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Subject: Need to Talk to Someone rss

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I'm a regular poster in chit chat, but I'm choosing to keep my identity to myself.

My wife has been unfaithful.

I desperately need someone who has been through this to talk to about my situation.

If you've been through this, male or female, and you don't mind talking openly about it, please private message this account.

Thank you.

Edit: and please, no suggestions to seek professional help - we're doing that, I just need someone else to talk to in the short term.
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Mystery McMysteryface
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Wow!! I hope you get someone to help/talk to you.

I have not been through this experience but know of several friends and family members who have.

Stay strong and good luck to you!

:HUGS:
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Paul DeStefano
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I know way too many people who have been through this.

Terribly sorry.
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EgorjLileli wrote:
Wow!! I hope you get someone to help/talk to you.

I have not been through this experience but know of several friends and family members who have.

Stay strong and good luck to you!

:HUGS:


What MMB said. I would gladly talk to you, although I've not had this experience. However, my wife was still married to her first husband when we first 'got together.' Anyway, you have supportive community here - good for you for reaching out.
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jimbrax wrote:
LennyS wrote:
However, my wife was still married to her first husband when we first 'got together.'


You're not helping. whistle





Yeah, I appreciate the sentiment, but yours is probably not the perspective I need right right now, Lenny.



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James Bentley
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sock_puppet_123 wrote:


I'm a regular poster in chit chat, but I'm choosing to keep my identity to myself.

My wife has been unfaithful.

I desperately need someone who has been through this to talk to about my situation.

If you've been through this, male or female, and you don't mind talking openly about it, please private message this account.

Thank you.

Edit: and please, no suggestions to seek professional help - we're doing that, I just need someone else to talk to in the short term.


Wow, how my heart ached for you and your family upon reading this...you have my prayers brother. May God give you direction and show you grace, peace, and most of all, HOPE during this time.
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Morgan Dontanville
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Ugh. That's terrible.

My only advice is to decide what you ultimately want, and if it isn't vindictive, do your best to attain it. If it is vindictive, seek help. Be honest about your goal with your wife. If it isn't what she wants, or if it is not a reasonable objective, come up with a different plan.

Never act on principle, only act with the goal in mind.
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Mystery McMysteryface
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jimbrax wrote:
sisteray wrote:
Be honest about your goal with your wife, if it isn't what she wants


Also:

Be honest about your goal with your wife, if it isn't what you want...


Also, if you what you really want is to continue in the marriage, make sure you will be willing and able to move past the infidelity and come to trust her again and let go of any resentment and/or wishes for revenge/retaliation. Only you can know this.......so you need to take a good, hard, & honest look at your feelings and thoughts and decide what will work for you and her both.
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JessA
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I am so sad to read this, good luck with everything.
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Jatoha wrote:
I am so sad to read this, good luck with everything.

Ditto.
I hope it all works out for the best.
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soblue Sorry to hear you've got some very rough road ahead for both of you. I hope the outcome is whatever you can be most successful and happy with in the long term.
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That does suck. For me, It's definitely one of those unforgivable sins. I told my wife if she ever killed someone that I would have her back till the end, but if she cheated on me that was a deal breaker. I've been on both sides of the coin in past relationships, and know the heartbreak of and anguish it causes. Now that I am older, wiser, and married with kids, I have taken my vowes to heart that no temporary bout of happiness if ever worth it. I have nothing really to add to that other than say be strong.
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Sorry to hear you are having to go through this crisis.

I have been there and it was so shocking, gut-wrenching, and painful.

My advise:
Don't make any sudden decisions.
Realize that cheating isn't your fault.
Create a good support group of friends.
Don’t seek revenge.
Find new hobby and/or dive more into an old one i.e., gaming.
Think positive thoughts about yourself.
Remember that this will get a lot easier over time.
Remember you are not alone.

Good luck.
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Thank you everyone.

I've gotten a couple of private responses and will continue to respond to those people with my real account.

My intent was to delete this thread and account, but I think I'll leave it here - the positive vibes make me feel good.

It's pretty likely I won't sign into this account again, but know that I'm keeping an eye on this thread and I appreciate all of you who have posted so far.

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MWChapel wrote:
For me, It's definitely one of those unforgivable sins. I told my wife if she ever killed someone that I would have her back till the end, but if she cheated on me that was a deal breaker.
That seems so strange to me. I've thought about what I would do if my wife cheated on me, and decided my response would depend a lot on the circumstances; I can easily imagine a case where I'd try my hardest to forgive her and keep the marriage together. But if she killed somebody or committed a similarly awful crime, I'd kick her to the curb so fast her head would spin.

I mean, infidelity can cause a lot of pain, but it's so much lighter than murder (no matter who the victim is or what the circumstances are) that treating the infidelity as worse in any way is crazy IMHO.
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Andy Andersen
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Same thing happened to me 32 years ago, but I would be no help as I didn't realize it until she told me after we divorced. She was unfaithful on numerous occasions.

Best of luck to you.
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Mystery McMysteryface
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Orangemoose wrote:
Same thing happened to me 32 years ago, but I would be no help as I didn't realize it until she told me after we divorced. She was unfaithful on numerous occasions.

Best of luck to you.


Hmmmmm........that raises a question: Is it better NOT to know?
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Man, that is terrible. I'm so sorry to have read that but I'm glad you're reaching out.

I hope you both can find what you need in this, whether closure, therapy or moving on. I can't imagine the hurt. Prayers and good vibes for you.
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EgorjLileli wrote:
Orangemoose wrote:
Same thing happened to me 32 years ago, but I would be no help as I didn't realize it until she told me after we divorced. She was unfaithful on numerous occasions.

