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Through the Ages: A Story of Civilization» Forums » Sessions

Subject: General Incompetence Builds a Civilisation rss

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John S
Australia
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At the dawn of recorded history, the purple skinned people emerged from their cave and surveyed the land around them. They saw a proud warlike orange people, ruthlessly efficient green people and highly cultured greys. The hearts of the purple people sank, they knew fear and huddling together they sought safety. When someone using the title of General offered them protection as long as they gave him complete power over them their fear led them to accept the offer and so sacrificing their liberty a despotic form of government was established under the leadership of the general, General Incompetence.

The General wasted no time in appointing Forefather Czech as his 2IC (later to be replaced by Leonardo) to look after the less important areas while he concentrated on security. For a while things looked good for the purple nation as the 2IC's set about efficiently building a strong infrastructure upgrading the farms and expanding and upgrading the mines and labs. A wonderous garden was also errected which brought much happiness and renown to the purple people. However, it only took a quick glance at the General's efforts at protecting his people to see rough times ahead. Although the efficiency of the 2IC's saw a large defence budget, the General showed his predilection for the latest fad by spending up big on the latest thing, horses, and totally ignored upgrading his existing forces. Meanwhile he appointed tacticians who were traditionalists and who spent all of their time teaching the three guys with clubs how to combine together magnificently. When asked what should be done with the horses the tacticians thought long and hard before asking "What are horses?"

After further deliberation they declared that the horses could be made good use of in a ceremonial capacity. General Incompetence decided this was a fantastic idea, nothing helps keep a despot in power more than a good ceremony. But it was not good enough to add a small ceremonial division to his army. General Incompetence wanted the world's largest and most technologically advanced ceremonial division. To achieve this the general again went with the latest fads. He ordered his scientists to discover how to make the new cannons he had heard about and his engineers to build great big new boats to bring many people to his nation. His propaganda department came up with lots of glossy brochures filled with pictures of the Hanging Gardens to lure people onto the boats.

Meanwhile, the fact that the General's army was mainly ceremonial had not gone unnoticed. While the warlike orange skinned people had been content to take out their aggression in the traditional manner on the highly cultured grey's under the leadership of Julius, he had died and his successor, a young man by the name of Napoleon, was keen to try new ideas. One of these new ideas was that ceremonial horses and guys with clubs make a better target than cannons and swords. When they saw how easily Napoleon was taking the General's things the grey skinned people joined in and later the green people thought they'd have a go too. By the time that the aggressions were over Leonardo had been assassinated (after which the general decided that he didn't need a 2IC), unfinished scientific research taken, the mines relieved of their stockpiles and all place names removed from the purple capital and replaced with signs saying "Loserville".

The purple people were too scared to remove the new signs and after a while forgot that their town had ever been called anything other than "Loserville". The damage would have been much worse except that the guys with clubs had discovered that holding up little blue cards with the word defense written on them made the aggressors go away. They didn't know why it worked but were thankful that they seemed to be able to produce blue cards better than the other civilisations.

The General looked at the decimation and called his subordinates to find out why his magnificant ships were not working to increase his army as quickly as he expected. He soon discovered that the new arrivals were standing around rather than joining the military. "Why are these men not fighting?" the general demanded. "Because, General Incompetence, they are unhappy. They came on the promise of the Great Hanging Gardens but the gardens are now overcrowded and the trampled plants and litter don't match the pictures in the brochures."

"Well how do we make these people happy, I need them to fight" demanded the General. "We could build a temple, using the ancient methods" the tacticians chorused. "No, we must have an up to date solution" snapped the General. "Some of the new arrivals used to be singers, we could build opera houses and they could sing", suggested one of the advisers tentatively. "Will this make my people happy?" demanded General Incompetence. "Well, er, no, the people don't actually like opera, but it will make the singers happy because they like to sing."

"How, exactly, will this make my army bigger" inquired the General, with quiet menace in his voice. "Well, the opera singers could be part of the military sire, in the ceremonial division" was the response. To everyone's surprise and relief the General liked this idea. "I'll have the biggest army yet" he boomed.

