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Subject: An alternative assessment of Antietam rss

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Wendell
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Si non potes reperire Berolini in tabula, ludens essetis non WIF.
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Antietam, Battle Of,

Civil War battle and single bloodiest day in U.S. history, cut short after rival generals Robert E. Lee and George B. McClellan deduced that, with so many casualties on both sides and no clear-cut winner, they must be fighting all wrong. Launching assaults in Sharpsburg, Maryland, and Antietam Creek in 1862, both generals sensed they must have been making some major tactical and strategic blunders after infantrymen not only started dying, but also began losing limbs, screaming in intense agony, and doing nothing whatsoever that could be construed as seizing victory or advancing the larger political goals of their side. As a result, Union and Confederate forces agreed to stop the fighting halfway through in order to regroup and make sure everyone was on the same page in terms of what a battle was and whether or not they were doing it right. When combat continued, 1,500 more people died almost immediately, leading McClellan and Lee to apologize and agree to fight again when their troops were better trained.

Source: The Onion Book of Known Knowledge

Spoiler (click to reveal)
PS - The Onion is a satiric website. Please don't take this too seriously.
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wifwendell wrote:
Antietam, Battle Of,

Civil War battle and single bloodiest day in U.S. history, cut short after rival generals Robert E. Lee and George B. McClellan deduced that, with so many casualties on both sides and no clear-cut winner, they must be fighting all wrong. Launching assaults in Sharpsburg, Maryland, and Antietam Creek in 1862, both generals sensed they must have been making some major tactical and strategic blunders after infantrymen not only started dying, but also began losing limbs, screaming in intense agony, and doing nothing whatsoever that could be construed as seizing victory or advancing the larger political goals of their side. As a result, Union and Confederate forces agreed to stop the fighting halfway through in order to regroup and make sure everyone was on the same page in terms of what a battle was and whether or not they were doing it right. When combat continued, 1,500 more people died almost immediately, leading McClellan and Lee to apologize and agree to fight again when their troops were better trained.

Source: The Onion Book of Known Knowledge

Spoiler (click to reveal)
PS - The Onion is a satiric website. Please don't take this too seriously.



Maybe we need a Geek List - Wargames as done by The Onion.
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Darrell Hanning
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Awesome!
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Darrell Hanning
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Wilhammer wrote:
Maybe we need a Geek List - Wargames as done by The Onion.


Awesome squared!

Wacht am Rhein - In December of 1944, the German 6th Panzer Army, led by General Josef "Sepp" Dietrich, suddenly realized they had left their sunglasses in France, while vacationing there, earlier in the year.

As these sunglasses - all 47,382 pairs of them - had been personally autographed by the Fuhrer, the 6th Panzer Army decided to go back for them. Unfortunately, at this point, the combined forces of Great Britain and the United States had confiscated them, along with 116,559 Lugers, and 377,612 German watches, and were reluctant to give them back.

Thus began Operation Wacht am Rhein.
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K G
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Wendell, this is just weird.

(One man's opinion...)
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Wendell
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Kluvon wrote:
Wendell, this is just weird.

(One man's opinion...)




That's a joke, I say, that's a joke, son.
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Enrico Viglino
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Strikes me as pretty accurate.
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Michael McCalpin
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It's difficult to explain the battle as it happened, so I'd say this is as good an explanation as any.
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Dave Long
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Saratoga, Battle of:

In late June, 1777, General Howe, then ensconced in his palatial NYC townhouse, sent an invite to his good buddy "Gentleman' Johnny Burgoyne up in Montreal, to catch the world premiere of the new Broadway musical Cats! Burgoyne, a noted theatre afficianado, immediately accepted, and offered to spring for the tickets.

He set out for NYC late in August, having dithered for a whole month over what to wear, before finally settling on his dashing red coat/white trouser suit he always wore. Stopping by the Fort Ticonderoga box office, he Ticketmastered four orchestra seats for the November 1 matinee show.

Unfortunately for Johnny, he forgot that the Crown hadn't gotten around to even starting the proposed NYC-Montreal expressway, and he got bogged down with a broken wagon near Saratoga, NY. He located a squabbling pair of mechanics Gates & Arnold Wagoneers, Inc, who proceeded to spend as much time arguing over who'd have the pleasure of "Fixing" Burgoyne's wagon. After several weeks of this, Burgoyne sent a message to Howe to send a bunch of wagons to help him out of this mess.

Meanwhile, Howe, enjoying the NYC night life was startled to hear that his old rival George Washington was down in Philly saying some nasty things about Howe's NY 'activities' to the ladies down in the City of Brotherly Love. Howe, never a man who could take a joke, became enraged and vowed to Do Something About This Slander.

So Howe gathered up all his wagons, and headed down there to thrash Geo. Washington but good. Which he did. Unfortunately, by the time Howe remembered Burgoyne, Gates and Arnold had accrued a absolutely massive mechanic's lien on Burgoyne, who had to surrender not only his wagon but his tickets to Cats! as well.
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K G
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wifwendell wrote:
Kluvon wrote:
Wendell, this is just weird.

