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Fuck soccer. No really. It's a stupid game that requires about 7 hours for 2 or 3 goals to be made. A soccer player doesn't need real smarts, he just needs good lungs and legs, decent peripheral vision and some cleats.

American Football? Now that requires not only physical skills, but mental chops as well. Anyone here ever seen an NFL playbook? Screw the NFL, ever seen a college playbook? Screw that, anyone ever seen a quality high school football program's playbook? Stupid people need not apply. Well, I take that back, people without the mental capacity to memorize, observe, react on the fly to 10 teammates and 11 opponents, keep the half dozen referees in mind while helmet slapping someone and just, in general, be the equivalent of a 300 pound soccer player, only with a brain and some real rules, that takes real smarts.

Not so much when the same guy manages to blow $12 million dollars, shoot a couple of people, crash several cars and be an off-field moron. But playing football? It takes smarts and physical skills. Soccer? What's to know? Go run there! Hey, there's the ball! Go try and kick it backwards. No hands! Just feet! Go run there! Hey! There's the ball!!! Go try and kick it that way! Look! Here comes the ball!! Hit it with your head! Repeat for 17 hours.

Basketball doesn't require a lot more intelligence than soccer, but since there are actual rules that sort of make sense it's a step up. Not by much though. In my view basketball should be a halftime sport for all televised NFL games. Just give each team 100 points and put 5 minutes on the clock. After that, tally the score, give the players a thousand bucks each and send them on their way.

Other dumb sports? Tennis. Truly a sport playable anyone who has physical skills but is otherwise a moron. It's running to a ball and hitting it over a fucking net. What a dumb sport. Same for golf. The caddy picks the clubs. The golfer picks the shitty clothes. He hits a ball, looks at tufts of grass, hits a ball, ponders his next paycheck. Repeat.

Baseball? Smart people play baseball. Mostly anyway. Not as smart as football players, but smart enough to understand that they have to know their opponents. Shortcomings, strengths, etc. See, that's something that doesn't matter in soccer... who you play. Every guy does the same thing, run, kick, header, run, kick, header.

Motor sports?

Okay, now we're talking about a segment of Europeans who haven't given up their brains in exchange for a government check and a quick trip to the euthanasia clinic when the kids get tired of visiting and creeping out at their liver spots. Lots of people don't think of car and motorcycle racers as athletes though. Which just shows how dumb a lot of people are. Anyone here here drive a go-cart? Not one of those kiddy ones at the water park, one of the adult ones at those indoor arenas. That shit takes physical talent. Go drive one for 30 minutes and your neck will feel like Linda Blair's just before the pea soup eruption. Your arms will be like rubber and your legs will tremble. Same goes for a motocross bike. Really, try it and see.

But I'm not here to argue how smart drivers and racers of all stripes are, it's clear to me they are the smartest athletes of all. What I'm pointing out is how stupid soccer players are... and, by association, the fans. Soccer is maybe one step up from tennis in the dumb players category, and possibly a half step above golf. But that's it. A toothless hockey player from Quebec who never got past 6th grade reading skills, needs his mom to balance his checkbook and knows almost no English and only passable French, that guy is smarter than the smartest soccer player on the planet.

Fuck soccer. It's a stupid sport for stupid people.
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See! I knew there was something out there we agreed 100% on. Apparently the intersection on the venn diagram for the opinions of Dikembe Wu-fen Tripp and myself contains moosecock, jmilum, and soccer.
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Both are fucking stupid sports for fucking stupid people (unless you play them). What kind of a moron spends all that money just to see grown men run around grass for however long this tribal bullshit takes.
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djgutierrez77 wrote:
See! I knew there was something out there we agreed 100% on. Apparently the intersection on the venn diagram for the opinions of Dikembe Wu-fen Tripp and myself contains moosecock, jmilum, and soccer.


Although as usual, you manage to be completely wrong about one thing, as all motorsports are incredibly boring to watch and only fit entertainment for half-wits and rednecks.
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Football - memorize a playbook and follow the little lines, while minorly reacting to maybe an opponent or two, should they get near you or in your way.

