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Subject: Me vs Girlfriend vs Our Cat vs A Baby rss

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Nairb Attobas
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Wednesday during work I get a call from my sister. She and her husband wanted to go out to see a movie, and she was wondering if my girlfriend Valerie and I could babysit her kid so that they could go. Being the kind-hearted fellow I generally am, I say, "Hell no!" and hang up the phone immediately.

A few hours later, I get another phone call. This one is from Valerie. "Hi, honey, what's up?" I ask.

"If you expect to get any action ever again, you'd better call your sister back and tell her we'd be more than happy to babysit Richelle," she says.

Next thing I know I'm on the phone with my sister again. "I hate you," I tell her.

"Does that mean you'll babysit Richelle?"

"Bring her over at 6."

Fast forward to 6pm. Valerie and I arrive home from our workday carpool to find Richelle in a basket in front of our door, with a Post-It note stuck to the door saying, "Thanks!" Rolling my eyes, I unlock the door, and let everyone inside.

Immediately upon opening the door, our cat Evil starts meowing at us incessantly.

"Meow meow meow..." he says.

I say, "Meow, to you too."

"Meow....?" he asks.

"Meow meow," I tell him.

"Meow meow meow meow!" he adds, and starts nibbling on my toes when I take my shoes off.

"Dammit, I told you not to do that!" I lightly kick him aside with my foott, and he starts attacking Valerie's toes when he notices that she's holding Richelle's basket.

"Meow meow meow?!" he demanded.

"Meow meow, Richelle," I respond.

"MEOWMEOWMEOWMEOW!!!" he retorts. He doesn't like little pink balls of flesh encroaching on his territory, so he always gets angry when we're stuck babysitting Richelle.

"Yeah, well, meow meow." I tell him, ending the discussion.

Evil stalks away, lifting his tail to show off his butthole.

"Very mature, Evil," I call after him. "Jerk."

We don't see him again until we're prepping dinner, at which point he's pawing at our legs, cabinets, floor, drawers, table, chairs, etc, etc, in the hopes that food will magically appear for him, too.

As per usual, it doesn't, so he stares at us intently as we eat, trying to guilt us into feeding him. As per usual, he failurizes at this, and goes wanting.

We give Richelle some spoonfuls of green gook, which she spits back out at us. We give her some spoonfuls of orange gook, which she spits back out at us. We give her some spoonfuls of green gook again, which she eats happily. Whatever. I'm not in the business of interpreting baby logic.

With dinner over, we clean up, and try to plan the rest of the evening's activities. I want to test out my new digital camera (and score some GeekGold while I'm at it), so I suggested we play some games and take pictures of the games in progress so that I could upload them to BGG later that night. Valerie seemed willing, so we opt to play San Juan first.

Or I should say, we opted to *try* to play San Juan first.

You'll see what I mean...

I grab San Juan, grab the camera, and put both on the dinner table. Valerie puts Richelle's basket in the bedroom and closes the door so that Evil won't bother her. We get settled in to start playing, dealing the cards out.

Valerie selects the Builder role, and we hear a thump.

Odd.

She builds a gold mine, and I build a sugar plant.

I then select the Councillor role, and we hear another thump.

Again, odd.

We grab our cards and decide which ones to keep. I opt to keep a Library card, and discard the others.

For the final role of the round, Valerie selects Prospector... thump!

"Role selection is awfully thumpy tonight, don't you think?" I ask.

"Go find out what that is, would you? Sounds like it's coming from the bedroom. Check on Richelle while you're at it."

"All right, all right." I put my cards down and head towards our bedroom. Opening the door, I see Evil hovering above Richelle's basket, both paws extended towards her face.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" I yell at the cat.

He freezes, and just stares at me.

"Are you trying to steal her breath, you sack of crap?!" Still frozen, he still just stares at me.

I take two steps towards him, and he runs away as fast as he can. I swipe at him as he passes me, but lacking cat-like reflexes, I miss.

I look in on Richelle, and she's sleeping like an angel, unaware of anything going on. I check her pulse to make sure she's still alive and breathing. So far, so good. Damn cat.

Deciding not to risk anything further, I bring Richelle back to the dinner table, and plunk her down on one of the chairs so that we can keep an eye on her as we play. Evil is sitting on Valerie's lap, rubbing his head against her, as if nothing had just happened.

I tell Valerie what Evil was doing to Richelle.

"Oh, Evil!" she exclaims. "How many times have I told you not to do that! Why don't you ever listen? You're such a jerk!"

I sit back down.

"But, you're a *cute* jerk, yes you are! Who's a cute jerk...? YOU are!!!" She continues baby-talking to the cat for a few seconds as she scratches his head. I roll my eyes, and pick my cards back up.

Keeping my one eye on Evil, and the other on Richelle, we continue playing cards. Distracted, I'm playing very poorly, but at least Richelle is still alive. I honestly don't know why my sister chooses us to babysit whenever they want to go out. She *knows* what Evil is like.

Blah.

Anyway, about halfway through the game, I decide it's time to start taking pictures. I put my cards down, and pick up the camera. Evil immediately jumps off Valerie's lap and lies down inside the San Juan box lid.

"Evil," I sigh, "I'm not going to take a picture of you inside the box. They already have enough of those pictures on the site. People don't want them anymore, I already told you that, remember?"