(One man's opinion...)




That's a joke, I say, that's a joke, son.
Hahahaha!
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Jon
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Love the Onion.

We have their "Our Dumb Century" collection of fake newspaper front pages spanning the 20th century. I liked the one story about Archduke Franz Ferdinand emerging from his self-imposed seclusion somewhere in the Balkans (on a farm perhaps) .... in late 1918.

However, he tired of that lifestyle, which he said he wanted to try for the sake of experience. Now he was set to resume his place in the Austrian court. During the interview he asked the reporter how things were going in Europe....

Or some such.
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Lee Kennedy
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Gettysburg, Battle of

Civil War battle fought over three days in July, 1941 featuring the most ouchies of any Civil War battle.

Henry Heth decided to take his Confederate division shoe shopping in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. The Johns Buford and Reynolds were all No reb is gettin' our shoes! Heth's crew came in and were all Oh no they didn't! Reynolds got killed and the Union crew responded with It's on now. Then things got a bit out of hand.

Unfortunately without Jeb Stuarts cavalry, General Lee's southern boys had no idea where the shoes actually were. They tried the north flank. They tried the south. Then straight up the middle. But general Meade's Yankees could take a punch, and there response of Is that all you got? demoralized the Confederates.

Lee decided he didn't want their stupid shoes anyway and went home. Years later when asked about inadvertently starting the bloodiest battle in American history, Heth replied, Well, those shoes were damn stylish.

Spoiler (click to reveal)
Yes, I know the shoe story is a myth.


Edit:
Spoiler (click to reveal)
I also know Gettysburg was not fought in 1941. It sets the tone of accuracy for the rest of the description.
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Pete Belli
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Quote:
Henry Heth decided to take his Confederate division shoe shopping in Gettysburg...


They were looking for the new "Air McClellans" that cost $1.85 in 1863... or a pair could be traded for a barrel of cider and a cow.
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Hunga Dunga
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In 1814, Dolley Madison wanted to redo the interior of the White House, but was horrified to find out it had been infested with rats. After consulting an exterminator, she was told the only way to get rid of the vermin would be to burn the house down and start building it all over again. Dolley supposedly replied, "If I wanted to get rid of vermin, I'd burn down the Capitol!" It was finally agreed that both buildings should be torched.

When Dolley told her husband, President Madison, he uttered his now-famous reply: "Nuts!"

Dolley was later heard speaking to her servant-girl, saying, "I'll bet those Canadians camped just up the road will help us. They're such nice people, even if they don't own slaves." The servant girl was heard to say, "Lawdy, Lawdy" and immediately ran to the servants' quarters to warn all the other servants to "pack yo thangs an' run off, yu heah!"

Dolley, covering herself in a dark cloak, and made her way to the British and Canadian encampment outside Washington. After hearing her request, the British officers told here that burning down the White House and the Capitol would "not be sporting'. The Canadians, on the other hand - the only sport they knew was lacrosse - were more amenable to the request.

As the flames engulfed the White House and Capitol building, the soldiers were heard to shout, "Long Live the King!" and "Vive le Roi!"

Almost 200 years later, in his Treatise, "The Emergence of High Collared Shirts and The Demise of Lacrosse as Canada's Official Sport" (published in 1982) well-known Canadian historian, Dr. Don Cherry, maintained that the troops in fact yelled "Vive le Roy", because, as he explained, he had never heard anyone say "Rooohah Rogers". Plus the fact that Canada wasn't officially bilingual until 1867, and then again in 1982.

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pete belli wrote:
Quote:
Henry Heth decided to take his Confederate division shoe shopping in Gettysburg...


They were looking for the new "Air McClellans" that cost $1.85 in 1863... or a pair could be traded for a barrel of cider and a cow.


Ironically, one could move faster riding the cow.
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thelivekennedy wrote:
Henry Heth decided to take his Confederate division shoe shopping in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

His actual name was "Hess", but all the footwear-fetishists spoke with a lisp in those days.
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wifwendell wrote:
Antietam, Battle Of,

Civil War battle and single bloodiest day in U.S. history, cut short after rival generals Robert E. Lee and George B. McClellan deduced that, with so many casualties on both sides and no clear-cut winner, they must be fighting all wrong. Launching assaults in Sharpsburg, Maryland, and Antietam Creek in 1862, both generals sensed they must have been making some major tactical and strategic blunders after infantrymen not only started dying, but also began losing limbs, screaming in intense agony, and doing nothing whatsoever that could be construed as seizing victory or advancing the larger political goals of their side. As a result, Union and Confederate forces agreed to stop the fighting halfway through in order to regroup and make sure everyone was on the same page in terms of what a battle was and whether or not they were doing it right. When combat continued, 1,500 more people died almost immediately, leading McClellan and Lee to apologize and agree to fight again when their troops were better trained.

Source: The Onion Book of Known Knowledge


Yes, but afterwards was the battle fought with properly clipped counters!?
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