence
Kansas
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The dog just wouldn't stop bleeding.
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Liam
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She raced to turn the computer on. With a targeted flick of her finger it shuddered into duty-bound life. She speedily opened the application Word 98 but it was too late. No sooner had she typed, "Dear John", than the black hole opened and time ceased. The monkeys had won; the badger, of course, had been right all along.

surprise
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Liam
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Emma awoke and instantly realised something was wrong when she spotted she had an erection. In the adjoining bedroom her brother too was having an difficult day. He awoke as a giant bug but still suffered from erectile dysfunction.

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Chris Tannhauser
United States
San Diego
California
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Be cool.
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No—cooler than that.
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The thick musk of sex done well and hard hung in the air like a Jesus painting in a church. A sheen of denatured Cool Whip coated their bodies and the bunching sheets—there were rainbow jimmies in her hair, in the laugh crevices of her eyes, jumbled in fuzzy zigzags along the broad line where her ribcage subtended her breasts. The jimmies even stood, impossibly, about her erect nipples like twin dioramas of varicolored druids worshipping an ancient monolith. God damn, thought Chad breathlessly, God damn.
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Liam
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Suddenly fearful now, with a hard rain falling down all around him, he though of his life so far. From modest beginning he became a binman in his hometown. Ever proud he introduced himself as the best binman in the whole of Louisville. Sometimes the best binman in the whole world.

He prayed to Allah as a lucky and unlucky NVA mortar landed on top of his position. Extracts from the telegram read: Private Cassius Clay Was Killed In Action In The Tay Ninh Province Of South Vietnam (stop) His Country Thanks Him For His Patriotic Service (stop). Greatness remained unmentioned.


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Aloha!
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Kalamazoo
Michigan
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Meega, nala kwishta!
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AAGH! YOU'RE TOUCHING ME!
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Lincoln! Why was it always Lincoln? Not many people knew Hitler was Lincoln in disguise spreading his own brand of evil through the ages, but one 7th grader knew. Josh Hill was that 7th grader and now he needed to find out why the 16th president and history's greatest secret monster was now selling used cars in Hoboken.
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If I was truly the product of “Intelligent Design,” I’m pretty sure my fingers would be smaller or my nose would be bigger.
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Kansas City
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I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not, and I’m sick and tired of being told that I am.
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From an unpublished science-fiction novel...

"More thrust, dammit!" she said to the man behind her.
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Billy McBoatface
United States
Lexington
Massachusetts
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KGS is the #1 web site for playing go over the internet. Visit now!
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Yes, I really am that awesome.
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And there was Dad, masturbating in public. Again.
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Rudy
United States
No too far from Philly
Pennsylvania
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I got...
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...something. :)
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I couldn't believe it. She just sat there right in front of me, naked, legs spread wide. I didn't know what to do. I was just a skinny teenager with acne and a squeaky voice. Even though I had the proper protection, I still wasn't anywhere near ready. But standing there motionless wasn't going to work, so I closed my eyes and went at it. Who was I to turn down the honor of carving the Thanksgiving turkey?
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Mystery McMysteryface
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Florida
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"Oh, no!" she thought, "Not Frank, again!"

She quietly eased herself out of her Camry and began to fumble with her purse. As she came abreast of him, she fixed her tricky smile upon her face--the one that was a cross between "great to see you!" and "oh, is it you?"
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Tim Thorp
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Granite Falls
Washington
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"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? "
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Kowalski's hatred of the human race was not limited to nazis and FTD florists.
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Avri Balofsky
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Tel Mond
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Nobody ever asked where all the surplus khaki ended up. Nobody ever cared.
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Moshe Callen
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Jerusalem
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ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, μοῦσα, πολύτροπον, ὃς μάλα πολλὰ/ πλάγχθη, ἐπεὶ Τροίης ἱερὸν πτολίεθρον ἔπερσεν./...
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μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος/ οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,/...
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My great-grandfather died that day on Mt. Doom, pushed by the evil Baggins. Betrayed and finally murdered, Smeagol could not know that a worse fate awaited even yet as his very memory became reviled. He would forever after be known only by the hated epithet of Gollum and only the hated Baggins would tell his side of the tale-- at least until now.

This is the true account of what really happened, the true life-story of Smeagol Deagolsson, known unfairly to history as Gollum....
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Aloha!
United States
Kalamazoo
Michigan
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Meega, nala kwishta!
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AAGH! YOU'RE TOUCHING ME!
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Once again, Harold found himself knee-deep in guacamole. Perhaps it was time he reconsidered his choice of drinking buddies. Well, there was nothing for it but to start digging the graves.

He hated that part.
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