Association Football - no playbook, you have to make up the play yourself as you go along, reacting to the entire field, timing your runs based on when your teammate will kick a ball (instead of when he'll say 'hike!') and trying to get the ball past a player who is dedicated to stopping you and is allowed to use additional parts of his body to do so.

I guess I like open games where multiple strategies are possible, instead of rigidly definied games where only a few strategies remain.
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Jythier wrote:


I guess I like open games where multiple strategies are possible, instead of rigidly definied games where only a few strategies remain.


Oh, I love basketball, too! Unfortunately soccer is none of those things. Instead it's a bunch of mincing ninnies standing around kicking the ball in a circle in the middle of the field. It's a fine sport for teenage girls if they need to stay in shape for real sports like volleyball or basketball, I'll give you that. And kids under five, watching kids under five play soccer is hysterical. Otherwise it's useless.
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He's looking real sharp in his 1940's fedora. He's got nerves of steel, an iron will, and several other metal-themed attributes. His fur is water tight and he's always up for a fight.
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djgutierrez77 wrote:
Jythier wrote:


I guess I like open games where multiple strategies are possible, instead of rigidly definied games where only a few strategies remain.


Oh, I love basketball, too! Unfortunately soccer is none of those things. Instead it's a bunch of mincing ninnies standing around kicking the ball in a circle in the middle of the field. It's a fine sport for teenage girls if they need to stay in shape for real sports like volleyball or basketball, I'll give you that. And kids under five, watching kids under five play soccer is hysterical. Otherwise it's useless.


Soccer makes for a very interesting video game, though.

"Okay, let's make soccer only take 10 minutes." Perfect.
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djgutierrez77 wrote:
djgutierrez77 wrote:
See! I knew there was something out there we agreed 100% on. Apparently the intersection on the venn diagram for the opinions of Dikembe Wu-fen Tripp and myself contains moosecock, jmilum, and soccer.


Although as usual, you manage to be completely wrong about one thing, as all motorsports are incredibly boring to watch and only fit entertainment for half-wits and rednecks.


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DWTripp wrote:
djgutierrez77 wrote:
djgutierrez77 wrote:
See! I knew there was something out there we agreed 100% on. Apparently the intersection on the venn diagram for the opinions of Dikembe Wu-fen Tripp and myself contains moosecock, jmilum, and soccer.


Although as usual, you manage to be completely wrong about one thing, as all motorsports are incredibly boring to watch and only fit entertainment for half-wits and rednecks.




Alright, I'll concede that was kind of cool.
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djgutierrez77 wrote:
Jythier wrote:


I guess I like open games where multiple strategies are possible, instead of rigidly definied games where only a few strategies remain.


Oh, I love basketball, too! Unfortunately soccer is none of those things. Instead it's a bunch of mincing ninnies standing around kicking the ball in a circle in the middle of the field. It's a fine sport for teenage girls if they need to stay in shape for real sports like volleyball or basketball, I'll give you that. And kids under five, watching kids under five play soccer is hysterical. Otherwise it's useless.


This intersection contains myself as well.

I think that watching kids under 5 play soccer is like a performance art piece of electrons orbiting a nucleus.
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DWTripp wrote:
American Football? Now that requires not only physical skills, but mental chops as well. Anyone here ever seen an NFL playbook? Screw the NFL, ever seen a college playbook? Screw that, anyone ever seen a quality high school football program's playbook? Stupid people need not apply. Well, I take that back, people without the mental capacity to memorize, observe, react on the fly to 10 teammates and 11 opponents, keep the half dozen referees in mind while helmet slapping someone and just, in general, be the equivalent of a 300 pound soccer player, only with a brain and some real rules, that takes real smarts.


There's an interesting metaphor about education somewhere when an American insists that American football is the best sport because it requires so much more rote memorization than other sports.

You know why football is so popular in America? Because it's the simplest sport, not because it's the most mentally difficult. Football players memorize what they're supposed to do, and then they do it, and then they take a little break, and then they do it again. Football is the only sport that works better on television than live, because announcers can use their TV laser widgets to explain even more clearly how straightforward the game really is. They need to do this because the average football fan is a drooling idiot who thinks the game is exciting for reasons other than the brutal violence. (Not any of our fine RSP regulars, of course. You are all gentlemen and scholars who just persist in the delusion that football is entertaining in and of itself, rather than a vehicle for drinking beer and eating chili over several hours.)

