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Subject: Episode 12/17/2005: Revenge of the Sith?!? rss

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Jason Sample
United States
Pelham
New York
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Bright, brilliant colors are to be seen everywhere, the stones and pigments undimmed by the passage of decades. The floor of the corridor is a colorful mosaic of stone, with a distinct, winding path of red tiles about 2' wide.
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It was another lazy Saturday evening, bedtime was approaching, the gamig hour was upon us. The opponent was Morgan, my three year old daughter. She is no ordinary three year old little girl, mind you. Behind those sapphire blue orbs lies the mind of a cunning warrior with a killer instinct. I kid you not, this child is like a shark; when she smells your blood in the water, watch out! Also joining us on this night is Crackers. Crackers is a stuffed Chocolate Labrador Retriever who is fond of board games, dress up, and...crackers. Tonight, he is attired in Morgan's Darth Vader pajamas. A clever disguise, but I know the truth. Morgan is the Master and Crackers is her apprentice.

arrrh
The game was to be Pop-Up Pirate!, by Tomy. An innocent game based on Russian Roulette/Chicken/The Beer Hunter.

(A jaunty looking pirate {from now on referred to as Pirate} sits in a brown plastic barrel with 24 slots in it. One of the slots triggers a switch that releases a spring loaded platform of DEATH, propeling Pirate skyward & signalling a loss. Players take turns placing daggers into the slots in the barrel. Pirate gets reset. Last one standing, etc. You get the drift.)

"It is to be daggers then?" I ask cautiously.

A simple nod is her reply. {MECHANICAL BREATHING}

"Very well."

As is her custom, she chooses yellow daggers for herself, red for Crackers, and I am given the green daggers. I place Pirate into his barrel and spin him 'round four times. Creak...creak...creak...creak. The trap is set. The game is afoot. What should be a simple and fun little kids' game has just turned into a battle of wills, a clash of Titans...THIS...IS...WAR. Morgan takes her amber blade and gently inserts it into the barrel, piercing Pirate's side...CLICK!
"Arrrgh Matey!" She bellows and Pirate remains motionless. {MECHANICAL BREATHING}

It is now Crackers' turn. Given that he lacks muscles/opposable thumbs/spinal cord/brainstem/cerebellum/cerebrum etc. Morgan moves for him. With his tiny paw and a red dagger clutched in her little hand, she considers the many slots in the barrel. She pauses, and then she chooses. The noise is almost deafening as the plastic of the dagger grates against the side of the barrel....REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...CLICK! Pirate moves not. He remains in his barrel with his pink bandana, his black eye patch, his striped shirt, and his freakish grin.



Morgan, Crackers, and the Pirate turn to me, glaring. My move. I narrow my gaze and zero in on the side of the barrel facing me. I make a motion towards one of the slots and I see her small fingers reach for the barrel...

"No Daddy, not THAT one." {MECHANICAL BREATHING}

I withdraw. Again, I begin to make a decision and...

"No Daddy, not THAT one!" {MECHANICAL BREATHING}

What kind of trick is this? It seems my Padawan learner, who has recently turned on me, is trying to use her evil Sith powers on me. The Dark Side is not stronger; quicker, easier, more seductive maybe, but not STRONGER!

"Enough of your mind tricks, child!"

I choose, I stab! CLICK! Silence, followed by a sigh of relief.

"What's going on?" she says from the stairs as she descends into the basement, the realm of our children. My wife appears at the bottom of the stairs. Morgan studies her, considers her, and then, sensing a possible victim, smirks. {MECHANICAL BREATHING}

"Wanna play Mommy?"

"Sure baby."

Her reply sends a dagger through my heart. She is a ringer in every sense of the word. She does not/cannot/will not lose at any game...except for Pop-Up Pirate! In the game's brief history in the Sample home, the lady has to be at least 0-12! But she is a survivor, a fighter, in short, a Mom. She grasps one of the unchosen blue daggers from the floor and blindly, almost without thinking, shoves it into a slot...CLICK!...SPROINGGG! With howls of laughter, everyone rolls on the floor as Pirate soars Heavenward. She has managed to do it again. Yet in defeat she becomes more powerful. The exercise is repeated several times and poor Mommy triggers the mechanism repeatedly. As each blow lands, we seem to laugh louder and louder. Undaunted, she persists and continues to spring the trap.

Finally, bedtime arrives and grudgingly the Sith Lord known as Morgan (aka Peanut/Monkey/etc.) climbs the wooden hill and heads for bed. After tooth brushing, hair combing, and story reading it is time for sleep. She gets tucked in with a hug, a kiss, and an exchange of "I love you." As I head for the door I turn out the light and turn to leave her pink room as I hear her speak to Crackers in a language only they understand. {MECHANICAL BREATHING} No doubt they are plotting, schemeing, setting the trap for tomorrow.

"How about Cartagena tomorrow, Daddy?" {MECHANICAL BREATHING}

"It is to be tri-corns, skulls, bottles, keys, pistols AND daggers then? Very well."


{MECHANICAL BREATHING}

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Joe Gola
United States
Redding
Connecticut
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and everything under the sun is in tune
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Ah, that jaunty little pirate...so cheerful, yet so horribly doomed. Fly on, my tiny scalywag, fly on.
 
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MK
United States
Coshocton
OH
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This is hilarious. It was worth recommending JUST for the opening paragraph alone, but it got even better and I really wish I could recommend this more than once.

But I do need to point out my abject sympathy for your dog Crackers, who is not only the thrall of your Sith Child, but is also severely lacking in the organs and skeletal structure necessary for sustained life.

EDIT: Um, I guess I shoulda caught the fact that Crackers is a stuffed animal. The fact that he was wearing a three-year-old's pajamas should have been a clue.
 
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Thomas Cackler
United States
West Des Moines
Iowa
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My wife and I loved this! Hilarious!
 
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