Rising from the box, Evil jumps on the unused chair, and starts batting at the cards on the table, looking up at me with an expectant look on his face.

"They already have plenty of *those* pictures, too," I tell him.

"Meow?" he asks.

"Meow meow," I respond.

"MEEEEEOW!" he screeches and glares at me, retracting his paw.

"Don't blame me, little mister. Blame all the other people who took pictures of their cats. The fault rests on them, not me." Explaining things to a cat logically isn't always the easiest thing, so I add, "Meow meow meow."

Evil is still glaring at me, but he doesn't try to debate the issue further.

I take a few steps back to get the layout of the cards into the camera display. As I press the button, Richelle lunges out of her basket, into the middle of the table, into the shot.

"Oh, come on, Richelle, not you, too!" I whine.

She looks up at me and says, "Ga ga goo goooooo."

Rolling my eyes, I respond, "Goo goo ga ga gahhhh?"

"Goo goo ga ga ga goo gah," she answers.

"Well, goo goo ga choo!" I tell her before putting her back into her basket.

I come around to the other side of the table, to get a different angle of the cards. I frame up my shot the way I want it, push the button, and once again Richelle propels herself out of the basket and onto the table just as the picture takes.

"Dammit, Richelle! I already told you, they don't want any baby shots either!"

I look at both Evil and Richelle, so that they know I'm speaking to both of them. "Come on now, guys, give me a break! I need the GeekGold for my GeekBadge. It's hard enough to get GGs as it is, without having to put up with shit from the two of you, okay?! Now, knock it off!"

I put Richelle back in her basket. Evil is staring at me with his head cocked at an angle, as if he's completely unaware of what the hell I'm talking about. Jerk.

I take a few steps back again, bring the camera up, and try to get the shot lined up properly again. Finally getting it the way I like it, I push the button.

A whoosh of fur, a whoosh of diaper, and looking up I see that both Evil and Richelle are sitting in the middle of my shot, posing cutely together with the San Juan cards.

That's it.

I angrily point my finger at both of them, "You two deserve each other!"

Putting down the camera, I open up a kitchen drawer and pull out the duct tape. I rip off a good, long piece and approach Richelle and Evil. "Now just hold still, you guys, and this will go nice and quick."

As I lunge in with the tape, there's a knock at the door. Swearing, I glare at both Richelle and Evil, and open the door. It's my sister.

"Your movie's over already?" I ask. I look at my watch.

"Yeah, I guess so," she says.

"You guess so? What the hell does that mean?" I retort.

"It means 'Give me my damned baby so I can go home.'"

"Fine, take it." I pick Richelle up off the table, and pass her over to my sister.

She gives me a confused look. "Why are you holding duct tape, and why was Richelle on the table?"

"Long story," I respond.

"Oh. Well, whatever. Taaaa!" she takes Richelle and leaves.

I slam the door after her.

Turning around, I see Evil holding my cards, attempting to play a Crane, since Valerie had just chosen the Builder role.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I yell at the cat. "Don't build the Crane, you're supposed to save cards for the friggin' Library! Get away from my cards!" I bat him away, but it's too late. The Crane has hit the table, and Valerie won't let me retract the move despite that it was Evil's boneheaded play.

Throwing the cards at the table, I announce, "Fine, I quit. Do whatever the hell you want, Evil." I get up and go back to the bedroom to sulk, slamming the door.

Later, I find out Valerie beat Evil by a landslide, which doesn't surprise me being that she *always* wins.

At any rate, having no pictures anybody would want to see, I opted to write a session report instead of posting pictures.

So, here we are.


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Joe Steadman
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MK
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You are rapidly becoming the FUNNIEST SESSION WRITER EVAR!
 
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quiet, not much content
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Cracked me up!

deborah

 
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leon franzen
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"Are you trying to steal her breath, you sack of crap?!" made me LOL! I never LOL... or ROFL or BRB for that matter.
 
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MK
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The mere image of a cat attempting to play a card game sends me into uncontrollable hysterics every time. I must now go to the men's room and expel my pent up laughter.


Quote:
Turning around, I see Evil holding my cards, attempting to play a Crane, since Valerie had just chosen the Builder role.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I yell at the cat. "Don't build the Crane, you're supposed to save cards for the friggin' Library! Get away from my cards!" I bat him away, but it's too late. The Crane has hit the table, and Valerie won't let me retract the move despite that it was Evil's boneheaded play.

Throwing the cards at the table, I announce, "Fine, I quit. Do whatever the hell you want, Evil." I get up and go back to the bedroom to sulk, slamming the door.
 
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Luke Morris
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...Which is why I hate cats...


And to a lesser extent babies....



And sister-in-laws...
 
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Head. Foodprocessor. Go.
 
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Rod Batten
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Reads like a deleted scene from The Master and Margarita. Sure the cat's name isn't Behemoth?
 
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Simon "that sci-fi guy"
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Great session report, and an excellent advertisement for dog ownership. See if you had a dog she *may* your g/f may not have won.

ben_ethus wrote:
As per usual, he failurizes at this, and goes wanting.



I've never seen this word before but love it!

 
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Noway Jose
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hilarious!
 
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Simon Woodward
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So where's the pictures...?
 
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