Thus you get viewers who insist that football is deeply complex when in fact it just has a lot of moving parts. We're talking people who couldn't follow the basics of a pick-n-roll or understand what zone defense versus man-to-man defense looks like on an NBA court but will tell you confidently that basketball is "simple." They'll ignore the fact that basketball players and soccer players have to do what NFL players don't, which is play consistently for a very long time and transition between any number of complex plays - and improvise their own on the spot - without the assistance of a Pavlovian whistle. (TWEET now you play! TWEET now you rest! TWEET now you play! WHISTLE IS GOD!)

But I am thankful for the existence of the Super Bowl, because it means there is always one Sunday of the year where I never have to worry about lining up for the movies.
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Why did they show the same 12 clips over and over?
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Tripp,

How much soccer have you played? There is a lot more to soccer than being able to run hard and long.

Right off the top of my head

Positioning
Marking
When to make a Run
Set Piece execution
When to feed the target man
etc...

All of these are more mental than physical - it is the reason why there are no "dumb" soccer players at the elite levels. If what you assumed is true, than all soccer training would be run hard and long and work on ball skills.

I can come up with a glib disparaging remark about how in reality American Football arn't smart - but only memorize well. Run this pattern for 1.5 seconds and the QB will throw the ball to that spot - no intelligence. when in actuality, both the receiver and QB need to adopt to what the defense is doing. Same thing for soccer.

This does not make soccer better or worse than American football - only different.
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The dumbest athletes of all are the football players who jump offside despite the fact that the ball is in plain sight a few feet away and hasn't been snapped yet.
 
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mightygodking wrote:
DWTripp wrote:
American Football? Now that requires not only physical skills, but mental chops as well. Anyone here ever seen an NFL playbook? Screw the NFL, ever seen a college playbook? Screw that, anyone ever seen a quality high school football program's playbook? Stupid people need not apply. Well, I take that back, people without the mental capacity to memorize, observe, react on the fly to 10 teammates and 11 opponents, keep the half dozen referees in mind while helmet slapping someone and just, in general, be the equivalent of a 300 pound soccer player, only with a brain and some real rules, that takes real smarts.


There's an interesting metaphor about education somewhere when an American insists that American football is the best sport because it requires so much more rote memorization than other sports.

You know why football is so popular in America? Because it's the simplest sport, not because it's the most mentally difficult. Football players memorize what they're supposed to do, and then they do it, and then they take a little break, and then they do it again. Football is the only sport that works better on television than live, because announcers can use their TV laser widgets to explain even more clearly how straightforward the game really is. They need to do this because the average football fan is a drooling idiot who thinks the game is exciting for reasons other than the brutal violence. (Not any of our fine RSP regulars, of course. You are all gentlemen and scholars who just persist in the delusion that football is entertaining in and of itself, rather than a vehicle for drinking beer and eating chili over several hours.)


You've obviously never played football.

Quote:
Thus you get viewers who insist that football is deeply complex when in fact it just has a lot of moving parts. We're talking people who couldn't follow the basics of a pick-n-roll or understand what zone defense versus man-to-man defense looks like on an NBA court but will tell you confidently that basketball is "simple." They'll ignore the fact that basketball players and soccer players have to do what NFL players don't, which is play consistently for a very long time and transition between any number of complex plays - and improvise their own on the spot - without the assistance of a Pavlovian whistle. (TWEET now you play! TWEET now you rest! TWEET now you play! WHISTLE IS GOD!)


Basketball isn't simple. Basketball is also complicated, and almost as great as football. They're not mutually exclusive. I loved playing football, but you can't really get a pickup game of football together because of the complexity involved. Basketball is great to play, though. I wish I had more friends who played, I haven't even had a pickup game since I switched jobs and stopped being invited to the weekly game at my old workplace. You're missing the point, though, which is to make fun of the prancing nonsense that is soccer.
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Utrecht wrote:
Tripp,

How much soccer have you played? There is a lot more to soccer than being able to run hard and long.

