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Subject: For some reason I feel like anti-jokes are in order today rss

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Steve B
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Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was stuffed in the back of a truck that was taking it to the processing plant with its brethren in order to be killed and processed for consumption.
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Rudy
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...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
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...and reaching forth unto those things which are before,...
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Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? ... He uses the finest ingredients.

I like my coffee like my women. ... Without a penis.

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Steve B
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tickmanfan wrote:

I like my coffee like my women. ... Without a penis.


Not sure if that's an anti-joke, but I don't care. Hilarious.

How did the doctor treat his patients? Malpractice

Why did the cow sit on the grass all day? It was paralyzed and couldn't move.
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Josh Jennings
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Knock knock.
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Rishi A.
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thermogimp wrote:
Knock knock.


Who's there?
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Josh Jennings
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Rishi wrote:
thermogimp wrote:
Knock knock.


Who's there?


To.
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Rishi A.
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thermogimp wrote:
Rishi wrote:
thermogimp wrote:
Knock knock.


Who's there?


To.


To who?
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Josh Jennings
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Rishi wrote:
thermogimp wrote:
Rishi wrote:
thermogimp wrote:
Knock knock.


Who's there?


To.


To who?


To whom.
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Sean Brulet
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There are three bears in a bathtub. The first bear says to the third bear, "Can you pass the soap?" and the third bear says "No soap radio."
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Rudy
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...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
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...and reaching forth unto those things which are before,...
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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? ... Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What is red and smells like blue paint? ... Red paint.

You know what really hurts my feelings? ... Nerve damage.

You know it's hot, when you go outside and it's hot.
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Seth Brown
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What's the difference between Christmas and a toaster?

One is an overly commercialized holiday that has expanded beyond all bounds of good taste and time, destroying America by festooning it with unpleasant sights and sounds for more than a month straight, creating misery whenever I venture into public spaces, and whipping up such a mercenary frenzy that people will be trampled to death this Friday as they go shopping, and the other one is a toaster.
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☆ ✧ ☆ ✧ ☆
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Looking at these stars suddenly dwarfed my own troubles and all the gravities of terrestrial life. I thought of their unfathomable distance, and the slow inevitable drift of their movements out of the unknown past into the unknown future. H.G. Wells
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Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. Chief Seattle
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

What is green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels.
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Steve B
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How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one as he or she is properly trained in completing this task.

A man is driving down the road minding his own business. Suddenly a deer jumps in front of his car and he runs right into the deer. The deer lands perfectly in the passenger seat unharmed! The man couldn't believe it! He went to say something, but died from the glass that had penetrated his skull.
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Rishi A.
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"Ask me if I'm a fire truck."
"Are you a fire truck?"
"No."
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Rudy
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...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
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Rishi wrote:
"Ask me if I'm a fire truck."
"Are you a fire truck?"
"No."

I just noticed that your avatar looks like it is flipping someone off... or is that a plant?
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Michael
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☆ ✧ ☆ ✧ ☆
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Looking at these stars suddenly dwarfed my own troubles and all the gravities of terrestrial life. I thought of their unfathomable distance, and the slow inevitable drift of their movements out of the unknown past into the unknown future. H.G. Wells
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Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. Chief Seattle
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Your momma's so fat that she is receiving medical care to prevent the onset of diabetes and is taking pills which control her blood pressure.
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Rishi A.
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tickmanfan wrote:
Rishi wrote:
"Ask me if I'm a fire truck."
"Are you a fire truck?"
"No."

I just noticed that your avatar looks like it is flipping someone off... or is that a plant?


It is a plant. But knowing that my avatar is flipping people off does not make me in the least bit inclined to change it.
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Morgan Dontanville
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Plate of Shrimp.
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Here we are folks, the dream we all dream of.
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Rishi wrote:
tickmanfan wrote:
Rishi wrote:
"Ask me if I'm a fire truck."
"Are you a fire truck?"
"No."

I just noticed that your avatar looks like it is flipping someone off... or is that a plant?


It is a plant. But knowing that my avatar is flipping people off does not make me in the last bit inclined to change it.


You should have seen him at the con. It is gonna takes three weeks before I get my cast off.
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♪ Isaäc Bickërstaff ♫
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Entropy Seminar:
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The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekund lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot.
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Why can't Helen Keller have kids?

She's dead.

-----

An Irishman, a Jew, and a gay man walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

-----

A man walks into a bar and pauses. At the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head, just sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "What's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."
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Josh Jennings
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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Getting raped by a giant scorpion.
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The neutral evil villain known as
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My wife heard this from my son's teacher.

My son is in class. they were writing about heroes.
He is stuck and the teacher says, "what about your dad?"

He turns to her and says,"Have you MET my dad?"

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Clay Blankenship
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That's a moray!
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tickmanfan wrote:

You know it's hot, when you go outside and it's hot.


This summer, they kept showing those commercials saying, "How do you know it's summer? The Ford summer sales event is here." and I was thinking, maybe because its 106 degrees* outside!!!!!


*Farenheit

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kSwingrÜber
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Q) Why did ten people suddenly get up from their tables and leave the resturant?

A) Because there were done with their dinners.
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Matt Kruczek
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Three men walk into a bar.

One is from a different ethnic or socio-demographic grouping than the other two.

And the scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability...


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