So it was that at the dawn of the modern era General Incompetence found himself inspecting a military that consisted of three guys with clubs (in a magnificent ancient formation), three ceremonial knights and two opera singers. In the middle of the inspection the opera singers burst into song "Napoleon has an air force". The General was the only one not to flinch. He barked, "Does Napoleon have three guys with clubs in magnificent formation?" "No General", the guys with clubs responded. "Does Napoleon have General Incompetence?", the General demanded. "No general", sang the opera singers. "Then we have nothing to fear", declared the General. The despairing sighs of his inadequate military were drowned out by Napoleon's war planes.

The guys with clubs used them to dig holes to hide in. But Napoleon's airforce flew straight over Loserville and kept going, for Napoleon was no longer interested in a backwater like Loserville. His focus was now on the well rounded civilisation built by the green skinned people and the cultural masterpiece built by the greyskins. His first war was aimed at the green people, whereas the second wiped the greys from the map. Sensing victory Napoleon aimed his war machine at the greens for a second time. When they still refused to fall he declared war on the greens for a third time. This time there was no holding back and when the dust cleared both armies had been obliterated but the green civilisation was still standing defiantly.

Having the only remaining army, even if it was three guys with clubs, the purple people had begun to hope. They tore down the Loserville signs. Hope further increased when Napoleon retired taking his last military unit with him to his retirement colony. Charlie Chaplin took his place making movies to celebrate the magnificant military history of the orange people. The opera singers grew bold enough to mock, "He doesn't even talk let alone sing."

The General after the best part of two ages with no support appointed Albert as his new 2IC for this new period of purple dominance. The tacticians inspired by the way the guys with clubs had dug holes to hide in while the wars raged around them had even come up with a new idea of entrenching the army. They even found the old dusty plans for building the cannons they would need to make it work. The newfound military confidence was not even dented by the greenmen rebuilding their classically trained army complete with accompanying air support under their wily leader Winston.

General Incompetence inspired his army to charge out for their first aggressive action in recorded history (after all recorded history was about to end). They charged out with enthusiasm towards the proud but defenceless orange people to take their seven volume History of Glorious Military Conquest. In full charge went the regular army of one guy with club supported by two cannons. Following them were the ceremonial division consisting of one guy with club, two knights, three opera singers and the recently added professional tennis player. Just before they reached the non-existent orange army, the purple army screeched to a halt and dug a trench just as the tacticians had taught them. Falling into the trench and on top of the regular army were the ceremonial guy with a club, two knights, three opera singers and professional tennis player. The entire defenceless orange nation came out laughing at them and dejected the purple army returned home emptyhanded, the opera singers singing dirges, to face the greens in war.

The military advisers assured the General that they could beat the greens if he concentrated all his efforts on building an air force and giving the guy with the club a gun. But the General would not hear that counsel, "The green men have an air force, the orange men have had a number of air forces. General Incompetence does not follow, he leads. Give me something new, give me a space ship."

So while the green army came in and took away the opera singers best of album 'Laments of Our Time' the purple people were distracted by launching the world's first spaceship. Because the purple people hadn't taken any notice of the war, Churchill had his army immediately invade again to take purple's greatest literary work "Seven Things Losers Eat for Breakfast" and reerected the Loserville signs. With that history ended and the blue and red and yellow people came to judge which civilisation was the greatest. They toured each civilisation and at last the General found something he was good at. He wined and dined the judges and was able to influence which criteria they should use better than the other leaders.

Thus after 12 aggressions and 5 wars during which the General led the only nation not to win any of them while losing 4 aggressions and a war (and having three aggressions called a draw because of mystical blue cards with the word defence written on them) the General was victorious. Some called it luck, some called it skill (though not with a straight face), while the General just called it "Destiny".
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Tristan Hall
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Manchester
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LIFEFORM - LATE PLEDGE NOW!!!
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Brilliant! laugh
 
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Eric Phillips
United States
Greensboro
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Quote:
"Well, the opera singers could be part of the military sire, in the ceremonial division"


Funny stuff! Also, the description of using the Entrenchments Tactic on the offensive was hilarious. Pity you didn't also have a mobile Great Wall.

Every once in a while you win a game, and you just don't know how it happened.
 
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Steven Steck
United States
Benton
Arkansas
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Holy cow what a brutal game.

Excellent write up.
 
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Sam Lawton
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I want to play now!!
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Anders Gabrielsson
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Uppsala
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Fantastic!
 
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