Right off the top of my head

Positioning
Marking
When to make a Run
Set Piece execution
When to feed the target man
etc...

All of these are more mental than physical - it is the reason why there are no "dumb" soccer players at the elite levels. If what you assumed is true, than all soccer training would be run hard and long and work on ball skills.

I can come up with a glib disparaging remark about how in reality American Football arn't smart - but only memorize well. Run this pattern for 1.5 seconds and the QB will throw the ball to that spot - no intelligence. when in actuality, both the receiver and QB need to adopt to what the defense is doing. Same thing for soccer.

This does not make soccer better or worse than American football - only different.


Different, and worse. You forgot worse. Much, much worse.
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Artaxerxes wrote:

The dumbest athletes of all are the football players who jump offside despite the fact that the ball is in plain sight a few feet away and hasn't been snapped yet.


The right tackle on my high school team once false started three times in one series. And we were on the side that was supposed to know when the ball was snapped. He may have been the dumbest athlete of all time, but no one can ever take that title from Mike Tyson.
 
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jimbrax wrote:
DWTripp wrote:
Fuck soccer. It's a stupid sport for stupid people.


You could have saved yourself 38 lines of typing and not lost any emphasis if you'd simply said this.


Where's the fun in that?
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Watching soccer is like watching paint dry.

Watching baseball is like listening to someone describe how paint dries.
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mistermarino wrote:
Watching soccer is like watching paint dry.

Watching baseball is like listening to someone describe how paint dries.


Yeah, I much prefer reading the recap of a baseball game to actually watching it. I'll catch a Sox game live a couple times a year if I can, but I rarely if ever watch on TV.
 
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djgutierrez77 wrote:
It's a fine sport for teenage girls if they need to stay in shape for real sports like volleyball or basketball, I'll give you that.


I take it my sport field hockey falls squarely into that category as well?

Another silly effeminate European sport
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max89 wrote:
djgutierrez77 wrote:
It's a fine sport for teenage girls if they need to stay in shape for real sports like volleyball or basketball, I'll give you that.


I take it my sport field hockey falls squarely into that category as well?


No, because only Europeans and New England prep school kids play field hockey.
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Utrecht wrote:
Tripp,

How much soccer have you played? There is a lot more to soccer than being able to run hard and long.



True. You also have to know how to trip people and hit the ball with your forehead. Ohhhh... smart.

I have never played soccer. Mainly because it's stupid. I did play baseball, softball, some youth football, handball, racquetball, dodge ball, volleyball and motorcycle racing of several varieties.

My admiration for athletes is based on several things - physical ability and conditioning, of course. But also the sheer intelligence and discipline required to not just learn the sport itself, but to learn how to be better at the sport. Knowing your competition deeply requires smarts and football, motorsports and baseball are up there in that regard. I give an edge to sports that can result in injury, career ending and otherwise and an additional dollop of admiration for sports where death might occur while competing. In my view an athlete that risks death while participating in a high IQ sport is probably the creme de la creme of athlete.

Downhill skiing is an example of a sport that people nearly as stupid as soccer players can do well in but since the skier can actually die in competition then some additional IQ must be resident in the otherwise featureless landscape of their brain. If you know you could die, then you have to compete smarter. If you know all that will happen is a shin splint, bloody nose and some nerd running around waving a stupid flag, then you can remain as stupid as you were before becoming a soccer player. Or fan, for that matter.
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DWTripp wrote:

True. You also have to know how to trip people and hit the ball with your forehead. Ohhhh... smart.


And here I was thinking this was an informed opinion. whistle

Most sports are boring if you have no clue of what's going on.
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You're almost channeling George Carlin here. Couldn't find the entire sports routine from Playin' with Your Head on YouTube, but here are some excerpts.

"Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's common sense!"

"Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent the shoes."

"Tennis—very trendy—not a sport. Tennis is ping-pong played while standing on the table. In fact, all racquet sports are derivatives of ping-pong. Even volleyball is racquetless team ping-pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table."

"Billiards isn't a sport because there's no chance for serious injury. Unless you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. If you see a guy walking around with a pool cue sticking out of his ass, you know it might be a sports-related injury."

(Sorry if there are any misquotes—I'm quoting from memory.)
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