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Subject: Blurb Text rss

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michael brown
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I have been considering sending copies of the main game that I have been working on (Unpublished Prototype) to certain reviewers so that I can prepare for a possible kick starter campaign, but I realize that the current blurb that I have for the game is not very good.

I am actually developing the game and 4 expansions at the same time (really I was making a huge game until I realized it would be way too expensive, and decided to break it up)

I am not a writer. I would appreciate some help looking them over. They are pretty small (I am imagining them going on the back of a double wide tuck box)

Here are my attempts to rewrite the blurb.

Are they too wordy?
Too short?
Do they hurt your eyeballs?
Are they awesome?

Thanks
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Steve Evans
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Set sail into the vast blue oceans and build a new life for youself.
You must rely on your wit and knowledge to navigate the pitfalls of native customs, build relationships and acquire the favour of local gods to unlock the wealth hidden in this island paradise.

Be warned though, you aren't the only one with this ideal, so keep an eye out for rival canoes on the horizon.

ooOOoo

Sound about right?
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michael brown
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Thank you both - I think I like Todd's better overall.

Steve, your reply was good and well worded (I especially liked the first sentence), it just seems to have made a wrong assumption about the nature of the game: that you are integrating yourself into the lives of a Polynesian culture, where 'you' don't in fact exist as far as the game is concerned (more than as a force leading a group of people)

I will rewrite it and try to add in elements from both of your write ups.

If either of you would like to look at the other ones I would welcome feedback from either of you.
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