Best of luck to you.


Hmmmmm........that raises a question: Is it better NOT to know?


Put simply, no, I think it's better to know. It's best to be able to trust, and to know when you can't.
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Andy Andersen
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kamchatka wrote:
EgorjLileli wrote:
Orangemoose wrote:
Same thing happened to me 32 years ago, but I would be no help as I didn't realize it until she told me after we divorced. She was unfaithful on numerous occasions.

Best of luck to you.


Hmmmmm........that raises a question: Is it better NOT to know?


Put simply, no, I think it's better to know. It's best to be able to trust, and to know when you can't.


In my case, I was very glad to not know. I was so disappointed when I found out, but it was all after the fact.

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Orangemoose wrote:
In my case, I was very glad to not know. I was so disappointed when I found out, but it was all after the fact.


Yeah, that's fair. This stuff is probably too situational to come up with a principle.

Sometimes it feels, though, like half the world's problems would be solved if people weren't quite so frightened to say something as simple as "I don't like you anymore" or "I like you, do you like me?", as needed.
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I am sorry man, you are going to face some hard time in the future, but in my humble opinion ff you still love each other you deserve another chance. Only if you still love each other of course, if one or both does not love the other one anymore then the relation is over and there is no much left to say, I think that it is possible to cope and live up after a cheating. This is valid only in the scenario in which you are capable to forgive the affair. If you are not able the marriage will fail sooner or later because of your suspicious or lack of confidence. For now I think it is better to put some time and distance between you and see what happens. In my experience, cheating not always means that the cheate does not love the other person any longer. I know that my opinion is quite strange here, but this is just my personal feeling about the matter. I guess you first have to find out why she cheat on you, sometimes it has to do with sex problems, with a bad period in the relationship, or even a personal crisis or depression.

However I do know that cheating is not acceptable. It is not, for sure. But I just wanted to say that some relations can be happy after a cheating or an affair with some time, some distance and a lot of talking and understanding between each other.

Also, having said that, in case someone loves me I do prefer to never know about an affair or cheating. Is better not to know as long as she still loves me. Sometimes people told this kind of things because they cant cope with the lie themselves, sometimes becasue they really want to solve or fix their marriage, but honestly I think that this harms the relation more than it fixes anything.

Good luck, and If you need something here I am, we are here to help each other.

Have a nice day kids.
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kamchatka wrote:
Orangemoose wrote:
In my case, I was very glad to not know. I was so disappointed when I found out, but it was all after the fact.


Yeah, that's fair. This stuff is probably too situational to come up with a principle.

Sometimes it feels, though, like half the world's problems would be solved if people weren't quite so frightened to say something as simple as "I don't like you anymore" or "I like you, do you like me?", as needed.


You are so right, but sometimes it takes so much courage to say " I dont love you any more " It is a hard thing to be a coward, it is one of the most terrible flaws one has to cope with, and mainly one of the most terrible flaws for the other people you live with. Keeping on something you know is not gonna work just to not harm somebody you still love but not anymore in a romantic way, causes a lot more of pain and harm than if you take the courage to just say "it is over", And we oftenly say to ourselves "i don´t want to cause any harm" when probably the truth is that you are just a coward and have no guts to say the thing openly and straight, sometimes because your kids, your family, your friends, your money or whatever...
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Michele Baioni
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I am not married, but in the past I've been unfaithful to my girlfriend.
I "might" know how your wife feels.

Has she tried to keep it secret?
If so, she probably didn't want to hurt you. She probably still loves you, but she felt she needed something more. (It's not your fault here, we will NEVER be COMPLETELY HAPPY in this life http://www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/books/happiness/happiness_1....)(I only agree with the first page of that article, but that's not my point)

She might feel she needs to cheat on you to be happy, but she doesn't.
She just needs to be loved, and to love. (that is my point)

You posted about her here, therefore I think you still love her, and that's great!
Your love for her could make her change behaviour:
-she needs to know that you know of her affair.
-she needs to know that you still love her.
-she needs to know that you will forgive her.

My feelings were perfectly described by this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaGJ7TKMPtA
These are the lyrics translated by me:
Sotto le lenzuola (under the sheets)
by Adriano Celentano

The other night I cheated on her
and I came back at five o'clock.
I went under the sheets quietly
I did not want to wake her up,
but the lamp shade next to her
lit up as did her eyes
she looked at me, I did not speak,
I did not speak, and like Judas I kissed her,
hey, hey, hey,
I did't play poker that night
but I was with her friend. (In italian "amica", female friend)
It seemed to me that
She could read the truth in my eyes,
And as she was caressing my lips
she was forgiving me for something she'll never know.
I love her, only her,
why on earth have I cheated on her?

The next night I was going
to play the usual poker
and I wanted her to come along
but she said no:
"Go for it, go on, I'm staying here
Your friends are already waiting
and I'll be waiting for you to come back,
when you will be back." and then, smiling, she told me,
(Hey, hey, hey):
"We can't play poker if we are in three,
please don't play with my friend anymore." (in italian "amica", female friend - she knows!)
Blue colored teardrops (from the makeup)
were falling from her eyes
and as I was caressing her lips
I said, "Thank you my love," and kissed her.

I love her, only her,
why on earth have I cheated on her?
oh oh oh ...
I love her, only her,
why on earth have I cheated on her?
I love her, only her,
why on earth have I cheated on her?


Anybody can sometimes be confused and choose a wrong path; to accept failures is needed for love to be true.
I wish you every possible good thing. Good luck!
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