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Subject: AAR Phillippe de Valois Marriage Bureau XVII rss

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Philip Jelley
United Kingdom
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Stunned by Navarre's continued existance I appealed to the Pope and sent 3,000 louis d'or to butter up the College of Cardinals in Rome. The news of Navarre's survival reached the Emperor as he raised 2,000 mercenaries in Szigetvar; "If only I had an army of Germanic Uber-warrior suicide-squad assassins who would chase down my enemies and slaughter them regardless of pain, suffering and air-miles?" he pondered.

Meanwhile back on a sunny sandy beach on Malta, Mehmet the Famous Turkish Leader Guy kicks back with a glass of wine in his hand and (as Tyrion Lannister speculates) a harem to hand, happy knowing that he had brought glory to his Sultan. A smile played about his lips as his head was stuffed into a bag for the Emperor's Trophy Room.

The Protestant spymaster Sir Edward Stafford examined the secrets of the Spanish court and sent the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre into the nether regions (hiss! hiss!). Without a Famous Turkish Leader Guy the Sultan was at a loss. His new Grand Visier (the Not Quite So Famous Turkish Leader Guy) built up his forces; 2 galley fleets in Coron and 1,000 Jasinaries in Buda and Belgrade to protect the frontier against Germanic expansion. Spain opted for a kamikaze naval offensive sending his fleets in Gibraltar to the Barbary Coast, 1 squadron in Messina to the Tyrrhenian Sea and a squadron in Messina to the Ionian Sea. The Ottoman fleets failed to intercept any of these, but the seven squadrons in the Ionian Sea sunk the attacking Spanish galleys without loss. Don John and 4,000 mercenaries then crossed the Tyrrhenian Sea and Barbary Coast to besiege Tunis, cunningly fending off any Ottoman attempt to take the city.

Selim II was replaced by Murad III, but few noticed as Cavendish stole Spanish treasure from the New World. I tried to convert the Huguenots of France back to the Church, but failed utterly. The Emperor raised another 1,000 mercenaires and sent Zrinyi and 6,000 men to besiege Belgrade and Dijon erupted into revolt and declared for Navarre, giving him the control he needs to take Paris with a Mass. The new Grand Visier sobbed "I can't do it folks" as dreams of instant victory slipped away. Instead he sent the Ottoman Fleet to intercept the Spanish supply lines with 140 galleys vs 70 and winning a glorious victory by sinking 60 for the loss of 30.

I was summoned to the court of Catherine de' Medici and saw a lot of people kneeing and genuflecting as I came in. "I must apologise about Navarre, the girl hadn't read the instructions properly" I began to explain. "Shut up" she said "You've been made Pope!" I was only an Abbe "Aren't there a few steps up the ladder before I become the Supreme Pontiff?" She sniffed "Well, you were a compromise candidate, you had better get converting. Pronto!"

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